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@jockhag
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today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️
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a year and a half sober, just made a guy crash his bike by making eye contact— skin clear, ego unchecked
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last week a coworker told me she's dumping her boyfriend for a girl in her D&D group and i've been riding that high HARD
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finding out our aggro sublet from hell is an edmonton musician to montreal transplant is truly the only thing that’s made this make sense
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I feel about polyamory the same way I feel about datcha— disgusted but grateful it congregates the kind of people I’m trying to avoid xoxo
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my dad sent me this on his 60th birthday last week and I can’t think about anything else
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I’m 3 years sober today which means I get to make Steph eat Little Caesars with me
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when did the mile end fashion shift from ugly knitwear to full-on tree planter happen?
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gf is on board with me buying a car but little do they know the second they hop in I’m moving us back to saskatchewan
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Odessa is 100% dyke-owned now so you have to buy coffee from me or else you’re homophobic
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my relationship is truly 50/50 in that steph tells me what words like “svelte” mean and I get to explain to her what a “puckslut” is
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steph brought home the chair from her solo exhibition last week, a series of susan being Carefree™️ and only leaving chair to eat
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need the best professional email response akin to “Wow thanks, that’s super not what I asked for. Can you send me the thing I did ask for?”
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who’s gonna tell all these toronto kids that they still have to tip in quebec?
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joked about moving to back to saskatchewan once... and now... gf wants to move to saskatchewan
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I used to hate being The Tall One until I moved to montreal and 90% of my friends ended up being 6’2+ and I started taking it extremely personally
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the worst part about buying a business is every single man assuming you want to start stocking their awful shit, as if I didn't just double my insane debt just to avoid job hunting & ever working with men again
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yesterday was my mtl 4 year anniversaire and... I’m mostly just convinced living around the kind of queers here has turned me into a conservative xoxo
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explain how it made sense for me to start school, drop out of school, and then apply to Harvard in a 2 day span
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cis men have all the opportunity in the world, yet so many still choose to wear white framed sunglasses
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look I just wanted to be able to go back to saskatchewan this christmas to see my friends and flex my sobriety in the form of a Designated Driver God Complex
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how does anyone expect me to have a desire for queer community with people posting in chez queer iso “sexually liberated goddess witch” roommates?
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remembering that time I dated someone 10 years older than me that said she “couldn’t let herself trust me because I’m a gemini” and screaming into the street
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all I have to do every day is remember that Ginger and Scary Spice used to fuck and then nothing can hurt me
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my new tactic with montreal coffee reps is yelling “EW NO” when they come to drop off samples, I’m going to make a fantastic business owner 🦋
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not my Very Queb Man acupuncturist turning a heat lamp on me and whispering “like a little chicken” 🥺
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drew in my eyebrows to beg for SNRIs on a phone appointment and my doctor FORGOT, dyke hot rights apparently mean nothing anymore??
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every time someone says “bon courage!” and leaves without tipping, an antibody dies
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told gf that the wedding pantsuit they want would make them look like Nardwuar, wish me luck!
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joke's on the 400 tech jobs that rejected me last year, seeing as I am now a coding genius (made 1 (one) google form for my service job)
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neighbour just walked in on me smoking a cigarette wearing a trench coat, reebok slip-ons, and full avocado face mask on our shared balcony
probably not gonna bounce back from that one
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becoming less and less worth my disentigrating brain’s time conversing with anyone not from the prairies, my constant use of “mid-30s loser from Lloydminister who still listens to Buckcherry” as a personality type descriptor simply does not land otherwise
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all the Datcha bros who try hitting on me and my Obvious Dyke Energy just wanna be pegged, right?
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only being invited to: Minimum 3 saskatchewan weddings next summer, in full margiela, with my extremely hot gf will revive my ego from this covid death (and nothing else)
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listening to my girlfriend yell about how “Missy Elliott is the Bach of our generation” and counting my blessings
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practical magic is just a movie about a town of 5s that can’t handle hard 10s
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misread a double kiss and kissed my neighbour directly on the mouth tonight 👍🏼
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u can tell how long someone’s lived in montreal by how many silver chains they own, kinda like tree-rings but gayer
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honestly pretty fucking rich of my therapist to go on vacation in mid-january
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I invoice my mom an extra $9 a month to use my netflix subscription to pay for my porn subscription, there I said it
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someone told me they “woke up raw” this morning because she didn’t have coffee before 11, I’m banning toronto
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ran into the gay that stole my Spice World dvd 6 years ago on Linkedin, going for blood
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recently learned that someone checked in on me through a friend and thought it was kind of weird until I realized that the last 2 conversations I had with them were me talking about conspiracy theories and how I could “for sure kill somebody if it was legal”
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elated to report that 2020 has so far been the year of Huge Love & dedicating 20-30 minutes/day to staring at my shredded gym body in the mirror
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yelled “I’m looking for bugs, what the FUCK do you want?” at a man who just followed me into an alley
really hoping this new therapist works out xoxo
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somehow more upset about my plans of going to the WEM waterpark this year getting fucked more so than my plans of moving to gd Paris this year getting fucked
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getting fluent in french is cool until you start forgetting english and constantly sound like a 6-year-old in all of your languages
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the same guy who told me his favourite band is R.E.M. just asked me if I’m “one of those girls who thought Billy Corgan was sexy.”
electric chair
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poly queers really just out here dressing like literal clowns and toddlers now hey
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@rebexxxxa
it’s gotta be the “social distancing laws being oppressive to polyamorous people” for me!
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not my giant chiropractor ranking the Avengers films while he repeatedly bodyslams me
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didn’t realize the cafe door was propped open and that everyone on the benches outside could hear me listening to a “Most Ruthless Takedowns 10 Years of Jersey Shore” vidéo on full volume
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keto is great if you wanna feel like you’re edging death every waking minute
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job interviews have been going way better lately since my brain completely cracked and started saying shit like “I can talk louder and longer than anyone else you’re gonna interview” and “sure I’ll live in Toronto part time, at this point who cares”
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panicked and forgot the entire french language during a surprise phone interview today
feeling like I now understand the deep horror of being embarrassed in gym class (I wouldn’t know, I was a god-given winner)
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went for a nice massage today and ended up getting diagnosed with scoliosis, can I get a hell ya
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thought I was actively ghosting someone until I realized she wasn’t trying to reach me either lol burn
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ever since we got married Steph always shows up to meet me with a tupperware of salad
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pleased to announce that our Extremely Fucking Loud and Terrifying upstairs neighbour has been replaced with 24/7 Renovations
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grateful for sobriety when reminded of xmas 2015 when I:
1. blacked out
2. drove to my sisters
3. threw up inside my pants(??)
4. was shown a video the next morning of myself mumble singing Dreaming My Dreams by The Cranberries while trying to take off the vomit pants
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a man at the gym saw me using the ~which celebrity is your twin~ filter on instagram and get Obama. legally I can’t get off my machine until he leaves.
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leather pants are out of the shop and back on my ass- don’t bother approaching me as I have ZERO humility left
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heads up qc under 30s I just walked into a vax centre and got boosted w no appt. 😘
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up until a week ago I thought everyone was just calling Putin a “Kremlin,” like an insult
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no one really talks about the part of ~going through some shit~ that makes you do stuff like seeing mama mia 2 in IMAX & buying tickets to the smashing pumpkins reunion tour
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can’t figure out if my relationship with the FedEx guy got weird when he started telling me about his friends in Alabama who eat roadkill or when I started addressing him as “bitch”
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obssssed with the old italian pharmacist that doles out my meds every time by yelling “1234TANISHA! VALIUM!” to everyone in the pharmaprix
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probably shouldn’t have yelled “YEEEEEES” when the guy in the therapy waiting room flipped off his therapist but I guess that’s also why I’m here 👼🏼
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gf packed half of my shirts with her to paris for 3 months and I’m only bitter because she’s way hotter in them and I hate being humbled
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anyone have success stories specifically about not going to a dentist for 6+ years and not needing to spend $10,000
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finally getting the notariaty we deserve, i.e. had a man barge onto our tennis court yelling “SO BEAUTIFUL, SO SEXY! MY DAUGHTER ALWAYS SAYS YOU’RE THE SEXIEST GIRLS IN OUTREMONT!” 🥴
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working on my zoom presentation before I attend a zoom presentation ensuite my zoom therapy session followed by club q zoom y’all I’m fucking losing it
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I don’t care if ur a new mom put a mask on that baby or leave it outside @ gmail
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looking for something in my browser history only to realize that I’ve googled “agent scully eating ribs” 3 times this week
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@ all men:
you are not entitled to ask about other's bodies/tattoos
you are not entitled to act up when they don't respond how you want
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honestly pretty miffed that my shitty ex’s shitty ex stopped paying for the Criterion account they had no idea I used
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being a dyke is so fucking embarrassing like why did I just cry because I was late getting home and thought my wife (update: not even home) would be hungry
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truly fucking brave of someone to come in at 8am and tell me I “look like a HAIM sister with a mask on”
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taken my cat’s anal temperature twice today and just had to hand feed him “gastro loaf,” if you see me keep walking
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