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@fuckmylifecaps
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sharing the best “Fuck My Life” confessions! 💀
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Today, I found out my 7-year-old daughter really did lie about my husband’s “other girlfriend“ as revenge for being grounded, and that he never cheated on me at all. We‘re well into our divorce proceedings and he won’t forgive me for not believing him when he denied it. FML
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Today, I was in my new boyfriend’s apartment for the first time. As I was flipping through his photo albums, I came across one full of disturbingly candid pictures of me. I found some as early as my trip to the state fair, three years ago. I met my boyfriend two months ago. FML
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Today, I finally got up the courage to talk to my four-year boyfriend about how insecure I‘ve been feeling in our relationship recently, and how I needed his support while I try to get my self-esteem back on-track. He fell asleep mid-conversation. FML
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Today, I saw a bulge in my friend’s pocket. I poked it and asked, “What’cha got there?” He said, “Uh, that’s my dick, Mike.” FML
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Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. After he did, he walked over to his friends. I saw him tell them that he broke up with me. After he finished all of them cheered. FML
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I told my grandma I was self conscious about my boyfriend being slightly shorther than me. Her reply was ‘height doesn’t matter when you’re on your back my dear’. She’s 90. FML
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Today, I broke the glass of the photocopier trying to photocopy my ass. My boss will be here in five hours. She‘ll know it was me. I‘m the only night guardian. FML
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Today, I was having s*x with my boyfriend. Halfway through he asked me what day it was. I told him, "Friday." He jumped up and ran over to the TV yelling, "Oh my God! Shark week is almost over!!" I was cock-blocked by the Discovery Channel. FML
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Today, my guide dog sneezed so hard that it slammed its head on the floor and knocked itself out. I have to trust this dog with my life. FML
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Today, I went out on a first date with a cute guy. Turns out we won’t be going on a date again because I didn’t know the difference between “Star Wars“ and “Star Trek“. FML
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I was having s*x with my girlfriend doggy-style and noticed a piece of toilet paper had been left behind. I had such a bad internal conflict about wheter to tell her or to remove it myself; I went limp. She started crying and accused me of not being attracted to her anymore. FML
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Today, I was hitting on a girl, and I was sure I could get her to sleep with me. When she finally gave in and was putting her number into my phone, she called my mom and asked her if she raised me to “sexually harass women.” FML
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Today, I realized that when my boyfriend said, ”I‘ll love you forever“ what he really meant was, ”I‘ll love you until I meet your significantly more attractive sister.“ FML
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Today, I was getting intimate with
my girlfriend. She pulled down my trousers, saw my Poke-ball boxers, and absolutely lost it. I had to lie next to her in bed for the next 10 minutes hearing her howl with laughter while crying “Dikachu, I choose you!” FML
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Today, my mom showed to my girlfriend my naked baby photos. My girlfriend said nothing‘s changed. FML
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Today, I proposed to my girlfriend by knocking on her door and kneeling in front of it. I forgot that her door opens outwards. FML
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Today, while in class our exchange student turned to quietly ask „have you got a rubber?“ shocked but trying to be nice I reached in my purse and handed her a condom. She looked horrified and moved seats. It was later explained to me that in Europe a rubber is an eraser. FML
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Today, my boyfriend took a picture of us together because he wanted to have something to burn when we break up. FML
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Today, I dressed up as Batman for a comic book convention. I was hit by a car on the way there by a man dressed up as the Joker for the same convention. FML
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Today, while having my husband’s boss at home. My 3-year-old son decided to burst into the living room naked and yell “mum look! Pen*s!” And wiggled it around...
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My older brother searched up gay p*rn on my laptop. That same day, I sold it to our uncle for $200 without wiping any data. A few weeks later his wife found the porn and it ended in a divorce. FML
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Today, I was in the car with my mom and dad. My mom turned around and asked, “Have you had sex yet?” I said no, which is true. My dad cracked up and said, “Told you so!” My mom frowned, took out her wallet, and handed him $20. My parents bet on my nonexistent sex life. FML
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Today, I thought I heard my little sister playing on my brand new grand piano. Angry, I ran downstairs to stop her. My parents were having s*x. On my piano. FML
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Today, I was about to lose my virginity to my girlfriend, with whom I am genuinely in love. Right after I'd got the condom on, she said, "You do know this is break-up s*x, right?" FML
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Today, I was singing in a terrible voice on purpose during a Zoom call from school, thinking I was on mute. I carried on, until a message saying, “The host has muted you” appeared on my screen. FML
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Today, I asked my boyfriend to honestly tell me if I had become overweight. He replied that yes, I had, but that it was OK because I was his “Lumpy Space Princess.” FML
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Today, I was babysitting. Everything was going well until the kid called 911 on me for making him eat his vegetables. FML
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Today, I realized the only reason my mom trusts me to stay home alone for long periods of time is because I don’t have enough friends to throw a party. FML
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Today, I had diarrhea in a Walmart bathroom for 15 minutes. Apparently, so did the guy in the stall next to me. He attempted to make small talk to pass the time. FML
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Today, I got a new cell phone number and sent a text to my wife. Playing around, I said, “Hey sexy are you alone yet? I’m ready to come over.” She responded with, “Hey, yeah he is at work - did you get a new number?” FML
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Today, at my job as a police officer, I had to arrest my own girlfriend for having s*x at Walmart. She tried to get me to let her out on the grounds of being “pretty” and dating me. She wants to continue the relationship. FML
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Today, I came home to find a sock on my bed that I had previously used to whack off. It had googly eyes and a mouth drawn on it with a note that read, “Because you can’t find a real girl, I made your current one prettier, Love Mom.” FML
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Today, my girlfriend was on top during sex. I went to slap her butt, missed and nailed myself in the balls. We had to stop. She wouldn’t stop laughing. FML
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Today, my lonlieness pushed me to buy a pack of cigarettes just so I had to show my ID to the clerk, hoping he would wish me happy birthday. I dont even smoke and he didnt say anything. FML
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Today, I found out that because I’m a cop, my 5-year-old son thinks the only way he can contact me is by calling 911. FML
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Today, after having a pretty rough day, I decided a nice, hot shower would be great. Ten minutes in, the shower head apparently couldn’t take the water pressure anymore, and it flew off and hit me in the face. FML
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Today, my boyfriend gave me a long, philosophical explanation about how he doesn’t love me, but we should still have s*x. FML
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Today, I bought my fiancée a dress for her birthday. She accused me of saying she was fat, because I bought it in medium rather than small. After trying on the dress, she’s now not only mad at me for buying it, but also because the dress fits perfectly. FML
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Today, I took my 2 year old to the
ear doctor since he had stopped responding. He told me that his ears are ok. He's just ignoring me. Fml
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Today, I told my boyfriend how my mom passed away when I was 11 after crashing her car into a tree at night. He muttered, “Women drivers.” FML
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Today, I realized that due to my anti-depressants, I can no longer orgasm. At. All. Which depresses me more. FML
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Today, I attempted to cheat on a test by writing some notes on my hand. During the test I had a question. I raised my hand. FML
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Today, my boss asked me, can I give, “Can I give you some constructive criticism?” I said yes. He told me, “Your work is really shit. You have no talent and I can’t figure out why I hired you. FML
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Today, I was Skyping with a guy I‘m really into. I‘m not supposed to Skype at night, so when I heard my mum coming, I minimized the window. She walked in before I could mute my mic and started bitching me out for flushing my tampons down the toilet. FML
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Today, I have a friend who has consumed almost every known drug in our country, but refuses to get the Covid vaccine, claiming that, “It contains the 5G, and I won’t let them control me.“ FML
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Today, I burned both my hands at work so I had to ask my husband for help changing my tampon, but he refused saying it would make him feel sick. This from the man who routinely sticks his tongue in my asshole when we have s*x. FML
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Today, I almost died in the shower when I slipped and my dumbass self tried to grab the water. FML
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Today, in the middle of having s*x, my girlfriend stopped moaning. I asked what was wrong. She said “I’m bored, but I’ll let you finish.” FML
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Today, my 21 year old daughter introduced me to her new boyfriend. I had to call him „sir“ for two reasons: he is 59 years old and he is my boss. FML
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I found out my boyfriend was cheating. We went to a party, I blew a random guy in the bathroom and kept the c*m in my mouth. Then I kissed my boyfriend and broke up with him. FML
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Today, my husband admitted that he’s been spying on me for the last 5 years to see if I was cheating, out of paranoia brought on by his own cheating for all 5 of those years. FML
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Today, I started crying in class because of a sad part in the book I was reading. I got pulled out into the hallway and my male teacher asked,
“Is it your special time?” FML
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Today, I found out the guy that my girlfriend introduced as her brother was actually her boyfriend. I also paid for him to come out with us to the movies several times. FML
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Today, my boyfriend renewed his driver’s license and showed me the picture. I told him he needed to go back because they’d put the wrong birthdate. Turns out the idiot forgot he’s been lying to me about his age the whole time we’ve been together. He’s not actually 30. FML
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I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom says “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard, she will throw the ball to you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “...where’s the pretty one?“ FML
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Today, while tearfully telling my closest friends that I had miscarried my first pregnancy, the first thing out of their mouths was, “So, does this mean you’re going to start drinking with us again?” FML
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Today, my husband and I were watching Jurassic Park. At the end of the movie, he commented on how amazed he was that they could “train those dinosaurs” to do exactly what they wanted them to do. FML
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Today, my son got expelled after using the photocopier to photocopy his p*nis. He then used the copies to replace every directional arrow posted throughout the school. FML
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Today, my five-year-old daughter came home from school. It was cold and she was very tired. I said, “Take off your socks and blow your nose.” She took off her socks and blew her nose into them. FML
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Today, I was getting sick of listening to the guy in the next room over getting nasty with some girl, so I called my girlfriend to see if she wanted to go get some food. Then I heard her phone ring. Through the wall. FML
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I saw my step mom giving bj to my bestfriend’s boyfriend last week. Yesterday, she said to my dad that she is pregnant. I don’t know whose child is this wh*re carrying. Let’s hope the baby comes out white. FML
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Today, I asked my mom what her biggest craving was when she was pregnant with me. Her answer: an abortion. FML
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I male 30 confess, that today for the first time ever, a woman saw my p*nis. I’m 30 years old. The woman was my doctor. She snorted to cover a laugh and apologized. FML
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Today, I decided to tell my mom about my choice to wait to have sex until after marriage. She laughed and said “Is that your excuse for not being able to get laid?” and walked out of the room. FML
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Today, my best female friend sent me a nude to make sure it looked good before she sent it to the guy she likes. FML
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Today, my daughter is engaged to her soon-to-be fifth husband. She’s 32 and refuses to believe she’s the problem in relationships, and she wants me to pay for this wedding. FML
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I’m adopted and I downloaded tinder for the first time. I met up with this really hot girl and we f**ked and I came in her. Fast forward to summer went to meet my biological family and she lived there. FML
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Today, my boss fired me via text message. I don’t have a text messaging plan. I paid $0.25 to get fired. FML
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Today, my boyfriend took me out to a fancy dinner. Halfway through, he said he wanted to break up. I started crying, but the whole restaurant thought he‘d proposed, and started clapping. FML
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Today, my husband‘s idea of social isolation is to lock himself in his caravan with his Xbox, 200 cans of beer and a dozen takeaway menus. I‘ve not seen him in 6 days, and when I tried to force entry to tell him to snap out of it, he sprayed disinfectant at me. FML
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Today, my teacher yelled at me for using my phone in class. I apologized out loud, knowing that it would help me get off easier. She was yelling at somebody else. FML
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Today, my boyfriend bought me a vibrator for my birthday. Sounds sweet, right? Then he invited my 10/14-year-old cousins to our house. They surprised me in my room while I was using it. FML
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Today, as I got down on one knee, and was in the middle of saying “Will you marry me?”, she answered a text message. Apparently it was more important. FML
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Today, my cat woke me up at 3am by jumping on my nutsack. FML
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My roommate told me that when he takes a shower, he likes to swipe the bar of soap in between his butt cheeks, "like a credit card." I use that soap on my face. FML
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Today, I had to shit really bad while I was in bed with my girlfriend. Luckily she was sleeping. I didn’t want to be obvious, so I closed all the doors, crept into the bathroom and sat on the toilet. I accidentally let out the loudest fart. I got a text saying “Are you good?” FML
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We’ve been sleeping together for a year now, and I think i’m pregnant with his baby. The only thing is, he’s marrying my sister next month. FML
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Today, my daughter is engaged to her soon-to-be fifth husband. She‘s 32 and refuses to believe she‘s the problem in relationships, and she wants me to pay for this wedding. FML
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Today, the condom slipped off, because my boyfriend refuses to admit that he needs to use smaller condoms. FML
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Today, my daughter confessed that she’s pregnant from a one-night stand with some guy she met on vacation in Florida a few months ago. The dirtbag never told her his last name and the phone number he gave her was fake. FML
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Today, I moved in with my new roommate. She‘s a vegetarian, and won‘t let me put my meat in the fridge because it will ”contaminate her food“. FML
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Today, while at the supermarket, I came back to one of my car windows smashed in. Apparently, the stuffed animal my son left in the back seat looks like a dehydrated dog. FML
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Today, my wife asked me for a divorce, shortly after I found out she’s been having an affair. Then our country placed us on quarantine for Covid-19. Now I’m stuck living with her until it goes away. FML
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Today, my wife informed me that she could lose her job at the local high school, why? She accidentally sent a student a nude photo of her that she meant to send to me. FML
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Today, I wrote my phone number on a post-it note and gave it to a cute girl at work. She immediately threw it away. In front of me. FML
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Today, I told the guy I’ve been in love with for a year how I felt. He replied, “There will never be an us, but you can send nudes if you like.” FML
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Today, I decided to get in the cowgirl position since it’s my fiancé’s favorite. I got a little carried away during the “ride“ and suddenly heard his dick crack. I fractured his pen*s. He‘s never going to have s*x with me again. FML
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Today, I tried to prank my girlfriend, I said „I saw you kissing another guy!“ she apologized! FML
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Today, my husband rolled over in his sleep, cuddled up to me, and lovingly whispered “I love you Pizza Hut...” FML
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My boyfriend and I got a webcam so we could watch our dog. Usually we unplug it, but I accidentally left it on during s*x. Well we made a home movie and I don’t know if he’ll ever talk to me again. FML
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So I’m a girl, and my dad found out I watched ‘the hub’ and offered to buy me stuff to ‘make it easier.’ FML
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Today, I showed my colleagues how I could switch on my webcam at home from the office. That’s how we all found out my wife is cheating on me. FML
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So I went on a date with this girl... and who’s our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn’t tell me about to afford my bday present. FML
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Today, my boyfriend told me that I needed to moan louder so that he knew I was enjoying it. Reluctantly, I put a little ‘umph’ into my moans during the next round. He pulled out and said, “It’s just awkward now.” FML
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Today, two days after sending her flowers for Valentines Day, my dream girl asked me on a date. She didn’t show up. Her boyfriend did though. FML
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Today, I caught my pregnant wife smoking. This is after I quit over a month ago to show her my support and be a good influence on our child. FML
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Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. All of the sudden, he whispered in my ear, “Do you want to hear a minecraft joke?” FML
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Got so drunk last night I thought my friend had heated seats, Instead I sat on freshly made pizza he had just picked up. FML
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Today, for the first time ever, a woman saw my p*nis. I’m 30 years old. The woman was my doctor. She snorted to cover a laugh and apologized. FML
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