Is this considered... reverse coming out? Identity Discovery I don't even know how to word this all the way... or where to start... I... do not- I don't fully... identify as transgender any longer. Give me a moment to explain... When I began my journey to self discovery 5 years ago... I was... in a household of extremes... It was hard to sit down and love yourself or find out who you were... It was like spinning a roulette wheel of major emotions and feelings and tossing a dart and TransMasc stuck cause it's what felt the most well... it's how I thought I felt. Now I'm not just 180ing and being like I'm a straight woman named karen...not at all. I'm still Jay... I'm just a Jay who is... healing from an environment that didn't allow them to discover themselves fully. I feel I'm more educated on who I am. I feel much more gender fluid... I have Days where I'm completely okay with being a female now and days where I do want to be more masculine but now... Out of my abusive situation I find myself hating my own body... less... I don't feel... that dysphoria as I once did. I hope that doesn't change what you think of me... but I think I'm okay with just being a little they/them/it/she/he/egg/xylophone whatever I'm feeling that day. Cause everyday I'm Jay and... thats... becoming okay by me... Jay's kinda cool... you guys were right...

I guess I'm gonna have to sit down and uh make some art for my new model... Definitely more feminine but still very me. It's gonna be so wierd transitioning to a more comfortable androgynous area.

@GoblinDeezVT @BigPapaLemonTTV >:3 hehehehehehehehehe

@ChUwUnky You were 100% who I put down for the LGBTQ category <3 Before I even saw this lmao

Make sure ya get out there and vote! I made sure to nominate some amazing people that hopefully get recognized for all of the awesome things they do in the Vtubing community <3 @BigPapaLemonTTV I think what you're doing is an absolutely amazing thing for the vtubing community and you definitely deserve so much recognition <3 @Floofablue and Bun Bun for the cute little I voted Circle and Trophy's! <3

Get you a model mom that will scrap an entire model just to make sure you feel right in your skin. Her priority was making sure I was alright and celebrating me. ❤️ I'll scream it until I'm gone that I will have no other model mom than @lizziikuna ❤️

I don't expect to win anything but I always love stuff like this so get out there and have some fun! ❤️

Sometimes it's just people protecting their peace. If someone blocks you then you're not meant to be in their story. Respect that and continue on with your life. It's hard in a community where everybody knows everybody, but people are more likely to respect you for respecting boundaries.

@DJSHIRE This is the most understandable reply.

@momorail <3 Momo you're the best cheerleader

Funnily enough I think that's the part I've come to after so long is that at the end of the day we're all just human beings sharing a single body and I feel like being able to heal a bit and breathe brought that out of me. That I'm okay with being just... me... while I take time to heal.

That's also an absolute massive part of what played into it... out of a system of 50... at least 35-40 are men... and being in my old environment just made it easy to want to be that... yknow... it's such a wierd thing to explain their are so many conflicting things that led up to this.

Who knows... maybe once I'm in a more comfortable home maybe I start webcam streaming... I'm starting to grow to accept this is the body ill be growing old in and honestly... I'd rather not risk more potential medical issues... I'd rather live as long as my heart will let me beside my partner. Self discovery never really stops... I can take small steps like dressing how I want and working to make this body healthier. Maybe it's me getting older... but I genuinely just want to grow old with my wife and be a positive influence and a loving home for people.

The intrusive thought of, "If I had the knowledge I have now and stuck with a female model rather than a model that makes me comfortable I'd probably be double my size sucks." Intrusive thoughts p2. Also... I had someone tell me today that I'll never know the real struggles of being a woman and to them... I'm flattered you think so highly of me. But uh... I get my period every month just like you babes... transgender doesn't ALWAYS mean male to female... I'm biologically female... I was raised female... trust me honey I KNOW the real struggles women face daily. Why do you think I advocate for them?

Hit them with the, "I'm just... dissapointed..." Give em the sigh... and walk out of the room ignoring any advances and go do your own thing. Ignoring literally every advance. So long as this isnt a trigger for them it works decently well and always know that even simple day to day things can be safe worded. <3

After a long road of streaming I realized something... There are gonna be people bigger than you that dont agree with you or straight up don't like you... And it's gonna be hard because you're gonna feel like you're walking around on eggshells because it seems that everybody knows everybody in the vtubing community. And when they have a bigger community than you and people see you're blocked by them you're gonna feel like it's all over and you should give up. Don't give up please... everybody has their own stuff they go through. Not everybody is gonna get along in life and not everyone is gonna agree with how you handle things or how you're viewed. I'm blocked by plenty of people, and trust me that's not a flex at all because some of those people are so highly looked up to in the vtubing community that people see that block and assume the absolute worst. But you can't give up because of that some people just arent meant to be a part of your life or your book and it may make your journey harder or longer, but in the end it'll be entirely yours. Just because someone blocks you that's large doesnt mean you're a terrible person just because they have the reputation of a saint. Just make sure the world knows who YOU are and move from there. <3

I guess that sometimes a little kindness goes a long way. And I no longer have to worry about rent. Thank you so much @EclipsedVO you didn't have to at all and I just hope that... you genuinely find and get everything you've ever wanted in this lifetime. And know that kind souls deserve the absolute world. Guys please go show Eclipse some love their channels are filled with amazing content and they're awesome people.

@EclipsedVO @SakayruVT Easiest follow I've ever dropped. Keep doing great things man, even us professional haters can show some love every now and again.

I might finish some more of my remaining vgen comms today. I unfortunately may have to open some up again to kinda make some quick cash to make sure this rent gets paid. That charge back scam last month really put me behind. Maybe I'll make some chibi models and show examples to gauge interest... idk just brainstorming.