🌌kristina 🌌
@inurnightdress
Followers
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Following
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Statuses
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Alex Turner's favorite mistress/Samuel L Jackson of moms/SALSA TITS https://t.co/FXGDC5Fus0
southerngirlwithascarletdrawl
Joined July 2013
Now that Gen X is all old and falling apart, REM should remake Everybody Hurts for an Ibuprofen ad.
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If you're seated beside me at a serious function, you're gonna be screwed. And if you're hot and funny, you'll probably be screwed again.
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My co worker is offended by the word pleasurable, if you're wondering what kind of fun crowd I hang out with every day.
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I would shake my money maker, but I'd probably only make a buck fifty in sympathy pennies.
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We should all be getting laid far more than we are on here. Don't you all agree?.
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How am I almost 50 years old and I've just been asked to be someone's pimp for the first time?.
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Don't let this innocent face fool you, I will eat and drink more than anyone at the bar tonight! Gluttony will be mine! Have a good Saturday night, Twitter! 🔥
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It's laundry day, which means I'm going commando with 2 different Christmas socks on. I wish this was a joke tweet.
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Men on Twitter pop up faster than Dollar General stores.
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The 19 year old male spawn couldn't open the 2 liter soda. I opened it right up and said "ya gotta put some ass behind it".
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The biggest lie ever told is "There are hot singles in your area".
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They should put speed in Ibuprofen for the over 40 crowd. Kill the pain and do all the things.
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Do you also have the temptation to leave the country and start over, or are you normal?.
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Last year I couldn't be more sadder and this year I couldn't be happier. 😍 so thankful. My heart feels like it could burst.
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I just wanna text that says "Will you limbo under this police tape at Waffle House at 3am and have hashbrowns with me".
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People like to show their butts on hump day, but not me. I like to show my ass every day, cause I'm a troublemaker.
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No matter how bad your day was, just come to the south. We probably have a casserole to remedy that. And probably some moonshine too.
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You're whores. the whole lot of you. Likeable whores, but whores, nonetheless.
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The family Thanksgiving group chat is already turning political. Can I just start drinking now?.
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49 in about 7 1/2 weeks. And I'm perfectly content with that. How about you?
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Get yourself a southern girl. We have the best accents, will cook you a good meal and then skinny dip in the creek with you.
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So tired of looking at trees. I need a beach and a cold drink, stat. Happy Sunday, Twitter.
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There's not much that a big handful of voluptuous curves can't fix.
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Let's throw an air mattress in the back of a truck and sleep under the stars tonight.
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Sometimes you just gotta accept the fact that you're not that important to people.
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Pro tip- If your ex messages you, wait a couple of hours then message them back "sorry I was fucking someone else to the playlist I made you". They love that.
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Little me- Gag me with a spoon.Big me- Gag me, then spoon me.
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Today's a good day to accidentally slide into their DMs.
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Fuck your zodiac sign, tell me what kind of old car you wanna restore with me.
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Mini tater tots mean you can just eat more of them, right?.
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I think you're sweet so I wanna get salty with you. And by salty, I mean sweaty. And by sweaty, I mean naked.
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30 and up drop a pic with your age. 48
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Those people that make you feel truly adored? Yeah, keep them.
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It's kinda tough having kids when one of your biggest pet peeves is kids.
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When the bar says 80s costumes, you bring your best midlife crisis Punky Brewster 🌈 💕
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You should always start your birthday with a side of diabetes, no?
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My grandmother used to tell people that she was still 17 years old "from the waist down". So if you're wondering what's wrong with me, it's probably just genetic.
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If you make one true friend here, this place is totally worth it.
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@deadpoet______ If you're a spiritual person, to your knees. If not, any place that will bring you joy. Keep your head up. ❤️.
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It's ok, Elon, we're Gen X. We'll just come in when the streetlights come on.
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I have no job, a broken car, a sick kid and a dead frog. Isn't this what country songs are made of? If you need me, I'll be at the bar.
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I don't know why people beg for sweater weather, give me bikini in Barbados weather every day.
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10's favorite dish is buttered pasta, and if anyone came into my house and didn't know that, I'd have to explain our little notes. 🤦♀️🤣🤣💀
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Sex can be cheap. Relationships can be expensive. But love? Love is always priceless.
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Gonna make a lasagna today so I can Garfield it up tomorrow.
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I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?.
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I hope you men got new boxers today and threw away those raggedy ones!!.
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I like to party, and by party, I mean make a bunch of pizza rolls and sit on my ass in fluffy pajamas.
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Don't worry about if their carpet matches their drapes. Just worry about if the carpet has been shampooed or not, ok?.
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Let's skip work and sit on the porch and listen to Otis Redding and Sam Cooke today.
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Sometimes you just have to send your wishes out into the ether and hope for one to stick.
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Sometimes, when I'm high, I mistake Grimace for Barney.
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If you throw a pebble in my vagina it makes a bing sound, like the empty unexplored cavern that it is.
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If you don't sing with me in the kitchen, I won't feed you.
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The pervert in me is the pervert in you. *deep Twitter. Wait. what?.
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Update- I was told on Friday I got the new job I interviewed for. Big win for me 🎉. Less hours and way less stress. You all will be hearing more from me beginning next month. I'm sorry. 😆.
True story- we had hamburgers today at school, and I asked the cook to give me a few pickles. Apparently, it was my boss' personal jar (unlabeled) and she got mad about it. Reason 13,789 to leave that bitch.
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I could really go for a slap on the ass and a panini right now.
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Last night's smoky eye becoming this morning's trash panda is a complete look for me today.
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Whether you're a screamer or a moaner, just make some kind of noise. .
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Pass out beside me, I'm gonna put you on blast. Love this drunk whore! 🥰
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I've spent my whole week off sick in bed on vacation, so the only mountains I've seen are my tits 😂. But I'm starting to come alive again. Hope you Twitter heathens have enjoyed your holidays! Happy Friday or whatever day this is! 😆
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When you find out he wanted bulgur wheat, not vulgar wheat, and now you gotta delete these pics of you standing nude in a field.
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The most dangerous thing in the world will forever be your own mind.
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I've had the week from hell. Spent 9 hours moving the bulk of my kids' college crap home yesterday. Ugh, and tons of stuff still to do today. But I still found the time to nerd out yesterday. Happy Revenge of the 5th and Cinco de Mayo, Twitter! 🌮🎊
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27 Days til Boom Boom Room Side B and 65 Days until I get to see them and meet them!!!! 😍 @PalayeRoyale.
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I would wrestle you to death for the last pickle in the jar, but if I really like you, I'll let you have it.
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20 years ago today, I became a mom for the first time, and life has been pretty magical ever since. Happy Birthday to my baby boy! 🎂❤️
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Let's have Reese's pumpkins for breakfast and go back to bed.
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A southern girl will make a pot of chicken and dumplings about it!
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All I ever wanted, all I ever needed is here in my arms.
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Let's ditch work and go split some wine coolers and pretend like we're teenagers again.
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Do Canadian girls have stripper names like Beaver Pelt??.
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I'm not sure, but I think the clown cookies at the Argentinian bakery have seen some shit
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Sorry I've been away lately. I've been focusing on real life at the moment, and it's never been more amazing. So I'm going to keep doing it. 😊.
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In my mind's eye, Matthew Perry didn't die. He simply moved to Yemen.
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Thursday is the "step on a lego" day of the week and you can't change my mind.
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So about a year ago, I had to get a CT scan on my neck where they run the dye IV. I was telling them how the dye hits you with that I gotta pee/orgasmic feeling and how pleasurable it was. She was like "oh stop with that word" So now I use it as often as possible 🤣🤣🤣.
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💪Let's go shape some young minds today. Good morning, Twitter. Happy Thursday! 😊
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Maybe I don't wanna leave my milkshake in the yard to bring the boys over. Maybe I just wanna leave out gin and juice to get Snoop Dogg over here.
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I assumed that getting older meant more bone breaks and less heart breaks. I think they lied to us.
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Our Bed Bath and Beyond is closing. I guess they finally reached the beyond.
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I haven't told anyone to kiss my ass yet today, so I log onto Twitter, knowing y'all will make it happen.
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21 years ago today I got married. I was so nervous before the wedding that I shotgunned a couple of beers. I should've just kept going til I passed out. See kids, romance isn't dead. It's alive and well. at other people's houses!.
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Morning, vicious trollops. Happy Friday and happy weekend! Hope you're caffeinated and ready to knock out this day! 🎉
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When someone sends me a song and says "this reminded me of you", that's my love language. Bring back mixtapes. Am I right???.
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I wanna make an eclipse day playlist. So, send me your favorite songs with the words sun, moon, eclipse, cover or dark in the title.
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Some people should come with a dangerous hazard sign. Others should come with a complete detour sign.
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I think we're all in need of a proper slow dance that leads upstairs.
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