forest fr1ends
@forest_fr1ends
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- mum, dad, i’m gay.
- sweetheart, we couldn’t give two shits. just promise us you’ll never be a tory...
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- KEEP MY WIFE’S NAME OUT OF YOUR F**KING MOUTH.
- but her name’s written on the cup…
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- what time is dinner?
- well, i’m aiming for ‘when it’s f**king ready’ o’clock...
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- i’m back mummy. i’ve been to narnia and met a fawn and a white witch, and mr & mrs beaver and—
- jesus christ, wake up terry, she’s found our ketamine stash…
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just in case there was any confusion, if you follow this account and are a little bit of a racist i would disrespectfully ask you to fuck off into the sea…
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i can assure you all it was not a christmas party, it was an important governmental meeting that naturally evolved into vodka jelly shots and naked twister…
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- “let’s move to Kent” you said. “great quality of life” you said.
- we’re not the only ones in tier 4 for christmas you know.
- sharon, i’m watching a lorry driver take a shit behind your rhododendrons...
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i’d rather not dwell on the details, just tell the paramedics i’ve become ‘entangled’ in a domestic appliance…
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i have wandered for 40 days and 40 nights. i have climbed mountains and crossed deserts. i have toiled with fear and wrestled with my inner demons...
and i’m still only halfway to my nearest f**king covid testing centre...
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jesus, no wonder you cried— it’s like king kong’s finger...
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- it says on this website that the new vaccine may contain a microchip so the government can read your mind.
- you enjoy craft beer and miniature railways timothy. i bet MI5 can’t wait to get into your f**king head...
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no sweetheart, that’s not an easter egg. now put it back in the drawer and go wash your hands...
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- neil, who’s john deere?
- just some guy i met on Grindr, i promise.
- he’d better be. if i catch you wanking to tractors again i’ll cut your dick off…
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-WAIT!, stop. i declare i’ve won the egg and spoon race.
- but we’re still mid-race?
- also, i’m pretty sure your egg is illegal and corrupt.
- what the f**k are you talking about...?
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sir, despite me being in charge of enforcing the rule about not smearing shit all over the office i’m afraid some photos have emerged of me smearing shit all over the office. i’m sorry.
- i accept your apology, and consider the matter closed…
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hey terry, my kid liked the look of your sandpit so i’ve chosen to no longer recognise it as part of your garden and it’s now an independent state. my rottweiler’s here to keep the peace…
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- i refuse to wear a face mask. it’s my right.
- but surely with a face like that you’d leap at the chance...?
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- daddy, does boris hate all the children?
- jesus christ, bloody lefties twisting the truth again. of course he doesn’t hate all the children— just the poor ones...
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- daddy said that foxes have big willies.
- what? no i didn’t. what i actually said was that lawrence fox appears to be a massive f**king dick....
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- but there’s a whole new roll behind you??
- i’m well aware of that sandra, just hand me the newspaper please…
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i have the list of reasons for ‘essential travel’ in front of me and it makes no mention of going to Argos to change the colour of yoUR F**KING YOGA MAT...!
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morning ted, I’d like 150oz of rice, a furlong of butter, 3 gallons of f**king despair and some leeches for my wife’s witchy tendencies please…
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- i think i’ll take a risk and wait for my jab. i want to see the evidence that this vaccine is safe first. my body is precious to me — anyway, i’ll have this litre of vodka and 40 silkcut please...
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right, i’m off to bed. i expect this shower of shit to be sorted by the time i get up...
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it was rigged, it was a disgrace, it rigged disgrace. dit was rigged, it was rigrace. disrigged it was….risrigged.
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they’ve said that we can all shit in the pool now, but have asked that we use ‘common sense’ and ‘consider others’…
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i know you wanted to take the caravan to Scarborough for a week but with the price of petrol we need a cheaper option. so i’ve rented an island in the Maldives for 3 weeks…
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- is grandma sleeping?
- hard to say sweetheart, the foxes haven’t left much…
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-oh grandma, what big eyes you have. oh my, what big hands you have. what big teeth you have.
- wow, well thanks for dropping by you body shaming piece of shit...
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- daddy, how are babies made?
- well it’s a bit like a train going into a tunnel.
- a little flaccid joke of a train terry.
- INTO A DRY, POORLY MAINTAINED TUNNEL SUSAN.
- oh f**k you terry…
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- maybe you should drink less and do a bit more exercise.
- maybe you should care less and do a bit more f**king off…
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cocaine’s an expensive hobby mrs chamberlain - we’ll be back for the rest...
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- i wish i didn’t have to go to school tomorrow.
- well i wish i hadn’t done mushrooms this late on a sunday evening sweetie, but i guess we all have our demons to face…
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- our house is on fire! quick, grab a hose.
- i’m afraid there have been some procurement issues and unforeseen problems within the hose distribution chain. however, here’s a small glass of cold piss you can use. now get in there and stay safe...
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f**k sake, calm down simon. we’ve at least another 3 weeks of this...
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- mummy? in terms of both risk of transmission and protection for teachers and students, what has actually changed since before lockdown?
- see you later, have a good day...
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- mummy? i have genuine concerns that despite government reassurances this return to school may be a grave error and to be honest i feel like a terrified laboratory rat in some awful experiment just waiting for-
- hurry up, you’re gonna be late...
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- well i can honestly say, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a murdered ghost.
- no sir, we’ve just covered the body…
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- when i grow up i want to become prime minister.
- well, we hoped you’d do something more worthwhile and rewarding… like juggling dog shit outside primark…
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he had nine inch nails smashed into the palms of his hands then- STOP CRYING AT THE BACK. then he was stabbed in his guts...
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this actually happened today and i’m absolutely delighted that it did...
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i’m a bit worried about mrs fitzgerald next door. she put 5 ping pong balls up but i’ve only seen her squeeze 4 back out...
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- f**k sake terry!
- please don’t be mad.
- i couldn’t give a shit about the cross dressing, but i’m furious that my lingerie looks better on you than on me...
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oh my word mrs davenport, your carrots have really grown well since your husband uncharacteristically and inexplicably left you...
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what a relief to finally sort out our life insurance. let’s celebrate with some toast...
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i would like to offer my heartfelt apology and promise that i will do everything in my power to remove any doubt from the minds of the british public, that i give two f**ks…
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- what do the scales say?
- well the little dial has spun all the way round to ‘none of your f**kin business brenda’...
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- daddy, does boris hate all the people?
- jesus christ, bloody lefties twisting the truth again. of course he doesn’t hate all the people— just the poor ones...
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hi neighbour- please don’t confuse the national sense of relief and optimism resulting from the loosening of lockdown rules, coupled with the fact that the sun is shining, as a green light to talk to me. i still think you’re a f**king idiot...
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- someone’s been sitting in MY chair.
- someone’s been sleeping in MY bed.
- someone’s done a shit in the sink...
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- i’ll pick you up after school. be safe.
- what time does it open mummy?
- not sure. they’re saying maybe september...
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- he said if i don’t go straight to sleep then the ‘killer clown’ will get me.
- there’s no such thing sweetie. i’m not sure where daddy is right now but when i see him i’ll tell him not to be so silly...
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-good morning mrs braithwaite, worrying times isn’t it?
- morning mrs selfishpieceofshit, certainly is...
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good morning mrs selfishpieceofshit,
i had a feeling we’d meet again...
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well i think i’ve been very reasonable julie. she’s got till the end of the week to pay what she owes or she’ll be waking up with a pink unicorn head in her bed…
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- perfect, don’t you just love a lazy sunday, topped off with roast dinner.
- lazy? where do you think this came from? delivef**kinroo? maybe the ‘roast fairy’ took a massive shit on the table?
- put the knife down sue…
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- i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
- but i’m allergic to flowers.
- i know...
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i don’t care who wrote it, this behaviour is totally acceptable…
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i promise there’s NO bogeyman under your bed — he had the shit kicked out of him by the wardrobe monster...
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- daddy, i’ve written a 10 minute instrumental piece on the recorder exploring my feelings and experiences during lockdown.
- and there it is— the shitty cherry on the shitty cake of a shitty year...
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- ouch, i think i’ve got a splinter.
- ARE YOU F**KING KIDDING ME DOWN THERE...?
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i’m afraid there’s no cure for being a little dickhead...
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excellent, my book on how to reduce global warming has arrived...
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i’d give it five minutes if i were you. i’ve just exorcised the ghost of christmas past in there...
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- oh ambassador, with these Babybel and Liebfraumilch you are really spoiling us.
- ok, just remember it’s NOT a f**king party…
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- i’m running a bit late, but how can i help?
- well doctor, i’ve got a sore throat.
- for f**k sake…
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i’ll be honest, this sexy ‘CSI role-play’ loses some of its romance if you turn the UV light on...
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i don’t know how to say this without denting your confidence, but for the last 10 minutes you’ve been licking my caesarean scar...
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just forget it penelope, your heart’s clearly not in it. i’ve seen a more convincing grip on the claw machine down the arcade…
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- hello mrs bainbridge, happy new year.
- happy―? are you on f**king glue...?
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- mummy, did you miss me when i went back to school last week?
- well if you mean ‘do i miss doing all that homeschooling’ then no. but if you mean ‘do i miss spending time with you’ then that’s also no...
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- mr wonka, my kid is lactose intolerant. what special delights do you have in store for him?
- not a f**kin thing pal...
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- i’ve used the last 2 months to get into yoga and learn japanese. how are you guys doing?
- there was a day last week that i didn’t cry...
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- there’s a silent ‘p’ in pterodactyl.
- is there a silent ‘p’ in prick?
- f**k you alan.
- no, f**k you rick.
- calm down lads, we’ve all had an eggnog...
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- crikey, are you ok jessica?
- what do you think? you just watched me tit-slap the f**king pavement…
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- take it easy with the toilet paper. when it’s all gone we’ll have to start using the hamster...
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- mummy, today in sex education we learned all about orgasms.
- wow, did they teach you the phrase ‘if you want a job doing properly, then do it yourself’ too?
- oh f**k off lorraine...
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- i made a card for my daddy on this special day.
- great, i’ll make sure that clive from kwik fit gets it.
- f**k sake darren…
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the neighbours are really going for it tonight. the only other person i’ve seen insert an arm that far is james herriot...
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- someone’s been eating MY porridge.
- someone’s been sleeping in MY bed.
- someone’s done a shit in the sink…
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can someone please remove this orange sack of shit from the office...
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ambulance please- yes fairly standard situation. first day of sunshine, drunk too much, got the bin stuck on his head pretending to be a dalek and then fell, jamming his dick in a deckchair…
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- sad news sweetie, i’m afraid gerry the gerbil had a fight with next door’s cat and has decided run away.
- well he won’t get far, his back legs are in the bin.
- BRIAN…!
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hi santa, he just f**ked up my sunday morning lie in so i guess we won’t be needing you after all...
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