Ian Stone ON TOUR 2024
@iandstone
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Comedian, presenter, writer, podcaster. Arsenal. Ian Stone is Keeping it Together tour, 2024. Go to my website for tickets
In the City
Joined February 2009
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The Tories want to bring back fox hunting. Labour wants free car parking at hospitals. So many difficult choices in this election
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They’ve convicted a former President before they’ve convicted Manchester City
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Sean used to do a bit about how if you twisted the popes head and then pushed it down, he was full of sweets. The delight on his face when he said it. Never laughed so hard in my life. Was doing The Comedy Store one weekend and I watched him do all five shows just to see that bit
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Once they've given everyone the vaccine, maybe they can get to work sorting out why we can't watch regional news on BBC1 in HD
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Anyone tweeting that Ronaldo should come to Arsenal should be banned from the Emirates
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Chelsea fans singing 'you bought it all' to City fans. Irony
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If someone did this to me on live telly, I'd resign from the shame.
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I was bullied at school. On occasion, I was bullied at work as well. I’m fifty seven now but reading about Priti Patel, I realise that those feelings of worthlessness are still there. Sickening that this government have chosen to ignore how she behaved
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Listening to Tottenham fans on 606 saying they need to sell the club to owners who’ve got some ambition six months after moving into a billion pound stadium is very entertaining
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I thought that aside from the penalty, Szczesny had a decent game
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Horseracing? I didn't spend ten weeks indoors for fucking horseracing
Thanks to the nation’s resolve, horseracing is back from Monday
Wonderful news for our wonderful sport
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Neville's disgust with Liverpool, Manchester United and Arsenal is shared by all proper fans of those clubs. No-one wants this
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We consecrated my mother’s gravestone today. A socially distanced affair where me and my sister told a few stories about her. The ‘could you just...’ is because she’d always ask us to do something for her just as we were putting our coats on to leave. She’d have found it funny
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Did a gig tonight with anti-vaxxers in the audience who, when I jokingly said that it’s like nazi Germany in this country, started clapping and cheering. Closed the gig with ‘fuck you and fuck what you think’. Felt good
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I'm all for closing the borders the next time she's on a foreign holiday
“We should completely close the borders … enough is enough”
This audience member says the number of people ’flooding in’ to the UK is costing public services too much.
#bbcqt
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This is the Chelsea I grew up with. And I'm all for it.
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First time wearing this beauty. Not superstitious but I’m never taking it off. Time to believe
#arsenal
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You know what’s interesting about Manchester City?
Nothing at all. Not a thing. Great manager, wonderful players. And I couldn’t give a shit. If Arsenal weren’t involved, I’d have switched off months ago. I’ve got City fans who are mates and we never speak about football. Cos….
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It’s Edgware Road in London. Had many a felafel and juice down there. Brilliant part of a great city. If you don’t like it stay away. Moron
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27% of Britons think that Boris Johnson is an honest person. I imagine most of those are his children
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I would kill right now for a Sky Super Sunday of Burnley v Norwich
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So everyone says that the problem with PR is that you end up with lunatic fringe parties holding the balance of power. Whereas FPTP....
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How many times is it acceptable to watch the highlights from yesterday before it becomes a problem?
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If he really wants to take the piss, Mikel should bring on Cedric
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Been watching Arsenal for forty five years. Seen some terrible teams. But never felt so disengaged. Sorry state of affairs
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@Orbinho
fair point but does Ivan Toney not have the shot because Arsenal are playing a more controlled game because we're 1-0 up?
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The Sun, The Mail and The Express have endorsed Theresa May. If anyone still wanted a reason to vote Labour, there it is
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I know 2018 has been awful but if Liverpool or Spurs win the title, 2019 will be worse
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The shittest season ends in the best way. Brilliant Arsenal
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Oh My God. That was outstanding Arsenal. Mikel Arteta you fucking beauty
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Just love listening to Jermaine Jenas do co-commentary when Spurs lose. So miserable. Cracks me up
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Stoke going down. I have mixed feelings. One part of me is elated, the other part of me is merely delighted
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As much as that is a great result for Arsenal, it’s also the sort of result that disheartens their rivals. Man United, Spurs and West Ham would’ve looked at that game and hoped for dropped points. Really excellent from our boys
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Dull game. Stoke fans singing “is this a library?” But it isn’t a library because if it was a library, Stoke fans wouldn’t be in it
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This is the clip I've watched the most today. Watching Claudia Winkleman lose her shit makes me so happy. RIP mate x
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@LSwitlyk
do you ever look at yourself in the mirror and wonder why you’re so damaged that you need to shoot beautiful animals?
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@GaryLineker
are they hoping for the new manager bounce for the last two games of the season?
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Jeremy Corbyn to be challenged by Owen Smith. Good old Owen. I've always liked him since two days ago when I first heard of him
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As Andy Warhol said, everyone will be Tottenham manager for fifteen minutes
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All these positive comments about Handbrake Off have been a joy to read. Thanks. I love doing it. See you next season
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@GaryLineker
I’d say that if there’s one time to have a nuclear deterrent, it’s when there’s a madman in charge of a country with nukes. Which is what we have right now. Doesn’t stop the invasion of Ukraine but it wasn’t designed to. I have no idea whether this argument holds water
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Even with the MBE’s and the golden boots and the in demand manager and all the rest of it, at the end of the day, when all’s said and done, they’re still Tottenham
#TOTWOL
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Just had a conversation with the boy about possibly going to a parade tomorrow and thinking about how no Tottenham fan under the age of seventy five has ever had that conversation
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You think that Saudi Arabia are shit? Wait till there are forty eight teams in 2026
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Every time Cesc pings a perfect sixty yard pass for Chelsea, a little piece of me dies
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I'm personally hoping for a 250 seat Labour majority, the Tories relegated to third and the Lib Dems to become the official opposition and for Hunt, Shapps, Rees Mogg and Sunak to lose their seats. And George Galloway. And for Farage to lose by a single vote. Too much?
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@GaryLineker
What does one want?
To open the bridge
When does one want it?
As soon as it’s convenient
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@patcondell
He said the architects Pat, not the supporters. You can’t say he’s misrepresented Brexit and then misrepresent the article
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UKIP got 24% in Sunderland. What the hell have they got against immigrants? Gus Poyet kept them up
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It was Willian after all! That’s what made us shit. I’d have had all my money on Xhaka
#arsenal
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One more thing. We came off the pitch on Wednesday night around 9-30 having lost the lead in the league. And on Saturday morning, we came back twice to win 4-2. Outstanding Arsenal
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Before tonight, I don’t think I’ve ever watched Arsenal and thought I wish I was at home watching Question Time
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Too angry to get into the blame game on here. But I think social media has been an absolute disaster for the left. All that positive reinforcement and affirmation from people who think the same way is not healthy
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The late middle aged overweight Jewish five a side game is back on. Pray for us
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And THAT is why they built that stadium. For big European nights like that
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Just got home having sort of got over the result today. Now I read that the VAR Lee Mason forgot (FORGOT!!) to draw the lines on the Brentford goal and I’m pissed off all over again but on a whole other level.
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@gunnerblog
@TheAthleticUK
I'd like him to stay for the rest of his career, move upstairs in a sort of advisory role, have a statue commissioned outside the ground and ultimately name the stadium after him
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Not feeling nervous right now. Think City will batter West Ham so just looking forward to a day out in the sunshine and a post game celebration of this wonderful team. Obviously, if after 75 minutes, we're winning 3-0 and they're drawing at the Etihad, tension levels may rise
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We've known he was coming for weeks and yet, I'm emotional about this. Feels seismic for The Arsenal. Cannot wait to see him play for us
#DeclanRice
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Goodnight. Sleep well everyone. Except Lee Mason. I’d like you to wake up every hour needing to go to the loo.
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A very good day for The Arsenal
🚨 EXCL: Arsenal have reached agreement with William Saliba over new 4yr contract. 22yo had 12mnths on existing deal but fresh terms will tie him down until at least 2027, amid strong interest from PL + abroad. Now on to paperwork stage
@TheAthleticFC
#AFC
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Lunch with this chap. Giving him the benefit of my tactical analysis. World Cup is in the bag
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I've had some happy moments at the Emirates but that is one my favourites. The noise, the joy, the beauty of it.
Well, this has been a turn of events 😲
Gabriel Jesus makes it THREE!
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This is the happiest my Twitter timeline has ever been since Twitter began
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Really struggling to know what to say about Sean Lock. Gutted to hear that he's died. He was a good guy. And so brilliantly funny. I'll miss him. We all will. Love to his family and the comedy community x
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@arseblog
@YankeeGunner
I have to say, this is one of my main take outs from the game. They cheated their way to a draw at the Emirates. We did it to them and we got a result. Now, fuck off mate. Not only could we not give a shit, we're glad it happened the way it did
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Who says Jose Mourinho teams are not entertaining
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I know people think there’s too much abuse in football but hearing 50,000 people sing ‘fuck off Mourinho’ is to be applauded I think
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At least this is sorted. Now to get Mustafi and Ozil on new five year deals
Arsenal defender David Luiz has agreed a new one-year deal with the club.
More:
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I'll continue watching this but only out of a sense of solidarity with my club. But honestly, what are Kolasinac and Cedric doing on the pitch playing for Arsenal? As for Xhaka, it's so fucking predictable.
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@GaryLineker
until the last ten minutes, you
@IanWright0
and
@alanshearer
were easily the most entertaining part of that game
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Happy St Totteringham's day everyone. What a time to be alive
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