Kaylin Mahoney
@kaylinmahoney
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happy 4th!!! ha Ha i can barely hear this party music over all my laughter and friends, bottoms up!
http://t.co/iy5mcdDFTv
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ooOoO my date smells soooOOoo good!!! and he's all warmm and handsomee and covered in sesame seeds it's a bagel my date is a bagel
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was her intention to be an agreeable vanilla johnson mildmild white n smiley echo chamber of dance jams this sucks
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"fake it till you make it" is good enough advice, but i prefer "just quit and eat some corn like you always do, you worthless sack of shit"
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hmMm disappointed gaga chose to use this *~nat'l platform~* to do nothin more than blast fireworks up our assholes in this Political Climate
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self-deprecation can be funny & relatable, until ur diagnosed w/something. then it becomes a warning sign mom "maybe should've picked up on"
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sometimes i think to myself, "hey shitdick, why dont u stop melting cheese onto things and actually finish something youve started" but then
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I'm not antisocial, this is only the third time this year i've gone outside to hide from a party in my car
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got bored on facebook, so i opened up a new tab and without thinking, typed in "facebook". and then i poured the hemlock.
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Sure, changing into pjs every night can be easy, but its not any easier than falling asleep in my jeans on the floor with pizza in my mouth
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Xmas party insider tip: when moms start exchanging their dieting secrets, hand me a glass of mercury and it'll all be okay
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not at all irritating that my cat finds the keyboard of my computer to be so comfOrtabble884hf9c84n3nv0s000099vfdvvvvvvvvvvvvvcvv
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Its not really xmas eve until youve cried alone in ur childhood bedroom while your mother sings out of tune carols to her 1000 piece puzzle
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Checked my calendar to find the next 20 weeks free, so I entered "Christmas!" in on December 25th. Can't wait!
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SOMEONE BROUGHT CHOCO CHIP COOKIES TO WORK THIS MORNING AND NOBODY TOLD ME AND NOW THEY'RE ALL GONE DEATH WOULD TASTE SWEETER THAN THIS HELL
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i have a theory that if buzzfeed goes a day without publishing a "90's" themed list, life will go on
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my mother just recommended i add to my job application: "English is not my first language, I had no first language. Like the Jungle Book."
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THE SOLUTION JUST SEEMS SO SIMPLE, CLOSE THE DOOR, OR GIVE HER A SLEEPING PILL
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HA HA MY COWORKER'S DAUGHTER IS IN THE OFFICE TODAY AND HAS BEEN SINGING "TWINKLE TWINKLE LIL STAR" FOR THE PAST 40 MINUTES HA HA IM NO FOOL
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truth is i just retake buzzfeed quizzes until i get the answer i want because i am obviously NOT a surgeon i don't even like Grey's Anatomy
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the only time i ever clear my desktop of cluttered files and screenshots is when I change the background to a new image of Leonardo DiCaprio
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there are more picnic baskets in skymall than the total number of showers i've taken in november come on guys
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i imagine Hell as being forced to listen to "on hold" music in an elevator filled w/strangers who occasionally offer me gum for all eternity
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My mother just said, "It's no Morongo" when referring to a sub-par casino.
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I googled "major life events" to spur scene ideas and Yahoo! Answers gave me this list! So fun!
http://t.co/BNpbSVRyVf
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w/o a DOUBT my
#1
pet peeve is when people spell my name wrong, which blows, considering i know 0 kaylins and 578 kaitlins and nobody reads
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this is the third time my grandmother has sent me an email with the entirety of her text in the subject line.
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Ppl who live in glass hosues shouldnt throw stones. They also shouldnt spend hrs naked before a mirror, psyching themselves up for sex later
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ensure a full night's rest by turning off all blue-toned lights, using lavender pillow spray, and dry swallowing 12 ambien yea that'll do it
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there are 3 types of jokes in this world: knock knocks, yo mama, and my self esteem THANK YOU LADIES AND GENTLEMEN I'LL BE HERE ALL WEEK
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looking to marry any of the following: jon hamm's five o'clock shadow, any ghostbuster, and charlie day's yelling voice
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algebra pop quiz: jane went to the bar 13 times last month. she buys 3 shots every time she goes. is jane on speaking terms with her father?
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Thought I was invincible until I decided to eat steak in bed without napkins
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Caught myself instagramming a month-old picture of my injured hand while sitting on the toilet, just as God intended
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insult people by complimenting them instead, like calling ur irrationally angry brother "spontaneous" and that cop who ticketed u "earnest"
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i HAVE to remember to wear more armpit layers during interviews bc these pit stains are most certainly distracting from my humblebrags
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are you really "single" if you're "alone" "most of the time"??
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nothin like your mother's good friend Maya From Work emailing you "ten rape prevention tips" on valentines day
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just purchased the 28 hour and 44 minute "Iliad and Odyssey Combo" audiobook. My lack-of-effort-in-college guilt is kicking in.
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the best piece of advise i've heard in a while, "Don’t lose your sense of humour or your edge. Keep being just a little bit of an asshole"
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FUUUUUCK I CLOSED THE WRONG BROWSER. NOW I HAVE TO RE-LOAD THE BACHELOR, I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER WHICH MINUTE I WAS ON. NO.
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Dressing up today for National Apple Pie Day! Wearing the red flannel instead of the green! Red, for apples! Wait
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A war has begun btw me and the pen that exploded in my bag. It stained all of my dollars, and I lit it on fire and ran it over with my car.
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I GOT MY FIRST PARKING TICKET AND REALIZED THAT THIS WAS THE 1ST OF MANY NEGATIVE LANDMARKS IN LIFE WHERE DO I SIGN UP FOR A PREGNANCY SCARE
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found myself singing "muffin top" while tweezing my face this is a cry for help tina fey look what you've done
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@regajha
i agree. i dread the day i'm not reminded of eating Oreo O's after making my Polly Pockets dance to the sounds of Smash Mouth.
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Mickey's dick is too far down my throat for me to object to obscene price increases where do i buy tickets and can you digest cartoon jizz!?
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before we get started, let me just begin by saying that this tweet is garbage
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i thought about using a coaster, but then i remembered
#YOLO
, so I just catapulted my drink across the room.
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spent the morning getting emotional while watching auditions for X Factor and America's Got Talent
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"tom daley hot" is redundant. skeptical? google that phrase, then "tom daley", i guarantee u'll receive nearly identical results. also, help
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Not rly sure what i was thinking showing up to a christmas party w/strangers in a money-patterned sweatsuit but i guess this is who i am now
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but why did i OPEN a can of coke at 1 AM i am my own worst enemy
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