J.P. McDade
@jp_mcdade
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Following
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Comedian. Debut special “JP McDade: In Brooklyn” on YouTube now.
New York, NY
Joined March 2009
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“Hey is it cool if I bring a random extra guy to lunch who will absolutely obliterate the vibe?”
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A video game NPC after they're finished talking to you.
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Sweating as a grizzly bear stands behind me tapping his foot.
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Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
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You think you could live in Canada, but then you find out they call Kermit the Frog "Green Dennis" or something and the deal is off.
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Shame on you if you’re still using Spotify. If you want to listen to a song you buy the sheet music, get your boys together, and sing it a capella.
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Getting ready for the trick-or-treaters and I’m worried I won’t have enough Fentanyl for everyone.
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If college basketball is this good, imagine how good grad school basketball must be.
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Wordle is great because it satisfies Twitter people's urge to post "I took AP English" every single day.
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She never compromises,
loves babies and surprises
wears high heels when she exercises,
ain't it beautiful...
http://t.co/n11nLXFzQA
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If you're not voting for Bernie, you love your boss. You think about kissing your boss and you like to draw little pictures of your boss.
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Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they're into sports.
*meets someone who's really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
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People who were awful kids say "school never interested me," like the rest of us were fired up about the Louisiana purchase.
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The Smithsonian is going to have Trump’s blood splattered speech notes and they’re gonna be like
BIDEN CHINESE
FEWER CHIPS IN THE BAG NOW
LOVE CIRQUE DU SOLAY
KEVIN SORBO IS MY FRIEND
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In light of America’s 2,188th mass shooting since Sandy Hook, we must remember that the biggest threat facing this nation is Antifa. They have thrown milkshakes at upwards of two (2) people.
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I’m having a horrible time finding a job and my student loan payments return in a couple of months and I have to find a new apartment at the end of the year, but at least the prices of all the things I buy are increasing.
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You could say I’m a real gym rat (I crawl around on the floor, people recoil at the sight of me, I’m the reason my local YMCA got shut down)
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The author of this piece thinks I’m some dumb hick. She said that to me at a dinner.
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Truly amazing how long it took this guy to realize he was running out of space.
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No.
*walks closer*
No! No! No!
*falls to knees*
NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
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You could write a We Didn't Start The Fire type song about today and it would be like 16 verses.
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Gatekeeping Covid by looking down on Omicron people and only hanging out with other people who had Covid Classic.
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McCusker playing flute with 21 Savage
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Class up any strip mall by calling it something like The Shoppes at Townshippe Centre.
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Hate to see people ganging up on Hasan Minhaj. Reminds me of when I was growing up and the neighborhood boys would throw potatoes at me for being Irish.
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You don’t need to talk to people in the elevator. You can just stand there.
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A crypto company has bought the naming rights to the Staples Center for a record breaking price tag of SEVEN monkey pictures.
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Hearing reports that the Pharma companies have already given the vaccine for free to MICE??????
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The greatest line of dialogue in the history of comedy is in Jackass: The Movie, when they go to a golf course and blow air horns in people's backswings. A guy throws his driver at Johnny Knoxville and threatens to assault him. Johnny says "I'm sorry, I've got bursitis."
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If you serve me pasta with shrimp and the shrimp still have the tails on, why don't you just give me a full time job in a fuckin coal mine?
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Politicize my death if I die in a mass shooting. Actually, politicize my death no matter what. If a piano falls on me, slash public school music programs nationwide. Beat up Billy Joel.
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MY COMEDY ADVICE 2016: Write jokes, get up a lot, make friends and have fun.
MY COMEDY ADVICE 2022: Develop a level of sociopathy unthinkable to any decent person.
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I’m 30 today. I’ve tucked my t-shirt into my jeans, and that’s where it will remain.
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Sure I missed the boat on Bitcoin, but at least I made fun of it and called people stupid for using it.
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Oh is Instagram down. Didn't notice, because you know what isn't down? Books.
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To be a fly on the wall for that plane ride with Joe Biden and Britney Griner.
“Golly, what are ya 6’8”? 6’9”? I knew a lady that tall once, we called her Tree Top.”
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I believe Trump's friendship with Epstein was based purely on their shared love of science.
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Someone stole my sunscreen. Stealing sunscreen from an Irish person is attempted murder.
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(A New York cop weeps into a Mike Piazza jersey)
Dat’s it, society’s done wid us... I’m an ovacast... *sniffs*... a piranha.
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We need to legalize marijuana and also admit it’s overrated.
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Enjoy that “happy thanksgiving” text from a number you don’t recognize.
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The steakhouse is named Chris and it belongs to Ruth, what is so hard to understand?
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At the park playing simultaneous chess against 7 opponents. Every one of them is absolutely kicking my ass, bystanders are booing me.
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If your 17 year old son A) has an AR-15, and B) carries it across state lines to protect a gas station, maybe talk to him.
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Just heard a guy complaining about the state of things in New York City, he said “they wanna give you tickets for driving too fast.” I have never heard anyone cut to the core of our societal ills so insightfully in all my life.
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Biker t shirt
If you can read this
THE B☠️TCH
didn’t want to come
ride with me
she was really vague
and I’m worried about
OUR RELATI☠️NSHIP
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Still pissed at my buddy for posting on IG that being a dad is “the coolest thing in the world.” It is objectively not cooler than when a home run goes out of the stadium and breaks a window, like on a car or someone’s house.
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@ScottWamplerBMD
In 2008 Hillary Clinton and Maya Angelou spoke at my college. Lady gets the mic and, in front of thousands, begins with “Hillary I’m such a fan. I was so sad when Bill has his affair.”
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Don’t even try to tell me about “the real New York” if you never got your ass kicked by the Ninja Turtles.
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Koko the gorilla has died. Her capacity for language was remarkable, but her silence on the trade war with China was deafening.
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There’s cocaine laced with Fentanyl going around NYC, don’t do cocaine. I’ve never done it and I can dunk, just something to think about.
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Violently losing your mind in a Bagel Boss is Long Island’s answer to the Haka.
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NYC Mayor ads are like “When 9/11 happened, he was against it.”
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If a boomer tells you “I have to show you this comedian I follow on Instagram,” you’re about to see a video more brutal than the Zapruder film.
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No basketball on TV. Doesn’t mean we can’t remember the golden years.
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14th CENTURY GUY: What kind of music do you like?
OTHER 14th CENTURY GUY: I like the kind that there is.
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Use your
#DaylightSavingsTime
glasses for Daylight Savings Time, do not look directly at the Daylight Savings Time.
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COMIC: We’ll start in like 5
If you ever want to see a career low point, this is it. Crying my entire way home.
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On this day in 1989, Ted Bundy was executed and I was born. A real “this town ain’t big enough for the both of us” situation.
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(Trying to scream over a construction worker's jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
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I auditioned for the Amy Schumer Hellman’s commercial. Looks like they went with Amy Schumer.
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If the Nuggets win it all, just imagine how sick the celebration will be in Serbia. Everyone in Armani Exchange tee shirts dancing in the streets to the hits of 2012. Bars sell out of a liquor that's used to poison bears. Jokic gets to carry the Victory Log.
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Kevin Hart should apologize for tweeting all that “positive energy blessings business mindset” horse shit.
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Got negative rapid and PCR tests, but I swear I was at the fun party where all the comics got it.
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Love to see a tweet like “Looks like Will Smith got in one little fight!” Then their bio is like “WGA writer SNL, Netflix, Tonight Show, HBO”
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Imagine you take ayahuasca and submerge yourself in a darkness retreat to open your mind to the secrets of the universe, and the universe whispers “go to the Jets.”
Jets contingent flying out to meet Aaron Rodgers after Packers grant permission for talks
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Whoops, just checked my Apple Watch and looks like it's Beer O'clock on the Baconth of Movember 24-freakin-7, my epic sirs.
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This is crazy, I thought it was going to be 100 dollars.
Zion may start the biggest shoe endorsement bidding war we've ever seen 💰
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I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
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The problem with our healthcare system is that every hospital has one doctor who walks around with a cane making snarky comments to everyone. Sure he's a genius, but is he more trouble than he's worth?
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And put my action figures where, exactly?
Dude comics empty your pockets before you go on stage so you don’t look bulgy/lumpy challenge
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Full Transparency: I am destroying old hand-drawn pictures of new Pokémon I thought of. I no longer think those would be good Pokémon.
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Get kids interested in school by renaming all the subjects in hillbilly fashion. Math is now Figurin’. Philosophy is now Reckonin’. Geography? Tarnation Studies.
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Men's moisturizer is just regular moisturizer, but they put it in a black bottle and advertise it like "Are you smooth enough... for WAR?"
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Bernie showing up with a manila envelope, looking like he needs to run to the post office after this, is extremely powerful.
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Landlords love to tell you "We never had to fix this before you moved in." Buddy, do you think I broke my ceiling?
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Reverse Last Comic Standing (lesser known comics critique rich and famous headliners) would be a very good show.
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Andy Milonazi
If you can't tell this guy that he looks like absolute dog shit, then truth is dead & there's no point in this website
Free
@bashfulcoward
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Ten years ago Lin Manuel Miranda debuted his first song from Hamilton at the White House. People mocked it, they dismissed it as corny and embarrassing. A decade later, the truth is overwhelmingly obvious. Those people were right, that shit sucks.
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Cable news: Baltimore Police Fear They'll Run Out of Brownies for Protestors.
Twitter: here's a video of NYPD running over 12 pregnant ladies with a tank.
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This is historic. Never has an election been won by both detectives from Rush Hour.
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We may soon find out if the most heavily funded political party in the history of the world can defeat the dumbest man who ever lived.
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Honk all you want, I’m listening to Dance Yrself Clean and I can’t hit the gas until the good part.
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