keely flaherty
@keelyflaherty
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fan account for the 1996 movie twister
Los Angeles, CA
Joined January 2011
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Last Seen Profiles
the most realistic part of the parent trap is that annie/hallie’s dad has absolutely no idea that his daughters have switched places, but within 48 hours hallie’s nanny/surrogate mother is like “you didn’t eat your chili, who are you little stranger”
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2007: i'm drunk, gonna call my ex
2017: i'm drunk, gonna call my senator
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too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
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find someone who looks at you the way literally everyone looks at meryl streep
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friend: how are things?
me: things are good!
narrator: things were not good
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girls only want one thing and that’s for brendan fraser to be happy
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melissa mccarthy did not play sean spicer
SHE BECAME SEAN SPICER
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hey sorry i overreacted, i always do that whenever anything happens
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accidentally signed off an important email with "all the vest"
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leonardo dicaprio, and the ghosts of all the oscars he never won
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i’m not crying because i’m sad, i’m crying because i waited too long to eat and now i have lost my entire mind
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me: *zones out for 60 min of important work meeting*
me: eh
me: *zones out for 6 seconds of a TV show*
me: reTHEFUCKwind
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tis the season to fantasize about living in kate winslet’s cottage in the holiday
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me at hotel: *pushing all the continental breakfast tables together*
hotel security: miss why are you-
me: PANGEA BREAKFAST
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here is anderson cooper rolling his eyes at kellyanne conway
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me tomorrow morning on one hour of sleep explaining to my coworkers that MAROON is a darker & more mature shade of RED which as everyone knows is a key color in taylor swift’s discography & especially in some of her most personal songs so this is a reflection of her growth–
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me at the beginning of 2016 vs me at the end of 2016
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“practice social distancing”
-clinical, cold
-boring, lawful
-vague, confusing
“stay away, we mustn’t”
-weird, hot
-easy to understand, draws a clear boundary
-big medieval courtly love energy
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election COVID
news vaccination
news
🤝
where is
the needle
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people keep saying “outside”
someone link me, can’t find that one
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my body: WHAT DO WE WANT?
my brain: SLEEP!
my body: WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
my brain: AT EITHER 2PM OR 3AM
my body: hey wait—
my brain: LITERALLY NO OTHER TIME
my body: no that’s not—
my brain: WE ARE UNWILLING TO COMPROMISE
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what are two characters you’d wanna put in a room together just to see what happens
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there are two weeks every year that can be described as “little bear weather”
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i will never forget the time a guy asked me for my number @ a party & when i didn’t give it to him he got it from my friend & left me a voicemail saying if i didn’t call him back i was “gonna screw a good thing up.” 2 weeks later i saw him selling pickles @ the renaissance faire
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love it when the MSNBC hosts are like “now to steve kornacki who literally everyone wants to date” and steve kornacki does not react at all he just diligently turns back to the Big Board and launches into stats
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hey so sorry i haven’t responded to your text from april i have been screaming for three months
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i am only ever two types of drunk:
1) haha this is fun
2) now you SHUT UP and LISTEN, pop culture as we know it EXISTS because of buffy the vampire slayer
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find someone who looks at you the way i look at other peoples' pancakes in restaurants
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i want to be loved but honestly i should probably be studied
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actual real footage of hillary and trump voting tomorrow
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not to trivialize the survival of democracy etc, but steve kornacki the korsnacki is korbacki
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facebook: look at my baby
instagram: look at my eyeliner
twitter: look at my steadily shrinking will to live
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when i get anxious about one thing and then suddenly all my other anxieties just
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yes mamma mia is a fun & fluffy musical BUT ALSO the movies have grossed ~800M globally and it’s a story about:
-a working single mother
-sex positivity
-the importance & longevity of female friendships
-dismantling the pressure placed on people (esp women) to get married...
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the live-action beauty & the beast movie we deserved
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*uses "lol" as a tool to emotionally distance self from others*
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i cut open my gender reveal cake, it is green. all of my guests rip off their fake human faces & we rejoice in our native lizard people tongue
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facebook: i bought a house and had 15 babies
instagram: trust your path life is beautiful have a smoothie
twitter: fucking stab me and then vote
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my brain 8am-11pm: too tired to think
my brain 11:01pm-4am: how do lobsters breathe
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8am: i'm so tired
10am: i'm so tired
1pm: i'm so tired
4pm: i'm so tired
8pm: i'm so tired
11pm: i'm so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN'T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
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when “this kiss” starts playing in practical magic i could run through a brick wall
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i'm a:
🔘bitch
🔘lover
🔘child
🔘mother
🔘sinner
🔘saint
⚪️ashamed
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my brain experiencing one (1) crumb of serotonin after the last four years
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fun party hack for pale girls: stand up against a white wall, close your eyes, stay very still, wait for the party to end
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it concerns me that i don't have enough time to sit down, watch, & tweet my feelings on SNL every week but the future president somehow does
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wow didn't know i needed a kristen bell/david harbour buddy comedy until right now
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🎶 don't be fooled by the rocks that i got
i'm still
i'm still
clinically depressed 🎶
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my date said “there are a lot of croutons in this salad” & i shouted “would you say there’s a crouTON of them” & he just kept chewing
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me arriving in the afterlife: is this heaven or hell?
angel: *holds out a green skittle*
me: *eats it* UGH APPLE
angel: welcome 2 hell
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me: capitalism is a curse
also me: i need the barbie playstation & the barbie movie cup & the barbie popcorn tub & the ombré pink barbie ruggable rug & the pinkberry barbie dish & the WHOLE ASS BARBIE MALIBU DREAM HOUSE
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we did it girls
girls only want one thing and that’s for brendan fraser to be happy
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stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went "ooooo" in a chorus of dismay
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being around people? horrible, stressful. not being around people? also horrible, also stressful
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me: please chill
brain: did you just tell me-
me: no i’m sorry wait
brain: TO CHILL?
me: oh god
brain: BUCKLE UP MOTHERFU
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2018 mood: the love and respect oprah inspires in other women
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you can tell everything you need to know about a person by whether they think “GG” stands for “gilmore girls” or “gossip girl”
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found my high school nemesis on instagram and guess who’s laughing now? neither of us, we both seem equally miserable and concerned for the country
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the best part of a relationship is the very beginning when you haven't met yet and are single
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me: why can't i sleep
science: turn ur phone off
science: drink less coffee
science: go to bed before 2am
me: guess i'll never know
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me: i'll get out of bed
depression: hey girl
me: ok i'll go back to sleep
anxiety: hey girl
me: you guys
depression & anxiety: heyyy girl
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some of you weren’t sexually awakened by the way maureen sang “oh honeybear are you still mymymy BAYbeee” on the 1996 two-disc original broadway cast recording of rent & it shows
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sex is ok but have you ever cancelled plans because THAT feels great
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me flirting: here’s why what you just said is problematic and feeds systemic misogyny
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don't👏say👏you👏love👏him👏unless👏you'll👏pose👏as👏a👏bounty👏hunter👏and👏threaten👏jabba👏the👏hutt👏with👏a👏thermal👏detonator👏to👏save👏him👏
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inspired by the LAST JEDI remake, i have made a kickstarter to fund a $300M remake of the 1996 movie TWISTER, but this time, the tornado wins (1/876)
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this weekend i ate at buca di beppo & today i was like “hmm wonder what buca di beppo means” & reader, now i know
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there are no rules anymore fuck it i'm buying one of those tshirts with three wolves all howling at the moon
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me flirting: so here’s why what you just said was grammatically incorrect
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me: i wanna live in the 1800s & learn to play piano & take long walks & handwrite letters
also me: THE WIFI IS OUT JUST FUCKING KILL ME
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my job, my
relationships, taylor swift
my many releasing a
responsibilities new album
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