natalayhehoo
@highprobably1
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This is not the profile you’re looking for. Gemini and Vol for life. Taken not stirred.
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Joined August 2020
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Pinned Tweet
I’m roasting garlic in the oven. My 13 year old thinks it smells like weed. I can relax now, confident that my youngest child has never smoked weed.
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Out of an emotionally/mentally abusive relationship with an narcissist after 15 years 🙌🏻
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If I have to switch from the heat to the ac one more time this week, I’m pretty sure it’s going to open a portal to another dimension.
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In my defense, they weren’t called ‘tramp stamps’ when I got one
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Just heard someone asking for directions in a gas station like our forefathers
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My ex told me it was inappropriate for me to wear shorts after I turned 39. I wear the shortest ones I can find now 💅🏻
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I’m not moving from this couch until it’s time to go to bed
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Just once, when a man asks me what I like to do for fun, I’m going to respond “masturbate”.
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“Divorce sucks”, yeah, but you know what DOESN’T suck? Doing everything on your own when he said there was no way in hell you could.
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Dudes in my dms saying I’m “stunning” and “gorgeous”. Dudes in real life say, “excuse me, ma’am, you’re blocking the way to all the cheese.”
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All these peeps not believing I’m over 40 have me pretty happy on this rainy Sunday 😂😘
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Reasons I can’t sleep at night this week:
I have arms - seriously where do they go comfortably?
My brain won’t stop thinking “Butthole Surfers is the craziest band name ever”
I said something mildly embarrassing 19 years, 4 months, and 6 hours ago
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A man on the internet thinks my tattoos distract from my beauty. However shall I recover from this blow?
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Why do people say “dream job”? My dream is literally to not have to have a job.
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“I have something to tell you later”. No, no you do not. You have something to tell me right now or my anxiety will take us both out.
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I’ll wear your hoodie without a top on underneath, idgaf
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I’d friendzone you but I don’t like you as a friend either.
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Y’all… I have a confession.
I think bacon is overrated.
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Had a man tell me to go northeast like I know what that means
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Being single in your 40s is wild. I’m impressed by a full head of hair.
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Sorry I told you the wrong way to Pound Town. I’m terrible with directions.
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Gimme my man card- I just ratchet strapped a load in the truck and said, “well, that’s not going anywhere.”
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Been getting a lot of “do you like bbc?” comments lately, and honestly, what’s not to like about the British Broadcasting Corporation?
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You think your ho’ing days are over, then bam! You get divorced in your 40s.
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Got eye fucked by my waiter tonight. That’s the most action I’ve had in months
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Sometimes when I need a little extra help, I look at my divorce papers when I masturbate
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Is it too much to ask to have some war drums playing in the background when I get pissed?
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Is it too much to ask for a 200lb+ man to pin me down on the bed?
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I’m not sure it’s healthy to be this horny all the time.
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Apparently I don’t tweet enough selfies? 😂 Happy weekend!
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I get it, guys. I follow back funny, pretty girls too.
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Twitter is like the cool table in the prison cafeteria
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“I think about you all the time”, is manspeak for “I jerk off to you”. Don’t fall for it, girls.
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The dads at this trampoline park have figured out I’m unattached and have sent forth a contender.
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I annihilated my 20 year old son at Mortal Kombat and Tekken. Therefore a healthy dynamic has reemerged in my household.
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Welcome to your 40s: you pull a muscle while masturbating now.
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Let me save you the trouble of dm’ing me:
1. I don’t want to fuck you
2. I don’t want to see your dick
Good talk
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I’d tweet my ass but I can’t have anyone else fall in love with me right now.
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I’ve come to the realization that men think every app is a dating app.
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Older men at the office are obligated to say “here comes, trouble”, every time they see me
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I’m tiny, put off an insane amount of body heat, and I’m terrible for you. I’m basically a hot pocket.
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I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
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Name something better than soft and slow kissing… I’ll wait
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Welcome to your 40s. You’re either hungry or horny- and it’s probably both.
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I got hit on by a 24 year old guy and I don’t know if I feel flattered or I want to put him in timeout
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Fellas, the eye contact directly to checking out the tits is not as slick as you think it is.
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Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out that Red Hot Chili Peppers are their favorite band
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It’s not my fault I’m attracted to men who look like lumberjacks or crab boat fishermen
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I live in Kentucky and just heard “sushi” pronounced in 6 fucking syllables.
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Just watched a dude walk into a brick pillar because he was staring at my tits
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Rocking a Tool shirt AND a flannel today like the 90s girl I still am
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Every fucking man that has ever been interested in me has messaged me this week, so what the fuck is up with the zodiac?
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I have a 3 pound dog and a 130 pound dog. If that doesn’t explain my decision making skills I don’t know what will.
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I don’t trust anyone born after the 80s… and y’all in the 87-89 range are still pretty sketchy
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My soul mate is probably on a different continent. Most likely India if my message requests are any indication.
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