Joel Morris
@gralefrit
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Writer & highwayman United Agents (TV, film, radio, games) Johnson & Alcock (books) Podcast: Comfort Blanket / Insta @gralefrit
Joined March 2009
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Out March 2024, and available for pre-order now… Be Funny Or Die (from Unbound).
Taking comedy seriously by taking it apart, and then laughing about the mess.
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I wish people wouldn’t just nick jokes on the internet without attribution or credit. This is Joe Lycett’s gag.
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“Not all men”? Who gives a shit? That it’s “All Women” is the fucking point. Every one of them with endless stories of an unbearable normality we don’t share and would never accept.
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Not seen it, so maybe it is awful, but for every review of the Super Mario movie by a tired critic who hates video games and kids films, a ponderous arthouse awards-bait film about sad people staring at one another needs to be reviewed by a 9-year-old full of Haribo star mix.
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If some of you people are giving up booze for January, but still want those lovely pubs to be there when you get back, some of us real heroes are just going to have to buckle down and do your drinking for you. Don’t thank me. It’s what I do.
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Remember learning that Prince Philip lived by the rule “never leave a place where you can go to the toilet without going to the toilet” and it’s a genuinely solid piece of advice that I’ve lived by since, and think of him every time I do so. I’m not even joking. So RIP for that.
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The BBC has to appease the government. Appeasement is the only way to stop people comparing the situation to 1930s Germany.
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Post-truth Pat. Post-truth Pat. Post-truth Pat and his black-is-white cat.
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Four Seasons Total Landscaping joins Barnard Castle and Pizza Express Woking as solid pub quiz answers for the 2030s.
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Wonderful. Never knew this. In 2016 Yoko Ono curated an exhibition by Icelandic artists which featured amongst its exhibits “a single plum floating in perfume served in a man’s hat.”
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At least the KLF fucking filmed it.
🔴 Rishi Sunak spends £500,000 of taxpayers’ cash on focus groups ‘to repair his image’
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Sitting here with the cat and wondering why cats don’t smell at all really, and dogs do, and so I looked it up, and it’s brilliant. Cats are mesopredators, who hunt smaller animals, but are also prey to larger ones…
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This government appear to be running the country (essential food and fuel shortages, water contamination, trade problems, essential services overwhelmed, utility outages) in a way that would make me conclude I’d fucked up a city simulation game and restart.
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BLOODY HELL. Had no idea this existed. In 2013, Google Street View mapped all of BBC Television Centre. Every floor. Go for a walk. They were filming a 50th Anniversary Dr Who thing at the time, so hunt down the sets. Quite emotional.
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Quick reminder to remain angry about those Downing Street piss ups. Same guys in power still. Same “screw you” attitude. A phalanx of cartoon sociopaths, whose behaviour on countless new, awful issues is still perfectly represented by that thing they did.
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Really struck by the section in this book about how laws that apply in the wider world were suspended within public school; so drugs, underage drinking, criminal damage are internal matters, not for the police. It completely explains Partygate. No 10 was school. How *dare* we?
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UK government issuing public health guidelines now resembling the person who has, three glasses in, chosen to read the rules of a new board game to the other drunk people round the table.
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A lot of uncertainty about at the moment, but considering this image is strangely reassuring.
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Congrats to the Ghosts team for being the most watched UK comedy show of 2023, pulling in 6m+ viewers.
A scripted sitcom beating the big-ticket ent / panel shows is a huge deal. Proving that if you build it (brilliantly) then they will turn up in droves.
Praise be to MOONAH!
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RIP Peter Usborne. These books (and so many more) were so important growing up. They seemed like the very special books. Trusted, and fun, and cool.
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The U turn on the tax cut seems to imply we need a place to debate these ideas before they’re announced. Maybe a “cabinet” or even “Parliament” system would be a good, if radical, idea. Maybe the proposals could even be in a “manifesto” which the public are allowed to vote on?
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The thing about populism is that it denies the existence of anyone who doesn’t support it. Suddenly we can see cities with all those people celebrating... they pretended those people didn’t exist, weren’t real people. But there they all are. I’d forgotten. Wow.
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Caught the very end of the Italian Job. A load of English people draped in flags have got overconfident about their ability to leave Europe, and now they’re stuck, unable to move, because they trusted something someone charismatic promised on a bus.
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The Beatles have got 3 weeks to write and record 14 songs. And if the studio goes under 108bpm, Ringo will explode. But George has given his guitar to a witch! Will they discover the true meaning of Christmas before Mr Banks closes the orphanage!? Get Back, on Disney+
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I know consequences have fallen out of fashion but if there aren’t any political consequences to killing your citizens in their thousands through dogma and incompetence, just because you reckon you can face it out, we’ve accepted a dumber, weirder universe than is healthy.
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Might stroll up the multiverse later and see how chaos with Ed Miliband is going.
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This new “Covid 19 gathers like smoke” campaign is a terrific bit of copywriting. It would have been useful in, say, April 2020 when aerosol transmission was known to be the problem, rather than BING BONG HANDYWASH BONGLY BOO STAY ALERT HAPPY BIRTHDAY or whatever they went with.
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The Mail’s Tiger comparison is only a good metaphor in that Johnson turned up at Number 10, ate all the food in the fridge, drank all the water in the taps and all Daddy’s beer, and has gone now, and it’s not clear quite what happened or why we let him do that.
If you’re a tiger that can get undone by mice, you’re a shit tiger.
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Can we make more of this? He broke the law. These arseholes did that with your money. Loads more money than Captain Tom made. They broke the law, taking advantage of a pandemic to rinse us like mugs. So... consequences? Or shall we not bother, yet again?
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We have Trident in case a one-in-a-billion thing goes wrong. It's really expensive insurance. Can we press to have the same level of cover for public health, please? Because it's proper twatty to be ready for a 1980s war, and not for a pandemic.
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I’m no fan but a thing I find baffling is how people are unable to separate their hatred of Coldplay’s success from their actual music. I’m in a cafe and Fix You has just come on and it’s fucking great and if it were by someone else, nobody would feel weird saying so. Feel weird.
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I’m a fan, yeah, but it occurred to me that since childhood, there probably hasn’t been a single day where I haven’t thought about Paul McCartney, or fleetingly hummed a piece of his work, or used his old band as an example of something. I’m sure I’m not alone. Happy birthday.
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Don't forget, she didn't just do a comedy sketch with Paddington, she also did one with James Bond. So rather than leaving bears and marmalade sandwiches at the palace gate in tribute, why not do a Dad pun, have sex with a damaged stranger and blow up a volcano?
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This also explains that lovely phrase “cat software running on dog hardware” to describe a fox. It literally is that. Mesopredator behaviour in an animal that looks like an apex predator.
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Apparently Spielberg’s new version of West Side Story went way over schedule because the Sharks kept breaking down.
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Dogs are pack animals, and when hunting or in packs, they need to be able to find one another, so they don’t clean off their scent. And even the smallest dog still thinks it’s a colossal apex predator, so it can stink happily.
I think that’s really cool.
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Going to say this again. Comedy isn't about "saying the unsayable". It's about making people laugh. The confusion comes because the building blocks are pattern-breaking and surprise, which is something comedy shares coincidentally with shock and rudeness.
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Yeah. There you go. Their only idea. Owning the libs. All they have left now.
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Almost everything that humans don’t understand about cats is down to them being mesopredators. It’s such a fragile, jumpy niche to occupy.
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By spending half of their waking hours grooming, they remove smell that would give away their location to bigger creatures who hunt by smell, like dogs…
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We might feel like idiots, but we’re not idiots for nixing parties, missing chances to mark birthdays, funerals, school leaving, work leaving. We were all trying to stop a pandemic. We did the right thing. They were sociopaths. And they need to be removed from responsible office.
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Favourite thing about Ghosts: it was always full of such generous, empathetic resonances about being trapped with family, echoing its audience’s lives during the pandemic. And its final episode was about choosing whom to be trapped with. Delivered on Christmas Day. To families.
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Daltrey specifically promised he wouldn’t get fooled again and then apparently he did.
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Remember: your ‘Local Tory’ candidate works for a party that gave your local money to their mates for local PPE that’s in a local skip, illegally killed local old people in your local care home and had a local piss up while we couldn’t say a local goodbye to our local loved ones.
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He’ll get loads of work done now. The wall will probably be up by next week.
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A pundit with an opinion that 50% of people share will have competition for broadcast work. But pick a mad fight that only 5% of people will stand for, and you're in demand, presented as a valuable balance to the accepted views of 95%, as if it were a 50/50 argument.
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When I want to calm myself down I just have to think, “Well, it’s either this or chaos with Ed Miliband.”
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First time I met Barry Cryer, I was 19, in the BBC bar. I wanted to talk about the old days. He wanted to talk about whatever I was into. So we talked about Absolutely. And he did a McGlashan impression and laughed for ages. He was an inspiration. One of the best. RIP.
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I know it’s meant to infuriate me, but for the love of fuck, STOP LYING ABOUT COMEDIANS IMMEDIATELY AFTER THEY DIE. Such poor taste. You trash their legacy, insult their memory, and cheapen the craft. Piss the whole way off, and shove your culture war up your arse on the way out.
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Ah, good to see conviction politicians speaking from the heart again.
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So happy Johnson’s managed to negotiate these concessions from the Coronavirus about barbecues. I was really worried we were going to have to put up with a No Deal Pandemic, but he’s made tough demands and it looks like the virus has realised it needs us more than we need it.
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With a budget of $63m, Fight Club only made back $37m at the box office, relying for its subsequent iconic status on word of mouth. Which was, if everyone's honest, against the rules.
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50 years ago today this message was sent to the now by Schulz.
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It’s a beautiful, writerly observation in Ghosts, that the character who has been forced to quietly watch other people for the longest will be the wisest. Love it so much.
#Ghosts
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This pointless story could be told by thousands of others who didn’t do this. This is yet again saying that he has special dispensation that the rest of us don’t have. It’s not about the details. It’s the government guidance to stay at home vs not staying at home.
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Claiming that the Brexit party experienced a huge swing to a new party is like saying that Tony Blair’s New Labour came out of nowhere in 1997. To quote Partridge “They’ve rebadged it, you fool.”
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Lockdown 2 is certainly going to be tougher and darker than the first one, but Lockdown 3 will have a speeder bike chase and loads more muppets, so something to look forward to there.
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So C19 is less dangerous for people in groups if they are making or spending money? Cash seems to have a strong antiviral effect. Maybe thread some elastic through a £20 note and wear that over your face?
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When Bond says “Bond, James Bond” in Dr No, he’s copying a woman saying “Trench, Sylvia Trench” at the same table immediately beforehand, but nobody round the table seems to hear her, and so he gets the credit. He then bases a whole career on it.
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In honour of today’s Comfort Blanket on cricket, here is Dutch sketch group Jiskefet on what English sport looks like to everybody else. One of the most perfect *sounding* sketches of all time.
Textbook: Strong bucket. Pure gibberish inside.
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Respect to The Mirror for describing Giuliani as “star of Borat 2” in their piece on the garden centre press conference. This is comedy gold.
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Trump's caddy, hovering nervously, unsure whether to hand him a 3-wood or a 3-woodn't.
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Would welcome more hack stand up routines on the difference between cats and dogs but which also included the word “mesopredator”.
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I’ve sat on loads of awards panels. Usually you’re choosing between roughly equally good stuff, and the gong goes to the one you all agree needs focus and attention. It’s a considered statement. And giving Louis CK a Grammy is both insane, and an act of aggression towards women.
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Just been watching some old documentaries and I am completely lost as to how these people being interviewed got into their chairs and acquired microphones. Totally confusing. Can’t follow it at all. Glad modern documentary makers have fixed this.
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I've put this as a footnote in the book, but I can't not share it. The name 'Mrs Mangel', a reference with 100% cultural penetration for my generation, that will ALWAYS get a laugh, is based on a character who was on screen in Neighbours for TWO YEARS. I know. It's unthinkable.
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Hope the BBC demands that any reference to Ke Huy Quan’s Oscar speech (a clearly political statement in favour of treating refugees as human beings with potential) is balanced by a reminder that a lot of people think it would be good if he’d drowned.
#Balance
#Impartiality
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Cancelling absolutely *everything* might seem weird to younger people, but it’s what a tiny number of very old, slightly dotty people consider the minimal appropriate action, and we must listen to them because that tiny sliver also chose our government. It’s their country now.
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The “is it a Christmas movie?” debate is fun, but all the Christmas movies I grew up with weren’t Christmas movies. The Great Escape or The Sound of Music or the Bond films or ET all feel hugely Christmassy. It was about scarcity of content and being a treat, not sleighbells.
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Cats don’t have many sweat glands either, so cool themselves with saliva, but that also means their sweat doesn’t break down and smell like human armpits etc…
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Nicholas Lyndhurst being in Frasier is a great “What!” story, but strange that you don’t immediately think a really good sitcom might need actors in it who have proved they’re… er… really good at doing sitcoms. He’s 100% got the chops, right?
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On the programme where Joe Lycett was really funny, there were also horrifying interviews with both potential prime ministers and it’s so out of our hands and insane that we’re even in this situation, that we’re discussing him, not them, in blissful denial.
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Sean Lock’s brilliant 15 Storeys High is hard to search for, because it’s got a number in the title and nobody can agree on how we’re spelling the second word, but that could be made easier if someone at the BBC would just put it all on telly again, as a repeat, maybe this week.
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Just a reminder (at this time) that it isn’t “Monty Python was never funny”. It’s “I never found Monty Python funny.” In any “not funny” statement, you’re the subject of the sentence.
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Just looked up foxes, by the way, and they are also usuallly mesopredators. So cats and foxes are equally wary, evolutionarily. When humans drive apex predators away, mesopredators can become apex predators. In cities, maybe the apex predator is the car.
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“The great British Valentine’s Day must go ahead! And to that end I’m saying on February 14th, please do travel as far as you can from home, and kiss or have full sex with as many strangers as possible! Oh. And buy a sandwich. We can beat this beastly pandemic together!”
NEW:
@BorisJohnson
tells broadcast pool he is 'looking at the potential of relaxing some measures' before mid-February.
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I hope Karen Allen is copy and pasting all Carrie Fisher's carefully hand-wrought fuck-offs in response for daring to appear near an aged Harrison Ford while being a human woman. Bloody hell.
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@sturgios
@MooseAllain
Yes. What you need is a T-Rex or a Hammerhead Shark. Put him in his place.
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It’s weird that thanks to gerrymandering, FPTP and the press, the only way to break one-party rule in our democracy is for the Tories to step down, one by one, as they’re uncovered as sex pests, but I must admit it does seem to be the fastest and most efficient way.
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These stories that Leave voters now regret it because their business has been affected reveal that none of them would have given a shit if the inevitable negative effects had spoiled other people’s work or lives. In fact that was probably the plan. “Oh good. Hated interrailers.”
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Less than a month ago, this crowing front page. Don’t let them try and pretend Truss went rogue. They *loved* what she was proposing. It was pwning the libs, swaggery stuff. They’re dissociating themselves not from the politics, or the economics, but the failure.
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Non Dom. Can you imagine living in a country and being really rich and asking not to help pay for its infrastructure that you use? What would have to happen to your brain to think “I reckon I’m exempt from that duty?” Like a loophole. “Ah, I never actually touch the pavements…”
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In a couple of weeks' time, I'm sending my child to school and risking everyone's health. Can I just keep them home and ask the government how their education will work out based on our postcode, income and whether we call it "tea" or "supper"? Seems safer.
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I enjoyed watching the game. But imagine if, say, Doctor Who fans watched a mid story-corridor running episode where nothing happened and it got them so wound up they needed to take their clothes off and hammer on the windows of a bus until the driver had a panic attack.
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You can punch up with comedy. You can punch down. Just like with actual punching, you can punch who the hell you like. But people can then judge you for who you’ve punched. Oh, and they might punch back. Punching doesn’t have special rules because you do it with a joke.
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Morning. It’s not about castles and eyetests and petrol. It’s about saying Stay At Home, Save Lives, and then saying you never said that because your mate’s in trouble. It’s about not giving a shit about the people you’re elected to govern. It’s not about him. It’s about them.
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This remains one of my favourite things that have ever happened on this silly planet.
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Snoop here reiterating the big point. If you explain your artistic career to a stranger, or a relative at a wedding, they all expect that you would benefit hugely from a big hit. But creators don't. And that's not a sustainable industry. That's theft of others' property.
Snoop Dogg blasting the streaming model and supporting the writers’ strike is my FAVORITE thing ever. 🐐
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Re: the regular call for relatable comedy, worth saying that Blackadder is a workplace sitcom about feeling you’re in the middle of a hierarchy of idiots whose incompetence makes your life harder. ‘Relatable’ in comedy is about dynamics not setting.
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Everyone likes John Major now, as if they’ve forgotten that he had that punch up with the Queen.
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