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@hellahammer
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The phrase "Burlington Throat Factory" now lives in my head rent free
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A cheap and easy at-home covid test is drinking an ice cold Dr Pepper in the morning and making sure you can taste all 23 flavors
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When I was in the psych ward I was like y'all are crazy I'm just chillin
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I'm 8 years sober today but raw dogging reality in 2020 sucks ass
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People seem to be so concerned about me drinking Red Bull every day but they don't know that I once shot up meth and nutted in my pants fully soft
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If you're sober or straight edge you can smoke weed on 4/20, it doesn't count
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Shout out to the guy who handed me a sack of reggie at the show last night
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One year ago I did a Valentines photo shoot with my dog and I'm happy to report we are still happy together
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Bowling is NOT a good date idea how are you supposed to get your toes sucked after wearing those stupid little shoes
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Some kid on Instagram keeps making comments about me wearing the same shirt on stage at every show... it's called a uniform
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When I was 23 years old I sold all my records for pennies to buy a bag of coke that I tried to cook into crack in a spoon and turned it into a useless brown sludge
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I'm on a fake beach in Vegas eating a hot dog and watching Dying Fetus
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After 45 days on tour I'm back in my own bed have a blessed night
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I’m a crazy mf I’ll eat one of these in bed I don’t give a shit
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I guess today is the day to ask again...
Are dick pills straight edge?
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Due to the Canadian conversion rate
@200StabWounds
will be known as 250 Stab Wounds for the next two nights
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If I pay $139 to enter Universal Studios I better get to fuck a Minion
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Standing in the candy aisle of the gas station just rubbing my hands together
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What's up with places being closed on Mondays? Who's in charge here?
Garfield???
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The worst part about people finding out you play an instrument is getting asked to "jam sometime" 🤢
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I think I shot meth with this guy at the Motel 6 in Tempe on Broadway and Hardy
Did Bro f around and make a hit!? New genre of music unlocked ??? 🫣🥴🥴😭🔥
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Covering an Entombed song with members of Grave and Dismember today at Hellfest
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🙏
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I don't even know what to say to people in public anymore I just say "fuck yea" over and over until one of us leaves
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I went to the Tucson Gem Show and paid $5 for a pic with this goat
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They should let you order just a couple sips of soda at a restaurant
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Guitar player after practice "can I play your drums real quick?" type beat
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I got fired from Buca Di Beppo for lookin like this on the clock
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Being sober and dressing up in a costume has to be one of the most embarrassing things you can do besides maybe karaoke
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Smokin on that shit that made Chris Barnes record Graveyard Classics 1-4
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If 311 isn’t a good band then why did The Cure cover one of their songs?
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Can somebody do me a reading and tell me if my chanklas are aligned
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Post a pic of you next to someone who is slightly more famous than you.
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Stop calling them "concerts" mom you are embarrassing me in front of my friends
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A photo of you in January 2020 without imagining what’s to come
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I used to be broke and homeless of course I'm gonna flex something nice I worked hard for
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I just bought a newspaper with my face in it at a store where I used to buy drugs in the parking lot
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When Pillars of Ivory said "if you don't smoke weed get the fuck away from us" I sat my ass down and listened
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I was raised Mormon but I’ve also shot up meth and heroin at the same time so I’ve got both ends of the Mesa, AZ spectrum covered
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Some dudes knocked on our door at the practice space tonight and told us they have a new Ghostbusters themed death metal band
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I was gonna listen to Spotify and huff cheap gas all day but I guess not
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Security guards at bigger shows be like sorry bud can't bring in your car keys
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I shoulda never told this dude at the bank I was in a band now he's playin our YouTube videos on his iPad
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Back in Chicago tonight and the best heckling I ever got was in Chicago a few years ago...
Between songs I was sipping water out of a bright yellow hydro flask and someone yelled "WHAT ARE YA DRINKIN? SOUP???" and everyone laughed
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Someone threw a big ass dead mouse on stage tonight while we were playing and it hit me in the leg
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Do you think Jesus sucked on any toes while he was washing his disciples feet
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Hi i'm Johnny Knoxville and I'm about to use the women's bathroom at the venue right before doors open
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noooo don’t comment about a tour not hitting a specific city your so sexy aha
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As a man with long hair I choose to ignore what the back of my head looks like
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I have a confession to make... when I was at the Salvation Army rehab for the second time I played in the christian worship band so I could get out of my job working in the kitchen early a few times a week
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