Jeremy Elder
@jeremyelderr
Followers
6K
Following
41K
Media
247
Statuses
2K
a comedian and epic guy
Los Angeles, CA
Joined May 2012
I feel like we’re living in the only universe where Post Malone isn’t a line cook.
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damn I walked all the way to the bridge near my house to ponder and there’s already two dudes here pondering as well
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hitting the “eco” button in my car having no idea what it does
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excited for the 12:30pm showing of BlackBerry in Times Square where everyone is watching by themselves
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call her my social security number the way she 607 on my 22-4471.
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so nobody cares that women sometimes poop during childbirth but the same rules don’t apply for my flu shot??.
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I JUST GOT ACCEPTED TO HARVARD TOTAL LANDSCAPING !! 📖 📚 🏛.
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couples on Instagram love saying they found their “partner in crime” but the crime is being the most boring person imaginable.
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damn I wanted to get “watch scooby doo cyber chase” high but I got “clean my whole house immediately” high instead.
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my crowning achievement.
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Somebody help me with my budget. My family is starving. Rent: $1200.Groceries: $200.Car Payment: $150.Fentanyl disguised as candy: $46000.Utilities: $80.
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my roommates have politely asked me to stop firing a starting gun every time I get to a new chapter of a book.
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almost crashed my car to get this video of a guy playing with an Oculus under a bridge
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This baby is funnier than 90% of comedians I know.
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Harry Styles is like if one of the members from One Direction started a solo career.
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It happened. I was told my nephews soccer game was “dress up” but they meant just for the kids
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The State of the Union should have a cold open. Like Biden and Kamala should do something wacky up top to get the vibe going.
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Stop saying elections are rigged on beautiful princess island. My girlfriend was made queen fair and square.
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working on some new impressions (mostly just the setups)
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This Dave and Busters is showing a tutorial on how to draw Elsa
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Twitter simply refuses to learn this man’s name.
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you want me to give you a ride to the airport? what’s the guy/girl ratio there?.
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yeah I’m a SIMP. SIMPly head over heels for my beautiful girlfriend.
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my dad goes to a bar with his friends every friday and he makes a list of discussion topics (pt 7).
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This was the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.
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Working with Patrick over the last year was one of the most fun experiences I’ve ever had, and I’ve grown so much as a writer working beside him. He left an indelible mark on this company and deserves all his roses 🌹.
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Yeah I’m married to the game. The game of being in love with my beautiful girlfriend.
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the founding fathers should have founded something cooler like a skate park or a five guys.
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It’s too hard to discern facts on the internet so I’ve decided I’m just gonna believe everything I read. Drop some facts below and ill believe them.
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A Funny Thing Happened on the Way To The Dicksucking Factory.
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In solidarity with the WGA I will not be texting anyone back.
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getting ready to say “un poquito” when someone asks if I speak Spanish
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A Looney Tunes-style poster for ‘THE LAST OF US’ has been released.
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oh fuck, the Doomsday Hot Dog only has two bites left in it.
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imagine arguing with someone on here then your phone starts to ring.
Twitter is working on introducing voice and video calls, as confirmed by Elon Musk.
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how it feels when my girlfriend with more followers gives me a retweet
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whoever named it a dishwasher got it exactly right. that thing is a dishwasher.
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We should make a new law where it’s illegal to raid the capitol.
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desperately scouring the replies for people who said “hippo” so I can call them an absolute fool.
You have to survive 20 minutes with one of them for $100 Million. Which are you picking?
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just learned when you un-send a GIF on iMessage it explodes
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I’m really good at listening. I can listen with my eyes closed.
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What's your first tweet when you search for "hate" in your page?.
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Disco sucks? How about I suck down discold beer and listen to some Bee Gees.
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yeah I’m a Proud Boy. Proud of my girlfriends .accomplishments :-).
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If spirit is gonna make me pay $8 for wifi I’m watching porn.
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We made this diagram because the holidays are about DATA.
I’ve gone to the lab with @jeremyelderr and digitized our official Christmas Song Axis. this is for science
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Really? The mental health crisis from the pandemic was minimal?. What about the time I did that thing that was so RANDOM??.
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Been dating my girlfriend for three years, I think I’m gonna finally pop the question. “what are your hobbies/basic interests?”.
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after careful consideration, I’ve decided I will blow whoever invented rotisserie chicken.
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you either die epic, or live long enough to see yourself become random.
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Lebron James is in a unique 24 window where he can kill any civilian he wants without repercussion. Who will he choose?.
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follow my ass.
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technically all music is good because everyone tried their best.
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