McDad
@mcdadstuff
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Following
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Statuses
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I like dad jokes and I cannot lie. Find more of my tweets here ⬇️
Joined December 2021
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Pinned Tweet
It’s about time to grow out my beard, throw on some flannel and go pick up some pre-chopped logs from Home Depot like a real man.
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When you finally figure out what movie you want to watch and it’s not available on any of your 37 streaming services
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We’re going out to eat downtown tonight. I’ve been researching parking garages in the area for a month
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Hacker: Give us your password or else
30 minutes later…
Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points
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When you land on time, but the plane does that little 37 minute sightseeing trip around the airport
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My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
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I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
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New Year’s Eve is for watching other people celebrate on tv while saying “I’m so glad we’re not out in all that”
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Please light a candle tonight to honor all fathers on Father’s Day because WE DON’T NEED ALL THESE LIGHTS ON!!
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It’s important to scream when you sneeze. Just let all those little demons out
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s ok to stay in for the night. You pay a fortune to live there, enjoy it
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Accidentally wore a Hawaiian shirt into Trader Joe’s. Now my shift ends at 10.
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Planes are falling apart because y’all are standing up too early when they land. It throws off the equilibrium
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I don’t know how to explain it, but the food you eat when you were hoping to eat something else instead tastes even worse
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You ever had a meeting you were dreading all week and suddenly, mere hours before, it’s canceled? It’s just… chef’s kiss
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How am I supposed to catch up on my social media at this stop light if you guys keep honking at me
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Hotels are like “Here’s 17 pillows on the bed. None of them are comfortable.”
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I don’t know how to explain this but Dave Matthews has been 45 for 30 years
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Me: You wanna watch the baseball game with me?
Teen daughter: No. I don’t like baseball.
Me: I didn’t like Little Mermaid, but I watched it 1,387 times. Now, go get your hat and jersey on.
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My teen has informed us that when she has kids, she’s going to limit screen time, take them hiking, teach them how to raise chickens and milk cows, demonstrate the value of work.
This is the same kid who won’t take her shoes upstairs
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I’m not saying I’m nailing this parent thing, but my teen daughter did say good morning to me today.
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My wife said we need to “evaluate the garage” so there goes my weekend
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I started video recording my gym workouts. Not for likes on social media, but for the paramedics to know exactly what happened
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Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
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Texts with my teen while she’s on Spring Break:
Me: Hope you have a great time, love you!
Daughter:
Me: How’s the beach?
Daughter:
Me: Hope your week is good. Send pics!
Daughter:
Me: See you in a couple days!
Daughter: Can you add money to my account?
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My daughter didn’t believe I could do a push up, so I dropped and knocked out 10 for her.
Doctor: And that’s the reason you’re here today?
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The Bone and Joint Center sounds a lot cooler than it actually is
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People are filming movies on their iPhones and I’m just over here trying to not accidentally turn on the flashlight every time I pick it up
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Every Sunday night, I once again lie in bed thinking of the 3 things I needed to do over the weekend that would’ve taken like 10 minutes and I still didn’t do them.
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Last summer, I did 100 push-ups a day. It wasn’t so bad. It was the brain freezes that got to me the most.
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Every time a dad joke is told, a pair of New Balance shoes get their sole.
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I’ve eaten so many deviled eggs, I suddenly have an urge to go down to Georgia and try to steal a soul in a fiddle contest
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Adulthood is just saying “It’s SO hot” or “It’s SO cold” every day for the rest of your life
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After much thought and careful consideration, I’ve decided to be spontaneous
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They never tell you how obsessed with the weather you’ll be as you get older.
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I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
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I finally fixed the loose cabinet door in the kitchen. Is there some kind of award ceremony later?
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I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
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If you’re thinking about becoming a parent, just know my kid was playing a kazoo at 6:30am
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Surely not the same kid who trashed my car for 16 years telling me not to bring trash in her car
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Remember when we didn’t have google and you just had to trust whatever your parents said
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Kudos to Usher.
Roller skating is one of the most dangerous things you can do at age 45
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Wife’s outta town and you know what that means…
It means I don’t know where anything is or what’s going on.
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You may be tough, but you’re not “just sat through a 4th grade recorder concert” tough.
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I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
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Somewhere between “like” and “literally” lies a story that my daughter is telling.
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My backup camera stopped working, so I guess I’m stranded in this parking spot
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My dog likes to eat her breakfast, wander around till she burps and then go stare out the front windows for a bit. I think she’s becoming a dad.
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What if Ice T ran for president and Ice Cube was his running mate. That would be really cool.
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My wife is out of town, so I just needed to tell someone that I emptied the dishwasher
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Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
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my kid’s school now sends texts to tell you about the emails they’re sending you and my eye just twitched a few more times
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I had a rapid succession triple sneeze while driving and somehow managed to keep myself alive
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Wife: You’re wasting too much time on Twitter.
Me: I’ve got 19 likes that say otherwise.
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My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
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I was already tired of Tom Brady. Now, I’m retired of Tom Brady.
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Love when my dog gets me up at 6am on a Sunday and then she goes back to sleep for 12 hours.
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Remember that feeling when you had to leave the rink during couples skate?
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Guys I just opened up my old MySpace. Cleared the cobwebs, shooed away the moths and I’m happy to report that I’m still Fergalicious.
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Stop asking me questions on the gas pump touch screen! I just want to pump gas
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“Oh, I don’t drive when it’s dark” gets you out of a lot more stuff this time of year
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sorry for what I said when I was retyping the password with the tv remote
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My daughter asked me how to friend-zone a boy, and I think this is where my years of experience are finally going to pay off
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Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
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It’s when my daughter destroys a bully boy with sarcasm and wit that I realize I’m crushing parenthood
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I may be picky, but I’m not HGTV couple in their 30s touring and complaining about layouts of multi-million dollar homes on remote islands picky
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Cop: Sir, you were swerving all over the road back there
Me: Oh… yeah… sorry. The drums kicked in on In the Air Tonight
Cop: Oh Lord
Me: Oh Lord
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One of the toughest parts about parenting a teen is having to stay awake till 11pm to pick them up from an event
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Please stop telling me to “lift with my legs.” My legs are also not strong
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My dog just let out a sigh like she worked a 12 hour shift, sat in traffic, picked up the 3 kids from daycare, made dinner and just wants 5 minutes to herself
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I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
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My daughter gave us a list of things we cannot do to embarrass her. Or, as I like to call it, the things I will DEFINITELY be doing list
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Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it
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Sorry for what I said when I was putting the fitted sheet on the bed.
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Teacher: Use “irony” in a sentence.
Me: I ironed some clothes, and now they’re all “irony.”
Teacher:
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Someone once told me their whole family sits down to breakfast together and frankly that sounds horrifying
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My daughter has noticed that Santa’s handwriting looks a lot like mine
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My kid is tired of hearing me talk about the bands I saw back in the 1900s
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I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
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When I text you back “Hehe” I’m totally doing it in the Michael Jackson voice.
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When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
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My kid needs a big fancy calculator for her advanced math class. Meanwhile, I still don’t know the difference between CE and C.
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Due to inflation, gluten free will now be called gluten two dollars.
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I tripped over my kid’s shoes in the middle of the floor and she said it was my fault because I should’ve known they are always there
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My daughter should win an Oscar for her dramatic performance in “Please Bring The Dishes Down From Your Room”
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I don’t think my daughter realizes the monsters can see her better with the nightlight on.
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iPhone: We were unable to complete your update.
Me: Well, just what the hell were you doing all night?
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Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
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Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
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Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am
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Marriage is your spouse saying “I don’t like this show anymore” and then you just never find out how it ends
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My daughter asked me to turn down the music and I dropped a “Turn down for WHAT?!?!?!” on her.
I’m grounded again.
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