Proud Conservative member. Served in Cold War One (Para D-Squadron). National treasure. Pin up. Love taking fellow patriots up The Albion
@theperfalbion
Boris has called an emergency COBRA meeting to discuss the Indian variant. Now that he’s successfully got it into the country, there are loads of new contracts to dish out.
Late Cobra meeting last night. We couldn’t order in for pizza so had pot noodles. You should have seen Dido Harding’s face when the hot water was added. Mind. Blown.
Boris has called an emergency COBRA meeting to discuss this new Omnicron variant. We need to mobilise quickly as there are unexpected contracts to hand out. Christmas has come early!
I created this account during the pandemic as I was bored. It was fun and I think it made a few people laugh (I’m not Mark Francois). Since Musk bought Twitter to ensure that free speech only benefitted the hard right it’s become less fun. Give me a 👋 if you love democracy.
I received this heartwarming email from a constituent:
“Just to let you know that, thanks to Brexit, we have sold our 3 bed villa in Spain and bought a 2 bed flat in Rayleigh. We can’t believe this has happened.”
Welcome home patriots! 🇬🇧
Liz Truss got in touch with me as she wanted some advice on how to deal with India in trade negotiations. We’re going to watch Carry On Up The Khyber on Sunday afternoon.
Boris has called an emergency COBRA meeting to discuss ministers using their government positions for personal financial gain. It’s actually going to be more of a brainstorming session than a meeting.
Delighted to see my good friend Andy is featured in the Sunday papers. There’s a face that represents everything that is great about our wonderful Party.
I can’t be bothered to be an MP today so I’ll be ignoring all constituent correspondence and will be focussing on new ways to financially exploit the pandemic instead.
Delighted to announce that my first hotel, Marcois Mansions Heathrow, will be opening next week. Some said it was a risky time to enter the hospitality business but risk doesn’t scare me, I was a soldier.
Disappointing breakfast at MaccyD’s. I had a McBread Sandwich and a glass of McTapwater. They super sized the McTapwater when I showed them my picture of Ian Botham’s knob.
Text from Chief Whip: “You use Twitter, are you seeing the
#TorySleaze
hashtag? I’ve texted everyone and asked them to shutdown any mention of
#TorySleaze
. The public adore you, convince them that there is no
#TorySleaze
. The last thing we need is a
#TorySleaze
scandal.”
For the record, I shall not be writing to the 1922 Committee for the following reasons:
1) I don't know what it is
2) I can't be arsed
3) I'm not real
I hope that makes my position clear.
Cheeky foreign mare, Ursula von der Leyen, said “the Brexit agreement was written in English so they could understand it". Well the joke’s on her as we didn’t understand it! 🇬🇧
Meeting two of my old army buddies for lunch. We like to get together at least twice a year to reminisce about our time in the forces. We saw things in Llandudno that created a bond no one will ever break.
I’ve sacked my PA. I was fond of her but she acted unprofessionally. She arranged for my team to visit an art gallery as a team treat. At no point did she tell me that Camilla from accounts went to a state school and wasn’t qualified to visit a gallery. Dom found out and flipped.
I’ve been invited to referee the GBEEBIES’ Mourn Off. Dan and Darren are both grieving like no one else has ever grieved before. It’s a privilege to be asked to oversee and decide which one of them is the most patriotic.
A constituent got in touch as he’s worried about this cladding issue.
I told him not to worry, none of my investment properties are affected by it. God bless him.
Terrible evening. Popped into the chippy. Foreign sounding chap (white but greeted us with something that sounded like “alryt”) took tremendous umbrage when I ordered “Build Back Batter”. He called me a Tory bastard and asked me to leave the premises. I don’t much like Manchester
Delighted to announce that the landlord of The Raven pub in Bath has joined GB News as its food and drink correspondent. He will mostly be visiting Wetherspoons establishments. Obviously I’d love to take him up The Albion.
Boris completely flipped at the COBRA breakfast meeting this morning. He was ranting about how he should have just got everything from Ikea. Liz Truss is currently trying to contact their trade envoy.
COBRA breakfast meeting. Told Andrew Bridgen it was St Pancake who chased the snakes out of Ireland. He’s now explaining to Nadine Dorries the methods that St Pancake used.
Just off to Heathrow to pick up my South African au pair. Obviously the two week quarantine rule will be respected. It’s been a while since I stayed at Claridge’s. I hope she likes it.
They died in the Channel, “French waters”, because they were desperate. A terrifying, life threatening journey to a hostile country was a better choice than staying where they were. No one chooses where they’re born. You didn’t choose where you were born. You are lucky.
Splendid news. Big Dog has invited about 50 of his staff to Chequers for Sunday lunch. He said he wants to do some team building and get our stories straight.
I’m fed up with all this criticism of Dom for not making a phone call. Can you people honestly say there’s never been a time when you just couldn’t be arsed to do something? That’s all it was. Dom couldn’t be arsed. We’ve all been there.
I’d like to take this opportunity to quash the ridiculous, unpatriotic suggestions that Prue Leith had both her vaccine jabs in a 3 week period because she’s wealthy and famous. Poppycock. Auntie Prue was fast tracked because her son is a Conservative MP.
I’ve seen a lot of criticism of Tory MPs who supposedly only visited food banks for the photo opportunity and left ASAP. I would like to put it on record that I did NOT visit our local food bank as a PR exercise. I went to get some free food.
I had an email from a constituent who is worried about the National Insurance increase. I’ve reassured him that, as my main income is from property, it doesn't really impact me. It's lovely that they care so much.
Delighted to see Therese Coffey looking so sprightly on TV this morning. Colin and I took her up The Albion last night and we both feel pretty grotty this morning.
We smashed it Matt! The stupid plebs voted for us despite everything we’ve done to them. We can literally do whatever the fuck we want and they’ll still vote for us. We’re going to make a fortune!
I'm exhausted. I was up at 2am and 4am to sing God Save The Queen with Nadine and Andrew. The first effort was a bit awkward as Nadine started singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Text from Tim M: “Where are the bloody foreigners? Who’s going to collect glasses and shampoo the carpets in my pubs? Can we get some Indians to do it?”
Delighted to have secured two tickets for Nigel Farage’s comeback tour. Nige tells me that the tickets are selling like bags of coke at a Tory party conference.
Shaun’s right. If women want to be taken seriously in the political sphere they should be experienced like Charlotte Owen or demure like Michelle Mone.
#SexistShaun
This morning I held a surgery for constituents who are struggling with exports to the EU because of Brexit red tape. It was a very worthwhile exercise.
I got 36 half price pork sausages and 12 litres of cider for a tenner.
A constituent wrote to me and expressed his dismay at the fact that England is not welcoming Ukrainian refugees. I reminded her that we had the fastest GDP in Brexit and our vaccine rollout was increasing at 5% per Europe!
I have many contacts in Russia (I served during Cold War One). They reliably inform me that Putin is absolutely shitting it at the prospect of going head to head with Liz Truss.
To be clear, Big Dog didn’t smirk because the interviewer mentioned death threats to the leader of the lefties. I’ve spoken to him about this and he assured me that he was just thinking about boobies. Boobies always make him happy. Big Dog loves boobies.
Unfortunately I will no longer be launching my new show "Can I Be Frank?" on GB News. Earlier I accidentally dropped a 5kg dumbbell on my foot which caused me to lurch forwards and bang my head on the oven door before falling back into a holly bush. I will be out for some time.
A constituent contacted me to say that the Chancellor should be gravely concerned about the oncoming energy price increases. I reassured him that the Chancellor is extremely wealthy.