Moshitadi Lehlomela
@healing_with_mo
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Author of ‘The girl who survived her mother’ & ‘Radical acceptance for Childhood Adversities’ | Mother Wound recovery coach
Johannesburg, South Africa
Joined March 2012
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Practice leaving
Start with small things.
• Excuse yourself from conversations that feel off.
• Leave the party when you’re no longer enjoying yourself
• Leave meetings that go beyond the time they are allocated for.
If you were denied autonomy as a child this will be hard
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My business partner is a Nkateko and he’s married to a Khanya.
Khanya has destroyed our machinery that’s worth over R130k.
I’m on my way to open a case against her because Nkateko won’t do it.
There’s always a cost to pay being in promxity to Nkatekos.
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My gripe with couple’s therapy is that victims are often made to hold space for their tormentors.
Now you are in therapy with a deadbeat that’s causing you and your child harm, unravelling his childhood trauma like that isn’t his work and his work alone!
I need to get caught up with couple’s therapy ASAP because what the 🤬
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This clip from 'Human' answers it for me.
What characteristics and life skills does spanking/ beating teach your children?
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People assume you are holding on to anger if you chose not to reconcile with people who have hurt you.
They dont believe that you can process the hurt, heal, forgive and still not want to reconcile with someone.
Reconciliation without changed behaviour just leads to more abuse.
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All I’m going to say about this is listen to your childless friends. Respect them as your villagers.
There’s so much that they can see clearly that you being a parent may not. And Often times they are the healthy emotional bridge between you and your child.
Why do ppl WITHOUT children have endless advice for parents with children???
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Every time I read posts that say “not all moms are nurturing”
I fight the urge to reply with “in fact, most moms aren’t nurturing”
Most moms aren’t nurturing, nor have the skill of loving, especially children. Society has sold the lie of motherly unconditional love, that…
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Self Mothering tip for the holidays.
1. You don't have to go home if 'home' dysregulates your nervous system.
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The toxicity in their personal lives always seeps into every area of their lives. And it’s dangerous to be any where near them.
I sympathise with him but this mess isn’t mine.
Infuriating that I’m affected by it💀
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Y’all let these femininity coaches shame and disrespect you because this is how y’all mothers, aunts and grandmas spoke to you and you associate it with love.
It’s not love. It’s verbal abuse and it’s emotional abuse
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Best thing you can do for yourself as an eldest daughter is to free yourself from the role of deputy mother
Your siblings will get used to using you to supplement for what they lack from ur mother - which is often a lot
Also. It's unlikely that u will get the same support back
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...At first. But it will get better with time as you continue to practice.
Practice builds confidence and courage.
Soon it will not make sense to you how you even endured certain relationships and communities in the past.
& you’ll look around me feel proud of where you are now
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WAS I ABUSED AS A CHILD?
Here are four different ways children are abused.
Were you abused in any of the four ways?
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@jmwangi_john
A lot of healthy self care practices are seen as rude. Doesn’t mean they are.
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One key factor that’s often left out of the conversation about healing Childhood Complex PTSD is that for the nervous system to heal a person’s basic needs a have to be met first.
Shelter, healthy foods, clean clothes and adequate rest are a prerequisite for healing.
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A lot of adults are so convinced that they are above being influenced.
They think they can exist in unhealthy environments, with toxic people and somehow remain untouched - unchanged.
This is because they don’t know how the nervous system functions.
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Did you know that the nervous system / neuropathways of a child growing up in a war-torn country and one growing up in a toxic home that has no emotional connection look and function the same?
To their little nervous system a bomb or emotional neglect is the same.
Its unsafe.
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All relationships with human beings, require mutual respect, time, compassion and trust to work
And by human beings I also mean CHILDREN
You are making a huge mistake if you think shared DNA is enough to sustain a relationship with your child
They will grow tired of your BS
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Your worth is not determined by your mother's ability to recognize it.
You are whole and worthy even if she cannot see it.
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Anyways, I wrote a book that won’t confuse you like this tweet 🩷
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So much of what we struggle with in our adult relationships mirrors the type of relationships we had with our parents as children.
I'm remembering my dating life before doing the work. Lol. The pits! 🤭🤭
Dating while unconscious of your trauma is hell.
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What I love about self mothering is how by tending to your inner child's needs you awaken to how soft you are & how you need compassion, protection & celebration
But also that you have the power to give yourself everything to need.
This is the biggest game changer
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Many times when people say they have "turned out fine". What they really mean is that they are in 'functional freeze', where they can still participate in this capitalistic system, but they’re numb, shut down, and checked out from their body, internal physiology, and emotions
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Accepting that birthing a child, doesn’t make one posses the skill of loving makes one teachable and willing to become better. Women who become great moms have accepted they don’t know it all and need to learn to love.
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Things parents do to children that create anxiety that lasts long into adulthood.
1. Severe critisism/expecting perfection.
2. Yelling
3. Hitting
4. Teasing
5. Not giving children enough time to transition between activities/task
Etc.
Anxiety is the worst thing to happen to anyone. It really takes away your capabilities. You begin to believe in your fears. Then fear manifests into reality because you are constantly worried of messing things up💔. I really hope you are gentle with yourself as you go through it
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Diverting your time and energy away from the very child HE has already abandoned 😣
Now the child doesn’t even have a fully present mom because mommy is being a mom to daddy too.
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Funny thing is to be done you’ll have to get really mad.
Anger is healthy. It is medicine. It is the pathway.
There’s a huge difference between avoidance and acceptance.
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The refusal to radically accept (through grief) our childhood for what is was, keeps us stuck trying to avenge or fix upon it by recreating those painful childhood dynamics with our friends, partners & children.
Radical acceptence is how the ego losses its power
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…every woman has internalised this lie and believes themselves to be loving, despite there being no evidence of it in their relationship with their children. This is one of the things that breeds the narcissism we see in mothers.
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Most people think the cause of maternal narcissism is only unprocessed childhood trauma. When it’s also due to the belief that becoming a mom makes one automatically capable of unconditional love. How could she ever be wrong if everything she does is ‘out of love’?
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Ladies, I’m sorry but ur daughter isn’t ur best friend
They are ur child & you their mom. The moment you assign them the role of a friend,spouse or parent. It is enmeshment & it’s emotional abuse
This also means your son isn’t ur little man or man of the house bcoz u r single
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People hardly do their best when they can do their bare minimum & get away with it.
Many parents don’t do their best with children becoz there are hardly consequences for abusing children. The child will love u anyway. They will also grow up to be shamed frm addressing the abuse
We really have to stop with the "they did the best they could" mindset in relation to parenting... cause some people really aren't doing the best they could.
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Grouping all of our parents’s abusive behaviors under the umbrella of ‘STRICT’ is also the reason we struggle with naming abuse in adulthood and recognizing our own abusive habits, especially in relationships with children.
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Part of the Self-Mothering for women is reconnecting with & learning to express their healthy ANGER
Moms wth Internalized misogyny shame & beat their daughters’ anger into suppression
This produces women who can’t self protect.Who become polite & passive wen they should b angry
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5. Keep the conversations surface level with your family members that do not offer you emotional safety. They don't have to know what's happening in your life or anything about your healing journey. You don't have to offer them any details even when they ask.
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It’s not your job to protect your family’s reputations.
It’s not your job to protect your mother’s reputation.
It’s not your job to protect the reputation of some family member who abused you.
Speak your truth!
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Personal healing is the generational wealth we need to be bringing into the conversation.
Do you realize your children and their children.... and their children's children will be set free by your healing?
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Yes! passiveness when being harmed can be a sign of a nervous system in freeze-mode but for women passiveness in the face of danger is mostly learned behavior that is attached to inherited limiting beliefs about womanhood.
Sometimes you feel the anger & shame yourself out of it
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Sometimes you aren’t a Generous GIVER who is surrounded by TAKERS. Growing up you had to play the Martyr or Caretaker role in your dysfunctional family that you now unconscious recreate that dynamic in all your relationships
You create takers out of people or seek them out.
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I don’t think a lot a people realize how being denied the freedom to be their authentic self in childhood is actually trauma. This is literally how Toxic Shame forms and it’s one of the worst forms of abuse
When you have toxic shame, your entire being is contaminated by shame.
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Please stop saying : "Your mother did her best" or "I'm sure she loves you" to people with a mother wound.
Despite the fact that it is not helpful - AT ALL. It is also a lie, based on the assumsion that all parents love their children.
You don't know this for a fact.
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Parentification is abuse. It's unfortunate that you were programmed that you exist to serve.
You derseve rest. You derseve ease. You deserve support.
But for as long as you willingly play this role you open yourself to being exploited.
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Literally everyone I have come across who teaches women to be feminine is exploiting the fact that most women suffer from the "Good girl syndrome"
The three Ps(perfectionism, pleasing, pretending) that most women struggle with are meant to be healed not exploited
There's no difference between this Derrick Jaxn fellow, Rob Hill whatever and these new Divine Feminine scammers. At the heart of all this nonsense is exploiting vulnerable women for coins. There is ALWAYS an audience for relationship/marriage 'experts'. ALWAYS.
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What many of us call “earning our mothers’ love” through doing and catering for their emotions .
Is actually parenting them.
It’s common for mothers who were abused, neglected or abandoned as children to look to their children to meet their emotional and even physical needs.
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It’s great to decenter men, but have you tried decentering your mom?
Ultimate freedom I tell you.
Also, when you do the work of decentering your mother, decentering men sort of becomes inevitable
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Also it’s common for women who abandon their friends for romantic love or neglect making friends altogether to end up manipulating & abusing their daughters into filling the friend position
There r young girls who r mommy’s best friend & hav to listen to mommy’s adult problems
I NEVER see men bragging on not having friends. It’s always women who think it’s a flex to not have friends. Idc what any woman says to not have one good friend is very weird!
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Clean living spaces relax the nervous system & assist in neuroplqstic healing.
This is why people who are sad can improve their mood by just cleaning their bedroom/house
For those who get severely depressed. Having a supportive loved one clean ur place can make some difference
A clean house will put me in a better mood instantly. I can’t understand how people live in clutter.
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I don’t think Khanya is acting this way because of some past trauma like every one says.
I think as a child, she learnt that if she threw a tantrum, then she got what she wanted.
Her hostility seems devoid of anger. She enjoys being hostile because it gets her desired results
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Unconscious loyalty to the mother says “her suffering is my suffering and until I have alleviated all of her suffering I should not allow myself joy”
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I'm reminded of the time my mentor said to me "I am so proud you" and I hung up the phone and cried for a good 20 minutes.
This was years ago but I can't forget how it felt hearing those words said to me.
Please affirm your kids.
Don’t be the parent that tells everyone else’s child you’re proud of them but let your own go without hearing those words.
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Healing helps you realise that your mom isn’t as spiritually powerful as she has made you believe
She is not in charge of your blessings & doesn’t have power to curse your future
If she had that much power. It would show in her own life. She just wants to control u through fear
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Self-mothering is how you develop the parts of your brain that are underdeveloped due to the abuse or neglect you experienced in childhood.
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Sometimes your mother can’t see your humanity and treat you kindly because she conceived you for a specific purpose
Either to save a marriage. To bring happiness into the family or even to bail her out of poverty
Seeking such a mother’s love can be a lifelong futile exercise.
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Maybe the mistake is thinking that these women aren’t just as morally corrupt as these deadbeat and cheating men.
We have high expectations for them because we’ve fallen into the trap of believing women are inherently good
As long as women continue to fuck men regardless of the type of man he is (cheater, deadbeat etc), all this talk about community needs to stop and I’m so serious lmao.
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When ppl tell you to protect ur abusive family’s reputation
What they’re really saying is “create an image of goodness for your family that doesn’t coincide with the reality of who they’re to you”.
How do you protect what isn’t real?
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...but about yourself. For example, instead of saying "Stop being rude to me", say "I do not engage in conversations where I'm spoken to unkindly"
This way you aren't expecting ur family to change for you to feel good about yourself. They're free to be themselves & so are you
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It’s almost impossible to process trauma when you are houseless, food insecure etc.
So much of trauma is stored in the body. And to work with the body to process and release this trauma, our physiological needs have to be met.
This is a requirement
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Yup! It's a form of release and can become addictive.
Literally tormenting their children as an attempt to regulate their own nervous system.
People who hit children as punishment do so because they don't know how to use other channels to express their own pain. So the child's body becomes an easy and safe alternative for cathartic release of old, perhaps transgenerational childhood traumas stored in their body.
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My book, with NB publishers, ’The girl who survived her mother’ will be available online & in books stores near you in just a few weeks (18/08/2023). I’m both nervous & excited about you finally reading about the gist of my Mother Wound story. How it began & how I found healing.
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You inability to set boundaries with your mother has nothing to so with her being of a different time or not being able to understand boundaries.
She understands boundaries just fine.
You aren't speaking up because as a child you lost her love everytime you did.
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"Disrespecting him"??
Umh no!
"I don't want to talk to you"
"I don't like talking to you"
Are valid boundaries. If you care ask you child later "why is that"
Also
"honor your father and mother"
"I am the parent"
Aren't valid reason to force a child to talk to you.
😒
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The painful thing about being raised by an emotionally unavailable mother isn't just that you can't feel her love, but also that she hasn't made room for the love you have & wish to express to her - openly
So not only will you struggle with recieving love but also expressing it.
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You don't need the blessing of abusive parents to succeed or be happy in life.
Believing that your mother's blessings/approval is more important that your will power and intelligence is giving your power away and opening yourself up to be controlled and manipulated by her.
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Feeling loneliness is feeling healthy shame
Loneliness is how we are reminded that we are human. That we desire & need emotional connections,not only to survive but to thrive
Feelings of loneliness are healthy. Pretending you are above loneliness is a consequence of toxic shame
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Which of these rules was prevalent in your childhood home and how has it affected your relationship with yourself and others?
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But if you must go or aren't yet ready to explore spending the holidays without your family. Here are a few things you can do to minimize stress.
2. Instead of staying in the family house, get a place of your own (hotel) where you'll sleep and retreat to whenever you need to.
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Waiting for women to realize how deep their mother wound is and how it affects our relationships way more than our daddy issues.
Daddy issues have a large affect on women within relationships…& it’s not talked about enough.
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But then again! If you must be egotistical in your parenting. Go right on ahead.
Hope that goes well for you.
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Only the abuser/perpetrator should carry the responsibility of absolving themselves of their guilt.
Telling victims of martenal abuse to forgive their mothers is another way that you dismiss victims and center their abuser.
All a victim needs to do to move forward is to...
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Folks love saying this to people who are or have been abused by their mothers.
“Try to understand where she was coming from”
And I always say to my clients...THAT IS NOT YOUT JOB.
Your job as a survivor is to tend to your wounds facilitate your own recovery.
Perpetrators use a person’s compassion to control and abuse. So telling the survivor to ‘understand’ the perpetrator to ‘heal’ is exactly what the perpetrator was doing and is just more abuse.
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Because mommy didn’t put in an effort to make and keep friends.
And Of course this dynamic is damaging for the daughter who is expected to fill a role she doesn’t yet have capacity for.
These mother’s are also notorious for sabotaging their children’s friendships and...
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Enmeshed families having a way of making you believe that if you don't take on your family members' suffering that they will perish
For many people it takes losing everything or being unable to readily show up - on demand to realize that life can go on without you and that...
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TOXIC GUILT in a nutshell.
The most obvious symptom is ‘Perfectionism’. The belief is that “You have to earn and perform for love”
And the painful thing is you will never be it. The goal post will keep moving - keep reminding you to do more and be more.
It’s a disease
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The thing about the inner critic is that it’s NOT your own voice.
You are not being hard on yourself. Your early caregivers were hard on you. Your mind is simply playing old recordings on repeat.
Reparenting yourself will include finding your voice & amplifying it.
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For men, healing the mother wound also means healing their suppressed anger towards their mother.
This anger when not acknowledged & healed gets projected on to unsuspecting women in the adult boy's life
This is part of the reason healing the mother wound is a matter of urgency
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I don’t know why I’m seeing this on my timeline because I thought I muted the word “submission”
Anyways. This woman is mothering her man. This is also a classic case of martyr complex.
And it’s actually dominant behavior
What does a submissive woman do for her alpha man in a romantic dynamic?
@watchjazzy
explains the Art of Being Submissive. Listen here
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The right language is important if we are to truly convey how harmful these behaviors were.
Call it what it is...’Emotional abusive’
If in any of your relationships you aren’t allowed to feel and express emotions. They aren’t being strict, You are being emotionally abused.
How strict were your parents ?? I’ll go first we weren’t allowed to get excited 😂😂😂
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Before my healing I was a fearful avoidant. I loved the idea of love. I craved love but could never open up to anyone. For me opening up meant getting hurt & I didn’t know how to process pain without being overwhelmed by it. So Ibtoo identified with my fear “ I’m just closed off”
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The thing with people who often excuse their parents' physical abuse as "I was a naughty child" is by not recognizing their younger self's innocence they cannot recognize it in their own children and all children.
We really can only give our children the grace we give ourselves
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Remember that 2-5 are coping strategies. They are not long-term solutions. And personally, I do not recommend that you keep exposing yourself to potential harm and accumulating trauma just to sustain a bond with your family.
It's more than okay to not go home for the holidays.
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4. Keep yourself busy with things that bring you peace and joy. You can take walks, play with the kids, take care of the plants, cook etc.
Focus is everything! keep it on the things that are good for your nervous system.
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One thing about neglectful and emotionally absent parents, they will remember the two things that did for you and they will list them every time you mention how they neglected you
Those two things feel like a lot, because it doesn’t come natural to them to be generous with you.
Monique and “Daddy” on IG trying to do damage control .
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The village in “It takes a village to raise a child” pertains to loving ADULTS who hv the child’s best interest at heart. It doesn’t include older siblings
They’re children too & deserve a village of loving adults nurturing &supporting them
Denying them their childhood is abuse
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3. Seeking male VALIDATION. This plays a damaging role in mothering
A pick me mother will coddle her sons and husband while heavily critisising and overworking her daughters
As a result the sons become mysoginistic delinquent men and the girls women with self esteem issues.
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My life changed tremendously when I stopped trying to walk in people’s shoes and left the responsibly to communicate the experience on the one having it.
Only they know how it feels.
And I’m okay with not knowing if ever they choose not to tell me.
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Everytime I see a post from someone who is frustrated that they are now taking care of elderly parents who abused them as a child.
I'm reminded of the women where I come from whose reasons for encouraging bearing children was "who will take care of you when you are older?"
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Women with internalized misogyny make terrible mothers to both sons & daughters.
While it is known that they tend be competitive &hostile to daughters.
There seems to be a misconception that sons are loved more & don’t accumulate trauma from being raised by such mothers.
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If your have a Good girl syndrome, you will get triggered by imperfect & unashamed women receiving love.
It goes against your programming of the three Ps (perfectionism, pretense & pleasing)
This is why y’all call for women to be divorced for merely breaking the Pretense rule
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I’m begging Therapist to stop telling adult children of abusive parents to just ‘see their parents as people’ because that’s ‘Forgiveness propaganda’ and it keeps victims in abusive relationships with their folks.
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Some even believe it possible to achieve and sustain recovery while continuing to grant open access to the unhealthy people in their lives who refuse to do the work.
And as painful as it might be to have to leave loved ones behind for your healing. It’s absolutely necessary.
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I don’t think people realize just how much inner work you have to do to feel safe in relationships with women when you have a Mother Wound and all the women in your childhood were mean, violent and devious towards each other.
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The PROCESS of true forgiveness helps us release any residual guilt arnd prioritising ourselves & gives us courage to set boundaries arnd how we want to be treated.
The need to prove yourself 'good' by reconciling with ppl who refuse to treat u better is in fact contradictory...
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3. If you can't afford a hotel room see if there isn't a relative you love being around who you can stay with
If such a relative doesn't exist start drafting healthy boundaries you'll enforce with ur family to protect yourself. These boundaries shouldn't be about your family...
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How big is your mother's web?
I once coached a lady whose mother is a college professor. Her mother's web included many students who she was kind to while she neglected & abused her daughter at home
Every one of the students she met had only good things to say about her mother
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A lot of people struggle with this pertaining their mothers.
It helps to realize you can love your mother and still hold her accountable and let her do her own inner work.
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