Julie Burton
@ksujulie
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Mom. Writer. Bacon-hater —please don’t drop me as a friend.
⛲️Kansas City
Joined March 2009
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Like, you have to laugh that I just got divorced in front of a judge, my attorney, and my ex without pants on.
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Going through a divorce, living in an empty apt, googling “how to make money,” co-parenting with someone I don’t get along with, raising daughters through puberty, losing my kids half the time, losing half my friends, half my life — all during a global pandemic.
I’m fine, why?
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10-year-old me: When am I ever going to use long division in real life?
34-year-old-me: (opening daughter's backpack) You son of a bitch.
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[Daughter, 12, reading summer camp rules]
“Girls — no white T-shirts. No two-piece swimsuits. Shorts over bathing suits at lake attractions.”
[keeps scrolling]
“Where are the boys’ rules?”
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Ice cream employee: I didn't know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!
It's like she didn't want a tip.
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Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
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Before I hung up the phone with my ex-husband, I said “love you, bye.”
Don’t tell me you’ve had a bad day.
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Code words for “fuck you”:
Bless your heart.
You do you.
Good luck with that.
Let me know how that goes for you.
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Calm down “baby on board” people. I don’t want my teenagers to die either.
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Friendly reminder that any babies conceived on Valentine's Day will have a Thanksgiving birthday and 42 years of not choosing dinner.
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14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
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What it’s like riding with a teenager learning how to drive:
Flew over the speed bump at normal speed because she thought it was supposed to slow her down.
The next try she slowed down too much and didn’t make it over.
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My 17-year-old — senior in high school — had to FaceTime me because she didn’t understand how to endorse a paper paycheck.
“So like cursive or print?”
“Your signature. Whatever that looks like when you sign things.”
“I don’t know.”
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“Mom, your old 90s music is so much better than today’s music.”
Holy shit did I nail this parenting.
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[2004]
Him: I do.
Me: I do.
Narrator: And from that day forward, he never had to shop or wrap another gift for his mother, father, or brother.
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10-year-old me: When am I ever going to use long division in real life?
34-year-old-me: (opening daughter's backpack) Oh, you son of a bitch.
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“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
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[2004]
Him: I do.
Me: I do.
Narrator: And from that day forward, he never had to shop or wrap another gift for his mother, father, or brother.
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No woman is more full of shit than the one that grabs a basket at Target.
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After I die, I give you permission to post how I passed away in my obituary.
I would never leave you google-searching my death.
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Merry Christmas to all the divorced parents waking up alone on Christmas.
You’re not alone. 🤍
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9: Where’s dad? I need his help.
Me: Anything your dad can do, I can do. What do you need?
9: When I flushed the toilet, it keeps rising.
Me: Go find your dad.
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Husband: You have a package at the door.
Me: Oh, hmmm. Must be my contacts.
Narrator: It wasn’t her contacts. It was her Tory Burch shoes she ordered when she was angry at him a few days ago.
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Friendly reminder that any babies conceived on Valentine's Day will have a Thanksgiving birthday and 40 years of not choosing dinner.
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13: Apple-picking?! Just take us to the grocery store and take a picture of us holding up apples. Put that on your Instagram.
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13: There goes mom, sounding like a millennial again.
Me: WHAT? I am not.
13: Yes, you are. You’re a Millennial.
Me: 1981 is on the edge of Gen X and Millennial. I’m actually an xennial. It’s a micro generation with an analog childhood and digital adulthood.
13: Ok, boomer.
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14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
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I get it, women who live in yoga pants.
But have you tried sweatpants? They’re like the Cadillac of comfort.
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I’m done trying to convince my teenager the world is not against her. But at the same time, my teenager is my world and she’s against me.
There’s no joke here.
Parenting is hard.
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Husband: I need your credit card to buy something off Amazon.
Me: I have it memorized, ready?
Husband: WHAT?!
Me: What.
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"So when he goes to sleep, do I sit in his room and watch him?"
- my creepy daughter, asking questions before her first babysitting job.
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Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
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Ice cream employee: I didn't know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!
It's like she didn't want a tip.
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One way to keep the spark alive in your marriage is by buying your wife a banana smoothie after you’ve paid zero attention the past 14 years to know she hates bananas.
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And then God said, "yes Julie. You deserve $13 for opening the dryer on this Saturday morning. You do laundry for four people."
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PTA room mom: We need some volunteers for the class par—
Me: PLATES AND NAPKINS!
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Virtual learning parents,
Everything comes down to this one lesson in life:
You’re. Your.
Their. There. They’re.
Where. Wear. We’re.
Two. To. Too.
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A couple in their late 60s brought plastic cups and champagne for everyone at the pool and said it was their anniversary. I asked how many years and she said 2 weeks.
And now they’re my favorite love story.
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PTA room mom: We need some volunteers for the class par-
Me: PLATES AND NAPKINS!
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“You’re grounded. And you’re grounded. Now I’m grounded. Your dad is grounded. The whole family is grounded.”
Summer break, day 10.
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I get it, women who live in yoga pants.
But have you tried sweatpants?
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Enrolled my daughter in middle school today. Chatted with parents, staff, and volunteers. When I came home, I realized my shirt was on backwards.
Oh middle school. I still got it. 👊🏼
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Now that I have a teenage daughter of my own I completely understand why my mom was batshit crazy when I was teenager.
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"Hi, my daughter will be late to school because there’s a bump in her sock."
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Could really go for a husband who loves yard work right now.
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Will the popular crowd at my kids’ schools please make a winter coat in below 0 temps cool?
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You guys know you can write fucking instead of effing, right?
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Husband: Why is every female in this house so angry?
Me: I’ve heard of this. I think our hormones are synced.
Husband: With the devil?
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You know you're old when your kid has a teacher named McKinsey.
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Daughter, 11: Clothing rules for camp - girls - no white T-shirts. No two-piece swimsuits. Shorts over bathing suits at lake attractions.
Where are the boys’ rules?
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Whoever said you only get your kid for 18 years is wrong. You get them for 9, maybe 10 years, and then your kid hates you.
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Friendly reminder that any babies conceived on Valentine's Day will have a Thanksgiving birthday and 39 years of not choosing dinner.
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Thank you, Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter for not having the “see who viewed your profile” feature so stalkers like myself can roam free.
Fuck you, LinkedIn.
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My throat hurts. This can't happen.
If I get sick, the house collapses, and my family wanders the streets in search of shelter and food.
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Me: I don’t like cake pops. I don’t like knowing people roll their hands all over them.
11: Yeah, well a chicken pops an egg out its butt and you eat that.
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"Parents - please remember to send your child in with a Valentine's box for class valentines."
Buy a new pair of shoes. Got it.
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I’m not counting down the days until Christmas. I’m counting down the days until we start gaining light again.
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Sorta jealous my baby nephew can make death stares at the family and still be called adorable.
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[Overheard daughter talking to ex-husband]
“You better have those Christmas lights up this weekend, dad. Do it now while it’s still warm or you’ll never do it. “
It’s like I never moved out.
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“Who cares what you wear. It’s a neighborhood New Year’s Eve party. These are the same people that see you running the trash out in PJs and titties swinging.” - My husband’s NYE fashion advice.
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My daughter woke up 11:30 am and the first words out of her mouth were, “what day is it?”
To be honest, I have no clue.
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Checking on my daughter in virtual school. She had headphones on and was moving her mouth but no words were coming out.
I got her attention and asked what she was doing.
“Choir.”
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Me: Go read a book. Please.
9: Your parenting ways aren’t working with me.
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My kid gave me her Xmas list on a PowerPoint if you’re wondering how virtual school is going.
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Just parallel parked like a boss and I hope all of you saw that.
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“In west Philadelphia born and raised...on the playground is where I spent most of my days...” Do you know this song?
11: No, I’m not old.
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Dad just called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
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How adorable was I baby proofing 14 years ago when eventually the kid would be behind the wheel of a 3,000 pound machine going 75 mph.
It’s fine. I’m fine.
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[Scraping melted cheese off the counter]
Me: GIRLS! IF YOU SPILL, CLEAN. IT. UP. YOU DON’T HAVE A CLEANING FAIRY!
10: Kinda looks like we do though.
Me: GET OUT.
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Me: Sometimes I smile at people behind my mask.
11: I just squint at people and they think I’m smiling.
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That’s cute “Reasons my toddler is crying.”
I have “Reasons my middle schooler is crying” but I can’t post that on social media because I live on eggshells now.
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[Parent-teacher conference /Spanish]
T: Your daughter has a clear Spanish speaking voice. Sounds fluent.
Me: (hair flip) My family is Mexican. I encourage her to learn the Spanish language.
T: She’s getting a D because of late assignments.
Me: That’s her dad.
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Daughter woke up with no voice this morning.
I gave her Vitamin C, Zinc, a cough drop, and then blasted “Poor Unfortunate Souls” on The Little Mermaid soundtrack while I danced around the kitchen with her voice around my neck.
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The real magic of Christmas is when you have teenagers who don’t believe in that stupid Elf on the Shelf doll.
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“It feels weird to smile in the mornings.”
— My 11-year-old transitioning into adulthood.
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Dads of daughters: teach your girls how to use power tools.
Because one day they might be divorced and crying on the floor while watching Miguel on YouTube showing how to change a drill bit.
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[School drop-off line]
11: BYE, NIPPLES! (Slams door)
Me: (rolls window down) ONE DAY YOU’RE GONNA DROP YOUR KIDS OFF AT SCHOOL WITH NO BRA.
11: MOM!
Me: Have a good day!
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“Can I bring beer?” - every dad getting ready for the pumpkin patch
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If putting up a tree before Thanksgiving brings my daughters joy in their new lives celebrating two Christmases, then I’m okay with it.
Stop telling me it’s “too soon,” Greg on the Internet.
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11: Mom, Will left a 15% tip which equaled $14.25. What was his total before the tip? And no tax.
Me: WTF. Look at the Goddamn receipt. I don’t know.
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Went to the grocery store at 7 am this morning like a psychopath.
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Hey, organic quinoa mom - your kid is gonna drink from a bathtub full of liquor someday.
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When you’re divorced you find yourself hoping your kid learns “foil doesn’t go in the microwave” at your ex’s house.
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Story time.
When I was in high school, my teacher brought his young son into work with him.
Girl in my class: What’s your son’s name?
Teacher: Ask him!
Girl: Hi Askhim!
I’ll never forget that girl for as long as I live.
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Me: Do you know who MLK Jr. is?
6: He wanted a new law.
Me: About what?
6: To tell people to stop being weird about their skin color.
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A bunch of 25-year-olds at the pool asked what song was playing because “it sounds like all they’re doing is whining” and it was Jane Says by Jane’s Addiction and I’m old now.
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Me: You want to go to the apple orchard this weekend?
10: NO
Me: We’ll make memories!
10: How about we (air quotes) “MAKE MEMORIES” at the grocery store in front of the apples. Put that on your Instagram.
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I’m not counting down the days until Christmas. I’m counting down the days until we start gaining light again.
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Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
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My ex and I decided to give our daughter my car for her 15th birthday. I dropped the car off in his driveway last night.
I woke up laughing when I realized the scandal this might cause when the neighbors wake up.
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