Guffers
@gavmacn
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I never wanted to be different, I just wanted to be me.
Touching The Void
Joined August 2012
Wait a minute, we’re supposed to NOT detest the people that caused this?
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Nadine Dorries has tried to submit a letter of resignation, but accidentally adopted a snow leopard.
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Train ticket to Munich: €450 . Match Ticket: €150 . Pint in stadium: €8 . Bus to hotel after .losing to Germany: €8. Not being English: Priceless.
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Nothing says Christmas 2018 like a billionaire sitting in front of a gold piano telling us all to pull together through this difficult time.
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In 1959, Volvo invented the three point seat belt and released the patent to it for free, realising it would save millions of lives. In 2020, James Dyson asked for a tax cut before he would even try to save a life, then moved his business abroad. Don’t buy a Dyson.
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Downing Street has had more confirmed COVID cases today than New Zealand.
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*BREAKING*. Kensington Palace releases new picture of Kate to prove she’s fine. #katespiracy
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Dominic Raab has tried to hand in a letter of no confidence to the 1922 Committee, but ended up accidentally sponsoring a snow leopard.
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“With the barristers on strike, where am I going to get my favourite morning coffee…”
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Welcome to Glasgow, where a global pandemic hits and still nobody will touch anything vegan.
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Remember, it’s illegal to sleep on the streets of Windsor if you’re homeless, but absolutely fine if you do it wrapped in a flag.
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Philip Schofield: .“Be sure to tune in tomorrow, where the general public are hunted by bears for the chance to win a tub of Lurpak.
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Charles was escorted by German Audis, by people carrying Swiss guns, he wore stolen Indian diamonds, in a carriage pulled by Canadian horses and you watched it sitting on a Swedish couch eating Chinese food watching a Japanese TV. Pipe down.
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Living in Scotland is like being in a nice apartment above a meth lab sometimes.
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Incredible how differently Britain treats its veterans, depending on their circumstances.
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BBC Scotland stop an ordinary voter in the street to ask about independence:
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David Clapson, 59, died in 2014 after his £71 a week jobseekers was stopped and he couldn’t afford the electricity for his fridge to keep his insulin cool. He then died freezing and alone of diabetic ketoacidosis. This guy would be taxed 96p a week more.
“I’d like to call out Labour as liars. I am one of the people he will tax more”. This audience member, who earns over £80,000, criticises the taxation promises in the Labour Party manifesto. #bbcqt
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Remember people, it’s illegal to block the road for your children’s future, but fine if you do it to celebrate your subservience.
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I think I speak for all of Scotland, when I say: . Get it right up ye.
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Antivaxxers now attacking the Apple store as they think it’s owned by Bill Gates. #londonprotest
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Glasgow, the only city in the world where you can whip out a pistol, and still get your cunt kicked in 😂.
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So the Scots Tory leader claimed back 84p for a bottle of water, then flew to London to cut £20 off universal credit, but conveniently forgot to declare £30k?.
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“And on the third day, Jesus rose, as the DWP had found him fit for work” . Toryinthians: 20:24.
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“What do we want!” . “No more restrictions!” . “What are we gonna do?” . “Gather a large group of unvaccinated people in the highest COVID rate city in the country!” . #londonprotest
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In a week of Orange walks, sectarianism, bigotry and racism, Rangers are beaten by a team called Progres. Carlsberg don't do irony. .
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The new Dr Who is a black Rwandan refugee who grew up in Scotland. The Daily Express will be having an aneurysm.
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Johnson: “The Brexit glass is half full!”. Starmer: “The Brexit glass is half empty!” . Nicola Sturgeon: “The Brexit glass is full of shit and on fire, what the fuck is wrong with you?”.
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Incredible drone footage of Auld Reekie, and a disturbing soundtrack. Credit: Jamie Hodgson
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Liz Truss meets the only pensioner in the UK who can afford to put four lights on at once.
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Why don’t we give the nurses the money from Trident and clap for the nuclear warheads instead?.
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With the conditions being as awful as they are, I thought I’d visit my 90 year old neighbour and ask if she needed anything from the shop, Turns out she did. So I gave her my list too. No point in both of us going out in this terrible weather. #StormCiara.
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Why is the tiny Sihk community helping out the stranded lorry drivers, while the multi billion Church of England sit on their hands?.
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In light of the UK conscription threat, Michelle Mone has won a £100m contract for body armour. #conscription
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A week ago these people were howling another referendum would be too divisive.
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Totally behind clapping for the NHS, but if you voted Tory in December please have a massive shite in your hands first. #clapforNHS.
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None of that foreign muck. The country has officially lost its marbles.
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The UK:.Ordinary punter hits car, injures 3yr old while drink driving:. “Jail the fucker”. Ant McPartlin hits car, injures 3yr old while drink driving:. “Oh its not his fault, he has his demons, poor guy, hopefully he makes a comeback”.
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Orange Order:.“We are against any discrimination of any kind” . Also the Orange Order:
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The BBC seem to put 1300 drugs deaths in Scotland down to bad government, but 150,000 Covid deaths in the UK is just unfortunate.
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The same people who were defending the statues in George Square last year have just left this around them and the War Memorial.
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If England has a “circuit breaker”, Wales has a “fire break, surely Scotland has to have a “Loch Down”.
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Theresa May has asked everyone to check on their frail elderly neighbours during this cold snap, and if they have an extra bedroom, report them to the DWP. #TheBeastFromTheEast.
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*BREAKING NEWS*. Nicola Sturgeon admits to smoking the Tories at the last five elections.
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You know you’ve made an absolute howling cunt of it when even Orkney have a street protest. #StopTheCoup
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Tuesday: .Douglas Ross demands rapid loosening of COVID restrictions. Wednesday:.Douglas Ross self isolating.
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Prince Andrew 2020: “Never met her” . Prince Andrew 2022: “My millionaire paedophile friend paid her off so you can’t charge me”.
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*BREAKING*. An elite Brexiteer Gibraltar Defence Force has landed on mainland Spain.
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We need to tighten use of masks,says man who refused to put one on in a hospital three weeks ago. #DowningStreetBriefing.
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Jamaica: “We want to move away from our colonial past” . Royal family: “Hold my beer”
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For those of you who missed it last night, Greg Hemphill’s excellent Neil Oliver sketch:
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The ISS, orbiting 300 miles above the earth can see the 17 mile queue at Dover due to Brexit. The BBC somehow, cannot.
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The only time I want to see three lions on Boris is an accident at Blair Drummond safari park.
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The elite Brexiteer Fisheries Protection Unit have landed in Calais:
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Thanks to #Dispatches we now know that the highest death toll in Europe wasn’t unlucky, it was a corrupt government selling contracts to their dodgy mates.
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Daily Mail on closing pubs in Scotland: . “Death sentence for hospitality industry”. Daily Mail on closing pubs in England:. “Bold Boris takes control to eliminate the virus”.
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Strange that there’s no race riots north of the border, no? . Almost like it’s one mentality that’s the problem…
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Hilarious that people with Rangers avatars are calling Glasgow a mess during COP26 after they left George Square like this.
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BBC Scotland stop a random punter on the street for their views on a second referendum:
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Why are you all obsessed with the Churchill statue? . Eyes on the prize lads.
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The Scottish Tories are complaining about Glasgow being in Level 3, while they stayed silent when 15,000 Rangers fans rioted a fortnight ago in George Square.
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So wait, England’s new COVID strategy is to copy the one Scotland has been using since March, after criticising it all year?.
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That’s an open motorway, not the DMZ in North Korea, you weapons grade shit gibbon.
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BBC Scotland there, claiming the bottle deposit scheme “will fuel organised crime” because criminals will load a lorry with empties in England and claim the 20p back in Scotland. Nobody did it with Barr’s products before, why would they now? . What a lot of shite.
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Jimmy Buchan, of Trawlermen fame, voted for Brexit but is now on Channel 4 News saying it’s putting him out of a job. Shame.
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So, tonight’s big Brexit News:. Theresa May has been given a mandate by Parliament to go back to the EU and be told to fuck off in 27 different languages. Again.
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Lewis Capaldi going up to collect a Brit Award with a bottle of Buckfast. Not all heroes wear capes. #Brits2020
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Just made some delicious cheap soup. £1 for the tomatoes, 25p for an onion, 10p for a stock cube and £65 for the gas to heat it up.
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Wait, so the right wingers can breathe through the first, but not the second? . #maskedsheep
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