Henry Alford
@henryalford
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Guy of letters ( @NewYorker , @AirMailWeekly ). My book about Joni Mitchell, "I Dream of Joni," comes out in January, 2025 from Gallery Books.
NYC
Joined March 2011
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Ocean's Fourteen: concerned citizens break into post offices and sort the mail
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Biden, Blinken, Yellen—the new administration has very strong reindeer energy
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Sorry to have been out of touch these past few months but I had to type an é.
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The minute you become aware of your underpants during the day is the minute your day becomes a hostage to underpants management
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Who knows what brilliant and miraculous acts we could accomplish if we had just one fifth the tenacity of an iPhone that wants to be updated
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Sinks in cabins and motel rooms have two speeds--"hissy fit" and "object caught in elderly man's throat"
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Half the suspense of "Scandal" is the possible interaction between Olivia's enormous glasses of red wine and her all-white wardrobe
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*pees other dudes' stray public hairs down urinal drain in attempt at closure*
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If you need to tell total strangers about your relationship with God, your impulses might be better served by pantyhose crafts
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I'd wear my adult diapers twice as often if the name Depends weren't so fucking ambivalent
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Lots of young people in NYC walking around with a bandana knotted loosely around their neck like they’re a Golden Retriever in a beer commercial
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El Gato
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When the history books are written, let's not forget the person who realized that sometimes you only need half a paper towel
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Senator Rob Portman doesn't have another son who's poor and 87 and in need of medicine, does he?
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"I'd take a ballet for you" - Not-So-Butch Cassidy, to the Sundance Kid
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Every day he sounds more and more like an audience member yelling out suggestions at a comedy improv show
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A few years back I asked 8 hostage negotiators for their tips for dealing with relatives at Thanksgiving. Reposting in case you need it.
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David O. Selznick's actual suggestions to censors for alternate endings to Gone w/ Wind's "Frankly, my dear..."
http://t.co/jWmZlvOOsM
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I interviewed this woman after she'd been on one of the Poles while in her eighties. When I asked, "So are you ready for your next adventure?," she said, "Are you out of your fucking mind?"
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Like you, I have wondered, How might a hostage negotiator help families get through Thanksgiving?
http://t.co/kBgGYlqeDd
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Exactly. What you shouldn't be talking about is what you should be talking about.
peepee poopoo is the root of all comedy and if you don’t think so you are fooling yourself
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A leader who is ashamed about the size of his hands proceeds, through inaction and passive-aggression, to force an entire nation to obsess over their own hands. If you put it in a novel or screenplay, it would be rejected as too on-the-nose.
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Cats have the maximum allowable body weight for something that's regularly going to step on your genitals and then expect to be fed
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I'm writing a horror film set in an office. It's called Reply All
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Missed Connection: You were dressed as Elsa from Frozen and there were seven thousand of you
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We'd save a lot of time if we could just do a globalized software update on men
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If food could talk there would definitely be fewer photographs of it
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When feuding with a world power, start some fun, smaller feuds, for variety and scale
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The state that looks like it'd be the easiest one to snap off from the Lower 48 is, intriguingly, the state that you'd most like to snap off from the Lower 48
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I hope this email finds you averting a burgeoning cauldron of depression by clinging frantically to small acts of compassion that move you to tears
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The Queen probably reads Helen Mirren's reviews and thinks, Why do I even bother?
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People who walk around clutching their N95 mask like it’s a Judith Lieber commission for the Amish
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So sorry to hear about the death of Harris Wittels. I wrote about his book "Humblebrag" when it came out
http://t.co/i1RqIrODfN
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The whole point of reading novels written in an era other than your own is to come across sentences like "He made a careful toilet"
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Small World Department: the East Village apartment that Chloe Sevigny describes in this week’s Talk of the Town, with a toilet down the hall that junkies would break into, WAS MY APARTMENT IN THE LATE 80’s. I, a hayseed, thought the junkies’ leftover syringe caps were pen caps.
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We ran out of Saran Wrap so I spent 15 minutes turning an avocado half into an aluminum-clad, intergalactic avo-nautilus. As you were.
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Concerned about your Thanksgiving gathering? Here's my 2014 story in which I asked 8 hostage negotiators for their tips re dealing with relatives at Turkeytime.
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I'm writing a horror movie set in an office. It's called Reply All.
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On our first trip out of NYC since the pandemic started my boyfriend and I got to sit in zero-gravity chairs in the middle of the woods and we are birds now
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I wrote about wearing a 4 foot-wide plastic ball, or bumper ball, around NYC while I grocery-shopped, went to the bank, etc.
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When a fictional character says the work's title aloud, the audience experiences a kind of collective death
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Best character voices to adopt when speaking to pets:
-retired sea captain
-wheedling bureaucrat
-Tony Randall with a cold
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Future historians will note that the first instance of Ebola in the US coincided roughly with the re-mergence of Pumpkin Spice Latte
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If I just want to look at pictures of my boyfriend holding pets is this so wrong?
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People say they want honesty, but what they really want is reassurance and free wifi
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Can't always distinguish between peoples' ambient rage and the burgeoning cicada invasion
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The New York Times uses "feels" as a noun in one of its sub-headlines today. The world anxiously awaits the paper of record's embrace of "tryna."
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I voted. Our cat vomited. From each according to their ability...
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Getting off some mailing lists is like trying to wash Crisco off your hands
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America: we can't fill a late-night TV talk-show opening with a woman, but we can make a cappuccino-flavored potato chip.
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Is there anything more riveting than the non-fiction novel? What other books (besides In Cold Blood) would you put in this pile?
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Nine hours til Rachel Maddow becomes the first journalist ever to burst into flames on national television
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Babies attract an amount of attention incommensurate with their contribution.
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A cat has the maximum allowable bodyweight for something that is going to regularly step on your genitals and then expect to be fed
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A phone with a huge keyboard for older folks, called Elderberry
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When a song's title is not in the lyrics, we know we are in the hands of an English major
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One upside to staying indoors for days at a time is that when you finally DO take the plunge, you see for the first time a tree you’ve lived across the street from for 31 years
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Oh, crap, I've written an article for the New York Times about bad manners on Twitter:
http://t.co/8AgKfxz7XR
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The best part of being over 40 is that all your worst indiscretions happened pre-internet.
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Putting the word "jungle" before your job title--"jungle marketer," "jungle sales associate"--will make you popular at parties.
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Every time an ancient burial site is excavated we find more evidence of Early Public Radio
Ancient burial sites contain clues to recreate flatbread recipes from The Splendid Table:
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If a contemporary American author tried to call a book "One Hundred Years of Solitude", his publisher would suggest he re-title it "Me Time"
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Bob Dylan can't return the Swedish Academy's phone call because he's reading all of Philip Roth and Cormac McCarthy while chuckling quietly
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The App App App App App: an app that tells you who within a 6-block radius also once owned the Billy Joel album "The Stranger"
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These hot summer nights are a time to re-appraise adult coloring books, alcoholism
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Cats, as always, exhibit one of the more compelling reactions to the current political climate: sleep all day, vomit where you please
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Now that "literally" and "actually" have been drained of their meaning, I'm taking out a $1 million life insurance policy on "truly"
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How is it that we can turn lights on and off by clapping our hands, but turning on the TV requires three remotes?
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The irony of the least charming person in the world wanting to build a wall to keep people AWAY
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On Sundays, most of us dress in the style known as Deleted Selfie
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If you've gone skiing once in your life, then isn't the rest of your life necessarily après-ski?
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We live in a culture that capitalizes "Laundromat" and "Realtor" but does nothing special for "truth" or "onion rings"
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My favorite part of writing the bubble-wearing article for
@NewYorker
was, alas, cut from the published piece: I got together with my dance buddy Lucy Mahler, who is 71 and quarantining alone, for some socially-distanced dancing. Photos by Lawrence Levi (
@lawlevnyc
).
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Your dietary restrictions don't make you more interesting
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The two most glorious words in the English language are "comments disabled"
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I’ve never had so many people tell me what they’re eating and reading. This must be what it’s like to work on a cruise ship.
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One of the reasons to read books from another era is sentences like "He made a careful toilet."
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I was a guest twice on Conan Obrien's show, where I got to meet the awesome Andy Richter. Of all the people I've ever been interviewed by, or interviewed, Conan was probably one of the most intellectually nimble. And definitely wore the most make-up.
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