Man vs Baby
@mattcoyney
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‘Man vs Baby’ is Matt Coyne, author of 2 x Sunday Times bestselling books. Contributor to GQ, Private Eye, The Guardian & the existence of a small human.
Sheffield, England
Joined February 2016
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I’ll never get tired of saying thank you SO much to all the amazing book bloggers who have taken Franklin and Red to their hearts.
I remember being absolutely terrified of what book lovers would make of my little story of redemption. So this is very special.
#bookcommunity
❤️
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Gave my eight year old son my old phone so he could take his own photos while in Japan. In order we have:
- The sacred Buddha of Kamakura
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The old couple on our street who put their bin out first are on holiday. There’s blue bins out, there’s green bins out. Someone two doors down has gone brown. It’s fucking carnage.
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I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
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And inexplicably, an amazing shot of a bengal tiger.. that I found in his deleted items. 🤷🏻♂️
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I genuinely don’t know whether the kid is a genius or off his f**ng rocker.
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A picture of me changed to look like a new Pokémon called ‘Mr Duuhmb’.
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Just reading about Tesco’s profits for the year to Feb: 2.3bn. Up 883 million. You know when you look at your trolley and think how?? HOW is this a hundred quid?? This is how.
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Young Nadhim Zahawi looks like he fully expects to win ‘Come Dine With Me’ with his mushroom risotto.
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A dogs arse. It was apparently wearing a hat. (The dog, not the arse).
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A selfie, coloured in so that it looks like the back of his head.
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So, ..went to the pub last night and on the walk home I came across this odd-looking bird. It looked a bit like a black hen, or something? It was in a car park just sitting there. And it was clearly badly injured, because I watched it for a bit and it wasn’t moving at all…
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Trying to get your toddler to bed when his nan gave him a Fruit Shoot and a Wagon Wheel at half 6.
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So, an MP was sending pics of his bits to a stranger on Grindr. The person (feasibly a Russian agent) then blackmailed him into revealing sensitive information. The MP won’t resign, not even lose the whip, we’re just told he’s brave for admitting it.
THIS is how far we’ve fallen.
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I love hearing Angela Rayner talk. Thoroughly northern, unashamedly working class. The posh will mock. It’s not Etonian debate-chamber smooth, she’s not gonna slip into Latin. But, take it from the north, there is a style and poetry to be found in not taking any shit.
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Just heard on the news that the
#RoyalBaby
is ‘doing well’. ‘Well’? He’s only been on the planet five minutes, he’s already a prince, absolutely loaded and will never have to work a day in his life. I’d say he’s fucking smashing it.
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Disgusting. Queuing for a Greggs, and Willoughby and Schofield just rocked up, shoved an old lady to the ground and ordered the last two steak bakes.
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Harriet Harman is the best PM we never had. A genuine political heavyweight. Watching her on a panel alongside Dorries and Kwarteng is like watching a nuclear physicist interact with two vaguely confused dogs.
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So, let’s get this straight, we borrow a ton of money and give it to really wealthy people who don’t need it. And HOPE that they decide to invest that money in the UK rather than do what they always do, which is bury it offshore or buy another yacht. And THAT is the plan??
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My mum just messaged to say that yesterday she turned off her 20 year old PC, ‘at the wall’, without shutting it down properly. ‘That couldn’t have caused anything, could it?’ 😂
‘Probably’.
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I don’t get this debate about whether it’s okay to have Yorkshire pudding on your Christmas dinner. Why would you EVER deprive yourself of a Yorkshire pudding? I’ve been known to have one in the bath.
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Ok, new rule: If as a boy you had to walk behind the gun carriage at your mum’s funeral. Or face years of people questioning who your dad is. Or your wife is hatefully bullied even whilst carrying your unborn child.. let’s just all agree you’re allowed to fuck off if you want.
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If Ofsted inspects a school that is forced to teach kids who turn up hungry, and has had its funding so viciously cut that it can barely afford a pack of pencils, that is NOT a failing school. That is a failing government.
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..I’m just taking the dog for a walk now.. honestly, I’ve not seen this kind of deranged chaos since the great Green Bin Move (from Thursday to Wednesday) of 2007.
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Tonight, get a good sleep everybody. You want to be fresh and alert to watch Jonathan Gullis cry in a local sports centre.
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I’m only tuning in to see if Louis is still a fucking legend.
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Anyway, it played on my mind all night, and so it continued this morning. I knew by now it was probably dead. As I said, it was already not moving and it was really cold last night. But I still wanted to check. So I walked back up to the same spot.
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Problem is, I couldn’t get any closer to check on it, because the car park is behind a fence.
I genuinely wasn’t sure what to do.. even thought about maybe calling the rspca, or a vet or something, but eventually, reluctantly, I just carried on home..
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I remember when Bake Off started thinking ‘who the bloody hell is going to watch a bunch of randoms bake a cake?’ Ten series later and I’m sat on the edge of the sofa like “Jesus Christ!? if Mick tries to ice that Genoese sponge while it’s still warm he has absolutely fucked it.”
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I have been poor and I’ve had a few quid. Right now I’ve got a few quid. And you can tax the living shit out of me if it means a little boy with suspected pneumonia doesn’t have to lie down on coats.
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People suggesting I just put all the bins out at once. Are you mad!? Then it looks like I don’t know what day the bins go out.
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I’m ashamed of my street this morning.. the panic.. we’re better than this. What the bloody hell is Foxglove Road or those wankers on Maple Avenue gonna think when they see this.
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Prince Louis isn’t badly behaved, he’s four. If my kid had had to sit through hours of that shit, without access to his tablet, he’d have burned that place to the fucking ground.
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So many blokes are quick to respond with ‘I’m not like that’, ‘not all men’ etc. But it is ALL men. From the perspective of a woman walking home in the dark it is absolutely all men.
And unless we start seeing things from that woman’s perspective it will always be all men.
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Not saying my other half has ordered a lot for Christmas...but our Amazon delivery guy is called Martin, he’s got two kids. He went to Malta last year, (enjoyed it but he wouldn’t go back). He thinks that Toy Story 4 is a bit overrated and is unhappy with his new haircut.
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I have no idea whether Huw Edwards is guilty of anything. I do know that the tabloids have learned nothing from Caroline Flack.
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Say what you want, but these Downing Street parties sound absolutely amazing. Imagine going to a party so mad that you have to carry out an enquiry to find out whether it was in your house and whether or not you went.
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Tabloids: “So much for Meghan and Harry wanting privacy🙄”. ..To be clear, they never wanted privacy, they wanted you to stop abusing them, lying about them and treating them like shit two decades after hounding Harry’s mother to death.
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Here’s an eternal truth. You are on the wrong side of history if you find yourself on the side that burns a library.
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So, since the thread about my 8 year old’s Japan photos blew up, I’ve just asked him about this one in particular…
“Why did you take a picture with his face covered up?” He just looked at me like I was an idiot.
“What are you talkin’ about? It’s not covered up. He’s eating.😂
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..See also energy companies, insurance companies, travel companies… etc etc. We are cattle being milked.
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I remember when Bake Off started thinking ‘who the bloody hell is going to watch a bunch of randoms bake a cake?’ Ten series later and I’m sat on the edge of the sofa like “Jesus Christ!? if Mick tries to ice that Genoese sponge while it’s still warm he has absolutely fucked it.”
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For future reference, when I pass this is how I wish to be honoured.
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Not saying my other half has ordered a lot in the sales ..but our Amazon delivery guy is called Martin, he’s got two kids. He went to Corfu last year, (he enjoyed it but wouldnt go back). He thinks that the new Avengers film is a bit overrated and is unhappy with his new haircut.
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@realDonaldTrump
Universal healthcare
Affordable higher education
Subsidised childcare
30 days paid holiday
5% of the US gun homicides
And 350 types of cheese.
They’re doing alright.
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How I hear questions on University Challenge: “Which fumpdifump of the bloombiblart does the bobbleobbleobble dangle dongle?”
*Buzz*
“Jesus College Oxford!”
“Aristotle”
“Correct.”
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For clarity.. For obv reasons, MPs are given specific instruction by the security services to avoid being blackmailed. Lesson 1 is not to share pics with a stranger that you wouldn’t want to be made public. This is not about him being gay, it’s about him being a f*ing idiot.
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I’d say Seann has got just one shot at winning the British public over and that’s if he comes out on to the dance floor without Katya and then just stands there for 10 minutes punching himself in the dick.
#strictly2018
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Lifecycle Of A Bubble Wand
- Purchase bubble wand
- Blow bubbles to the magical delight of your child
- Child insists that they ‘can do it’ themselves
- Hand bubble wand to child
- Child instantly pours contents of bubble wand on to the floor
- Everyone cries for an hour
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OK, call me Greta Thunberg, but I think I’ve come up with a way of genuinely helping the environment.. listen to this: A massive sign above every supermarket entrance in the world that reads: “YOU’VE LEFT YOUR BAGS FOR LIFE IN THE CAR AGAIN, YOU NOB”.
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So many people saying that the first thing they’ll do when this is all over is just hug a stranger. ..Such a lovely idea, a simple expression of love, solidarity and compassion. And just know that if I’m that stranger I will tazer you. This is not France.
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Lee Hurst is trending and not saying he’s sensitive.. but he GENUINELY blocked me because I tweeted that he was only anti-mask because wearing a mask made his head look like an egg wearing speedos.
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I know Eurovision isn’t everybody’s cuppa tea but if you don’t think Iceland’s entry this year is belting, then I’m just not sure we can hang out anymore.
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So many blokes are quick to respond with ‘I’m not like that’, ‘not all men’ etc. But it is ALL men. From the perspective of a woman walking home in the dark it is absolutely all men.
And unless we start seeing things from that woman’s perspective it will always be all men.
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Astonishing the number of Americans tweeting that the Nashville shooting could have been prevented with better security doors. America.. take it from the rest of civilisation, this is not a doors issue.
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If you’re one of these people refusing to wear a mask because you’re concerned about enough oxygen getting to your brain, don’t worry.. I think that ship has sailed.
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The longer lockdown goes on, the more I understand why at the end of Mary Poppins she looks at each of the kids in turn, says simply “it’s time”, pops up her umbrella and fucks off.
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Ok, new rule: If as a boy you had to walk behind the gun carriage at your mum’s funeral. Or face years of people questioning who your dad is. Or your wife is hatefully bullied even whilst carrying your unborn child.. let’s just all agree you’re allowed to fuck off if you want.
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BREAKING: United Kingdom announce formation of Eurovision Super League.
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For the record.. This was not found in Tesco’s... or Asda or bloody Walmart.. it was in a co-op in Barnsley. I know, I wrote the bloody thing.
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America is going to be awake in half an hour. How we gonna explain this?
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OK, New Rule: If you’ve got enough spare change to buy yourself a multi-billion pound rocket to space, just for a laugh.. you’re not allowed to furlough your staff.
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If, for some reason, you find yourself online today, trolling a family that has just lost their baby.. then you are a dead husk of a human being. A void of decency. And a sad, pointless weight on the planet and every person unfortunate enough to know you.
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#RoyalBaby
It amazes me the vitriol and negativity people are spewing about this.. you don’t have to be a fan of the monarchy to be happy for a young couple having a baby. You don’t have to buy a fucking tea towel or anything... just not be a dick about it.
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It’s possible not be a fan of the monarchy and still not be a dick about the fact that someone’s mum and grandma just died.
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Saw one of those inspo-quotes the other day. A pic of kids playing at sunset, it said ‘children make you appreciate the simpler things’. So true. Our kid was such a pain in the arse today that I took an old mattress to the tip on my own and it felt like I was on a fucking cruise.
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I have a dog and a small child which basically means I spend most of my week just standing about, waiting for someone else to finish having a shit.
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I keep asking charlie to keep it down a bit in the garden for fear of upsetting our new neighbours. This morning I spotted our new neighbours reading the Daily Mail on their patio. And that’s the story of why my son is now in the back garden enjoying a drum kit made of saucepans.
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Tory MP’s jumping up and down saying Lineker should be fired because ‘the public pay his salary’.. Well we also pay YOUR salary and you’re a bunch of thieving, lying crooks. Where does it end, Tarquin?
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Same energy as me at soft play.
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Me: “Right, I’m off to Aldi.”
Lyns: (sighs) “Can you not just go to Asda, you always buy something stupid from Aldi.”
Me: “No I don’t.”
[Screen Fades to black]
[Screen Fades back in]
Lyns: “Is that a fucking chainsaw?”
Me: “..shut up and help me in with the kayak.”
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I don’t know how Darius Danesh died. Neither do you. So if you’re speculating about it, especially with childish, conspiracy non-science about vaccines, then you’re a thoughtless idiot with all the compassion and critical-thinking capability of a spoon.
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If you are a working class person who voted Tory and you are cheering that exit poll.. Congratulations, you are not just a turkey that’s voted for Christmas, you are a dinosaur that has voted for a meteorite. You personally deserve everything you have coming.
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Exactly how our six year old boy approaches having a pee in the downstairs toilet.
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Of ALL the batshit things that happened last night, the one that will always live in my mind is Nadine Dorries insisting - on live TV - that Boris Johnson grew up poor, in hardship, and went to Eton on a scholarship. I don’t think she was even drunk.
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Dear Australians, yes we know you have it way hotter, and that 28C is ‘nothing’. .. But the sum total of our nation’s air-conditioning capability is four Argos fans and a packet of nobbly-bobblies, so we’re fucking moaning, alright?
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Trying to get your toddler to bed when his nan gave him a Fruit Shoot and a Wagon Wheel at half 6.
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“Tell me you’re a parent, without telling me you’re a parent.”
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I tell you what I hate most about Harry and Meghan and their announcement? ..Absolutely nothing, because I’m not a monumental twat who wants to steal joy from a young couple who’ve recently endured miscarriage.
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LEAKED: The latest legal correspondence sent to Prince Andrew.
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Summer Solstice today.Which supposedly means its the longest day of the year? I dont think so.I think you’ll find the longest day of the year was last Saturday when our 2 yr old went to a paw patrol party,got jacked up on pop and buns and then came home with this fucking whistle.
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Just come across this that came with Charlie’s first baby bath. A single page of instructions that consisted of these two diagrams.. which as far as I can make out mean:
1: ‘Fill it with water’ and..
2: ‘Don’t put your baby in it and fuck off to a seventies night.’
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..and if I’m going to finally trend on Twitter because of bloody bins, I’m definitely plugging my new book.
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When you pick your kid up from nursery and you know straight away ‘we’ve had an accident’.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but if you shouted at your kids today, that’s ok. They know that you love them and, objectively speaking, they were being dicks.
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Whatever we might think about a 60 yr old allegedly paying for explicit photos of a teenager… can we at least all agree that we’ll take no moral lessons from a newspaper that, on a daily basis, paid 16-year-olds for explicit photos to share with 3 million people.
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I am not a swiftie. I’m some random middle-aged bloke. But she seems super smart and decenct and someone with a conscience… And she writes a belting pop song. And.. these kids (and adults) fizz just talking about seeing her live and I’m here for that joy. I think it’s lovely.
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I’ve finally turned into my dad. Came home and there was a light left on upstairs and without even thinking I said: “Its like Blackpool illuminations in here.” ...There was a crack of thunder and now I’ve got slippers on and a cardigan and I’m on my way to a garden centre.
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And yes.. admittedly we do not know that this was a foreign agent/operation. (The fact they asked for information rather than money is suggestive). But HE didn’t know either.. THAT’s the bloody point.
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My parenting lesson today. If there’s one thing worse than finding your three year old stood in the shower cleaning their arsehole with your toothbrush... it’s the casual look on their face that suggests that this is not the first time they’ve done it.
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Gary Lineker will stroll over to Sky and earn four times his current salary.. and continue to tweet whatever the hell he wants. The BBC, on the other hand, will not just lose a talent, but discourage anybody with a social conscience from ever working for them.
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Dear rich idiots, our local carvery in Barnsley charges one per cent of this and if you ask for Mick, he’ll let you have all three meats. And you don’t have to put up with some ridiculous chancer dressed as a steampunk stripper chopping it up and feeding you like a big daft baby.
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I remember being broke as a kid. A meal of potatoes and ketchup. Washing in a bath with an inch of water. Being cold. This is not something to celebrate with nostalgic crap about how we didn’t complain. It was shit. It was shit then and it’s shit now. And it shouldn’t happen.
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Piers Morgan’s fear of being emasculated is entirely understandable. Emasculation means the removal of the male sex organ and the man is about 98.9% dick. If you removed everything of Piers Morgan that could be considered ‘penis’ you’d be left with just his socks.
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