Jacob Barr
@guywiththehands
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634
Following
354
Media
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Statuses
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Pinned Tweet
I am actually just physically retarded
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My debate professor this morning: A Politician must be a master at debate to succeed!!!
Annoying kid in the front row interrupts: So you’re saying they must be a masturbator?
*30 seconds of silence
Prof: So thats all the disappointment I can take for today...class dismissed
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Dude fucked a dog
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I love you Adam I hope my bald spot smelled okay
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One time my wood shop teacher tried to give me a detention for asking someone to help me with my birdhouse because I couldn’t hold or use the saw properly...thanks mr Jabe! I hope you get hit by ANOTHER truck
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Stop being sad and depressed on twitter and go be sad and depressed in real life like a fucking adult
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My hands stopped me from riding a bike but the only thing that can stop me from riding a unicycle is GOD
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Last week I hit a car goin like 1 mph. Totally my fault I get out to check the cars, no marks on either… Guy and his wife get out…I apologize.
Then he goes “are you approved to have a license”. I say yes then he gets in his car and leaves.
This is funny but I am also hurt
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A lot of really exciting things are going on in my life and I feel like I’m building some actual confidence and self worth...come fuckin fight me I’ll kick your ass
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I watched
@GaryGulman
4 times this weekend and every set was spectacular!! If you don’t watch his new special when it comes out you’ll be making a huge mistake!
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Can we stop pretending that you need to respect people with different opinions that’s garbage. Dog if you’re sharing a bunch of racist/homophobic/etc shit on Twitter I’m not gonna respect and applaud you just because we’re allowed to think differently. You’re not worth respecting
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I gotta stop listening to rap music because at this point the only reason I want normal hands is so I can make gang signs
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Middle aged man to me before the show: I’ve actually done stand-up before...maybe I could teach you a few things if you end up not being funny
Me: That’s great man, enjoy the show
MAM: Yeah actually my wife and I just got a divorce
Me: that’s great man, enjoy the show
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Guy comes in to swipe his gf into the dining hall. His card gets denied but some other guy the gf knows comes to swipe his card for her. They go in together without bf while he just stands there visibly upset. Never seen a man get cucked for chicken patties and pasta, it was sick
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In honor of the 20 year anniversary of Jimmy Neutron here’s the greatest joke ever put on tv
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My dad gave me an edible from the dispensary he helps run because “it was expired and they couldn’t sell it”
I ate the thing and let me tell you while it’s physical form may have expired, it’s soul still burns with the passion of a thousand suns
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Me shaking a blind persons hand:
Blind person: “bro wtf why you shaking my hand with your foot”
Me: “No that’s my hand “
Blind Person: “Really? Fuckin gross dude”
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If this quarantine lasts too long I’m gonna start jerking off on camera because I know for a FACT that people would pay money just to see how I do it
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The best thing about being disabled is that I can't use fidget spinners
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Since Fortnite is down now y’all have time to play adult games like “emotional manipulation” and “how do I get a Xanax prescription without health insurance”
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I’ll show someone how I do push-ups and they’ll go “that form isn’t very good” while I painfully balance on my nubs and they can’t even do 20. Bunch of brittle boned bitches I will devour all of you
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Bout to perform in a comedy club full of high school students...pray for me
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Sorry for the shameless plug but on march 16th I'm opening for Ron Jeremy(yes the former pornstar) it's in Westland Michigan at the token lounge. If anyone wants to buy tickets the link is in my bio! Come see ya boi make some dick jokes
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If I get rejected from grad school I vow to renounce social work and start selling drugs to children
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Disabled people are now being referred to as “able-bodied”
Just a heads up if you call me that Shit I’ll actually fight you.
Being called “disabled” is fine chill out good people of the United States
I’d rather you just call me a cripple
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I sit in the back of the room so my professor never sees when i raise my hand. After class I said that since my arms are short it might be hard to see me
He goes
“Oh maybe we could get you like big fake hands so I can see you better”
Yeah or you could maybe just use your eyes
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May have served Sasha Obama some below average chicken wings today
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Some guy didn’t say thank you when I served him his food so I said “you’re welcome” anyway, then he turns around and goes “I didn’t say thank you”
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Ohhh okay then....so they can fix a dogs hands but not mine..
This is Milo. He was born with pupside down paws. Last month he had extensive surgery to fix them, but today he is home and happy and learning how to walk for the first time. 14/10 you’re doing amazing, Milo
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Thanks soooo much to everyone who voted for me! It really means a lot to me I love you fuckers
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Can you guys stop giving me free drugs please, it’s happened 3 times this week and let me tell you I am sick of it. Pls don’t come to my house (338 east Jefferson street) and give me any more free drugs. Do I look like the kind of guy who does drugs? no I don’t, I look like shit
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For the millionth time if you stare at my hands I'm gonna stare at your boobs... I don't make the rules here I just follow them
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Fun idea: Release everyone in prison who is in for marijuana related offenses, then add all their unserved years to the sentences of sexual abusers
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If this joke I wrote works tonight I’m gonna reward myself with a big bowl of oatmeal but if this joke doesn’t work tonight I’m still gonna eat oatmeal but I’m not allowed to let it cool down after it comes out of the microwave..and then I’m gonna call an ambulance
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One time in preschool my teacher introduced me to another handicap kid and wouldn’t stop calling us “Disabilabuddies”
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It's been over a year since I retired my endless collection of track pants...I'm very proud of myself...now ya bois wearing fake jeans
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If you spend hundreds of dollars on vape shit you might as well just start smoking crack it's cheaper and you'll die faster
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Liking but not retweeting someone is so toxic like oh you’ll touch me all night in private but you won’t show me off to any of your friends???
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Why the fuck would someone hire a kid with messed up hands to sell knives?
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For the love of god Stop being a terrible parent and teach your kids that some people look different, it takes 10 seconds and disabled people will greatly appreciate it 👍
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Interaction with homeless guy
Hg:hey you got 3 dollars for a vet
M:no sorry man
Hg:you got some weed
M: no
Hg: well I got some weed pussy
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@AndrewRulnick
@GuntherEagleman
@CollinRugg
Damn and you're the common denominator for both divorces? Nah bro must've been the blue hair
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I’ve had to explain to MULTIPLE college kids that having depression or anxiety doesn’t make you part of the “disabled community”
you’re not disabled and
You can’t sit at our rickety, three legged table at lunch
Keep talkin like that and I’ll make you disabled with these paws
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No Beau is Afraid?? Ari Aster gave us a 3 hour epic with paint drinking and a penis monster...the level of disrespect is outrageous. I will be killing myself
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Had a big assessment meeting with a 10 year old client today, got a lil side tracked because he wanted to spend 20 minutes talking about how he catches praying mantises, I was glued to my god damm seat
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This isn’t about the single MURDER of one citizen it’s about many MURDERS committed over many years
If you’re so “sickened” by all this why aren’t you attending peaceful protests, donating to charities, or sharing the words of black people who have been hurt by injustice?
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Since her hearing is so bad, instead of talking my Grandma just communicates with me by eating all my god damm Klondike bars
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I got accepted to UT so I guess that means I don't have to start selling crack
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I totally understand if you’re too busy to come to a show but if you constantly go “yo man I really wanna come see a show” or “hey man I’m gonna come to this show for sure” and then never actually go or try to...that hurts my feelings and soon I won’t want you to come at all.
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I've never had a roommate before...so I'm pretty sure the first thing I need to do when we meet is violently tongue kiss him to show him that I'm the big dog and I own these bunk beds bitch you sleepin on the floor
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Alrighty 9 Shows in 7 days...I might survive but I’m pretty positive my grades won’t
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Yeah my internship is great kids talk to me about Minecraft and Five Nights at Freddys then I respond by asking what they’d do if someone tried to give them a gun
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It’s been far too long since I’ve been belligerently drunk in a Walmart
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My dad becoming a legal weed dealer was not something I expected after seeing this Facebook post 6 years ago
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Not fucking up your dream is an amazing feeling and having your best friends support you along the way is even better
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Guys closer tonight at the showcase
“My dog is trans he thinks he’s a cat...his pronoun is meow”
*silence*
“Alright you have been a wonderful audience goodnight”
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Next time someone my age calls me buddy or champ I’m just gonna call em daddy to assert my dominance
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I saw a squirrel get hit by a car on my way to work so needless to say this pasta I’m serving is filled with my tears
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The foster care system takes children out of POOR homes and places them in ABUSIVE homes all the time. The foster care system is a horrible argument for anti-abortion
im actually pleading with y’all to stop telling these ppl that if they dont want a child just put the kid up in foster care…foster care is not the safe, kid friendly system y’all think it is. kids literally get lost in the system every day bc they’re deemed “a lost cause” or
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X did some really bad shit but he was only 20 and had so much time to make amends and he clearly showed the desire to change but now he won't get a chance and that just isn't fair...rip dog
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@LewisSimpsonMMA
@Boogerbeard1
Hello I am very interested! I have experience in broadcasting and copy writing. I've also been a working stand-up comic for many years now . I am also a die hard looking for an in!
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There's a ton of people who I still wish I could see everyday
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Going to prom with a freshmen is like bragging about being a future sex offender
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I made fun of furries on my Tiktok a few weeks ago and lost a bunch of followers. This really sums up my entire experience with the app
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There’s a women on the bus right now with a tattoo of an actual dick on her cheek and we’ve all been staring at it for the past 20 minutes....it’s a great day for sure
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The other day at work some guy asked me if I needed help putting on my gloves despite already having one on. How helpful! He was so helpful he even held my cock while I pissed on his face
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On my way home
Homeless guy: yo man can I get a couple bucks?
Me: sorry man I'm in a rush
Hg: you ain't in a rush fuck you
Me: yeah I am I really gotta Shit
Hg: I hope you choke on it...uh wait I mean...uh fuck you
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The only guy I tried to befriend told me he wouldn't talk to me unless I only called him slugger
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I showed my 7 year old cousin a magic trick once I was done he said he wanted to show me one but all he did was dab and run away laughing
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Spending Easter Sunday in my dorm room eating chili dogs I bought at the gas station because everywhere else is closed,
I think this is it for me guys it was nice knowing ya
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If I had a dollar for every time a college class has spent 15 minutes explaining fucking Pavlov’s Dog I could pay for my tuition
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Y'all make fun of people for watching the office but then watch a boring ass show like friends
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I’m really feeling the spirit of Dundee as these terrorists invade the capital
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When I opened for Chris Kattan in 2019 he did a 10 minute bit about YOLO, refused to take a picture with me, and said openers get paid too much these days...I was paid $30 lmaoooo
On this day in 2002, “Undercover Brother” premiered grossing $41M off a $25M budget
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If you don’t laugh at this next joke I’m going to kill myself when I get home
What’s your favorite generic stand up bomb recovery statement mine’s “that one was for me”
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when I was in kindergarten I got caught eating sand and girl in my class threatened to tell the teacher.
The only excuse I could come go with was that I HAD to eat sand because it was a family tradition and if I didn’t they would send me to an orphanage..follow your dreams
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My mom always tells me that I'll make new friends in college but I already have an amazing group of friends...I don't need any new ones
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You guys will be sorry once my unicycle comes in the mail..it’s over for you bitches
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I’ve been doing this thing where I drive other comedians to shows but I play so much playboi carti that they never ask me to drive again
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Guys in their 20’s wearing nightmare before Christmas merch from hot topic shouldn’t be allowed guns but they should be allowed(and encouraged) to shower more
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Guys it’s been decided...Potbelly has the best sandwiches. I am the only one qualified to make this decision so your opinions mean nothing
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Just saw a girl wearing choker and a fake tail...the schools being attacked by furries pls send help
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I mean graduating high school is cool and all but Gucci Mane just got outta jail so there's that
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Someone made a fake Instagram of me and is trying to scam people out of 500 dollars. Help fight identity theft by sending 500 dollars to me directly
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Kingdom hearts 3 is finally coming out in January...it was announced when I was a freshmen in high school...soon I'll finally be free of this curse
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I've kissed enough guys to know that I'm for sure not gay maybe?
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My grandma went to the grocery store 3 hours ago if we're lucky she'll get stuck looking at oatmeal and never come back
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Once when I was working at the arcade a kid came in and took a picture of my hands then came back and I shorted him by 300 tickets. Dude could’ve gotten a teddy bear but walked out with a handful of expired tootsie rolls...I feel bad about that shit every day
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This garbage. They searched his apartment and found nothing so they didn’t arrest him. But they searched ER’s apartment and found nothing then a week later he still killed all those people. the police are easily fooled PLS DONT GO TO CLASS JUST INCASE
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There was a guy behind me on the bus who was louding talking to someone on the phone for like 10 minutes before I turned around to see that he didn’t even have a phone and was just holding his hand up to his ear
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I'm just lookin for a nice gal with a great personality and no legs ya feel me?
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I had a major depressive episode smack me in the face during my workout this morning. This is a sign that I’ve just become too hot and my brain cannot handle it
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Who let justin bieber near a guitar? I'm pretty sure those are meant for musicians
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