Hamish Blake
@hamishblake
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533,061
Following
123
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394
Mainly in charge of being the first part of Hamish & Andy. insta: @hamishblakeshotz
Joined May 2008
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Currently driving from US to Canada, traffic backed up for miles!! What's going on? Is there a big match or concert on?
#confused
.
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Maybe the REAL test of the
#census2016
is to find how long we all will keep clicking refresh on a dud site, and the winner gets an iPod?
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Nothing gets you in the festive spirit like an automatically generated Xmas email from a real estate agent you rented through in 2009.
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Feeling like I've got too much work on at the moment, then realise I actually just have a lot of TV I'm trying to keep track of.
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If you're reading this you've already snuck away from your family for a little Me Time on social media. Good for you! Merry Christmas.
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I met a young man called Sonny yesterday who I am particularly fond of. I just told him that…
http://t.co/LFYczaZCjW
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No phones in cinemas guys. Except for 10 mins into every animation where you have to google who voices the cat cos it's killing you.
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“Uh oh, I don’t want to have to put this incident in my daily report to the Easter Bunny tonight”
- phrase that seems to be working wonders on my three year old this week
#myhandsaretied
#mustreport
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Stopped at lights as a swarm of 9 year olds on an excursion crossed the road "dabbing" at the traffic. I think we have reached Peak Dab.
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A good Wingman never takes credit for his friend's happiness, so let's just all stay calm while I drink this piña colada winking heavily.
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Having baby with
@zotheysay
! First ultrasound pic. Looks like me! Same undies!
#prouddad
http://t.co/VXPk5n1BSk
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Re-sizing your word doc to font 11 from 12 so it all fits on a single page is probably one of the most satisfying experiences I'm aware of.
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We SAY we're on "holidays" till next Monday, but since
@andy_lee
just keeps texting me "gotta catch em all" I worry for him and his return.
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Zayn: "I want to be a normal 22 year old."
Normal 22 Year Old: "OK, cool, um....swap?"
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😂 = you've made humans laugh
😹 = you've now made the entire animal kingdom laugh
💂 = the guard is not allowed to laugh, but he wants to.
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Lesson in perspective.
Me: "man, can't they see the no junk mail sign?"
2 YO son: "mailman brought us picture of pizza...that's AMAZING!"
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The tiny kids cars in front of supermarkets they want you to pay $1 to make move? VERY easily shakable with your arm. For $0.
#dadhack
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Just called my dad and, for the first time in his life, the call came through to him on the iPad. Cue sheer pandemonium.
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Pancake Tuesday should be approx 100 days a year. I know that means some non Tuesdays will be called Tuesday but cmon we're grown ups
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On the plus side, I'm finding all the OTHER websites in Australia have far less traffic since everyone's busy crashing the
#census2016
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I've realised 93% of dadhood is doing something for the first time and simultaneously explaining in a loud voice "this is how we do THIS".
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Even as an adult I still find it impossible to walk past the scales in the fruit and veg section without trying to weigh my arm.
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To anyone who swapped 10,000 bitcoins for a 2018 calendar in 2008, yes you backed the wrong horse, but at least today your misguided perseverance pays off and you start getting some value. Thoughts and prayers. To everyone else, just regular Happy New Year!
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Probably the most challenging thing about having a baby last Saturday is getting him fully up to speed on GOT by next Monday.
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Man it really is a bad time to be in the Fast-Cooked-Never-Pulled-Only-Sliced-Pork business.
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Another jockey nervously awaits his weigh in this weekend and wonders if he overdid the dim sims....
http://t.co/X41BZcJ9GS
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"One takeaway pho please"
"Sure"
"Oh and please make sure it leaks everywhere so the bag is a hot mess of soggy napkin"
"We always do sir".
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Leading cause of death in medieval sword fights has to be the smug pause before killing someone causing u instead to get surprise stabbed
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1.Get into suit
2.Take selfie at beach with champagne
3.Tag
#RachAndBen
4.Hey nice work everyone thinks you are at a cool wedding
5.Go home
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The year is 2062. Earth is arid and has run out of water. People tip buckets of dirt on themselves for charity and remember 2014 fondly.
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There was Brexit, now there's Bregret. Can I be 1st to coin Bre-Brentry for when Britain wants to re-enter EU? (It'll catch on trust me)
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One of the best bits about going to the amazon was we ran into the filming of Rio 2. Those birds are great actors and so nice in real life!
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I'm not 100%, but am fairly certain that clipping a wriggling baby's fingernails is part of the test to become a bomb diffuser.
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Happy Oz Day! (For internationals; it's a traditional day where a guy called Damo comes down the chimney & leaves you 2 slabs & 35 sausages)
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Don't you hate it when you get home, are trying to catch up on survivor, and some nude guy just falls asleep on you?
http://t.co/ASECfAC5qq
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Cool power move: if a girl throws a drink in your face, quickly try and drink it all out of midair.
#freedrink
#dryface
#checkmate
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Man I hope Andy wins the Gold Logie tonight. I say that purely as a best friend and with no other motive.
#teamandy
http://t.co/ZkohGTbgH0
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"Congratulations. You stayed up all night online and will now receive access to all life's secrets."
-what I guess I hope shows up at 5am
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Thanks for all your sweet wishes for our little Sonny. He'd bake you a thank you cake but I'm having trouble getting him to hold the mixer.
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Me: "Let's have 5 lunches at once"
Stomach: "What? Why would you even s-"
Me: "We're at a buffet"
Stomach: "Fill me till I hurt you".
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Normal baggage carousel:DON'T touch anyone else's bags.It's a crime!
Oversize baggage: Here's a pile of guitars, prams & surfboards.Go nuts
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Just heard a mum in a fish and chip shop actually ask their 5 year old if they wanted chips or salad.
#mumhopes
#saladdreams
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My election platform:
1. If they forget to put the sauce in with your nuggets, by law, the whole meal is free.
2. That's it.
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I'm sure watching my child grow up will be swell etc, but really, is anything more satisfying than getting a corn husk out of your teeth?
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I feel so hashtag blessed every time I realise the lettuce I'm about to use is pre washed and I just picked up 20 bonus seconds.
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Law of the universe: if your child likes to fall asleep on your chest it will only do so when you're positioned for maximal spinal damage.
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I have no problem cleaning my cats litter except for when he watches me & I 100% know he's thinking, "that's right Turd Monkey, get it all".
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Turns out that even if you eat as many bread rolls as Cadel Evans at breakfast it doesn't make you as good as him at cycling. It's annoying.
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Above all I just hope people called Greg have been using this opportunity to do heaps of Grexit jokes before deciding to leave a room
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Don't you just feel gross when you wake up and see all the empties from your previous nights drinking?
http://t.co/LPxvPctaPa
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"...you've put beer in the freezer remember you've put beer in the freezer remember you've ..."
- most serious thing in a guys brain.
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If Agar drinks 54 VB's on the way home too, the election is off and he's PM automatically.
#TheAshes
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Probably the main difference between being a baby and a grown man is your ability to wear nothing but sports socks and it be "sah cute".
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Your wife ordering the thing you wanted the 2nd most for breakfast so you know you're getting a few bites is just a great win.
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Hey newspaper headline guys: "Kyrgioisity killed the Raf". You're welcome.
#allhailkyrgios
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We're so selfish with all this "Where's Wally?" nonsense. What about "HOW'S Wally?", did anyone even stop and think about that?
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Sorry guys, Andy bloody hacked my account! 🙄 Time slot info is spot on....and I guess i DO have a nice jacket on. Thanks for noticing mate!
Guys True Story on tonight 8:40 Ch 9. Hame looks so handsome!!
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The karma you get when you let someone in front of you then they get the green arrow and you just miss out should be worth at least triple.
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Yo East Coast,
#TheWrongGirl
is about to debut on Ch 10! I am currently working frantically to restore power to SA too, hang in there!
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Guys I keep trying to tell you, the ball is moving very weirdly out there. Let's not judge anyone today.
#AUSvIND
#impossibletohold
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"Oh, and I know it sounds obvious, but PLEASE don't take a boogy board on the flight back tomorrow".
-Aus officials to
#Schapelle
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As a team, my hands and mouth are able to finish an entire bag of cheddar popcorn before my brain even knows I'm in the kitchen.
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"How did you become a billionaire?"
"I stole and resold tons of cheap hotel coat hangers"
"But they're attached to the rail"
"They are now"
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I felt my unborn kid kick for the first time last night. Well, I say "felt", I mean "expertly blocked".
#karatedad
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Little nude bathroom mirror selfie to kick start your weekend (warning: I'm shy)
http://t.co/DYrnGmey7V
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@andy_lee
listen, I've had a great time with both of you and I have a lot of love for both of you, but I have to chose one. I choose him.
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If you listen carefully you can usually hear your headphones giggling quietly as they tie themselves in knots in your backpack.
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When councillors really, really, really want a street naming meeting to be over...
http://t.co/uUmQUxsH8N
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Epic tribal council
@Survivor_AU
. Would love to see the "whoever wins the vote swaps sides" rule adopted by politics for shits & gigs...
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Very proud of this koala for being the Aussie brave enough to get on Putins shirt's front.
http://t.co/oQWDD2Aws8
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Listen
@50cent
I don't want this to turn into a feud over who has more body building trophies because:
a) I respect you
b) I will crush you
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My son just watched JK Simmons acceptance speech and called me and we talked for an hour and a half. It was incredible. He's 9 months old.
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Call of the year so far from my dad-in-law: "honey, what's the Hi-Fi password?".
I don't know but I hope it's "stereo88"
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Yo
@50cent
are we feuding or not? My accountant needs to know so I can tax deduct certain items (bulletproof vests, safe house snacks, etc)
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It would be a ton of pressure if you're an elf who normally does wooden trains then Santa is like, "Make me 6 iPad airs by lunch"
#elflife
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These two men go on a cruise today. One has luggage, one will take only what he wears.
#fastandloose4eva
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Tried taking candy from a baby. So much shrieking & it just would NOT uncurl it's tiny fists. Far harder than anticipated. Still trying.
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I'm not just saying this; Tim from the bachelor PLEASE pick me I cannot live without you. I've thought about this for over 9 mins.
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If you're the guy who just beat me on Quiz Up and you rejected my rematch request you sir are a type of poultry popular in fast food.
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SPOILER: instead of "Winter is coming" this seasons
#GoT
catch phrase is the far more positive "Hasn't this just been a LOVELY Autumn?".
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So proud and happy for
@andy_lee
gold Logie nom! And also for taking out Revlons most kissable lips on the night (spoiler alert).
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I asked Apple if I could be Siri on the
#iPhone6
. They said how about just be on the ads. I took it.
http://t.co/wVOSGJUhDA
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Guys help make my Logies vision come true and vote for Ando to win gold! I'll take care of the burgers/angel bit.
http://t.co/4asNVA8qTh
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I'd like to nominate Agar for man of the match. England are nominating the umpires.
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May possibly be the only bloke doing an ep of the bachelor tonight parlayed into the Danny Green fight on Foxtel. Go Greeny!! (And romance)
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"You're the second day spaghetti of humans", he said. A tear slid down her cheek. She knew this was the greatest compliment available.
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"Hmmm. That's probably some thing of importance".
- most common thought walking around Rome whilst not being bothered to look at map.
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In hindsight I regret telling this stingray such a shocking secret.
http://t.co/Q6JbXjNpIx
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I wonder when Lou Bega will bring out Mambo No. 6? My candlelight vigil continues.
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Saw this rad original Jim Henson sketch for Big Bird today. Is it embarrassing I thought "so THAT'S how they do it!"?
http://t.co/OPqOHFJnNm
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If you were starting a law firm I bet you'd be annoyed the name "Justice Crew" was pinched by a band.
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Thanks for your messages guys. Ultimate Wingman loves every dokshindas (single) one of you.
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My super rad wife just had her book turned into a TV show! Hurt I wasn't cast as lead hot girl, but still so proud.
Based on the best-seller by
@zotheysay
, Jessica Marais stars in The Wrong Girl, coming in 2016.
#Ten2016
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