Mary BOOM BOOM Bourke
@marybourkecomic
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A special mention to the man who came to the "cabaret of dangerous ideas" and who tried to explain to a famous academic what feminism was through the medium of constant interruption.
Not a great idea in an audience of middle aged Scottish women.
I wish him a speedy recovery.
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Shout out to the new York Times reporter who rocked up to my show today and asked if "I was afraid of destroying my career" with my closing routine.
Go to the Pleasance and get scolded by a trust fund foetus about your "privilege" while the purity police check your tickets.
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A Netflix special in which louis CK and his manager sit in a lawyer's office and listen to victim impact statements.They end the special by making donations to charities selected by the victims.
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The lone male in your yoga class that always has his balls hanging out of his short shorts
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@DebraDiGiovanni
@guybranum
you could have a ten inch stab wound and the first question is always "have you thought about losing weight?"
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How does Mrs maisel get such massive laughs with such atrocious material?
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I really hope burglars will pick up items and ask themselves
" does this spark joy?" Before stealing them.
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If you go a Jerry sadowitz show and complain to the venue because you're offended
It's like going to an orgy and complaining you got covered in jizz
Do yer research
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Wait till the Pleasance finds out about the horse who walked into a bar and was "face shamed" by the bartender.
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@DaveyReilly
That's the most self serving " non-existent apology " I have ever read.why is the Irish comedy scene so rife with sexual predators.why do our male " allies" remind silent?
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My thoughts and prayers are with the brave comedians of the Pleasance who are holding off commenting on the sadowitz affair until after the nominations are out.
I'm humbled by your collective courage.
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@LeavittAlone
@Nicole_Cliffe
@gummyeeyores
@ksax48
@irlemmabovary
@rosieatlarge
Before every love scene Errol Flynn would apologize if he got an erection and apologize if he didnt.
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If you're doing an impression of an Irish accent and telling a story in which the Irish person is "thick" maybe check out the nationality of the comic that's following you cause she'll spend the first five minutes of her set ripping you a new one
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A great article that that I'm in.
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@shockproofbeats
Didn't he get into a " classical rap battle" with Michael D Higgins and was bested by him
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Dear journalists
When reviewing Paul Weller's next album could you continuously mention that he's "old " and in his sixties just like you did with madonna you sexist,ageist pricks.
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The calm tone in which she says
"That's a rhetorical device known as what-a-aboutery"
Don't bring a blunt knife to a gun fight.
@markthehibby
@ForWomenScot
And here's Anum Qaisar having her arse handed to on a plate for a second time. That's what happens when you trot out the SPAD-written party line, citing a letter from all the
@Scotgov
funded charities, to a top barrister.
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"They also put me in charge of telling laydeez about the menopause. Ask me anything!"
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My new Edinburgh show is just all the racist jokes punters have told me that " I can use in one of my skits".
This has saved so much time.
Tanken yew.
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My new podcast is called "the c***nts won't book me !" I interview comics about the clubs that don't or won't book them. Come for the bitterness and stay for the paranoia.
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@lindaholmes
Hi I'm a comic in a 'll see me standing in front of a brick wall and pointing to another woman in the audience and shouting" She knows what I'm talkin' about!" there is always raucous laughter and a round of applause.
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SUBSCRIBE TO MY YOUTUBE CHANNEL
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The scene in the John Lewis insurance ad when the boy grabs his sister's paints and hurls them on the ground out of sheer spite
#DontBeThatGuy
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@MarianKeyes
The pathetic snobbery of " irish funerals in the rain" novelists.
If you like it read it.
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@MissMonicaE
I'm a big fan of the phrase " I reject Satan and all of his works" as though he were an indie band that had gotten successful and mainstream
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Mary is imagining "Chinatown" without Roman Polanski
Mary is imagining "thriller" without Michael Jackson
Mary is imagining "I believe I can fly" without R.Kelly
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Well at least I have a title for this year's Edinburgh show " Mary Bourke is unsafe: When did cowardice become a fetish?"
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" I want to speak to the revolution 's manager! "
Elizabeth wasn’t happy with her treatment at the revolution.
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I met lady Susan and her delightful husband Marmaduke Hussey at an embassy reception. Upon hearing my Irish accent she gasped in delight and asked if I would " tarmac her drive".
I don't know why people are so sensitive these days.
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The only reason I stay married is because my husband knows when the bins go out.
There are two collections next week.
Two!
What a time to be alive!
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Lets talk about you not allowing your workers to join a union.
Listen up folks ‘cos we need to talk about Priti Patel’s ‘ugly’ Rwanda plan and what this means.🧵
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How about if we have a child in a "fugue state" damaging a house ?
JOHN LEWIS: I'm not sure ..
Okay, what if he bullies his sister while his mother stares impassively on.
JOHN LEWIS: it's doesn't really..
Okay, what if we play some Fleetwood Mac ?
JOHN LEWIS: perfect!
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I want a paranoid husband with a gmail account and who don't spell good !
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@MarianKeyes
The word " poop" spoken by an actual adult gives me acid reflux. Unless you're a Mormon missionary just say
" shit' like the rest of is.
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See the comedy show that left a New York Times journalist traumatized.
Strictly no refunds.
Buy the ticket. Take the ride.
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I would read this poem everyday that my husband was in the I.C.U.
I hope it comforts someone else.
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Spare a thought for the pain and distress of middle aged white comedy writers.
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I sat next to a couple on the tube who were on a first date. He talked about himself and "the running of the bulls" for a solid 50 minutes complete with video footage on his phone. Lovely brunette lady you deserve more than a TED talk from a bore.
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2/2 she stares at us mesmerized like we're a coven of witches.
She staggers swearing out of the quiet carriage and we all cheered .
#londonshortstories
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The people have spoken!
Please note this show does not "align with the values" of the Pleasance or it's purity police.
Strictly no refunds. Walk outs are encouraged.
If you want to whine to the venue afterwards then feel free.
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@BorderIrish
Hi guys
I started off watching world war two documentaries on the history channel. I thought I could control it but then I found myself using the phrase" blitz spirit" when someone mentioned Brexit and things started to spiral
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Six music dad who has a "fight club" poster, an extensive vinyl collection and really got into "artisan gin" after the divorce
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End Times.
Supply of 99s crumbles due to an unprecedented Flake shortage
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@guybranum
@netflix
@otheralice
" the wains from Chernobyl who've come over to give their lungs a bit of a wee clear out "
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how I miss the randos who would explain my own jokes back to me?
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Last night's
@UnleashedComedy
gig was amazing. Everytime I think of
@andrewdoyle_com
describing himself as a "cube headed grifter" and his shocking reveal at the end makes me laugh all over again.
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That look down the camera.
Perfect timing.
A quick laugh to start off your day? 53 seconds of sound advice from Kitty should do the trick.
Halloee.
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A comedian's role is to stand at the back of the room and nod solemnly in acknowledgment of a really funny joke.
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@MikeBigby
Why didn't he make a ladder ? The witch was just being a good friend by attempting to thwart a potentially toxic relationship
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@guybranum
Whenever someone says they " hate gossip" it's because they have no natural curiosity about anyone but themselves and ate weapons grade dullards.
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"Sorry am I interrupting your interrupting?"
Come for the misogyny and stay for wierdly aggressive lunging hands and arms
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All I'm sayin' is that no Irish women were swindled by the tinder swindler.
"You want me to fly to Amsterdam with 20 grand in cash? (Beat) I will yeah "
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@suzanne_moore
In the words of Seamus Heaney " if we winter this one out we can summer anywhere"
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@guybranum
If I wanted something soft and soggy in my mouth I'd give my ex husband a call.
AMIRIGHT LADIES AMIRIGHT?
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@cschleichsrun
The First Council Of Nicea also decreed that "The Monster Mash" was a "movable feast" and could indeed be anytime
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This is probably the most personal show I've ever written.
Bridges burned and absolutely no fucks given.
Onwards!
We have pro comedians who are using
@twfringefestival
to preview their
@edfringe
shows. For a fiver you can see some truly incredible acts polishing their works in progress. On Friday 8th July
@valevault
we have comedy circuit legends
@madronspanners
&
@marybourkecomic
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A boy comic referred to 1997 as the "turn of the
century" last night.
I'll be in darkened room laying on my chaise lounges dabbing cologne on my throbbing temples
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I'll be tweeting non stop about the show as mama needs to eat and I refuse to pay 2 grand to the "coke addled sea hags" that do festival PR
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Drunk loud woman barges into the quiet carriage and starts screaming abuse on her mobile she recites her number to the person on the phone. With the instinct of a flock of birds we text her and tell her to shut up.when she reads the texts she
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Shout out to the audience member who told me that the only reason he was at my show was 'he had an hour to kill before catching his bus" and my show was nearest to the station.
Edinburgh.
Don't ever change.
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My favorite Edinburgh shows are the ones in which the comic "cries" at the end .Always at the exact same spot and always for a set amount of time and for 24 nights I'm a row.
These comics are nearly always sociopaths.
This rule has never failed me.
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I asked Mr Fox about his involvement in the death of our chickens and he denied it vehemently
I strongly pressed President Putin twice about Russian meddling in our election. He vehemently denied it. I've already given my opinion.....
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I hope you find the peace that eluded you in life.
Ar dheis Dé go Raibh a hAnam
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I'm in the guardian talking about strokes, my worse gig and the genius of julie klausner
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There are no gift bottle bags
Its just one bag endlessly being recycled till the end of time.
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Please be advised that the content of my comedy show does not "align with the values of the Pleasance"
Strictly no refunds!
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It's me in the Guardian Talking About "genocide Gin "
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@tomandlorenzo
@bitchenboutique
Teaching his child that weird trick to distract his wife is downright sociopathic
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Cameron has left some garage flowers outside Scotland's door the yellow reduced sticker is clearly visible
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Today I will be painting my radiators. I didn't choose the thug life.The thug life chose me.
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If you or anyone you know has been affected by "impro" help is available.
Don't be ashamed our trained counsellors are waiting for your call.
Somewhere a drunk audience member is shouting out "gynecologist" as a suggestion for an occupation. This has to end.
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Another encore and standing ovation at yesterday's show. I didn't think a stone cold sober crowd had it in them!
Special mention to the devoted fan who left a bottle of champagne* at the box office.
*It was Aldi prosecco
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@nypost
Life comes at you pretty fast esp when you murder two women with reckless driving and do no jail time
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