esther povitsky
@littleesther
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inanimate object / my stand up special HOT FOR MY NAME is streaming on youtube / see my stand up live: chicago, nyc, boston, detroit:
Norma Desmond's Villa
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it’s harder than u think to communicate w someone who isn’t familiar w the world of spongebob
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DEAR COMEDY FANS, START ASKING THE MEN IN COMEDY WHAT THEY THINK ABOUT WHAT'S GOING ON WITH SEXUAL ALLEGATIONS AND STOP ASKING ME. SPOILER: I'M AGAINST THINGS THAT ARE ABUSIVE TOWARDS WOMEN OR ILLEGAL OR BOTH. R U FUCKING CRAZY LOL
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my dad just asked if i want to go see US the new gordon peele movie
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kids who want mansions: get real. they're too hard to keep clean and have too many places for murderers to hide. save your $
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instead of horny i say hot n ready bc it conveys the same message and also makes it sound like i might be pizza
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lebron should start the “open a school challenge” and tag three rich celebrities
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why do i almost fall asleep on the couch at 9pm then drag myself to get ready for bed and suddenly have enough energy to start a business
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now that the strike is over i can finally promote my next project
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hi 💔
i’m so sorry but i just spoke to brody’s manager and it is true that brody stevens is gone.
i love you all and i’m sorry this is happening. there will never be another.
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does everyone have to have interests? or is it fine if some of us just want to eat and sleep and sit
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i forgot that westworld isn’t a tv show it’s just a weekly final exam for a class you didn’t sign up for
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how many of ur ex boyfriends appeared on the joe rogan experience today - for me it was two
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at thanksgiving dinner i said i was thankful for my miscarriage and my mom actually did not find that funny
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call your senator/murderer who wants you to cheat you out of proper health care in order to buy themselves a vacation home 202-224-3121
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honored that me and my stomach are the new face of young people making bad financial decisions
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i don’t want to be a person who brags but today a man approached me in a parking lot and offered me $500 for my car
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if you can’t handle me at my worst then you don’t deserve me at my other worst which is just my regular worst plus a stomach ache
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today at lax someone from tmz asked me why does pete davidson who is not hot but funny get hot girls but it doesn’t work the other way around for a funny woman - I was like ok do u realize u just called me ugly tho
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can’t stop thinking about what it would be like to put a few spoonfuls of vanilla soft serve in a cup of coffee tomorrow
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the sign of an amazing croissant: when you bite into it, it sounds like a thunderstorm
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no one at this funeral has mentioned what the hashtag is yet
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i'm not religious but i feel in my gut when i wake up from a three hour nap that i have committed a sin
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i think that dating losers is actually a prerequisite for female greatness
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i would like to see if anyone on twitter can guess why my dad (age 79) got arrested at a casino last night.
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i have two modes: cult leader and lowest tier of the cult member
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proud boys did the impossible - made bad boys not hot anymore
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me looking forward to a wonderful holiday season w my family vs me on my way home after realizing all my life choices come from a place of pain and fear caused by my relatives
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lana del ray has one billboard for her new album and it's in her ex's hometown...babe this is the cult im in ok
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didn’t trust that my friends wouldn’t touch my popcorn while i went to the bathroom so we took before and after photos
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when a company wishes you a happy birthday but doesn’t offer a birthday discount... why
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needing to move up a size in sweatpants is quite the wake up call
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i’m noticing that some people are victims of their childhood being too good
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chelsea peretti is so obsessed with david chang that she just accidentally called me david chang
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streaming free No LoG iN rEqUiReD
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i’m reading about cleopatra and it’s without question that i believe the cleopatra of our generation is trisha paytas
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why the fuck don’t they make a version of oreos that are soft
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was live streaming about my anxiety annnnnd cue earthquake and cue me reaching for my dog and cue her being like lol mom stop
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when i watch tv in a hotel room instead of look at my phone im like wow im so healthy
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my dad just asked me if i’ve watched “coffee in the cars”
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Met a hot guy at a Bernie Sanders demonstration today, thank you Gloria Steinem for the idea!
#FeelTheBern
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my stand up special is streaming on comedy central for free with no log in required! click link, free, FuLL sPeCiAL!
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strongly approve that POCKETS is the biggest word on this sign
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kids like grape jelly teens like strawberry and grown ups like raspberry
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i hate when i feel rushed by a waiter i’m like please sir this is all i have
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why is my urge to go get preg w republican politician’s babies and then ruin their lives w my forever presence
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i love learning mental health tips from 19 year old models wearing color contacts
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u know ur bombing when u have to mention the swine flu
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just prepped all my meals for the week! jk see u at taco bell tomorrow am
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i'm annoyed that none of my friends will come over and stand exactly where i tell them to in my backyard and then perform a play that i wrote
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recovery day routine:
oat milk latte
vegan muffin
custom salad
screaming fight with my mom
afternoon green tea
customer service battle that saves me four dollars
thirty minute walk
make my mom cry again
healthy dinner
five donuts (non vegan)
evening bath
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i don’t believe that mac and cheese is a side. but then i’m like… it’s also not an entree. stumped on this one!
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people who don’t think target is fun: ur not better than me
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never been so certain i was born in the wrong country til now
Canadian eatery puts tiny chairs around the little ‘table’ that comes inside pizza boxes:
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is it weird that i'm dating a guy who's favorite sister is kendall? like that feels weird
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if my niece is raised by my older sister who bullied me, is my niece also going to bully me? she’s 12 years old, i can feel it coming.
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me taking selfies alone at a taco stand the night of my hs ex's wedding in miami
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my dad is going absolutely nuts begging me to get a refund for my costco membership bc he says he “knows how to get in without one”
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just did the unthinkable: got coffee with someone i actually wanted to see
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just got a reminder from a family member that apparently when i was little you had to call me pongo (from 101 dalmatians) or i would like bite and attack you
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beyond grateful that nice dresses make me look like an 18th century ghost
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i got another tattoo in new york and this is not a drill i spelled what i got wrong
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it’s attractive when someone at the grocery store knows exactly what they need and just grab it instead of standing and staring at everything like a stupid ass like i do
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slightly concerned that i might be a huge loser wtffffff
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i drank a large oreo shake and slept 11 hours in case u were wondering why i'm glowing today
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I’m such a ditz! Halfway through baking my famous cherry holiday pie, I ran out of sugar. Had to run next door to my neighbors to borrow some. I’m now banned?! Merry Christmas!🎄
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i simply cannot believe how good taco bell tasted today
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we just caught my dad deleting texts !! keep u posted
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the best sex i've ever had? brittany murphy and eminem in 8 mile.
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a free latte at 10pm actually has a strong price to be paid i'm now seeing
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today i just can’t help but think about the time larry king interviewed me and went off script to ask if i had a boyfriend...what’s my next move here...
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i think when you’ve been friends with someone for 10 years you automatically get to be cousins
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