Joanne Harris
@Joannechocolat
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It was good here for awhile, but nowadays I tend to be on Threads or Bluesky instead. Find me @joannechocolat there.
The Shed
Joined April 2010
Don't wanna be here?
Send us removal request.
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As of now, this account will be semi-dormant. It was good for a while, but I think it's finally over. If you'd like to keep following me and the Shed, you can do so on Threads or Bluesky. There'll be people I miss here, but I can't bear to be part of Elon's binfire any longer...
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On Christmas Day I invited my parents over for lunch. My mother was her usual chatty self, but I thought my Dad was a bit out of sorts; sleepy and unresponsive. When he was leaving, I hugged him, and he smiled at me and said: "I think you're my daughter. Aren't you?" 💔
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This has been coming for a while, of course, and although he has lapses in memory, he usually recognizes people quite well. But this feels like the start of a descent. Hug your loved ones, folks, while you can. There's always less time than you think.
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Things That Are Not Elitist:
Liking art.
Reading books.
Knowing history.
Being aware of other cultures.
Feeling compassion for others.
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5 people, paying 250k to travel in an unsafe vessel to a dangerous place.
500 people, in an unsafe vessel, trying desperately to get to a safe place.
Why do some people feel such a connection with the first group, but not the second?
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Reminder to anyone who needs it today: the 50s weren't a golden age, and the people who tell you it was aren't remotely on your side.
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Imagine being in a meeting at work.
Imagine you're on camera.
Imagine slouching there in your seat, pulling faces, rolling your eyes.
Imagine shouting: "Boring," repeatedly at your colleagues.
Now, imagine you're in a top job, where there are millions of lives at stake.
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Perhaps he should start with making sure that all pupils can have breakfast.
Prime Minister Rishi Sunak wants all pupils to study maths to 18
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As the light starts slowly to return, here comes the news that my mammogram is clear...
#GoodbyeMrC
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Saying goodbye to my dear old Dad, who passed away peacefully during the night. April 29th, 1938. July 18, 2024.
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Boris Johnson *doesn't* know that. He thinks he's entitled to make other people pay for the things he does. He's a man who thinks people are disposable. That's why he partied while people were dying. It's not about cake. It never was.
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Here's a little story from when I was a teacher. Bear with me awhile; it's relevant, and explains what I feel about Partygate.
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Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he'll live in debt for the rest of his life, while a man who was taught Latin at Eton and Classical History at Oxford becomes Minister For Fisheries.
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11.00 am: Barnsley Town Hall; 34 years ago. Me, in a £20 dress, and K, in an old suit from a vintage shop. No guests; just 2 witnesses, and a floral arrangement left over from the previous day's wedding. A single photograph - this one. Still together. Still happy.
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Boys need female role models to teach them how to identify with women, rather than just see them in terms of attractive/unattractive.
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Vocabulary point: a "staycation" means staying at home. Renting a cottage on the Scottish coast is what people who can't afford to go to Mustique refer to as "going on holiday."
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Today's inbox: three requests to work for free. One would cost me £110 in rail fare, another would cost me 50 hours of work, and the last says "we don't have a budget for speakers, but we can promise a nice lunch." Folks, if you're paying the caterers, you can pay your speaker.
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I remember when we had: a working NHS; free university education; public libraries; an integrated national railway service; subsidised bus fares. We had these things. They were normal. And they were taken away from us by the same people who are now calling such things impossible.
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I never imagined that I would end up living in a country where social justice is viewed with contempt; where a quiet gesture of respect is booed; and where a mixed-race baby is mocked for having a white woman's name.
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Here's a little mini-thread, to test your imagination.
1. Imagine your child has been bitten by a rabid dog.
2. Imagine you, in a panic, driving the child to A&E.
3. Imagine the A&E doctor telling you all about his very tame and non-rabid dog, instead of deaing with your child.
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There is a whole colonial history of ignorance and entitlement in the use of the word "expat" for oneself, and "migrant" for other people.
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People saying Johnson should be allowed to "learn from his mistakes." Sorry, but when a plumber comes to your house promising to fix the toilet, and instead gets drunk, floods the place with sewage and charges you ten times the agreed fee, you don't give him a second chance.
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Reminder to anyone who needs it today: Nothing that brings you joy is trivial, or a waste of time. Joy is a serious business, and you deserve it in your life.
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The man who joined an Oxford club that had *burning a £50 note in front of a homeless person* as one of its initiation rites is now telling the Commons how shocked he is that Tory MPs were rude to his cleaning staff.
I think he's lying.
#PMQs
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It's OK to grieve for a stranger, or for a fictional character, or for someone you've never met. These are the things that make us human.
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How To be a Writer
Write.
On good days, write.
On bad days, write.
When you don't feel like it, write.
When the world's gone to shit, write.
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Can we please stop the fighting talk when it comes to Covid-19? We're not at war. People aren't dying because they didn't show enough fight, or courage, or spirit. They're dying because viruses are immune to courage, spirit and rhetoric...
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Man "concerned for his safety" throws a woman against a wall, grabs her by the neck. Woman concerned for the safety of another woman reports an incident to the police, and is attacked by the Press and threatened with exposure. Can you see what they are yet?
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The most important advice in these times is this:
Read. Read to your kids. Reading teaches empathy; critical thinking; it opens minds. There's a reason the Tories are banning books, crushing the arts, closing libraries. Reading imagines a better world. Reading is resistance.
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If the Andrew Tate story can teach us anything, it's this. Karma is real, and she wants us to recycle.
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FFS. Close the schools. Write off the year. Let the kids repeat the whole thing, if necessary. Do you really think they’ll be fit to concentrate on coursework if they think they’re responsible for infecting their loved ones?
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To anyone who needs a reminder: owning my books doesn't mean you own me.
Wow. I’ve always been a huge fan of author Joanne Harris, got all her books. I was disappointed to see her tweet about David Icke, as felt it was leaning towards cancel culture, and called her out on it. Despite telling her I was a fan and had all her books, she blocked me 🤷♀️🤦🏼♀️
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Sometimes, the voice of a person long dead remains more alive and more relevant than that of a thousand still living.
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Giving someone a job, based on the skills they have to offer, does not entitle you to anything other than their performance of the job. You don't expect the plumber you hired 20 years ago to share your views out of "gratitude."
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How Presidents Deal With Tragedy. I can't stop thinking about this.
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Removing copyright from books after 30 years doesn't mean readers will get them for free. It simply means that publishers, TV, film and game producers will be able to monetize them for free, without paying the authors.
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Reminder to anyone who needs it today: Reading is a pleasure. Not a duty. Not a performance. Read what you love, whatever that is; and read for yourself, not for those who tell you what you *must* read in order to fit their model of what makes a reader.
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The state of Matt Hancock, telling the people they should be "grateful", when he broke the law and 120,000 people are dead.
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MASSIVE SHOUTOUT to the very old lady on the train, watching me tweeting on my phone, finally leaning forward to say: "Wouldn't you be better off with a book, my dear?"
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When I was a teacher during the salmonella crisis, I took a phone call from a furious, tearful parent who wanted to know what the school thought it was doing, serving salmonella to pupils for lunch.
I assured her we weren't.
She insisted we were.
Turns out she meant "semolina."
Americans are avoiding Corona beer amid coronavirus outbreak, survey finds
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If your freedom limits the freedom of others, then it was never “freedom” at all.
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Hello, I'm an author. You may know me from my greatest hits, including: "No, not like J. K. Rowling", "exposure doesn't pay the bills,", and "I don't know, *have* you heard of me?"
Hello! I’m a specialty doctor in geriatrics. You might know me from my greatest hits including,”stop that betahistine”, “this patient needs an MMSE” and “do you have stairs?”...
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Nurses have given 100%.
The Tories are giving them 1%.
RT if you'd rather your taxes went to them, rather than Serco.
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Now would be a good time to spare a sympathetic thought for an old woman who has lost her partner of 70-odd years...
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A-level U-turn achieved. Good. Now let's make them reverse Brexit.
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Reading for pleasure is good for you, not because it teaches empathy (though it does); or because it improves literacy, or mental health, or articulacy, or your chance of a more rewarding job (though it does). Reading for pleasure is good for you because PLEASURE is good for you.
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Where to go to during
#Lockdown
:
Narnia
Asgard
The Hundred Acre Wood
Middle-Earth
London Below
Hogwarts
Mars
Gormenghast
Lansquenet-sous-Tannes
A galaxy far, far away
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Mammogram result in today - and I'm all clear! Don't neglect your regular check-ups, folks: an early diagnosis could just save your life...
#GoodbyeMrC
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How to be a Writer:
Look into void
Become increasingly convinced that void is not only looking back at you, but that it hates your novel
Tea
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I hope the journalists who have been so eager to report the unfounded allegations against me will be as keen to report the result of tonight's overwhelming AGM vote. Because otherwise we'll all know that this was never about authors, and entirely about culture wars politics.
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A lot of people have been talking nonsense about this, thanks to Kathleen Stock. Let's get a couple of things clear. I "declared" this at my son's suggestion, because people on here were already whispering about him, trying to put pressure on me.
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Last session! Radio 10/10, and I hope it’s the final one ever! Thanks to all the terrific NHS staff who have helped me get through this so far, and thanks to all of you for your support and good wishes…
#GoodbyeMrC
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Friendly reminder to readers: contacting an author to tell them that you didn't like one of their books is like phoning a neighbour to tell them you think their child is ugly. Maybe don't, huh?
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Person on the internet: "Vaccines aren't natural." Neither are:
antibiotics
deodorants
dental fillings
TVs
cars
clothes
houses
phones
the actual fucking internet
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Being female is not a political stance.
Le Pen would be the first NAZI president of France, you knuckle-dragging turnip...
So-called "feminists" are trying to block people voting for a woman.
She would be the first female president of France.
Let that sink in.
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Tories encouraging the privatisation of the NHS because it is "failing" is like breaking an employee's legs and then sacking them because they can't walk.
#JohnsonMustResign
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Times I’ve written or said anything abusive about JKR: zero.
Times this morning I’ve received threats and abuse for saying negative stuff about JKR: 23.
It isn’t even lunchtime.
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Gentle reminder: if your main expression of your "rights" is about stopping other people from exercising theirs, then you're not really interested in rights.
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No, he killed her because he was a vicious killer. Get it right.
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Regular reminder that: in the UK, two women die from "lovers' quarrels" every week.
@VernonBriscoe
I don’t believe she was screaming. It was a lovers’ quarrel. Recording it was squalid and an invasion of privacy.
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Johnson flagrantly gave his mistress £127k of taxpayers' money. Now his corrupt Government are giving billions more to their cronies. How many times does he need to show us who he really is? Or will there always be suckers who think he'll make an exception for them?
#BorisAffair
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"So you see, the incel movement is a response to feminism..."
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Every day, the boy made a cup of tea for the cleaner, brought it to her, then spent the rest of his hour picking up litter around the school. Because there are no "lesser people." And he needed to know that.
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Eleven weeks post-chemo, and, thanks to pregabalin, this is the first day I've been free of neuropathic pain, and the first night I haven't needed codeine to get to sleep. Celebrating with a nice cup of tea, and maybe a marmalade sandwich.
#GoodbyeMrC
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Amidst all the hilarity surrounding the departure of Cummings from no. 10, it may be wise to remember that Johnson didn't sack him for lying, breaking quarantine during a pandemic or undermining lockdown strategy, but for saying something mean about his current girlfriend.
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Telling women not to leave their homes in case of attack is basically acknowledging it's dangerous to be a woman. So how about finally addressing the threats to women, instead of addressing the women under threat?
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May, praising a police force she has cut to the bone in the name of austerity: condemning terrorism aided by her sale of arms to the Saudis.
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In the media today: Ukrainians fleeing war in their country are rightly being referred to as "refugees."
Albanians, Iraquis, Syrians, Somalis, Afghans, also fleeing war, have always been labelled "migrants."
To the Tories, refugees look like "us." Migrants don't. Words matter.
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I've always mistrusted people who sneer at literary fluff. Fluff insulates. It protects from heat. It stops people from dying of cold. Escapism is what we need when reality becomes toxic to our mental health. And writing it well is at least as hard as writing "serious" fiction.
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Gentle reminder to the reading world: Stop sneering at what others read. No-one ever hurt anyone by opening a book. Which is more than can be said for many other things, Twitter included.
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If you can imagine all of this, then you shouldn't have any difficulty understanding why
#NotAllMen
sucks. If you can't, then you're part of the problem.
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Imagine if this were a Muslim cleric in front of a crowd of the same size, talking openly about hanging people in the name of "discussion." How fast would the
@metpoliceuk
intervene?
Conspiracy theorist, anti-vaxxer and struck-off nurse Kate Shemirani is here literally threatening NHS doctors with the noose.
I believe she is inciting hatred and would be grateful
@metpoliceuk
if you could please investigate.
Please RT if you agree.
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People who dismiss e-books or audiobooks as being somehow less worthy or less meaningful than physical books are missing the point of books. Books are not ink and paper, just as human beings are not defined by their physicality.
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He knew.
He just didn't care.
Boris Johnson’s shameless care homes defence that he “didn’t know covid could be transmitted asymptomatically” has been blown apart by this new footage
Every UK news show should play this in the morning
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Of all the things you could choose to resist: corruption, exploitation, racism, misogyny, the selling off of our NHS, nutjob conspiracy theories, gun culture, slavery, actual fascists, a global fucking pandemic - and your chosen method of protest is... not wearing PPE?
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You're not stupid for believing a lie. Anyone can be taken in. But when the lie has been repeatedly shown to be a lie, and there is no longer any reason to believe it, and yet you still persist in believing it against all the evidence, then yes. You're probably stupid.
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When I meet certain writers of fantasy, claiming that their all-white, aggressively masculine world is based on true, historical fact, I like to remind them that Alexandre Dumas, author of such swashbuckling novels as THE THREE MUSKETEERS, was:
a) a writer of cookbooks
b) black.
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Thank you to everyone who has supported me through this, both publicly and privately. Rationality has prevailed...
The Society of Authors AGM just ended. Resolution 7 was defeated by 79% to 21%. Resolution 6 was defeated 81% to 19%.This means Joanne Harris continues in her role as Chair of the Management Committee.I remain thankful to Joanne & the SOA team for their hard work for ALL authors.
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In a world in which so many people seem to be in a race to destroy as much as they can, any act of creation is precious. Whatever you're creating, on whatever scale- whether you're writing, painting, knitting, dancing, gardening, or making films, know that it matters. You matter.
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The urge to pick up conkers and put them in my pocket has never really gone away…
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Grammar point: "I apologize for mistakes that HAVE BEEN MADE" (passive voice, indicating that the mistakes might have been made by someone else) doesn't mean the same as "I apologize for the mistakes I HAVE MADE" (active voice). Didn't they teach this at Eton?
#PMQs
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Just one more session of chemo to go! Then some radio, and after that, I’m hoping it’s
#GoodbyeMrC
!
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My two resident crows have learnt that when the cat mews at the kitchen door, I come out to feed him, and they get the scraps. So they have learnt how to mew also. It is EERIE (and hilarious).
Please tell me the good things, even the smallest good things, in your life this morning.
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I've known he was trans for awhile, but he came out publicly on June 1st, which is why I haven't mentioned it before. He's a million times braver, better and wiser than anyone on that nasty little thread. Anyone using him to attack me is utterly and forever beneath contempt.
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Joanna Cherry. Gina Miller. Lady Hale.
Girly swots, 3: Entitled, lazy scrounger: 0
#SupremeCourtUK
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What the actual FUCK kind of school policy stigmatizes a child whose parents need to save money? And what teacher allows it?
Holderness Academy has defended placing a child in isolation for wearing the supermarket version, insisting parents were made aware of the policy in June.
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How To Be A Woman Writer:
Log onto Twitter
Wait for dozens of unpublished guys to tell you how to do it
Contemplate breasts in mirror
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There are working class people in London.
There are working class people at university.
There are working class people who voted Remain.
There are working class people who don't drink beer.
There are working class people who are pretty damn sick of patronising assumptions.
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Twitter, please repeat after me: Unless it causes harm to you or to other people, there ARE NO guilty pleasures. So; eat that cake. Read that book. Play that game. Watch that show. Life is short. Don’t let others dictate what should or shouldn’t bring you joy.
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Thought for anyone who needs it today: Wearing a little piece of cloth across your face during a dangerous pandemic is a hell of a lot more patriotic than waving a big one at the end of a pole.
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Chemo day! Off to kick Mr C's ass in my big boots and beanie...
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Here's a little test to find out whether or not you've been cancelled. If you're being interviewed on national TV, or writing columns in the Press, or selling mountains of books or CDs, then you haven't been cancelled.
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