Kip Conlon
@kipconlon
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6,702
Following
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31
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14,193
Retired barber since "the incident."
Brooklyn
Joined December 2010
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House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.
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My dad has beers with his buddies each Wednesday and makes a list of things to talk about beforehand and it is the cutest thing in the world!
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Not a morning person. Afternoon’s not great for me either. Night? You’d think so, but no.
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My friend Jenna and I have a pact if we’re not married by 50 she’ll explain again how she doesn’t think of me that way.
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Get a raven, they said, it’ll take your mind off Lenore, they said.
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To everyone who said my music “hobby” was a waste of time and would never lead to a career: I need to borrow some money.
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If you’re blue and you don’t know where to go to why don’t you go where fashion sits—
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Is this a job interview or an interrogation? Five years is a long time from now, how the hell should I know?
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Follow my account where we REALLY rate dogs. None of this 13/10 “loves snoot boops” crap. If Bella’s a 4, we’re saying so.
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Don’t know why it took my marriage falling apart for me to get into Taco Bell. This stuff’s fantastic.
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The tests came back. First, the good news. You don't have hypochondria.
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Want to feel old? Pebbles Flintstone's been dead for 2 million years.
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We're all the bad guy in someone else's story. Like me with that guy whose identity I stole.
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After choosing our lobsters, the server led us to the baked potato tank.
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My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
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At first I was skeptical of the Monkees. Who are they? Do they put anybody down? Do they, as their name suggests, monkey around? Such doubts were soon laid to rest.
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Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
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There’s no “borrowing” among friends. If my pal needs a few bucks to see him through the end of the month, I simply end the friendship.
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In high school they called me a “dork” for being president of the photography club, but look at me now, mentioning it in conversation.
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I get it. You represent the Lollipop Guild. Please, a woman is dead and I'm hopelessly lost.
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Bears do many things in the woods. Unclear why we have to focus on this.
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I’m a meteorologist. Say “weatherman” again and we’re taking this outside where we can expect 70% humidity.
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Without citing so much as a single study, ZZ Top alleges “every” girl crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man. These aren’t serious people.
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I’m sorry, sir, it’s “all you CAN eat,” not all you feel like eating. You’re not going anywhere.
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I didn't come here to make friends. So that part worked out.
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We said goodbye to our parrot, Handsome Jack, today. He said goodbye back. So that's a relief.
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I only just started working out and people are already noticing how much I mention it.
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Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn't come up.
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“Catapult? I think you mean trebuchet,” I say, as I am loaded into the trebuchet.
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They tried to make me go to rehab and I said, that makes sense.
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You haven't lived until you've seen the Aurora Borealis from Norway. Your life has meant nothing. You're not even really living now.
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Worst thing about witness protection program is the lousy Wi-fi in downtown Duluth.
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Did the aquarium staff warn me? Yes. Did they warn me enough? My lawyer isn’t sure.
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John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
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Bird watching combines my love of nature with my deep distrust of birds.
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When we started our burger franchise, we were four guys with a dream. Then we met another guy.
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Sorry for the late response, just got your text now. Yes, I will bring the ransom money.
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Scoffed at the rumors this hotel was haunted, but just came back from breakfast and SOMEONE'S MADE THE BED.
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“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you're on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan.
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As the dogs and bees continued their attack, I tried in vain to remember my favorite things.
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Date keeps sending signals she wants to go to bed with me. The old won't-stop-yawning routine.
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If by "PCP" you mean peace, charity, and PCP, then yes, I AM on PCP.
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Have a crush on the nurse who works at the blood drive. Hope she likes pale, dizzy guys.
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“The difference between 'asocial' and 'antisocial' has a lot to do with empathy,” I explain to my refrigerator.
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The difference between Cognac and Brandy is Cognac is made in the Cognac region of France and Brandy is a fine girl.
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Fire me? Ha! Go ahead. Good luck finding another tambourine player with only eight weeks to go before your tour.
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Walked 14 miles today. Any time I felt like stopping I just reminded myself, "you are hopelessly lost."
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Day one. Captain’s log. On top of everything else apparently I have to keep some stupid log.
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Everyone laughed when I told them I wanted to be a calypso singer. Well, they're not laughing now. This was like an hour ago.
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Brag alert. Today I literally held Jimi Hendrix's guitar. Even more insane, I was able to buy it for sixty dollars from a guy on Craigslist.
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I hate to be that guy, but this parasol is barely protecting my daiquiri.
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Kicked out of poetry class for plagiarism. And that has made all the difference.
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My psychologist can’t prescribe drugs but tells me he knows a guy.
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Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
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Holding a grudge only robs you of precious moments that could be spent plotting revenge.
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Lied when my doctor asked if I smoked cigarettes. Wanted her to think I was cool.
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Now I am become Death, destroyer of worlds, and this is my wife, Patti.
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Midway through my training to swim the English Channel, I'm informed there's a ferry.
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Once again knock-knock jokes voted worst way to deliver sad news.
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Voted “best looking” and “most corrupt yearbook editor” in high school.
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The postman stopped by to say goodbye, after 12 years of delivering my mail. Retiring, moving to Arizona. Shook his hand. Bill or Brad or something.
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@chrissyteigen
mustard and that's it. "Hot pastrami on rye with mustard." If there are follow up questions, go elsewhere immediately.
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“Flintstones” inaccuracies (thread)
1. Talking pterodactyl
(1/?)
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5 years ago I had no job, no girlfriend, and was living in my mom’s basement. Today she told me I can have the sewing room.
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Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee's server.
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To all the haters who said I'd never make it: can I crash at your place for a while?
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Lesser known is Oslo Syndrome, where you’re not crazy about your captors but you wouldn’t, like, avoid them at a wedding.
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When having a rough day, I think of something my therapist said: “Has it been fifty minutes yet?”
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Before the advent of the kiss-cam, we made out at basketball games unobserved, like trees falling in an empty forest.
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Living alone, there's no one to tell you you can't have ice cream for dinner or that your existence matters.
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As the organist for both my church and the New York Mets, the occasional mix up is to be expected. Again, my apologies to the Emmons family during this trying time.
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As the train derailed, I sprinted from the scene, my penny be damned.
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Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
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Girlfriend broke up with me for being “completely delusional.” She'll be back.
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Know what happened to the last guy who accused me of making empty threats? Nothing. You think about that.
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Just so you know, you mess with my friends, you mess with THEM. I'm staying completely out of this.
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So fresh out of jail, 200 bucks to my name, living in some slumlord’s “hotel” on Baltic Avenue, I’m a tiny metal top hat, relying on the community chest for handouts
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You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
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Ordered pancakes at Waffle House. They were polite about it, but the contempt was palpable.
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Casper? Sure, he’s a friendly ghost. When he wants something.
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Worrying is a total waste of one’s time and energy but oh my God what if it isn’t, what if it’s vital somehow.
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Never tell your doctor what is bothering you right away. Learn the dance.
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Two lions are eating a clown. One turns to the other and says, “this man probably had a family.”
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Taught myself French to find out what the hell is going on in “Frère Jacques.”
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No, I won’t be writing sponsored tweets. Not for a beer as bold and refreshing as Heineken, not for anyone.
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Sick of people and their made up rules. No white pants after Labor Day. No red wine with fish. Heroin is “bad.”
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Like a bull in a china shop, I’m puzzled why I am in a china shop.
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There's no “i” in team. Or “q” in basketball. Billy, your essay's a mess.
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