John Crist
@johnbcrist
Followers
172,937
Following
95
Media
1,029
Statuses
24,147
Standup comedian. Tour dates, videos and podcast link 👇🏽👇🏽👇🏽
Joined September 2011
Don't wanna be here?
Send us removal request.
Explore trending content on Musk Viewer
#LaCasaDeLosFamososMx
• 342765 Tweets
Karime
• 340967 Tweets
Gala
• 247971 Tweets
ドーナツホール
• 164604 Tweets
Kris Kristofferson
• 141598 Tweets
Mayito
• 115107 Tweets
Ravens
• 114225 Tweets
XCROSSOVER WITH 00K
• 62126 Tweets
The Purge
• 53308 Tweets
解散総選挙
• 38259 Tweets
Mario Bezares
• 35963 Tweets
#MondayMotivation
• 33450 Tweets
日経平均
• 33094 Tweets
石破ショック
• 31495 Tweets
唐沢俊一
• 25598 Tweets
PRABOWOsiapkan TRANSISImulus
• 17273 Tweets
ドミノピザ
• 16777 Tweets
KitaKOMPAK KitaTANGGUH
• 16592 Tweets
Happy New Week
• 15426 Tweets
ヴェイン
• 13618 Tweets
#ドミノ39歳ハピバ
• 13109 Tweets
カッコの中
• 11836 Tweets
推しポイント
• 10976 Tweets
スタリラ
• 10350 Tweets
I got left on read by a girl from my Bible study...
...I’ve been holy ghosted.
97
3K
22K
What restaurant did you think was nice as a kid but when you became an adult realized it wasn’t that nice?...
14K
844
13K
Tired of having to get out of bed and drive across town to attend service? Introducing Virtual Reality Church!
309
3K
11K
“...preach the gospel to all nations.”
33
2K
10K
Places your dad will check before he checks Instagram:
1. Garage toolbox
2. Sunday paper
3. Lawn
4. Under car hood
5. TV remote
6. Back pocket of khakis
7. Ben Shapiro comments section
8. US Open scoreboard
9. Frig
Post your Father’s Day messages there
105
1K
9K
RUNNING LATE: Official Glossary
“On the way” = still in bed
“In the car” = in the shower
“Gps says 35 min” = getting ready
“There’s traffic” = leaving the house
“Parking now” = 15 minutes out
“Can’t find a spot” = 5 minutes out
“Walking in” = looking for parking
73
2K
7K
My sister just said, and I quote “when I was little I thought ‘when I get rich I’m gonna go to PF Chang’s’.”
74
94
7K
The flight attendant just had to remind me put on my seatbelt before take off and the dude behind me just leaned forward and said “hey bro check your heart...” 😐😐😐
94
209
7K
If you ever wanna find out who you’re real friends are, move a couch up a flight of stairs and yell “PIVOT” and see who gets it...
124
2K
7K
We legit only went to shoneys for special occasions. I was convinced it was five star
299
66
6K
Christmas morning is the super bowl for the guy who carries a knife in his pocket 365 days a year
122
474
6K
A girl just recognized me in the airport so I went over and asked if she wanted to take a pic and she said no so I’m never leaving the house again thanks
99
105
6K
This
@SouthwestAir
flight attendant just recognized me and asked if I wanted to tell some jokes on the intercom and I’ve never had more anxiety
110
85
6K
Dec 26-Dec 31: A week full of behavior that you’re like “Ok fine but I’m stopping this come 2019.”
25
1K
5K
I wanna be more like Jesus in every way but eating fish for breakfast is where I draw the line
73
508
5K
It’s part of my testimony 😩😩😩
126
145
5K
2008:
*goes to school
*completes internship
*finishes residency
*takes entry level job
*undergoes years of training
*publishes research
*writes book
*becomes expert
2018:
*watches documentary
*becomes expert
52
733
5K
Attention residents of Georgia: please explain this to me thanks
107
3K
5K
“The Lord is my rock, my fortress, my deliverer...”
28
862
5K
honestly if justin beiber and ed sheeran don’t feel like they fit in at parties then there is no hope for the rest of us
49
705
5K
Can everyone go back to their polling location and turn their sticker back in? Maybe we can count that way...
61
651
5K
Shout out to the middle class parents who drive their kids to the rich neighborhoods to trick or treat
54
363
5K
Ladies, can we discuss those graphic tees y’all love to wear...
83
814
4K
This. Is. Across. The. Line.
In honor of my Grammy nomination today, my son sent me this beautiful interpretive dance to one of his favorite songs of all time. Thanks so much for taking time out of your busy day to bless me with this, John. ilysm.
@johnbcrist
43
328
2K
79
363
4K
We passed a “Bible Wax Museum” on the way to the show. I said, “stop this car immediately I must attend!”
75
446
4K
“This guy”
This guy's hilarious video nails every parent's frustrations at Disney World
59
318
2K
85
185
4K
I just blocked, unblocked and reblocked someone just so I could feel the satisfaction of blocking them twice. Does that qualify as petty?
146
204
4K
Waiting for my food at Chickfila and they just yelled out “order number 7 for Jonah” and that’s the most Christian thing I’ve ever witnessed
43
203
4K
I don’t have panic attacks but if someone texts me in the morning and says I need to talk to you about something I’ll call you after work, lemme just say, the day is not gonna go well for me...
39
374
4K
When my pastor makes a good point, instead of saying amen I’m gonna started yelling dilly dilly.
78
1K
4K
Everyone out here renouncing the Chickfila chicken sandwich, this must be what the Bible meant by apostasy in the last days
49
452
4K
Hey real quick...
When all the parking spots are angled this way...
/ \
/ \
/ \
/ \
YOU CANT DRIVE THIS WAY
⬆️
⬆️
⬆️
⬆️
My goodness how do people still not know this?...
95
505
4K
What enneagram number doesn’t care about other people’s enneagram number?
I’m that one.
122
538
4K
Lol this kid in our meet and greet said he wanted to be a comedian and I asked him if he had any jokes...
31
315
4K
Ha!!!! It’s the truth tho!
3
226
4K
Hey airlines, we’re not listening to your safety instructions. We’re all operating on the “if this flight lands, we’ll live, if it crashes we’re prob gonna die” policy...
36
409
4K
Nothing worse than searching the nearest Chickfila only to arrive and find out its in a mall food court 😩😩😩
188
202
4K
“And may your feet be fitted with the shoes of the gospel of pleasure.”
66
399
4K
I can go two months at home without washing a towel but as soon as I check into a hotel I demand new ones daily
54
239
4K
Flight attendant just called me hun so if I seem a little extra confident tonight, that’s why 💁🏽♂️
35
93
4K
Honestly if it has the word Jurassic in the title, I’m going to see it. Jurassic Park, Jurassic World, Jurassic Pond, Jurassic Airport Layover, Jurassic Nap Time...doesn’t matter, sign me up.
75
657
4K
Stranger: you want some candy?
Me: *calls cops
Stranger but also my Uber driver: you want some candy?
Me: omg that’s so considerate five stars I love you
9
254
4K
Wasn’t sure if I should message her or not but then I was like, “carpe DM..”
47
410
3K
It’s 2018, can we all just agree that the “I got a new phone and lost all my contacts” excuse is no longer acceptable?...
76
318
3K
Car Alarms: Official Count
Cars saved from theft: 4
People annoyed: 9,746,572,622
23
358
3K
