Marcella Arguello
@marcellacomedy
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Comedian. Known Bitch. HBO special #BitchGrowUp on MAX. Comedy albums: Mercury in Reggaeton & TheWokeBully. Podcast: Comedy Is Dead! ░T░I░X░ ░I░N░ ░B░I░0░
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Pinned Tweet
TikTok took this one down so that means its perfect for twitter, enjoy ✨
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“I got some offensive jokes, I hope will smith isn’t here” - every stand up comic at every comedy club for the rest of our lives probably
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If by cancel culture republicans are implying that white supremacy is their culture and we want that cancelled then yes I agree
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Shout out to whoever does casting for stranger things. They always find the weirdest lookin white people.
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This is what pursuing your dreams feels like
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Me transferring bad bitch energy to another bad bitch who needs a recharge
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Of course I enjoyed that Olivia Rodrigo album cause dudes really ain’t shit at 17 or 47.
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Saw someone say they’re boycotting any business that requires proof of vaccination to enter and it’s like babe it’s not a boycott if you’re not allowed inside.
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Every woman is looking for some special anti-wrinkle serum that takes 10 years off their face when you could just stop fake laughing at men’s jokes and look fifteen forever.
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Okay now this shirt I bought a few weeks ago is controversial
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Someone asked me why white people can’t dance and I replied, wasn’t it English poet George Michael who declared “guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
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Men are having a hard time social distancing because they’ve lied so much about their height they don’t actually know what 6 feet looks like.
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You ever have McDonalds fries that are so fresh you remember what matters in life
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Shout out to Megan Thee Stallion cause when she said “It never happened if the dick wasn't snappin” it knocked my body count down to two.
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Anybody else keep thinking they’re in a “bad spot” and then remember we just lived through a global pandemic that’s not over
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I still can’t get over Idris Elba’s wife Sabrina sitting behind him in that corona video. That wasn’t to support him. That was to let all us hoes know that she got this and we didn’t need to be in his comments like ILL SUCK THE CORONA RIGHT OUTTA UR DICK.
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If you’ve ever said “Anything for Selenas!” then donate to this go fund me!!!!
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I just saw someone tweet that women protesting are lonely losers who don’t get laid. Sir, it’s the opposite that’s literally why we’re protesting. We gettin blasted TOO much.
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Another friendly reminder to stop eagerly getting out of jury duty just because you don’t want to.
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Who else remembers being against the iraq war and people being like oh wow so you dont SUPPORT OUR TROOPS?!?! And then having the most dumb conversation about being anti american when you were just anti killing innocent people. Anyway this feels like that.
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Why I gotta get charged for sharing my password can’t you just pay chappelle a million dollars less
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Another track?! This is exhausting. No wonder they used to actually kill each other.
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Truly love when people hate a “sorry just seen this” text. Did you want the truth? You want them to tell you that on Tuesday at 4:36pm they were having a crippling emotional melt down due to family and work stress and the idea of being social only contributed to that anxiety more
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iPhone 11 is gonna revolutionize dick pics
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I love how people are like “in quarantine I cut my own hair/painted my own nails/cooked every meal for the first time!” Like wow bitch welcome to being poor you want a sticker you spoiled bitch
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You’re telling me every household in america used to get shampoo samples in the mail but they can’t find a way to get us covid tests
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Your pandemic name is your first + last name on a tombstone.
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He's testing every pant he owns so there's never another "incident"
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OH MY GOD JUST CONFRONT YOUR DAD ALREADY WHAT THE FUCK
A three-day 'alpha male boot camp' is seeing attendees mocked online for paying $18,000 to endure military grade inspired punishments
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White moms are like “I’m tired of warming up these chicken nuggies every damn day”
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So broke people just donating to broker people’s fundraisers. That’s what we doin
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Jonah Hill is a great example of that old saying, give a man some therapy, and you heal him for a day; teach a man therapy words and you feed his manipulation for a lifetime.
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I’m so excited to dine indoors and then immediately die in a mass shooting.
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God me and all my girls are so thirsty I just know a bunch of worthless idiots are gonna get laid this summer
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This is what tiktok looked like when black creators stopped creating
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Wow my family sent a message loud and clear Merry Christmas????
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I keep picturing literally any immigrant parents watching Marriage Story and just having a good laugh at such weak people.
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I’m still laughing at John Mulaney exiting rehab and being like “what kind of woman stays married to an addict for seven years???”
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Way before tweeting “men are trash” .. before blocking your ex on Instagram... you cut that motherfucker outta black & white pics !!!!!
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Are they gonna use guns to shoot the guns or what’s the game plan here
Alec Baldwin Urges Hollywood to Employ Police Officers on Film and TV Sets Using Real or Fake Guns
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Damn the President got impeached during covid more times than I got laid
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“All comedians who believe they can’t say anything, remember Paul Mooney sacrificed stardom so he could say everything.” - Dave Chappelle with the god damn accuracy
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I knew men were worthless when no one invented mail order husbands.
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Hey LA! Do me a favor and check to see if your high beams are on and go ahead and turn them off what the fuck is wrong with you
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No wonder men cheat
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I love that she’s like “just in case anyone doesn’t realize it’s me”
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I actually think all work places should have trash talking. Imagine how fun it would be to do this to your coworker at 10am after turning in the tps reports before her.
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I dont give a single god damn shit if today is the first time someone has spoken up. Thats the goal. For more people to speak up TODAY. Yall need to wake the fuck up and stop acting like Palestine or Sudan or anything is some cool band you were down with before everyone else.
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How many more articles that are like “6 months ago he posted on Facebook ‘the covid vaccine is for pussies’ and now he’s full blown dead” do people need before they get vaccinated
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Tell your crush your feelings. Eat that indulgent food. Take a sick day. Seek revenge. Try some new drugs. Hook up with your work wife. Call a child a bitch. If not on the brink of nuclear war, when?
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Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
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I just started watching Dateline and my friend sent me this and now I cant take these dudes seriously damn you bill hader
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when the world opens up and short guys start approaching me again
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Ten years ago today my sister called to ask me to be in the delivery room with her and my female manager refused to let me have the day off so I quit. Fuck her and fuck anyone who doesn’t let you live laugh and love.
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Did a trans woman take her man or some shit? Why the fuck is she on about this every god damn day
J.K. Rowling Blasts Trans Rights Supporters Like Daniel Radcliffe & Emma Watson, Says 'Harry Potter' Stars "Can Save Their Apologies"
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Comedians will shit on tik tok and front facing comedy and then spend all their time trying to go viral by replying to the presidents tweets.
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For the next stimulus payment we’re gonna have to send the government a penny and they’ll mail us 12 CD’s.
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“I feel better than I did 20 years ago” no baby you just been hella high for three days straight
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United We Stand outside cause we’re not allowed inside head ass
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Them: There’s plenty of fish in the sea!
The Sea:
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Shout out to anti maskers giving me side eyes while I cough. THOUGHT YOU DIDNT CARE BITCH!!!!
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Depression hits super different when everyone around you is also depressed.
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Please stop telling teenagers they’re too tall to be trick or treating, they’re still kids and who cares if they don’t put in the effort to dress up!!! But you’ll happily give candy to an infant?? bro that’s even worse cause it’s going straight to the adults. Ugh.
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Me when my mom gets mad at me
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Republicans using “cancel culture” to defend trump is a solid reason for comedians to stop fucking spewing that stupid shit.
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You ever tell someone you have a horrible memory and they’re like yeah that’s usually a sign of childhood abuse and you’re like this really the conversation you tryna have right now
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She just called you all untalented hacks and I am HERE FOR IT
Jennifer Aniston says the industry is changing: “It’s not that glamorous anymore. It’s becoming about followers. We’re hiring now based on followers not talent? And I’m losing touch. I’m not great at going, ‘I’m going to stay relevant and join TikTok.’”
()
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“WE ARE CLOSED BECAUSE NO ONE WANTS TO WORK ANYMORE!!” You think slave owners said shit like this after slaves were freed
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Did trump find out his real daddy is the mail man wtf is going on
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Hey guys I’ll be selling t shirts in two colors coming soon
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I cant get over how theres multiple generations of comedians who say George Carlin is not only their favorite comedian but the BEST comedian ever, have exactly zero to say about whats going on. Just happily postin their little crowd work podcast character clips like nothin.
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15 million more people will be food insecure this year. Please consider donating to your local food banks if you have the means. And never forget, Christopher Columbus is a bitch. Happy Thanksgiving.
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I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Little Caesars Hot N Ready is for the people.
Papa John's founder John Schnatter attends the Trump rally in Lexington, Kentucky.
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Excited to pay off my credit card and then watch my credit score plummet lmao adulthood is truly the scam of the century
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People are mad about a music video what is this, 1996?
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I don’t know who needs to hear this right now but Bill Burr taped his first one hour special when he was 40.
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I said I wanted to buy myself a cake to eat and someone suggested I make a milkless butterless eggless cake that was popular during the great depression and it’s like babe we’re not in the MIDDLE of the great depression we’re at the BEGINNING of the great depression
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White people really invented race then said they’d prefer if you didn’t critically theorize it.
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This might be the best air bnb review I’ve ever read
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how I’ll sleep when Twitter suspends me for wishing death on evil men
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Watching liberal comedians and writers have more smoke for Hasan when that piece dropped than for Amy right now is very eye opening. Its almost like you enjoy participating in the propaganda machine. Truly inspiring industry.
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I love this performance of wiping down the podium between speakers but not cleaning or changing the mic.
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All these rappers endorsing Trump remind me of this bit
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