It’s Canadian Thanksgiving and I wanted to say how thankful I am for your continued love and support.
I started on Twitter in 2020 and it quickly became a great place for me to share my funny parenting jokes and stories.
Thank you for sticking with me on this journey.
Imagine you own a restaurant. A customer orders a meal and tells you it’s disgusting. They say this is the worst restaurant they’ve ever been to and you’re the worst chef in the world. This is what it’s like cooking for kids.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Give a toddler a tissue, and they wipe their nose once. Teach a toddler to get their own tissue, and they’ll pull out enough tissues to last them a lifetime.
I took my 5yo to the grocery store and he begged me to buy him some green onion because apparently he “loves green onion” and when we got home he proved his point by eating a bowl of it
My 5yo rarely gives me any details of what happens during his school day but when I asked what happened today he said his class went to China and I don’t believe I signed a permission slip for that
You know how there’s always that one coworker who doesn’t stop talking and won’t let you get any work done? That’s basically what it’s like having a kid.
I asked my 5yo what his favourite animals were when he went to the zoo today. He said he loved seeing the cheetahs, the giraffes and the dead gorilla. The gorilla was a statue.
When I went to pick up my 5yo from kindergarten today his teacher wanted to tell me something. At first I was worried but it turns out my son has been telling his classmates that I’m an astronaut. Not just any astronaut though. I’ve been to space three times!
When my friends tell me that they slept in on the weekend I’ll be sure to tell them that I got woken up at 7am by my 5yo asking me to look at a balloon
I think school photo packages are secretly a math test for parents to discover if we're capable of figuring out the one that's the best value. I am confident I have failed this test. Again.
My 5yo decided to tidy up his bedroom and then he tidied up my bedroom and then he started cleaning up his playroom and I’m not sure who this kid is anymore
Saying the word “snack” in the presence of a toddler is basically like saying the word “walk” in the presence of a dog. You better be prepared to deliver.
Kids spend their lives wanting to be grown ups so they can do whatever they want and adults spend their lives wanting to be kids again so they can do whatever they want
My 5yo threw something to his mom and said “if you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball” so I’m starting to think kindergarten is when dodgeball gets pretty serious
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
My 5yo went to the toilet the other day, then walked out of the bathroom without flushing the toilet or washing his hands. When my wife asked why, he said didn’t need to go to the toilet anymore because he already peed on the couch.