my friend passed away. my other friend got diagnosed with advanced cancer. life is awful. it's important to be kind.

another song for steve cannon:

for steve cannon, i love you and i hate that the earth moves on past you:

even though steve cannon was blind i always hated leaving him in the dark when i left.

steve cannon: I been knowing that guy for about a hundred million years.

steve cannon rip used to say: here's the email: hi hi hi. low low low. happy funny bunny days. to each of you and yours. and love you madly, steve. thats all, put that laptop back and go back to the book. man that writer can go on and on.'

steve cannon: "depressed, whatcha gotta be depressed? So was that crazy girl I was talking. Everyone depressed? Why? You don't know what to do, You're a writer. you're just lazy,Whatcha you mean you don't know. now get me chicken noodle soup. two dollars extra shrimp.'

steve cannoncracked me up! on 3rd. the room is populated by mag. editors/interns/whoever else. steve's on futon. the phone rings and steve shouts above all the voices to the person on the phone: "i'm sorry i can't talk now i'm surrounded by incompetent people."

steve cannon rip: tell me how much is in my hand, Put the big pills on the outside. Get some hershey bars and whatever you want, hurry back I got to write an email. and that book. man, that writer goes on and on.

'no, i never heard of it. tell me about it.'

Before you run out here. Check to see if there’s a coffee on the microwave. Get me one more. Black. 2sugars.’ Steve cannon rip

Steve Cannon died. the father my real dad was too disinterested to be. I’d be overwhelmed about an application and he’d break it down: ‘Look on their website. Maybe they got a # listed. Now I want to hear the rest of the paper and check the email.

u try; running, take meds but it's there "something is wrong with u. fuck up. can't get a job. useless. u take, love is wasted on u. the world runs fine w/o u. why live? my book. maybe people feel this too.. every three hours i cry and then go back to writing.this is bipolar.

sometimes i scare myself.. i'm not alone. i'm always alone. i wake up and there's a hole. i'm so fucking tired of feeling useless. opposite of carpe diem. i don't want do this anymore.

Reviewed Russian doll:

When u find out what a ramekin is and hear it like five times in the next day and wonder if u never noticed and ask and turns out everyone u know knew what it was and u wonder how many things are common knowledge that somehow u don’t know

writing a novel about suicide. was thinking of suffering and pain and loss and to know it's not strength so much as laziness that's kept going. and that enormous hole of validation that needs fulfillment.

xmas poker? in the city on xmas be/c my relatives are unbearable. me and my best friend are chilling w/champgne and sarcasm. if you too happen to be share blood with people you can not be in the same room with hit me up.

suffering never made me stronger. pain doesnt make for character. its all just a mess. life is just time you have to waste

going to san fran. CA tomorrow. hopefully, will have plenty of time to NOT go see-sighting. like who cares that thing looks like the thing in the book? my dog is going for a change of scenery. I'm going to work and watch my dog enjoy the scenery.