Lukas Battle
@lukasbattle
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Not to be dramatic but the sun setting at 5:00pm everyday has ruined my life.
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I was blackout last night and posted a video to my story of me following an animal down the street yelling ”what are you? Ive never seen one like you?“ and then I woke up this morning, watched it and the animal was just a black trash bag blowing across the sidewalk I’m speechless.
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That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group's PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying "I'm sorry for that".
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White people refer to their Grandparents like "My Nana and Gpaw are coming over tonight. Have you met my Nini-banini and grandpiano? Omg u would love them, my Nae Nae makes the best cookies and my G-string tells the best jokes. What do u call your ipod Nano and Granite counter?.
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My biggest flaw is probably being from the United States.
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I’m sick of coffee I want whatever theater kids consumed that made them act like that at 8am.
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She always poses like shes trying to parallel park.
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I don’t like that they start with that states that don’t agree with me.
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I just know Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis talk about this situation all the time
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If they met you now would they be proud of the person you’ve become?
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That’s so embarrassing.
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Therapist:lets go back to that day. Me: no I cant. Therapist: I want to hear you say out loud what you found out that day. Me:[sniffles] When ppl go on house hunters they've already bought the house they want.The producers just show them two random houses they pretend to consider.
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Ahh yes, we now move to the next phase of our f*cked up timeline where a girl who went viral for bringing a gun to her school challenges a school shooting victim to arm wrestle over our second amendment rights. this makes sense. this is normal
Catch me on @NRATV this morning talking about my challenge to @davidhogg111 to arm wrestle over the fate of the 2nd amendment. Think twig arms will tune in?
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My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”.
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Couples costume.
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I could write an entire thesis on what this picture means to me
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So my mom has been watching Mama Mia on repeat for the past week but today she stepped it up a notch by somehow playing Mama Mia simultaneously on EVERY SINGLE TV in our house so as she walks around she can continue to watch and never miss a scene I can hear it from my bedroom.
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What’s the most fcked up story you have of your family? Mine is when my brothers and sisters duct taped my little brother to a poll in our basement and left him there for hours and we would periodically walk down to feed him dry lucky charms and water.
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Guys I played a game like cards against humanity but with text convos and the combos are honesty fcked up lmao
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Thinking about the time my mom and my sister got in a fight when my sister was like 14 & my mom said"U need to change young lady" & my sister went up to her room,put her hair in a ponytail,cut it all off,came back down & said"hows this for change?"& dropped her hair on the ground.
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My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up.
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NYC kids invite ppl to parties like "Hey wanna come over to my pantry sized apartment tonight? We're throwing a party for my friend, she just got an adderall prescription so we're celebrating.The theme is pink wigs so bring ur Juul & disposable camera, show up no earlier than 2am.
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The amount of awkward silence that’s going to be in this film.
Michael Cera and Kristen Stewart to play husband and wife in road-trip comedy ‘Sacramento’. (Source:
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His lifespan is that of a redwood tree. He can see into the future as clear as he can reflect on the past. He is a celestial being that knows when and how we all die. He eats oatmeal for every meal.
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My favorite thing on Twitter rn is the icarly Brazil account that responds to every single one of Kanye’s tweets
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It’s been Halloween and the week before the election for 2 years now.
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When your Mom runs into someone who “knew you as a baby” at the grocery store .
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Last night at the bar my friend walked away with a guy & was talking to him for a long time & it looked like they were really hitting it off but when I walked over to tell her we had to leave I find out he's a doctor & this bitch was getting a consultation for her back pain lmao.
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If the devil tempted Eve with an apple he tempted me with the Home Depot employee stairs
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People who retweet this shit still go to their old high school's football games
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Me getting ready for the the 8th grade class trip.
I’m NOT suicidal!.Just want to say that as I prepare to head to DC!.
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Whats the most fcked up thing that happened to u in middle school?Mine was when we were tossing a ball around on the bus saying it was going to"explode" & the bus driver heard,called the police &the bomb squad quarantined us in the bus for 3 hours till the dogs got done searching.
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Please tell me I’m having a stroke and not that the president of the United States just tweeted a Nickelback meme.
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What happened while I was cleaning my house, paper towelically, can never happen again.
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Just heard the still silence of my home for the first time in five years…chills….
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Some of you guys didn’t read “The Giving Tree” when you were younger and missed out on the important life lesson about giving too much of yourself to one person and it shows in your toxic ass relationships smh Shel Silverstein would be disappointed.
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Me waking up everyday as a skinny white guy with brown hair
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I’m having a mental breakdown on the street bc I just reached into the pockets of the pants I’m wearing right now that I thrifted and pulled out a bunch of finger nails how am I supposed to walk into this party I want to shower for 4 day wtf I hate ppl why is my life like this.
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Me drunk, Me hungover the.looking at next morning.my reflection looking at my.in the mirror reflection in the . mirror.
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People think they’re performing stand up when it’s time to write a Venmo description.
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I knew Anatomy Of A Fall was going to win best screenplay when my mom said “exactly, exactly” out loud in the theater during the blame husband monologue.
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Police officer: [takes my mug shot]. Me: ok now a silly one.
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I just learned that my little brother and my little sister have a class together and my brother talks the whole time and my little sister takes notes the whole time and my sister won't give my brother her notes at home until he cleans her room and does chores for her lmao.
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I wouldn’t say this out loud in a room alone.
Haley Lu Richardson reveals to @TODAYshow that some of the clothes her character Portia wore on #WhiteLotus came from her own closet.
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My mind in 5th grade when someone told me that “you can bite through your finger just as easily as you can bite through a carrot but your brain doesn’t let you”.
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My mom just started watching Call Me By Your Name and she keeps saying she’s “so happy the boys are having a fun summer”.
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People that live in Cali are there parking lots that are more fun to hangout in than others? I always see you posting Instagram stories in parking lots I’m interested in the hierarchy and how you select which parking lot to spend the most of your time in and what you do there.
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My bank account: $10.25. Me: if I don’t go and buy a $40 plant for my apartment right now I’m going to die.
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Me: I have no money I can’t even afford to eat today. Me drunk at the bar buying drinks that night:.
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Me walking into the family room every morning looking for a fight
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trying to force myself to communicate using English instead of referencing memes when I talk to people in real life.
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Temperature dropped below 70 degrees and now something very academic is brewing inside me…something very dewy decimal system is trying to get out.
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1 bedroom, 1 bath studio with fireplace and street facing window $2600 a month plus utilities
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My "friends" convinced me that my hair would look good in a middle part so I did my hair and went out feeling confident but then halfway through the night I caught my reflection in a mirror and immediately walked out of the party and went home bc I looked like Dwight Schrute.
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Our founding fathers wrote the constitution not knowing $23 salads would exist.
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Me applying to jobs with zero work experience and nothing to put on my resume
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All I want to do is . *gunshot* .*gunshot* .*gunshot*.*gunshot*. And a . *cash register noise* . Have fun with my friends this summer while still being financialy conscious.
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I found out today that some people don’t have internal monologues??????? The other day I asked myself why I don’t laugh at our jokes anymore inside my head.
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My friend and I carried a wooden tv stand we found on the street up 6 flights of stairs drunk at 4am bc we watched property brothers earlier that day and thought it would match perfectly with the rest of the room.
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To all the girls in elementary school who would say “Girls go to college to get more knowledge, boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider.” Hi just checking in 15 years later sweetie how are your crippling student loans? I’m currently orbiting Saturns’ moon Enceladus smoking crack.
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I would give anything to be quarantined in here with him
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I almost started crying on the street today because for a full 24 hours I thought these were real bears.
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Me guarding a story about my childhood trauma after two drinks at the bar
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My friends: be there in 5 minutes to pick you up. Me 6 minutes later blankly staring out my window:
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Fuck sex I want the feeling you get when you walk through a busy bar with your friends and have to link hands to pull each other through the dense crowd.
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*five minutes until the end of lecture* . Professor: ok that’s all I have for toda-. Me:.
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If somehow Tik Tok is allowed to come back my Little Women fan edits better be right where I left them or there will be hell to pay.
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What happens inside a Build-A-Bear Workshop is the closest thing humanity will ever get to harnessing the powers of God.
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I haven't Tweeted since NYE bc I blacked out and tried to get into a bar without my wallet and got turned away so I ran back home to get it, got distracted, left without it, went back to the bar, got turned away, ran back home to get it, left it again, then puked alone on street.
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Why is it walking on two legs? Why does it have have a basket? Why is it wearing human clothes? Why does it know how to drive a scooter? Why didn’t it stop? Why didn’t someone help? .
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I am a: . ���️ Man. ⚪️ Woman. 🔘full grown adult . Emotionally attached to: . ⚪️ Boys. ⚪️ Girls. 🔘 historical buildings thousands of miles away from me.
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Oh he’s begging to be filleted and grilled.
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