Ivo Graham
@IvoGraham
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15 largely southern autumn tour dates of a comedy show that is now called Grand Design
Joined April 2009
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Back on the road in two weeks with a very fun and ever so slightly retitled comedy show
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Pfizer vaccine: effective, protective and safe
Modena vaccine: effective, protective and safe
Oxford vaccine: effective, protective, and safe
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Said “get a zoom” to two people flirting on a video chat earlier and though no one really noticed, it remains the highlight of an otherwise very uneventful day
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Just missed a train because I tried to get in and out of a curry house in twenty minutes. Agonisingly close. We go again
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There are people who were in the Queue for 2% of Truss's time as PM
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It’s coming home
It’s coming home
It’s coming home
It’s dare
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Accidentally took my daughter’s lunchbox back to the car after dropping her at nursery. Mistake rectified in less than a minute but still enough time for the whole class to be co ordinated to shout “silly daddy” on my return. The walk of shame
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PM in the fridge, Brexit in the oven, NHS on the table, Union in the bin
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Johnson’s announcement 🤝 Johnson’s children
5 but it’s actually 6
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In most Tory governments you get sacked immediately if they find out you went to Durham
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Real belly laughs at this last night. The best 2 Good 2 Bad ever?
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Love the cheery oblivious way my daughter sings along to “the babies on the bus go waa waa waa”. That’s you mate. You’re being lampooned
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Suspicions that I’ve ghostwritten my six week old daughter’s card to her mother will not be helped by her use of the word “herculean”
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Fitting that the attempt to remove relegation from football lasted from the 18th to the 20th
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Hate my phone and the life altering damage it's already done to my brain, but when i get sent a verification code and it comes straight up on the screen without me having to go to my texts? I don't mind that
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Euro 2044. England play Scotland in their first competitive match in 2+ decades, and the week’s buildup is dominated by highlights of the great stalemate of 2021. An English defender gets a “Stones trim” to commemorate the legendary header that hit the post
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You can’t help but feel this wasn’t the centenary year the 1922 committee originally envisioned
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I think ultimately you’d have to say Oprah’s gone a bit deeper than Corden here
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Over the moon to conclude this saga with the news that tomorrow’s Swindon programme will list me as the proud sponsor of third choice goalkeeper Archie Matthews
Probably the high point of yesterday’s fairly turgid affair at the County Ground was discovering that the “player sponsors” page of the programme now comes with excruciating mugshots of the lads pointing towards their benefactors
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Hate when you’re trying to use Apple Pay at Waitrose but that impulse pack of Duchy Originals has pushed you over the 10 grand threshold
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What a legacy
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Briefly worried that my daughter would question whether Father Christmas would use wrapping paper with his own face on it, but she’s two and I may be overthinking this in the excitement
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How many other people just learned Gary Neville was on Dragons Den because they tuned in for the Traitors at 20:58
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Dominic Cummings driving to Barnard Castle to find out if Andrew Murrison's resigned
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To all the haters from school who said I would never hit puberty/lose my virginity: my GIRLFRIEND has just told me to SHAVE so my STUBBLE doesn't scratch our DAUGHTER
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Always lovely to arrive at Inverness Tesco and be greeted by a low res Andy Robertson cut out and an energy drink football match where the Monsters are in goal
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Still struggling to see how any voter’s first priority in this election could be anything other than the total and final humiliation of Boris Johnson as a person
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Gave up on parking my car in this space yesterday. Had three goes, bottled it and went somewhere else, walked back past it and took a photo to shame myself. Absolutely pathetic.
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Rishi: eat out
Boris: sell out
Gavin: school’s out
Priti: get out
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Instead of the usual campaigning, each party should make their own John Lewis Christmas advert and then we all vote on our favourite one of those
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Riled a wedding DJ by referring to Mr Brightside as “low hanging fruit”, and you know what, I’d do it again
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2010: whole life ahead of me
2020: quite a lot of paths closed off now to be fair
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France lost on penalties to Switzerland who lost on penalties to Spain who lost on penalties to Italy who
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Do I enjoy randomly appointing people to judicial positions? I’ll let you be the judge of that.
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My daughter (4 with strong designs on 5) has now twice asked in the car for a song I apparently played on a portable speaker at a playground in July. I have no idea what it is. I no doubt have failed and will fail her in many less trivial ways but my this one is sending me mad
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72 hours for Gerrard to send Everton down and give Liverpool the title
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Bereft doesn’t cover it really. I loved doing this show so much, and could not have asked for merrier taskmates or a more supportive crew, right up to turning these simply outlandish threads round at only a few hours’ notice on the final day. Off to sit in the shed for a bit
Thank you to these five and all involved for another great series of
#Taskmaster
and a HUGE congratulations to the series winner (who we won’t announce just yet in case you missed the episode)
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We worked out what the song was today and it was one of the best moments of my life ❤️
My daughter (4 with strong designs on 5) has now twice asked in the car for a song I apparently played on a portable speaker at a playground in July. I have no idea what it is. I no doubt have failed and will fail her in many less trivial ways but my this one is sending me mad
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Today my cusp-of-five-year-old, choosing an outfit, “don’t be sad, socks, I’m sure I’ll choose you later” to a pair that didn’t quite make the cut. Need to keep a lid on too much tweeting like this but that was really an all-timer for me
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The writer Ernest Hemingway was once challenged to write the saddest story that could be told in only six words. He thought for a time, then simply wrote:
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Just got ripped to shreds on a stag do for not having listened to the latest Rory Stewart and Alastair Campbell podcast
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Time travelling to Barcelona 1999 to tell Man United fans that in the long run this is actually quite bad news
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Lockdown’s going to be like one of those long haul flights where you spend most of it losing your mind, then the plane goes in to land and you get annoyed because you’ve still got 20 minutes of Step Brothers left to watch
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Texting my mother to thank her for being such an inspirational woman in my life, while carefully holding back some of the more mothering-specific material for Sunday’s card
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Delighted to share my stream of consciousness truth approx. 30 seconds after finishing the race
"I didn't vaseline my nipples. The first third was chafe city" 🤣
We've all been there,
@IvoGraham
😖 Congratulations and we hope you're recovering well from Sunday!
#LondonMarathon
#WeRunTogether
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Girlfriends around the country explaining the public vote using salt and pepper pots
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We did it
This time next week me and my brother will be wheezing our way around the Isle of Dogs. We’re delighted to have hit our sponsorship target but all donations still v welcome!
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I’m afraid I’ve been the victim of several more pranks
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Haven’t managed to sneak “Frankly, my tier? I don’t give a damn” into a conversation yet, but even just knowing I have it up my sleeve is a huge confidence booster
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Alas, I swerved true punishment for my Wicked Ways, getting a shameful but cheap cab to Southampton Central in time for a train that has just got me in to Waterloo more quickly than the Totton 9:52 would have done. Apologies for quite how long this thread has taken. Over and out
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When you’re not 100% sure of your own feelings but reckon you can push it through on a technicality
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Fantastic revelation on TMS that Alastair Cook initially didn’t tell his wife about his retirement because he didn’t want to dampen spirits after the Inbetweeners Movie
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Absolutely colossal wakawow incoming
Some days you know the Newsnight guitar wakawow is really going to hit
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Will the hapless bunch of islanders have enough food to survive now they’ve cut themselves off from the mainland? Find out on today’s episode of the News, 10pm tonight, straight after Shipwrecked
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Gareth just laying demon after demon to rest. Penalties three years ago. Germany tonight. Pizza Hut surely to go into administration by Christmas
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Wives the British press would prefer Harry to have had:
Scarlett Johansson
Florence Pugh
Laura Dern
Margot Robbie
Margot Robbie
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Could not be more grateful for this incredible experience which I also fear is going to be very embarrassing. 9pm, Channel 4
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Taylor Swift to re record all the old Premier Leagues with even better production
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It’s starting to become clear just how poor Panama really were actually
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Normal People makes me wish I could go back to uni and do it all over again, and by “it” I mean “be one of the posh twats in the background of someone else’s love story”
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Absolutely smashed my lifetime PB for talking about how it was hot earlier in the week but it is cold now
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Any narrative momentum is now being scrambled by the signal on the train I have since caught. However, I have seen some replies come in about my decision to dine in rather than take away. Despite the venture’s failure I’m still proud to say: taking away never even crossed my mind
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Oh, good, the official Channel 4 account
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Content as trivial as ever, but some real cinematic gusto in my first football punditry of 2021, filmed in two separate locations ahead of Friday's west London derby. SW6!
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Jools’s face a picture as Sheeran blows the pre record gaff by revealing that Ipswich are losing to Barrow “right now”
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The situation at 9:47 (Cobra downed upon departure) and the bill. I appear to have only been charged for two of the three poppadoms. I simply must return to Jalfrezy and make amends. But not now
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I have had some bad games of 5 a side football recently, but today is the first I would ever award myself the full 0/10 for. At one point I did a pass so wayward that our ringer, who has never met me before, muttered, audibly and quite legitimately, “what the fuck was that”
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The high point of my series, in a pretty uncontested field
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Completed my 50km and confirmed as an MS Society ambassador. What a feeling
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Told off for pointing out disqualification offences at the nursery sports day
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In the car listening to this epic Wimbledon clash, between the 5 Live commentator who pronounces it Alcaraz and his colleague who pronounces it Alcarath
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Some jammy little shit is going to be tuning into Match of the Day 2 later not knowing any of this
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The excruciating self loathing of texting someone to ask a favour and having to start it with a “ha yeah” to a joke you didn’t reply to two months ago
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Portman Road famously sponsored by Monica’s fake orgasm in Friends
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After securing his people an exclusive £10 discount at Pizza Express, Rishi Sunak announces his new policy: 30% off a DFS sofa
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So many amazing photos like this coming through. I loved last Sunday so much. Also for balance: I was coughing up quite a lot of this confetti throughout the final half mile of the run
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Lost my wallet last week and someone has found it and sent it to me using the address on my driving licence. Haven’t had the best luck with unwittingly revealing my whereabouts this year but that’s really made my day. Thank you kind stranger who knows where I live
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Staying close to home (in both senses) for this week's Loftus Road broadcast, as featured on The Football's On (
@btsport
tonight, 8:15) and for the specific attention of
@chazaustin10
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