Jack Mandaville
@jackmandaville
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Writer | Entertainer | 2nd grade spelling bee runner-up
San Antonio, TX
Joined September 2010
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Over 600k people died from 1861 to 1865 in a civil war. The unemployment rate in 1933 was 24.9%. Assasinations or attempted assasinations of public leaders in the 60s was rampant. Americans simply don't have a good grasp of history beyond their lifetime.
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Not a single general grade officer is going to be held responsible for all the equipment they left in Afghanistan and they’ll keep holding a command where specialists have to pay dearly for losing a canteen.
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Y’all remember that time Obama saluted those Marines with a coffee cup in his hand, or that time he had those Marines hold umbrellas, and bro-vets lost their f’n minds over his perceived disrespect of the military? I really want to know their take on the latest
@TheAtlantic
story
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Hey, if your timeline has been bombarded with nothing but politics the last two weeks and you’re getting burnt out, here’s some pictures of the best rainbow I’ve ever seen in my entire life.
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Dudes will obsessively talk shit about Jane Fonda for her Vietnam stunt then go driving around in their Ford truck like Henry Ford wasn’t openly in love with Hitler.
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A lot of people posting upside down American flags for Trump right now but none of my countrymen came to my aide when I was stuck at Charles de Gaulle airport in Paris in 2017 with the worst diarrhea of my life. Wow, America, I’ve never felt so unseen.
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Things to do today:
1) Say “fuck your feelings” to people on the internet and call them “snowflake.”
2) Get bent out of shape about what a 16-year-old Swedish girl says.
3) Refuse to see irony.
4) Collect my VA paycheck which is most of my income.
5) Nap.
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Dear Minnesota National Guard,
I know you've spent the last 15 years fighting Iraqi insurgents and the Taliban thousands of miles from home. But tonight, as you prepare to face Philadelphia Eagles fans, I just want to say Godspeed and thank you for your service.
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Hey, if you’re around my age and you’ve ever cringed at memories of how you thought or acted in your early twenties, just remember that you weren’t dumb enough to try to kill a former President/current Presidential candidate. You’re a normal person. Not a shitbag.
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The man partially responsible for the dumb shit I did as a kid.
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TIPS ON BEING A PIECE OF SHIT VETERAN:
Talk about how evil the federal government is and do a bunch of borderline weird anti-government militia shit while you solely rely on the VA for your healthcare.
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It’s not illegal to scream Allahu Akbar in the middle of a flight and then just continue on reading your People Magazine.
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Quarterbacks who get smashed by a 240 lb linebacker don’t make this face. Batters who take a 99 mph fastball to their body don’t make this face. Devin Booker isn’t just a bitch in his sport. He’s a complete bitch of a man. He has no self respect. He’s a coward. A shit human being
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My best friend is gone forever. The place feels empty without his violently loud snores and atrociously smelly farts. It’s never going to be the same without him. I’m grateful for every moment I had with him. Thank you to everyone who was a friend of Taco.
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If Call of Duty really wanted to do an accurate portrayal of troops at war, they would have a level where you’re a Soldier/Sailor/Marine/Airman sitting in a tent while playing Call of Duty.
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Two male Army officers get married at West Point. A photo surfaces of their ceremony. The "thank you for your service" crowd all of a sudden does a 180 on supporting the troops. The same crowd that worships the Spartans: the greatest ass fucking fighting force of all time.
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Called an old Marine buddy I haven’t seen in 14 years and he didn’t hesitate to switch to FaceTime while he was in the middle of a shower.
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OMG I can’t believe America is mourning the death of an athlete who was a master of his profession and inspired millions of young people when THOUSANDS of veterans have yet to receive their 3M ear plugs settlement check that they’re entitled to!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Boomers referring to 22 year olds as millennials because they have no fucking clue what a millennial is and 22 year olds referring to people in their 40s and early 50s as boomers because they have no fucking clue what a boomer is. That’s so Twitter.
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Everybody needs to calm down. I did one enlistment in the military twenty years ago. I’ll text Joe Biden on how to handle Iran.
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I’m ready to 22 myself. It wasn’t the war, I just want to make that clear. It’s knowing that people like her exist and have a voice.
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Every time I see videos of dudes who spent $15k to get yelled at for three days by “alpha male” influencers I’m grateful my dad was present in my life and told me he loved me.
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Rapid Engineer Deployable Heavy Operational Repair Squadron Engineers. RED HORSE, baby!
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I can’t believe Texas political officials have the nerve to talk about decency with this whole PornHub thing when our governor doesn’t even have the decency to stand for the National Anthem.
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I had that nightmare again where I’m 98 years old and my dick hasn’t worked in 35 years and I’ve outlived every non family member I gave a shit about and they parade me around town on the 4th of July in my wheelchair and make me wear an “Iraq War Vet” hat.
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I can’t say it enough, the majority of people in North America are descended from people who braved oceans and treacherous journeys through unrelenting terrain and y’all are having meltdowns at the airport because your domestic flight has a gate change 500 feet away.
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Shirts like this are the reason why a substantial portion of the population talk to/about veterans like they're 5 year olds or developmentally disabled.
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I ate Zebra meat for the first time today. I got work with so many people I’ve known and loved over the years. But I gotta say meeting British Rambo from the 2019 Kenyan hotel siege was a highlight. One of the kindest, most soft-spoken, and unassuming men on earth. A real man.
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I really can’t wait for the 4th of July to watch all the people who incessantly talk about Flag Code like it’s the gospel violate Flag Code on almost every level.
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Thank you for your take on the Ukrainian-Russian War, John from Akron, OH who got out of the Army as a corporal in 2012 and is one of the top insurance salesmen in the northwest suburbs of Akron.
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Heading to France. I hope French toilets can handle my fat powerful American shits.
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I was in northern France for like 15 minutes today and I already saw a guy riding his bike with a cigarette dangling from his mouth holding a baguette in his hand and people still try to tell me that stereotyping is bad 😂
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75% of men who wash their hands in public restrooms are doing so under societal pressure.
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I just want to thank the veterans out there who aren’t calling for violence against a 14-year-old for vandalizing a monument. Not murder. Not assault. Not burglary. A monument that can be replaced. And a realistic punishment and learning opportunity.
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I have a project I’m pouring my heart into that’s supposed to release like 4 days after the presidential election and my only hope is that people will be so sick of the news and shitty Internet takes at that point that they’ll watch it purely to disconnect. Or maybe it’s fucked😂
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Just tweeting to remind people that Mel Brooks is still alive and the world is a better place because of that.
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If you can’t handle me at my buying presents 5 days before Christmas, then you don’t deserve me at my here’s an Applebee’s gift card for $20.
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Alcohol breaks down bone health. Arthritis runs in my family. Thinking I need to be smart and start ordering Jack and Milk from now on.
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“Why the hell are the gays seeking so much attention during Pride Month for something they chose,” asks veteran in moto t-shirt and hat that has Iraq campaign ribbons on it
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One day you’re going to be 40. Alcohol and drugs will lose their fun. Sex will just be something that’s nice but not consuming you. Meeting new people, no matter who they are, will seem like a chore. But you will absolutely lose your shit when you see a good rainbow.
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“Hey, what’s 40 like?”
“I’m financially secure, I spend my downtime watching baseball and historical documentaries on tv, and I assume every new physical ache I have is either leading to a heart attack or cancer.”
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Oh trust me, nobody would suspect someone wearing a Facebook ad shirt went to Harvard. No need to clarify.
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I relapsed today. It’s been over 10 years since I quoted Borat in his voice.
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Every time I start getting down about myself for something relatively inconsequential I remember that at least I’ve never paid an ex-SOF guy $15k to yell at me for five days so I can feel more like a man.
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A reality show where it’s just a guy in a van named Dave picking up Amish people for their Rumspringa and taking them straight to Taco Bell and then most of the rest of the episode is them talking about how badly they want to go back to their families.
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One time in 2004 I was in the middle of pooping while on a Navy ship and a dude fell overboard and all the sirens were going off and people were running around yelling at us to get in our beds for an accountability check. I’ve never been able to poop comfortably since then.
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15 years ago I was scraping for the last bit of cocaine out of a bag and 30 seconds ago I was dumping the last remnants of powder from a plastic Tums box into my mouth.
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At an AirBnb and I’m pretty pissed off that Vincent who left his Hulu logged in is too cheap to pay for it without ads.
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On this day in 2018, another Walmart patriot, whose only contribution to the country is being a semi-hot chick that wraps herself in a flag and takes glam shots with guns, lectures her generation on “real” patriotism as they inherit the longest war in American history.
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A horde of about 50+ kids with orders to basic training just preboarded my flight and clogged everything up. I just realized I hate the troops until I land in Atlanta.
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Bro you literally get 10% off at Applebee’s. F’n millennials, man.
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Facts.
Fear an old man in a profession where men die young.
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I have always despised loud phone talkers at the airport until today when the guy was talking about how bad his diarrhea was within earshot of 4 gates.
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I've professionally worked in social media for well over 5 years. I just want you to know that differentiating between a troll and a genuinely stupid person will never be a perfect science.
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I only support the troops and veterans when they think exactly like me.
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Dude’s really calling other men lazy from a firehouse. Bro, you work 3 days a week.
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One of the biggest professional and personal honors I’ve ever had was getting to sit down with these gentlemen and help tell their stories from D-Day. If you have any time, I highly recommend giving it a watch.
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22 veterans a day commit suicide but it’s unfortunately never the assholes who buy these shirts.
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People whose ancestors took boats across oceans to never see their families again and travelled thousands of miles in covered wagons have meltdowns when there’s a gate change at the airport and they have to walk 200 yards.
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What are some lesser-known architectural wonders?
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Austin people are so quick to tell me how sunscreen has bad chemicals in it. Cool, I’ve watched my dad deal with skin cancer for 25 yrs so I’m dousing myself in this shit. Have fun with your ketamine treatments, crystal therapy, & unresolved childhood traumas for being born rich
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I haven’t been this happy since the Bin Laden raid. We got him.
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I really can’t fathom all these people taking a shit on a 1 hour flight. My countrymen are weak.
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Just a reminder that Mel Brooks is still alive and the world is better because of that.
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Airport layovers don’t count as cities or countries you’ve visited. Sorry.
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Only unaccomplished nostalgia-simps think Americanism is about bloodlines. Those who come here from any nation, ethnicity, class, or timeline and make good on the dream are pure American.
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I’ve been on this hell app long enough to see a consistent theme of white boomer ladies clutching their pearls when some video is posted of modern troops being idiots (as troops do) then talking about the nobility of their dads in WWII. “They oughta be ashamed” type shit.
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Elect me dictator of America and I promise you that I’ll be dishing out life sentences to people who stand in line at a fast food restaurants for 15 minutes and not know what they want when they get to the register.
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Somewhere in America right now—as Boomer, Gen X, and millennial politicians eat each other alive—wheelchair-bound Jimmy Carter is building homes for low income people and generally being a nice guy in his final days on this planet.
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Oh man, can you imagine being a Uvalde police officer who listened to children scream and die and did absolutely nothing about it and then you’ve seen footage of Nashville cops actually do their job and you still haven’t turned your service pistol on yourself yet out of shame?
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Pfizer boosted so I can safely share needles with my family this Christmas.
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Akron, Ohio
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My 8-yr-old bulldog puked this thing up last night. I had never seen it before and was super perplexed. It read, SOOTHIE. I called my sister (who was his previous owner 4 years ago). Turns out he used to eat my nephews’ pacifiers. Dude carried this in his stomach for 6 yrs. 😂
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Somewhere in America right now there’s a 40-year-old man intently watching an Instagram reel from a 25-year-old motivational speaker who specializes in real estate and is super vague about his actual income.
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Dudes who created AI music software: This will revolutionize musical storytelling.
Me: I’m going to make a song about Captain Crunch being on Epstein’s Island.
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I’ve been around a lot of retired athletes over the years. Dudes who did 10+ years in major sports leagues and have a good amount of money in the bank but a lot of them clearly have lost their purpose in life by 40 and it’s kinda sad. RJ is living his true purpose and it’s great!
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@TLCplMax
“Oh my god, you have to go to _____! It’s authentic ______ food and so real.”
Yeah but I can literally get anything I want at Cheesecake Factory in portions the size of Saturn.
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Made it to Vegas during SHOT. Can’t wait for overcompensating handshakes from HGH-fueled dudes who have been in the tactical industry for 2 years and to be talked down to by microinfluencers.
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I would have been all-pro if I played football in the 60s.
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SOCIETY: How do you know you're well into your thirties?
ME: I just liked a guy's photo on Instagram because his lawn was really green and nicely cut. Literally nothing else was going on in the picture.
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This is my best friend. He’s turning 8. He got really sick a few months ago. Lost almost 20 lbs. I’ve spent over $8k to put him on the mend. I will do anything I can to keep hearing his freight train snores and smell his silent-but-violent farts for years to come.
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Dear Dad,
Do you remember that time you yelled at me to mow the lawn when I was 12? Well you're 73 now and I could beat your ass if I wanted to. Remember that.
Your loving son,
Jack
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I’ve seen people I love retire after a lifetime of hard work only to watch the news all day and be angry about politics. I’ve come to realize I would rather die of a stress-induced heart attack inside of a lonely cubicle at age 57 than have to see the day where I get angry at tv.
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Truly humbling to be in a country like France where Benjamin Franklin banged so many local chicks.
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IF WHITE PRIVILIGE IS REAL THAN WHY DID MY 8TH GRADE ENGLISH TEECHER MRS. OLSON GIVE ME A D+ ON SPELLING TEST?!?!?!
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