Kevin The Dad
@kevinthedad
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Husband. Dad. Co-creator of 2 cool kids. I write fun stories about the shenanigans I experience as a parent!
Toronto, ON
Joined March 2020
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Pinned Tweet
It’s Canadian Thanksgiving and I wanted to say how thankful I am for your continued love and support.
I started on Twitter in 2020 and it quickly became a great place for me to share my funny parenting jokes and stories.
Thank you for sticking with me on this journey.
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Imagine you own a restaurant. A customer orders a meal and tells you it’s disgusting. They say this is the worst restaurant they’ve ever been to and you’re the worst chef in the world. This is what it’s like cooking for kids.
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Based on the feedback I’ve been given my biggest failing as a parent is that I’m “not mommy”
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My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
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My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
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8am: My kid isn’t feeling well today. I’d better keep him home from school.
9:30am: Well that was a miraculous recovery.
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My 7 month old likes avocado so I guess she’ll never own a home
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A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
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If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery then my wife will be so proud of our son for dropping the F-bomb at kindergarten today
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After successfully growing tomatoes this year, I asked my son what we should grow next year. He said he wants to grow pizza.
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My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
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You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
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my 4yo is crying because he’ll never get to see a real dinosaur. same, bud. same.
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My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
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Give a toddler a tissue, and they wipe their nose once. Teach a toddler to get their own tissue, and they’ll pull out enough tissues to last them a lifetime.
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My 4yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
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I’d love to see a cooking show where the chef attempts to cook an intricate dish while their toddler “helps” them
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My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
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my 4yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
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I took my 5yo to the grocery store and he begged me to buy him some green onion because apparently he “loves green onion” and when we got home he proved his point by eating a bowl of it
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My kid asked me for a burrito but “without all the yucky stuff inside” so I’m pretty sure he wants a tortilla
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I was humming songs to calm my newborn and realized I was humming Rage Against The Machine
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Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
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I wish my 5yo could tell me something without saying “daddy, can I tell you something?”
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9 out of 10 toddlers think whatever you’re making for dinner is gross
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my son was asked to do a talk at school about his family holiday traditions. he told us he spoke to the class about Hanukkah. we’re not Jewish though…
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My 5yo rarely gives me any details of what happens during his school day but when I asked what happened today he said his class went to China and I don’t believe I signed a permission slip for that
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I never expected that as an adult I’d have such strong opinions on the quality of paper towels
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You know how there’s always that one coworker who doesn’t stop talking and won’t let you get any work done? That’s basically what it’s like having a kid.
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if you like starting your day with a 1000 question pop quiz then parenting might be for you
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The scariest thing on Halloween is trying to put my kid to bed straight after letting them eat more candy than they’ve eaten in the last 6 months
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My wife was trying to tell our 5yo a story and 2 minutes into the story he interrupts to say “who are you even talking to?”
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If you like being woken up at 5am on weekends then parenting might be for you
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My son is angry at me because I made him a banana smoothie after he asked me for a banana smoothie
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My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
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I asked my 5yo what his favourite animals were when he went to the zoo today. He said he loved seeing the cheetahs, the giraffes and the dead gorilla. The gorilla was a statue.
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“Thank you for telling me not to do that. I will now go ahead and do that.”
- Toddlers
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After successfully growing tomatoes this year, I asked my son what we should grow next year. He said he wants to grow pizza.
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My wife just messaged me to say she saw raccoons fighting in a dumpster and that’s how I know she’s the one
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If you like being woken up at 5am and listening to the same song on repeat, then I highly recommend having kids
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When I went to pick up my 5yo from kindergarten today his teacher wanted to tell me something. At first I was worried but it turns out my son has been telling his classmates that I’m an astronaut. Not just any astronaut though. I’ve been to space three times!
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When my friends tell me that they slept in on the weekend I’ll be sure to tell them that I got woken up at 7am by my 5yo asking me to look at a balloon
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That awkward moment when your grocery delivery and pizza delivery arrive at the same time
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Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
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Nothing about parenting has prepared me for the moment my 5yo said his favourite song was Who Let The Dogs Out
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Today was a very special occasion for my 5yo. It was the first time he called his mommy Bro.
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When grandpa asked my 4yo what he wanted to be when he grew up, I was not expecting the answer to be “a cat”
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“Ice cream is good for you when you’re sick!”
- My 4yo who is clearly the doctor I’ve been looking for
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My 4yo went to his school library and borrowed two books. We already own both books.
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Kids will straight up lie to your face to get another snack
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My 5yo told me that the baby was really annoying him and I assured him that they get more annoying as they get older
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my wife let me sleep till 10am today so I look forward to her holding that against me for the next 40 years
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In my 20s: Listening to heavy metal
In my 30s: Listening to lullaby versions of heavy metal songs to get my baby to sleep
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I think school photo packages are secretly a math test for parents to discover if we're capable of figuring out the one that's the best value. I am confident I have failed this test. Again.
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My kid really doesn’t like being called a liar. Especially when he’s lying.
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My 5yo decided to tidy up his bedroom and then he tidied up my bedroom and then he started cleaning up his playroom and I’m not sure who this kid is anymore
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The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
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I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
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My 4yo is always wearing Spider-Man clothes but refuses to watch Spider-Man and this is my life as a parent
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If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
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I asked my 5yo how many cookies he wanted to eat and he said “all the numbers” so I think that means a lot
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Saying the word “snack” in the presence of a toddler is basically like saying the word “walk” in the presence of a dog. You better be prepared to deliver.
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At a kid’s party yesterday I quickly realised I’m not fit enough to be the fun dad
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My 5yo did a survey with his kindergarten class to find out whether his friends prefer lemons or pizza. 4 kids said they preferred lemons.
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Took my kid to the zoo and his favourite animals were the stuffed ones in the zoo store
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My wife opened the fridge door and said “why is there a Lego box in here?” The answer is kids. It’s always kids.
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My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
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My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
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You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
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Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
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Parenting is like a circus. Sometimes you’re the ringmaster. Most of the time you’re the clown.
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If you hear a kid at the playground who keeps yelling about butt cheeks, that’s my 5yo
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that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
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My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
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Since becoming a parent I’ve learned to accept that waking up at 7am is sleeping in
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My 4yo walked up to me and stabbed me with a fork. I didn’t realize we’d play using prison rules today.
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I made my 5yo mac and cheese. He told me it was the worst soup he’s ever had.
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My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
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Kids spend their lives wanting to be grown ups so they can do whatever they want and adults spend their lives wanting to be kids again so they can do whatever they want
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One day my 3 month old daughter will grow up and achieve great things, but today she’s just trying to eat my shoulder
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When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
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My 5yo threw something to his mom and said “if you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball” so I’m starting to think kindergarten is when dodgeball gets pretty serious
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Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
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my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
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my 4yo leaned over and said to me lovingly “I want to punch you daddy”
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My 4yo just saw an old woman walking past our house and yelled “HEY!! WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!”
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Me: Sometimes you like hugs right?
4: Yeah but sometimes I want to bite you.
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my son didn't know the name for a clothes hanger so I was pretty confused when he asked me for a pants hooker
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My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
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Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
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My wife and I celebrated our anniversary today by completely forgetting it
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My 5yo kept singing “disco brain, go insane, mango Spain” and whatever song that is I’m sure those aren’t the lyrics
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I’m just hoping my toddler goes to sleep before his 30th birthday
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My 5yo went to the toilet the other day, then walked out of the bathroom without flushing the toilet or washing his hands. When my wife asked why, he said didn’t need to go to the toilet anymore because he already peed on the couch.
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My 4yo is upstairs helping my wife and the tone of her voice suggests he’s not being very helpful
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Took my 5yo to a nice restaurant and he said the highlight was the ice cubes in his water
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