A Dad Influence
@gbergan
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What do you mean funny, funny how? How am I funny? Posts in the link below ⬇️
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Pinned Tweet
Whenever there's a baby delivered in a TV show, moms are required to say, "That's not a newborn."
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My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn't want them to see this mess.
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Worcestershire and iota having the same number of syllables is why I have trust issues.
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Most of marriage is understanding what really annoys your partner and doing it at just the right moment.
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Remember when a whole family would share a phone like total barbarians?
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The 90s were wild. Scientists actually "cloned a sheep" as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
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I know my dog loves me but if I had a squeaker in me, he'd gut me like a fish.
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When a teen emerges from their room on the weekend, dads are required to say, "It's alive!"
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I'm just handy enough to take on small home repairs and turn them into large home repairs.
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Not to brag but I went upstairs and remembered what I was there for.
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No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you'll always exit the farthest one from your car.
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You can't break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
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I'm sorry for what I said when I was sorting out the Christmas lights.
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wants their shoe tied but not that way.
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My wife called Froot Loops "flamboyant Cheerios" and she's not wrong.
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If your wife uses "I" it means she will be doing something. "We" means you will be.
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If Twitter implodes, we're all going back to bathroom walls, right?
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Get married so she can tell you you're stabbing your macaroni & cheese too loudly.
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Hey brain, it's OK to purge my childhood address if you need to make room for my Apple ID.
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Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
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Nothing is more conflicting for a dad than setting up the kiddie pool on a thriving lawn.
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The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
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What are people who decorate the backside of their Christmas tree trying to say to the rest of us?
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All I can say is, that COEXIST car dealership sure sells a lot of Subarus.
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My wife just signed us up for swing dancing and all I can say is, that's a helluva way to ask for a divorce.
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Rival dad just offered me his leftover fertilizer. What kind of passive-aggressive BS is this?
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Why is coffee the only bean beverage? Perhaps I would enjoy a nice Garbanzo to start my day.
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I think my wife is really mad at me. She barely touched my fries.
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@TheAndrewNadeau
At which point Jesus appeared saying unto me, "Please stop throwing my body at the angels."
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Why are golf and tennis the only sports that have a miniature version?
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Shout out to the ice cream truck driver blasting Vanilla Ice. This is exactly what we need right now.
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Considering the human body is 80% water, you'd think we'd slosh more when we walk.
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An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
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If I ever have a knee replacement I hope they use flamingo knees so it will be easier to put my socks on.
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I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
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Cops on TV shows could avoid a lot of chases if they just didn't yell "police" from so far away.
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Super excited the child is coming home for Christmas so he can text us from his old bedroom.
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In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away "a good box."
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I wish I were half as committed to my job as the guy who screws lids onto pickle jars.
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It really annoys my wife how often I quote movies in conversation. So I got that going for me, which is nice.
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I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
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Can’t, car broke down and I’m busy staring at the engine like I know what to do.
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If I ever robbed a 7-11, I'd wear platform shoes and pause by the door on the way out.
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Thanks for waiting. I was at the grocery store trying to open a produce bag.
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Pretty sure cauliflower crust pizza was one of the 10 plagues of Egypt.
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Yogurt's "best by" date should be in the past, when it was milk.
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Parenting is a demanding job because asking politely doesn't work.
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Are you ok? You've barely talked about your air fryer all day.
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Just opened our energy bill and that's it, no more preheating the oven.
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Boss: You're twice as negative as anyone here.
Me: I don't disagree.
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An amazing thing about children is they can fall asleep just about anywhere. But won’t.
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When you are clearing the garbage disposal, are you a little afraid that your free hand will turn it on, or are you normal?
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Plot twist: These orcas are just three penguins in a trench coat.
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A haircut hits different the first time a stylist offers to trim your eyebrows and ears.
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Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it's like they can't even hear the suspenseful music.
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Ruin your child's day by cutting their sandwich horizontally like a monster.
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A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
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The way people have started calling me sir is just hurtful.
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A kid at the playground just told his mom, "Let's blow this joint" like some prohibition-era mobster.
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Just saved a $150 service call by replacing a $30 furnace ignitor myself and now I wanna box a kangaroo.
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Not saying I've lost a step but I just tripped over a parking stripe that was painted a little thick.
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I was led to believe I'd spend more time as a dad resting my eyes.
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A sword is a perfect weapon when you feel like stabbing someone yet still want to keep your social distance.
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My toxic trait is forgetting where I set down the tool for the project I started only five minutes ago.
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The web of lies that keeps the Christmas magic alive is exhausting.
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Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
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Accidentally took a bite of a vegan burger and now I can't stop playing hackeysack with a guy named River.
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My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
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A food truck is just a drive-thru window that meets you halfway.
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Thinking about sneaking into a DQ to spray the insides of the Blizzard cups with non-stick.
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I wish I had the confidence of every sports parent whose 10-year-old is definitely going pro.
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My Fitbit will tell me if I need to stand, yet it totally did not notice my wife's new haircut. Technology sucks.
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Just stumbled upon my wife's skin lotion drawer and, apparently, I married Buffalo Bill.
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Our dryer makes the clothes smell bad and now the heat has gone out. It’s a funky cold machina.
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My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it's someone else's idea.
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My wife's superpower is coming up with better ways to get away with the crimes committed on Dateline.
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An ear, nose, and throat specialist is just a doctor of head holes.
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I’ve missed so many turns that Waze just told me to take an Uber.
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Yesterday I was young and fearless and today I'm putting leaf guards on my gutters. Life comes at you fast.
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One day you're young and the next you're pressing your remote again from across the parking lot just in case.
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I swing my arms on the escalator to make my Fitbit think I'm climbing stairs.
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I just got out my cargo shorts for the summer and found my reading glasses, the TV remote, and a missing Picasso.
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You can lead a horse to water but it makes more sense to just ride it there.
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My wife and I play this cute game where she puts away ingredients I'm about to use without telling me.
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Turns out that when you're on hold for Southwest Airlines, you're also in line for Taylor Swift tickets.
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Pretty sure Pat Benatar shared a bathroom sink when she wrote Love is a Battlefield.
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Middle age is wild, you'll now recommend "that movie with the guy that does the thing."
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Just wrapped my gifts without patching a single short side so, obviously, I'm buying a lottery ticket.
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