Helen Kingston
@kingstonwrites
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Screenwriteršæ TV & Film & Theatre @ITG_Ltd Range Media Partners š¬ Mainly on instagram now @ kingstonwrites and https://t.co/iRrtsp7qDU
Oxford, England
Joined January 2010
Men's midlife crises are intensely boring they just get an expensive bike and marry a 30 year old version of the same wife whereas women do fucken cool stuff like open owl cafes, retrain as beekeepers and get phds in necromancy.
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not been this tense watching a door since Parasite.
"A lot of people are going to change their behaviour.". Professor Robert Kelly tells Sky News he thinks South Korea will keep the #coronavirus outbreak under control, after the country reported more than 160 new cases. Get the latest on #COVID19 here:
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Still haunted by my GCSE German speaking exam when the examiner asked what I liked doing and I said reading and she asked what books I liked and I panicked and said the name of the only book I knew the title of in German. Yeah, that one.
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I wonder if the Virgin Mary was ever like, you can just call me Mary there's no need.
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Men who are after a quiet woman with an entirely hairless body who smiles all the time may be looking for a dolphin.
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I jusy overheard a small girl in the park saying to her friend āOne died and the other one moved to Japan, so I only have one enemy left.ā.
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so when they said we will have a āFestival of Brexitā, what they meant was a āRecessionā.
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This is why you probably shouldn't put up Ā£840-a-roll gold wallpaper in a rental property.
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Those poor Marie Kondo followers stuck in their empty houses.
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Men if you want to know what to say on a date to make someone fall in love with you please watch the Andrew Garfield date with Amelia Dimoldenberg and study the six seconds between 6.24 to 6.30. Not even kidding.
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Staying inside at night doesn't solve the problem. I was sat reading a book in a beautiful park on a sunny day and a stranger came over and put his hand up my dress. It is not our behaviour that should change.
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In 200 years people will be paying $600 to watch the musical version of this on Broadway.
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Uxbridge Road looking like an Edward Hopper painting.
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Iām sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because Iām a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
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For the record when the two male screenwriters adapted The Big Short they chose to cut Meredith Whitney from the story and have five male protagonists and Margot Robbie in a bath.
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Can we all just take a moment to appreciate the amount of shit Eeyore had to put up with.
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nb. I thoroughly recommend everyone follows their weird and wonderful interests right away.
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Saying Boris Johnson has a complicated relationship with the truth is like saying Hannibal Lecter has a complicated relationship with food.
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We should bring in a thing where to be an MP you first have to spend five years working in an NHS hospital, five years as a teacher in a state school and five years as a social worker.
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I live with a professional chef and now theyāre home I have at long last found out the secret: the reason that restaurant food tastes insanely good is because they add AN ENTIRE BUCKET of salt and HALF A COWāS WORTH of butter to every single thing.
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My friendās seven year old just asked what I do and when I said Iām writing a television show he asked if I could tell him what the story is and I said of course and he said can you tell me what the story is in two sentences and I was like WHO SENT YOU.
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I didn't know anyone in the film industry when I started and I wrote to Cannes film festival asking if I could come. Due to someone's administrative error I was given full accreditation and it changed my life. Anyway, the point is: don't worry if you make a mistake at work today.
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If Iām gonna pay for your nuclear submarines you can pay for my prestige period dramas.
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They won the best adapted screenplay Oscar, Bafta and WGA award so now when I write a film I switch the male roles to female and add Ryan Gosling in a jacuzzi.
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I went for breakfast with an actress and when our order arrived I had an outrageously high stack of blueberry pancakes with a vat of maple syrup and she had a green smoothie. And the moral of the story is always choose to work behind the camera.
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Dad I'm overdressed and why is no one else polar bears
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I spent half a year as an au pair for a glamorous Italian family and the mum would look at me over breakfast and say things like, "Helen, I really struggle with your eyebrows.".
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This reminds me of a perfect phone call I made in 2003 to a boy called Dave. He answered the phone and I said āHi Helen, itās Daveā and then had to hang up because I died of embarrassment.
I JUST GOT IMPEACHED FOR MAKING A PERFECT PHONE CALL!.
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Imagine if Instagram went down permanently and all the pretty people had to come on Twitter and try and be funny ahahaha god help us all.
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the problem is dating apps feel too much like writing dialogue and I expect payment.
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Hello. I am a person having a shower or a bath in a film. I never wash my body because I am too busy conveying my emotional state.
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The problem with writing period drama is that you pause to quickly check a historical detail on wikipedia and seven hours later you emerge with a phd in corset design and expertise in medieval sheep shearing but no work whatsoever.
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Or any childhood dream. (I may have bought pink suede rollerskates this Summerš).
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You may think Iām tweeting a lot today because Iām single, but itās actually because Iām drunk.
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I think I have annoyed Marie Kondo twitter. I fear I will be found carefully folded in three and rolled up.
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@Chewbaccasbeard whereas women can live off the guinea pigs their children have long since abandoned.
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*whispers* would love to see the screenwriter cut of most films.
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My friend asked a chef at a Michelin starred restaurant how realistic the Pixar film Ratatouille is and there was a long pause and then he said, well, it's about a rat that cooks.
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TO ALL TEENAGERS. A very pleasing fact. How popular you are at school has NO CORRELATION with how successful you will grow up to be.
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39% of being a British screenwriter is figuring out what the time is in Los Angeles.
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I thought Shakespearean monologues were unrealistic until my friends started leaving me seventeen minute voice notes.
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Thoughts and prayers to the tabloid journalists having to think up a way of making this photo fit their āmiserable and isolated Harry and Meghanā narrative š
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Imagine being a Shakespeare fan in 1606 and he's just dropped Othello, King Lear and Macbeth.
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The other problem with dating is that I find myself funnier than most men.
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Sometimes being a screenwriter is super glamorous but most times it's sitting alone googling what stuff looks like.
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Our intelligence services must hate screenwriters. For a single project this morning I have googled "how heavy are incendiary devices", "how long can terrorist suspects be detained for" and "can mice smell chocolate".
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I have quite a specific phobia, Iām not sure if it has a name but it is a fear of someone reading out loud a poem they have written and looking at me meaningfully in the pauses.
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Does anyone else get post Zoom fear? I click leave meeting, close zoom, close the tab, close the browser, close my laptop, throw it out the window, close the window, and STILL feel like the call hasn't ended.
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They call them migrants because if they called them men, women and children there is a risk of empathy.
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Writing good dialogue really is the hardest thing I sigh down the phone to my sister, who is an actual medical doctor during a global pandemic.
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Delighted to discover that affer three months of not buying brunch or coffees out I can afford a semi-detached Edwardian townhouse.
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You know who really isn't fit to be Prime Minister?. Our Prime Minister.
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Who is responsible for the militarisation of our luxury bathing products, why do we have to have a bath bomb?? When we could have a peaceful transfer of powder.
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I'm watching a show with a main character that is so much like me I feel like I'm watching myself. Anyway, just read the Guardian review of the show and they describe her as "a deliciously unlikable self-centred arsehole".
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Behind every great writer is a primary school English teacher who once gave their poem about Autumn a smiley face sticker.
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The British governmentās world-beating track and trace system.
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My pitch is this. imagine a woman. in her THIRTIES. Thatās the pitch.
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My friend told me that moving city doesnāt solve your problems but what if I move to Paris and they become problĆØmes.
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We have entered the time of year where there is no longer breakfast, lunch or dinner. Instead there is one continuous meal, that begins with a sneaky morning graze of the entire fridge and does not cease until the final regrettable slice of midnight cheese.
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I went to high five an eight-year-old student of mine for getting an award and he looked me dead in the eye and said āNo thank youā. I may never recover.
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Can Joe Biden also fix the thing where you write the date back to front.
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Pretty sure that if they let girls go to Eton our prime ministers would be less fucking weird.
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I like that the Church said "Thou shalt eat pancakes and then fast for forty days thinking about all the sinful things you've done" and all we heard was pancakes.
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First work meeting of the day, time to crack open the chianti and brie.
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The English countryside looked so beautiful this evening I suddenly understood all those 18th century men wandering around writing very long poems.
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My mum (who I live with) just told me (a writer) that writers are hard to live with.
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Hey I know this is wild but maybe we should like, get women, to write films, and make films, about womenā¦.
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Not sure why there is any speculation about what Prince Harry will do next given his origin story. A young boy forced to walk behind his motherās coffin in front of the press that chased her to death can only become a paparazzi hunting superhero, who brings down Rupert Murdoch.
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I wouldn't be working in this industry if it hadn't been for the behind the scenes featurettes that used to come on DVDS. So cool and generous that for no particular reason or extra cost they used to give us the film and show us how the film was made.
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Seth Rogan once liked one of my tweets and ever since I canāt tweet without thinking Seth Rogan may see this, what if I disappoint Seth Rogan.
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if you were wondering how many Mars ice creams you can eat before you don't feel good, the answer is four.
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why are men's pjamas insanely comfortable and designed for sleeping in and women's pyjamas designed for a victorian ghost river nymph. WE SLEEP THE SAME.
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I do not go to the cinema alone to romanticise my life. I go to the cinema alone because I much prefer films to people.
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When people ask what screenwriting is. this. is. screenwriting.
The way Jamie Foxx describes the opening scene of the Mike Tyson biopic got me wanting to see it immediately.
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Am I right in thinking you can meet three people from five different households, providing that it's a thursday afternoon and everyone is on pogo sticks?.
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A barge on the Thames that MPs could stay on when working in London would save millions of pounds in expenses and second homes.
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I love writers. I love their confidence and their crippling self doubt. I love their vulnerability and their stubborn strength. I love their constant fear and their constant courage. I love writers.
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I have to show you the Christmas cake as I just spent two hours individually placing tiny leaves and persuading the microscopic red berries not to roll off and have lost my goddam mind, a merry christmas to all
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Someone asked me if twitter has ruined our ability to interact in real life and I thought it was a good question so I poked them in the heart.
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My mum asked if this means Iāll move out.
EXCLUSIVE: William McGregor has come aboard to helm the movie āSmileā (working title) for Netflix and Matt Reevesā 6th and Idaho, a project which is described as a vampire story in the spirit of Nicolas Winding Refnās āDriveā
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The Bastard Son & The Devil Himself arrives on Netflix TODAY! I had so much fun writing on this very bloody and very brilliant show. Let me know if youāll be checking it out!!!! #thebastardson
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I have the best therapist. I told her about a massive crush I have on a famous person I have never met. After the session she looked him up on google and then messaged me saying āI get it nowā.
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I miss weddings. I cannot tell you how good I am at drinking prosecco and dancing with other people's relatives.
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Fact: Opinions stated like facts are still opinions.
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Signs that a show may have been written by a man:. - The female lawyer is a hottie in her early thirties.- The female detective is a hottie in her mid thirties.- Before she was dead, the dead woman was also a hottie.
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#WhenThisIsAllOver I am going to go to my place of worship (the cinema) and buy a bucket of popcorn and watch three films in a row on the biggest screen in town.
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Before Twitter did people have opinions and just. think them?.
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