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Kaylin Mahoney Profile
Kaylin Mahoney

@kaylinmahoney

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2,005
Following
227
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3
Statuses
96

sneezy hag

la, babby
Joined August 2010
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@kaylinmahoney
Kaylin Mahoney
7 years
cool
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@kaylinmahoney
Kaylin Mahoney
9 years
happy 4th!!! ha Ha i can barely hear this party music over all my laughter and friends, bottoms up! http://t.co/iy5mcdDFTv
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@kaylinmahoney
Kaylin Mahoney
10 years
ooOoO my date smells soooOOoo good!!! and he's all warmm and handsomee and covered in sesame seeds it's a bagel my date is a bagel
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@kaylinmahoney
Kaylin Mahoney
8 years
was her intention to be an agreeable vanilla johnson mildmild white n smiley echo chamber of dance jams this sucks
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@kaylinmahoney
Kaylin Mahoney
10 years
"fake it till you make it" is good enough advice, but i prefer "just quit and eat some corn like you always do, you worthless sack of shit"
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@kaylinmahoney
Kaylin Mahoney
8 years
hmMm disappointed gaga chose to use this *~nat'l platform~* to do nothin more than blast fireworks up our assholes in this Political Climate
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@kaylinmahoney
Kaylin Mahoney
10 years
self-deprecation can be funny & relatable, until ur diagnosed w/something. then it becomes a warning sign mom "maybe should've picked up on"
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@kaylinmahoney
Kaylin Mahoney
10 years
sometimes i think to myself, "hey shitdick, why dont u stop melting cheese onto things and actually finish something youve started" but then
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@kaylinmahoney
Kaylin Mahoney
11 years
I'm not antisocial, this is only the third time this year i've gone outside to hide from a party in my car
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@kaylinmahoney
Kaylin Mahoney
11 years
got bored on facebook, so i opened up a new tab and without thinking, typed in "facebook". and then i poured the hemlock.
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@kaylinmahoney
Kaylin Mahoney
10 years
Sure, changing into pjs every night can be easy, but its not any easier than falling asleep in my jeans on the floor with pizza in my mouth
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@kaylinmahoney
Kaylin Mahoney
11 years
Xmas party insider tip: when moms start exchanging their dieting secrets, hand me a glass of mercury and it'll all be okay
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@kaylinmahoney
Kaylin Mahoney
10 years
not at all irritating that my cat finds the keyboard of my computer to be so comfOrtabble884hf9c84n3nv0s000099vfdvvvvvvvvvvvvvcvv
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@kaylinmahoney
Kaylin Mahoney
11 years
Its not really xmas eve until youve cried alone in ur childhood bedroom while your mother sings out of tune carols to her 1000 piece puzzle
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@kaylinmahoney
Kaylin Mahoney
11 years
Checked my calendar to find the next 20 weeks free, so I entered "Christmas!" in on December 25th. Can't wait!
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@kaylinmahoney
Kaylin Mahoney
10 years
SOMEONE BROUGHT CHOCO CHIP COOKIES TO WORK THIS MORNING AND NOBODY TOLD ME AND NOW THEY'RE ALL GONE DEATH WOULD TASTE SWEETER THAN THIS HELL
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@kaylinmahoney
Kaylin Mahoney
11 years
i have a theory that if buzzfeed goes a day without publishing a "90's" themed list, life will go on
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@kaylinmahoney
Kaylin Mahoney
11 years
my mother just recommended i add to my job application: "English is not my first language, I had no first language. Like the Jungle Book."
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@kaylinmahoney
Kaylin Mahoney
10 years
THE SOLUTION JUST SEEMS SO SIMPLE, CLOSE THE DOOR, OR GIVE HER A SLEEPING PILL
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@kaylinmahoney
Kaylin Mahoney
10 years
HA HA MY COWORKER'S DAUGHTER IS IN THE OFFICE TODAY AND HAS BEEN SINGING "TWINKLE TWINKLE LIL STAR" FOR THE PAST 40 MINUTES HA HA IM NO FOOL
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@kaylinmahoney
Kaylin Mahoney
11 years
truth is i just retake buzzfeed quizzes until i get the answer i want because i am obviously NOT a surgeon i don't even like Grey's Anatomy
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@kaylinmahoney
Kaylin Mahoney
11 years
the only time i ever clear my desktop of cluttered files and screenshots is when I change the background to a new image of Leonardo DiCaprio
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@kaylinmahoney
Kaylin Mahoney
11 years
there are more picnic baskets in skymall than the total number of showers i've taken in november come on guys
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@kaylinmahoney
Kaylin Mahoney
11 years
i imagine Hell as being forced to listen to "on hold" music in an elevator filled w/strangers who occasionally offer me gum for all eternity
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@kaylinmahoney
Kaylin Mahoney
10 years
My mother just said, "It's no Morongo" when referring to a sub-par casino.
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@kaylinmahoney
Kaylin Mahoney
10 years
I googled "major life events" to spur scene ideas and Yahoo! Answers gave me this list! So fun! http://t.co/BNpbSVRyVf
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@kaylinmahoney
Kaylin Mahoney
10 years
w/o a DOUBT my #1 pet peeve is when people spell my name wrong, which blows, considering i know 0 kaylins and 578 kaitlins and nobody reads
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@kaylinmahoney
Kaylin Mahoney
11 years
this is the third time my grandmother has sent me an email with the entirety of her text in the subject line.
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@kaylinmahoney
Kaylin Mahoney
11 years
Ppl who live in glass hosues shouldnt throw stones. They also shouldnt spend hrs naked before a mirror, psyching themselves up for sex later
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@kaylinmahoney
Kaylin Mahoney
11 years
ensure a full night's rest by turning off all blue-toned lights, using lavender pillow spray, and dry swallowing 12 ambien yea that'll do it
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@kaylinmahoney
Kaylin Mahoney
10 years
there are 3 types of jokes in this world: knock knocks, yo mama, and my self esteem THANK YOU LADIES AND GENTLEMEN I'LL BE HERE ALL WEEK
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@kaylinmahoney
Kaylin Mahoney
11 years
looking to marry any of the following: jon hamm's five o'clock shadow, any ghostbuster, and charlie day's yelling voice
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@kaylinmahoney
Kaylin Mahoney
11 years
algebra pop quiz: jane went to the bar 13 times last month. she buys 3 shots every time she goes. is jane on speaking terms with her father?
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@kaylinmahoney
Kaylin Mahoney
10 years
Thought I was invincible until I decided to eat steak in bed without napkins
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@kaylinmahoney
Kaylin Mahoney
10 years
Caught myself instagramming a month-old picture of my injured hand while sitting on the toilet, just as God intended
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@kaylinmahoney
Kaylin Mahoney
11 years
insult people by complimenting them instead, like calling ur irrationally angry brother "spontaneous" and that cop who ticketed u "earnest"
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@kaylinmahoney
Kaylin Mahoney
11 years
i HAVE to remember to wear more armpit layers during interviews bc these pit stains are most certainly distracting from my humblebrags
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@kaylinmahoney
Kaylin Mahoney
10 years
are you really "single" if you're "alone" "most of the time"??
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@kaylinmahoney
Kaylin Mahoney
10 years
nothin like your mother's good friend Maya From Work emailing you "ten rape prevention tips" on valentines day
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@kaylinmahoney
Kaylin Mahoney
11 years
just purchased the 28 hour and 44 minute "Iliad and Odyssey Combo" audiobook. My lack-of-effort-in-college guilt is kicking in.
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@kaylinmahoney
Kaylin Mahoney
12 years
the best piece of advise i've heard in a while, "Don’t lose your sense of humour or your edge. Keep being just a little bit of an asshole"
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@kaylinmahoney
Kaylin Mahoney
10 years
FUUUUUCK I CLOSED THE WRONG BROWSER. NOW I HAVE TO RE-LOAD THE BACHELOR, I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER WHICH MINUTE I WAS ON. NO.
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@kaylinmahoney
Kaylin Mahoney
10 years
Dressing up today for National Apple Pie Day! Wearing the red flannel instead of the green! Red, for apples! Wait
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@kaylinmahoney
Kaylin Mahoney
11 years
A war has begun btw me and the pen that exploded in my bag. It stained all of my dollars, and I lit it on fire and ran it over with my car.
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@kaylinmahoney
Kaylin Mahoney
11 years
I GOT MY FIRST PARKING TICKET AND REALIZED THAT THIS WAS THE 1ST OF MANY NEGATIVE LANDMARKS IN LIFE WHERE DO I SIGN UP FOR A PREGNANCY SCARE
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@kaylinmahoney
Kaylin Mahoney
11 years
found myself singing "muffin top" while tweezing my face this is a cry for help tina fey look what you've done
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@kaylinmahoney
Kaylin Mahoney
11 years
@regajha i agree. i dread the day i'm not reminded of eating Oreo O's after making my Polly Pockets dance to the sounds of Smash Mouth.
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@kaylinmahoney
Kaylin Mahoney
10 years
Mickey's dick is too far down my throat for me to object to obscene price increases where do i buy tickets and can you digest cartoon jizz!?
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@kaylinmahoney
Kaylin Mahoney
10 years
before we get started, let me just begin by saying that this tweet is garbage
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@kaylinmahoney
Kaylin Mahoney
11 years
Achilles is to heel, as I am to vending machine
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@kaylinmahoney
Kaylin Mahoney
12 years
i thought about using a coaster, but then i remembered #YOLO , so I just catapulted my drink across the room.
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@kaylinmahoney
Kaylin Mahoney
10 years
spent the morning getting emotional while watching auditions for X Factor and America's Got Talent
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@kaylinmahoney
Kaylin Mahoney
11 years
"tom daley hot" is redundant. skeptical? google that phrase, then "tom daley", i guarantee u'll receive nearly identical results. also, help
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@kaylinmahoney
Kaylin Mahoney
11 years
Not rly sure what i was thinking showing up to a christmas party w/strangers in a money-patterned sweatsuit but i guess this is who i am now
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@kaylinmahoney
Kaylin Mahoney
11 years
but why did i OPEN a can of coke at 1 AM i am my own worst enemy
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