Matt Buechele
@mattbooshell
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you can find me on instagram and tiktok @mattbooshell, thanks for all the support over the years but this website sucks ass now
ny, ny
Joined October 2008
hello! here’s a small thread of some of my favorite things i’ve done on this website. enjoy!.
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all i read was: cool dog isn't a narc, becomes scientist.
This pup couldn't hack it as a drug-sniffing dog, so now, he sniffs out the poop of elusive animals in the name of conservation
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of course i know the 3 branches of the US gov.- gofundme.- luck.- a second gofundme.
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just once i wish a White House reporter would do this
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lord please grant me the misplaced confidence of the state of Florida.
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ME: hello. CHARACTER IN A WES ANDERSON FILM: good evening. or salutations. or perhaps it's almost goodnight, i'm sorry. i was never good with time or clocks or meaningful friendships, huh. do you know how to get to the *TITLE OF FILM*? *blinks thrice*. *90s FRENCH SONG PLAYS*.
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FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn't start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that. LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it.
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99% of socializing as an adult is just people telling you about shows and you saying “oh yeah, i’ve been meaning to start that!”.
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MY BODY AT 3AM: let’s wake him up for no reason. MY BODY TEN MINUTES TILL ALARM: let’s make him feel more comfortable than he’s ever felt in his life.
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nobody: . super bowl commercials: whether it’s crypto or sports gambling, losing your money has never been this exciting.
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SPOTIFY WRAPPED: uhhhh i think someone understood the assignment, and that someone was YOU!. ME: *silently staring at the saddest combination of music i’ve ever seen*.
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everything we’ve been taught is a lie. we were told to delete photos on social media if we were holding a beer cus we couldn’t get jobs. now you log on and the official Mr. Peanut is tweeting like “might have cummed”.
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this looks like the photo they add to the headline FLORIDA COUPLE STEALS LION FROM ZOO
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insane that we’re 7 months into a largely AIRBORNE pandemic and we’re still seeing commercials for hotels like “WE WIPED DOWN THE KEYCARDS!!”.
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if an office has these stools you aren’t getting health insurance
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theater kids will be like "why do i only hang out with theater kids?" and then hit a high harmony with a passing ambulance.
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ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?. GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can't stress how unimportant that part is.
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ME: could I just get like one ice cube?. ANYWHERE IN EUROPE: that is the dumbest question I’ve ever heard in my life.
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your friend who's being a little too productive during quarantine
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an antifa meeting, according to the president of the united states
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every NPR tiny desk concert thumbnail looks like this to me
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don’t ever let imposter syndrome get you. the guy who created dilbert is one of the dumbest people alive. nothing matters. make your thing.
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showing up to an inauguration with what can only be described as "errands", an incredible power move
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One big perk of living in new york is how you never know if you'll be too early or too late cus of trains, so sometimes before attending someone's birthday you have to kill 15 minutes walking around a rite aid just like "ah, decent inventory, very nice".
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im sorry but if a gang of the dumbest people you know from high school can take over the US government maybe we have some blind spots here.
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the "we can't live in fear!" excuse to not wear a mask is very funny to me. it's like, we absolutely can live in fear dude, i'm out here crushing that everyday.
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one good thing about quarantine is that we no longer hear those weird dude songs that play in every store that no one really knows
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cdc now recommending vaccinated people still do whatever they want but be a little like "hmm is this good?" about it.
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when you meet a friend for coffee but they already have a seat so you have to order just far enough away that you can’t have a normal conversation
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BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?. CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard. OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7. CEO: first of all, promoted.
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wrote a song about what I did this year.
To everyone who felt like they finished Netflix this year . thanks for watching it all!
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some guy on insta with 2M+ followers took my “conference room” bit almost word for word, with zero acknowledgement. and I know it’s dumb to complain but mannnn, it’d be great to one day get paid for all the free content you make online that just gets stolen/ripped/reposted.
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trying to figure out how all your friends got the vaccine
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Now's as good a time as any to let y'all know that I officially started working as a writer at The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon. A big part of my come up has been all of you sharing my comedy and music, so I'm super thankful. Looking forward to making cool stuff with them!
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one of those state quarter maps you fill in but for places ezra miller has gotten away with bizarre crimes.
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imagine hearing one of the most advanced cities in the world can’t pull something off and thinking “oh we got this”.
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the $1,400 stimulus check showing up in your bank account
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There are two types of people in life. Those who make elaborate recipes for the office potluck and those who are like “did someone already sign up for napkins? Damn”.
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Charlie Brown Christmas takes the tried and true formula that every child just loves. melancholy + experimental jazz.
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COLLEGES: we suspended 6 students for having small gatherings. this is bad!. ALSO COLLEGES: we invited 45,000 students to our small town for a yearlong gathering, this is good!.
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(cdc headquarters). guy: so the vaccination card should be like the size of a credit card so people can easily carry them in wallets etc. bad guy: fuck that. make 'em ever so slightly larger.
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my husband and I love your energy, mind if we buy you a drink?
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feels like we shouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow after “the slap”.
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obviously im a huge fan. of course this is an oversimplification.
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a lot of tough guys on here saying they would just barge in, sad to once again see trigger fingers turn to twitter fingers.
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what's so maddening and disorienting about this entire year is watching otherwise smart people in your life show complete disregard for the virus. literally makes me feel insane.
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florence + the machine and hozier should make an album together. it’d be like “watch the throne” for woodland critters and druids.
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my new favorite thing is adding the word “like” to confucius quotes
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broadway performers always forget how to be normal before their song starts
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(thanksgiving). TWITTER: im gonna put my conservative family in their place! time to shame bigots and destroy all their arguments!!. REALITY:
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ME, ON THE PHONE WITH SOMEONE, THINKING ABOUT AN ENTIRE YEAR OF GOV. INACTION, MILLIONS ON UNEMPLOYMENT, HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF DEATHS, A POPULAR EFFORT TO OVERTHROW AN ELECTION: for sure, no, it's a weird year.
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DIVE BAR: we've got $3 drafts till 8pm.COCKTAIL BAR: select mixed drinks are $5 till 7pm.APPLEBEE'S: bahama mama's are 16 cents all night and for 1 dollar we will put cocaine into your nose.
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haven’t been to a party in so long that i even miss the guitar guy who is always there
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thinking about how the sign outside the IRS building looks like a card against humanity
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retailers emailing you after you looked at an item for 30 seconds
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people from New England are like “you moron, you don’t know how to pronounce the tiny town of Wourcesterorgour?”.
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my coworkers, when I secretly google the solution and it somehow works
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how different broadway composers would do a covid musical
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all local news sounds like this to me (holiday edition)
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brands right now, 2021 edition
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you make one joke about how it's kinda difficult to find ice in europe and you get all these strangers like "have fun with your 'affordable' insulin motherfucker" lollll.
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