Keith Chegwin
@keithchegwin
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Entertainer/Presenter/Actor/Host I DO NOT HAVE AN AGENT Contact Me Direct: chegwin @mail .com Gags - All Old & A Few New
Shropshire UK
Joined March 2009
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Idea for a TV show. Chris Tarrant kidnapped by Fern Britton. Britton’s Got Tarrant
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Still not right. I will be back - But not for a bit yet. I’m so sorry
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Put Bell End into my Sat Nav - Ended up at Tony Blair's House
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If you say the word ‘gullible’ very, very slowly - It sounds like orange
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Wish me luck with the London Marathon. Did under 4 hours last year. Then turned over & watched something else
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My sincere best wishes to Ant
@antanddec
I know just how hard it can be. Be proud - you’re a very brave & honest man. Good luck x
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At home with family. Loving it. Been out walking. Also 'sat on the fence' for a bit! Again huge THANKS for ALL the support
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60th today - 50 of those years in showbizz and I’m grateful. Thanks 4 being there.
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Caroline Aherne lit up world with her comedy. Was on Mrs Merton. Even tho she was taking the mickey out of me. I never laughed so much RIP X
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If you’re here for yodeling lessons please form an Orderly, Orderly, Orderly Queue
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Dad, who’s a road worker, has been stealing from his job. Didn’t believe him but when I got home all the signs were there (sorry)
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Taking up scuba diving - I’m using a Walkers crisp bag - which has enough air in it to last for three hours
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When one door closes another opens. I bloody hate this IKEA wardrobe
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George Michael. I can’t believe it. Worked with him so many times. I’ll miss that man. RIP x
#georgemichael
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My mates mixed up my sleeping pills with his Viagra - Ended up having forty wanks (naughty - sorry)
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Been quiet as I been moving house. A Good Morning from my new home in Shropshire !!!
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Happy New Year Twitter. Have a cracking 2017. Thanks for following me - I truly appreciate it. XXX
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Was beaten up by Doris, Darren and Robin - I didn't know what Day it was
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Gentlemen: Examine your prostate by wiping your bottom with Tesco value toilet paper
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Idea for a TV show. Chris Tarrant kidnapped by Fern Britton. Britton's Got Tarrant
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So sad. A great entertainer and all round nice man Keith Harris has passed away. Best wishes to his family at this sad time. RIP x
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Wife said if u get a tattoo make sure u have it done in a place that doesn't matter. I’m off to Norwich
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My dogs swallowed some coins - I’m keeping any eye on him - No change yet
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Just replaced the water in my fish tank with Lilt. Looks really tropical now
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Mates in hospital - Got hoover stuck up his arse -Doctor says he’s picking up nicely
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Burglar robbed the Celebrity Big Brother House last night. Apart from Biggins - Victims are yet to be identified
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Father’s day in Essex - where cards are sold in packs of five
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We have lost a lovely, kind and MAGIC man
@thepauldaniels
Love you & thinking of u
@thedebbiemcgee
. I shall miss him ‘A LOT’ xx
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God Bless Gorden Kaye. I remember knocking on your door for The Big Breakfast. You were and will always be a gentleman. RIP XX
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Doing London Marathon on today. Did under 4 hours last year. Then turned over & watched something else
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Gonna have a Brexit themed Sunday lunch this weekend - No Brussels
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God Bless the daredevil and a lovely man John Noakes. Miss Ya Tons
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100 crates of Red Bull stolen. I don't know how these burglars sleep at night
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Was picking up dog poo in the park this morning & thought to myself - I really should get a dog
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As a kid my mum used to tuck me in - she really wanted a daughter
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Nicola Sturgeon…….Alex Salmond - I think there’s something fishy going on there
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Apologies for not tweeting. Back as soon as Xxx promise
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How odd - Cambridge University Netball Team will not be abbreviating their name
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Ed Miliband, Nigel Farage & Nick Clegg - All resigned. This summers Celebrity Big Brother could be a real winner
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Mrs left me because of my Beatles obsession. Yesterday
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Iceland play in blue because of their ice cool climate - England will now play in dark brown cos we’re shit
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Erectile dysfunction on the increase. If you suffer; Please add a white flag with a red cross to your van or car
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Brekkie thanks to our neighbour Danny. Goose eggs are bloody huge!!
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My Mrs said I never buy her flowers - I never knew she sold them
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Bought a liquorice plant for my garden - I’m growing All Sorts this year (SORRRRY!!)
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Was concerned garage was gonna rip me off but it’s OK - I only need indicator fluid
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My wife has run off with another bloke to Vienna - It means nothing to me
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So grateful to the ladies of
@macmillancancer
& the team on Ward 3D Whiston Hospital 4 caring 4 my Mum. We will all miss her very much
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Bought a lamp stand from IKEA. Was asked, ‘If I was putting it up myself’ I said "No, I'm putting it in my lounge’
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If binge drinking destroys ur memory - what does binge drinking do
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Put bet on 3 horses - Sunshine, Moonlight & Good Times, Not one winner - I blame it on the bookie
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Can’t believe the news. Rick Parfitt was such a lovely man. A true gentleman & one our great performers. Will miss him. God bless you
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Just want to say 2 all of those who didn't do well in their exams yesterday - I don't want salt on my fries
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Please forgive me. Being v selfish. Enjoying my time out of CBB with my family. Eating, sleeping & NO cleaning. Hope ur good x
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Mrs had panties stolen off the line. U can keep the knickers but can we have the 40 pegs back
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Mixing cannabis with cod liver oil is bad for your joints
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I asked my prison mate how long are you in for. He said - Until I come (Very naughty - sorry)
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God Bless Mr Andrew Sachs. Worked with you in a movie as a kid. You were a great actor and a gentleman. RIP
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Police looking for a man who stabbed 6 people with knitting needles. He seems to be following some sort of pattern
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You’ll Never Walk Alone. Justice Done. Proud of Liverpool. The 96 they NEVER forgot
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The soppy looks I get. How can I not let these 2 sleep on the bed.
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70% of Celebrity Big Brother contestants are 18 to 28 - The others have a slightly higher IQ
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Mrs has run off with the milkman. Seeing them drive away on his milk float was the worst 2 hours of my life
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Got no probs with genetically modified food - Just had a lovely leg of salmon
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Went 2 Curry’s for a Dictaphone. They gave me George Osborne’s phone number
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Just used the self-checkout @ Tesco and was made employee of the month
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Getting a tattoo of a Dragon on my arm. Dunno whether 2 have Peter Jones or Deborah Meaden
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Mrs not happy. Replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the roof
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I'm so shocked. A heinous, wicked, cruel attack. Watching TV. People of Manchester are unbelievably strong. This madness has to stop
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On ladder putting cinema poster up. Lady said ‘Is King Kong Coming’ I said ‘No it’s just the paste off me brush’ (sorrrry)
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Used up all my sick days - so today I'm calling in dead
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Bought a pair of Nike's off a drug dealer - Been tripping all day
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Gonna try the sexual position they call the plumber. You stay in for hours and nobody comes
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Capital letters. The difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse & helping your uncle jack off a horse
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BBC angry at C4 nicking Bake off - So they’ve nicked Wife Swap & How Clean is ur House. Gonna rename it; How Dirty Is Ur Wife Wanna Swap?
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Recipe said put the casserole in 180 degrees - Now it's all over the bottom of the bloody oven
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Put bet on 3 horses - Sunshine, Moonlight & Good Times, Not one winner - I blame it on the bookie
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WARNING THIS MOVIE WILL HURT UR RIBS.
@rickygervais
Brilliant. Funniest movie I’ve seen in years.
#BrentsBack
David Brent
#LifeOnTheRoad
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Got no probs with genetically modified food - I’ve just had a lovely leg of salmon
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Opened a pressie from my uncle. A box of rice. Thanks Uncle Ben
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First thing this morning there was a tap on my door. My plumber has a funny sense of humour
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Son came home with a settee & two chairs. I've told him not 2 accept suites from strangers
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This man continues 2 humiliate me. Again,
@piersmorgan
Please Stop. Let me earn an honest living
No, but if I did, you'd be on the same level as Keith Chegwin.
Possibly lower.
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THANKS 2 all who came 2 Mums funeral. A very sad day but a GREAT send off. Thanks 2 ALL of you on Twitter for ur support XX
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Put bet on 3 horses - Sunshine, Moonlight & Good Times, Not one winner - I blame it on the bookie
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I used to go to the circus to see the fat tattooed lady - now they’re everywhere
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Went shopping with the Mrs - she said 'You're so lazy' - I was so angry I nearly fell out the trolley
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Mrs got a ladder in her tights. Her shoplifting’s getting better
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Walked into HMV the manager said, ‘Good morning’ I said ‘You to’ He said, ‘Second aisle on the left
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Bloke knocked on my door with a moustache. If he'd used his knuckles I might have heard him (sorry)
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Saw man in graveyard crouching behind gravestone. ‘Morning’ I said - ‘No’ he said - just having a poo’
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Called Sea World - Said my call was being recording for training porpoises
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Mrs wanted to try sadism in the bedroom. I said no but she twisted my arm
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Poor Cameron. This is NOT my day either. A day after winning the Nigerian lottery someone's robbed my bank account
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2 fat blokes in a pub, one says ‘You’re round’ Other says ‘So are you, you fat bastard’
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