Jamie
@jami0mckay
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“You should be alive as you can until you're totally dead” Dylan Moran.
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Last Seen Profiles
Pinned Tweet
Out today on all your streaming platforms, or as my phone wants me to type: SCREAMING PLATFORMS.
🎶 High Hopes 🎶
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It is the 7 year anniversary of the most beautifully written paragraph in the history of the English language.
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Mark Francois is what happens if you fill Michael Gove with dairylea
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What you wear when you hear the bin lorry coming at 6:20 am and have to run downstairs to put the bins out
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Sky news just said if you're going outside, take food, warm clothing and stay in your car. I was only going to put the rubbish in the bin, this is going to take ages now.
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I still think about this tripadvisor review of Liverpool at least once a month
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I just Shazam'd my cat snoring and it turns out he's singing Lifted by The Lighthouse Family.
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🎶 Should auld acquaintance be forgot
And never brought to mind?🎶
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Does this mean Alan Sugar is going to buy the AutoTrader chat forum
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One Ring to rule them all,
One Ring to find them,
One Ring to bring them all and one ring to let Mum know you got home ok.
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Someone has dressed their Paddington bears in black suits (I know) and now all I can think about is a Paddington remake of Goodfellas.
“Whaddya mean I’m a funny bear? Funny how?”
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This is by
@bengoldacre
He isn't a politician or a celebrity.
He is an author, doctor & academic.
Please read.
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A feline thread follows.
On our dog walk today, Henri caught the scent of something. Dragged me down a farm track, and we found this
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Just a little bit of good news.
6th July: made redundant.
31st July: job interview, then offered the job AND they have an office dog.
This is the end of my TED talk.
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@mrnickharvey
8yr old started singing "Don't stop me now I'm having such a good time, I've summoned a mole!" To the Queen song.
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I love nature. Saw my 1st Prince of the season at the bottom of the garden today, eating the breadcrumbs I left out for the birds & managed to get this photo before he ran away
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I used to have an old oven tray that looked a bit like George Harrison.
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Not convinced that eating 4 pages of The Daily Mail could save your life, but hey it's better than reading it.
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I wish I was a little bit taller
I wish I was a baller
I wish I had a girl who looked good, I would call her
I wish I was a
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Overheard in Asda cafe yesterday:
“No I don’t want to log onto a portal, I just want a coffee. Everything’s got a portal these days you can’t go anywhere without getting stuck in a portal.”
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Don't know who made this (& will credit them if I find out) but if you suffer with anxiety I've found this v useful.
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Delighted to announce my guide to the Summer School Holidays has finally been published. Available now at all good bookshops!
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I just Shazam'd my cat snoring and it turns out he's singing Lifted by The Lighthouse Family.
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@donwinslow
If you watch Die Hard after watching Love Actually, then it’s a film about Alan Rickman getting punished for how he treated Emma Thompson.
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When you've been shopping at TK Maxx and don't want to pay for a carrier bag.
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I like to think that they live together like Inspector Clouseau and Cato.
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Parents: only a few weeks left, nearly there.
Schools:
Hey guys, this weeks activities are:
Dress Like A Tory Day
World Gregg Wallace Day
Michael Bolton Week
Bring A Bitcoin To School Day
Re-enactment of the 1990 World Cup at a venue with a car park capacity of 7. 2pm start.
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I read a comment that Vernon Kay is ‘too northern’ to take over from Ken Bruce on Radio 2…
That’s Ken Bruce, from Scotland, very much IN THE NORTH.
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Rest in peace Mr Fudge, a superstar until the end, you even gave us a 2 week encore, for which we will be eternally grateful.
One day, when the tears dry, they will turn into words to describe your adventures & how much you were loved. Until then, all I can say, is thank you ❤️
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Paul Hollywood’s New Year message looks like he’s stuck some text on cctv footage of a man wanted for stealing cars in Luton who was last seen in Marbella.
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@chrischirp
@Channel4News
Hi, just a quick thank you. After over a year of this, I’m glad you are doing what you do. We’ve yet another week and weekend of isolating, tests, 9&11 yr olds off school, worrying. You make a difference, give us hope, and you help.
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Anyway, by adding googly eyes, you can make the Apple logo look like a bear skidding to avoid an American football.
http://t.co/0NpXusdmby
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Just putting this down as a marker, but it's been 4 months to the day since I last had a panic attack. That's the longest I've gone without one since 2014.
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The Tarantino Star Trek script looks good then
I am never coming to London again. Khan. You have fucked my home town up.
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When you meet your boyfriend after you've both been buying clothes in the sales.
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Whenever I see a photo of The Cure they always look like someone has just stolen their tent.
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Gregg Wallace quotes in black & white look like lines from French films in the 1960s
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Enya should marry Richard Marx just so I can shout out "Get set, go!" when I hear her name. It's not too much to ask is it?
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And gave them to the lovely cat rescue lady who said she'd look after them and here endeth zee adventure.
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I’m just saying that since Kate Middleton went missing *someone* has been putting googly eyes on posters of Martin Kemp in Lytham St Annes and the locals are NOT amused.
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Overheard today:
"What's that?"
"It's a celeriac."
"What's it for?"
"It goes on Masterchef, I don't know what it does the rest of the time."
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Watching normal Netflix vs watching The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina.
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"Hello, what's your name?"
"I'm Gladys Knight."
"Yes me too, been a long day. What's your name?"
And that's how I got fired from Motown.
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@MooseAllain
Early winter morning commute to work and I asked the bus driver for a "return to the spaceship please?" Instead of "return to the station."
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My local Chinese Restaurant has started doing their own social media and it is AMAZING.
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There should be an app called WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? that you can point your phone at the tv or newspaper or twitter or racist uncle bob or Dagenham or bill oddie to find out what the hell is going on.
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Today seems like a good day to share Bob Mortimer’s rules for living.
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So we went back, looking for the little fella, Henri was on the scent again and, well look what we found.
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Homes Under the Hammer is on prime now and they’ve made it look like a romcom.
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I read this grumpy post on my local Facebook group in the voice of Eminem.
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I inadvertently managed to say the words "umbrage, haberdashery & palava" during a job interview today and terrible as that is, I think I've created an interesting firm of solicitors.
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If you're having a bad day you might like to know that someone in my office has just accidentally signed their own leaving card.
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it is time to look at this, the greatest photo ever taken, and have a minute's silence
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@sarajcox
Eastenders - so depressing for 30 years
Brioche Buns - too sweet for burgers
Nick Cave - sorry I have tried!
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Delighted to announce my guide to the School Holidays has finally been published just in time for Christmas!
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8 years since this tragic event. I still remember it like it was yesterday
#neverforget
#biltonlosthat
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Today I was reminded of the greatest review of The Muppets that the world has ever seen.
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Can’t wait for the Jeremy Vine show on Monday: What’s going on in Russia? We have Nigel Farage and Dr Sarah Jarvis to explain. Plus have you got a flip flop that looks like George Gershwin, and do mortgages work in an air fryer? Ok here’s Born To Run.
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Just found out one of the dogs my dog plays with most mornings has died. The owner still went on his walk but without his dog and was having to tell everyone. And for some reason I find that more sad than an actual person dying.
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I had a lie in today, bc its my birthday, all of an hour ish, and this is what I saw the very second I woke up.
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