forest fr1ends (also on BlueSky)
@forest_fr1ends
Followers
155K
Following
23K
Media
748
Statuses
2K
https://t.co/cQdF8nDwH8
past dreamland, second left.
Joined May 2016
- mum, dad, i’m gay. - sweetheart, we couldn’t give two shits. just promise us you’ll never be a tory.
114
3K
14K
- KEEP MY WIFE’S NAME OUT OF YOUR F**KING MOUTH. - but her name’s written on the cup…
66
1K
8K
- what time is dinner?.- well, i’m aiming for ‘when it’s f**king ready’ o’clock.
72
980
7K
- i’m back mummy. i’ve been to narnia and met a fawn and a white witch, and mr & mrs beaver and—.- jesus christ, wake up terry, she’s found our ketamine stash…
54
1K
6K
just in case there was any confusion, if you follow this account and are a little bit of a racist i would disrespectfully ask you to fuck off into the sea…
52
575
6K
i can assure you all it was not a christmas party, it was an important governmental meeting that naturally evolved into vodka jelly shots and naked twister…
38
958
5K
i’ve waited a long time for this…
41
741
5K
- “let’s move to Kent” you said. “great quality of life” you said. - we’re not the only ones in tier 4 for christmas you know. - sharon, i’m watching a lorry driver take a shit behind your rhododendrons.
58
1K
5K
i’d rather not dwell on the details, just tell the paramedics i’ve become ‘entangled’ in a domestic appliance…
90
768
4K
i have wandered for 40 days and 40 nights. i have climbed mountains and crossed deserts. i have toiled with fear and wrestled with my inner demons. and i’m still only halfway to my nearest f**king covid testing centre.
45
1K
4K
jesus, no wonder you cried— it’s like king kong’s finger.
74
722
4K
no sweetheart, that’s not an easter egg. now put it back in the drawer and go wash your hands.
59
901
4K
- it says on this website that the new vaccine may contain a microchip so the government can read your mind. - you enjoy craft beer and miniature railways timothy. i bet MI5 can’t wait to get into your f**king head.
52
1K
4K
- neil, who’s john deere?.- just some guy i met on Grindr, i promise. - he’d better be. if i catch you wanking to tractors again i’ll cut your dick off…
52
631
4K
-WAIT!, stop. i declare i’ve won the egg and spoon race. - but we’re still mid-race?.- also, i’m pretty sure your egg is illegal and corrupt. - what the f**k are you talking about. ?
35
1K
4K
sir, despite me being in charge of enforcing the rule about not smearing shit all over the office i’m afraid some photos have emerged of me smearing shit all over the office. i’m sorry. - i accept your apology, and consider the matter closed…
32
1K
4K
hey terry, my kid liked the look of your sandpit so i’ve chosen to no longer recognise it as part of your garden and it’s now an independent state. my rottweiler’s here to keep the peace…
39
961
4K
- i refuse to wear a face mask. it’s my right. - but surely with a face like that you’d leap at the chance. ?
53
1K
4K
- daddy, does boris hate all the children?.- jesus christ, bloody lefties twisting the truth again. of course he doesn’t hate all the children— just the poor ones.
44
1K
4K
- daddy said that foxes have big willies. - what? no i didn’t. what i actually said was that lawrence fox appears to be a massive f**king dick.
37
724
4K
- but there’s a whole new roll behind you??.- i’m well aware of that sandra, just hand me the newspaper please…
48
855
4K
i have the list of reasons for ‘essential travel’ in front of me and it makes no mention of going to Argos to change the colour of yoUR F**KING YOGA MAT. !
32
701
4K
morning ted, I’d like 150oz of rice, a furlong of butter, 3 gallons of f**king despair and some leeches for my wife’s witchy tendencies please…
36
531
4K
- i think i’ll take a risk and wait for my jab. i want to see the evidence that this vaccine is safe first. my body is precious to me — anyway, i’ll have this litre of vodka and 40 silkcut please.
50
864
4K
right, i’m off to bed. i expect this shower of shit to be sorted by the time i get up.
44
597
4K
it was rigged, it was a disgrace, it rigged disgrace. dit was rigged, it was rigrace. disrigged it was….risrigged.
46
548
4K
they’ve said that we can all shit in the pool now, but have asked that we use ‘common sense’ and ‘consider others’…
21
978
3K
i know you wanted to take the caravan to Scarborough for a week but with the price of petrol we need a cheaper option. so i’ve rented an island in the Maldives for 3 weeks…
31
676
4K
- is grandma sleeping?.- hard to say sweetheart, the foxes haven’t left much…
30
480
3K
-oh grandma, what big eyes you have. oh my, what big hands you have. what big teeth you have. - wow, well thanks for dropping by you body shaming piece of shit.
51
789
3K
- daddy, how are babies made?.- well it’s a bit like a train going into a tunnel. - a little flaccid joke of a train terry. - INTO A DRY, POORLY MAINTAINED TUNNEL SUSAN. - oh f**k you terry…
44
515
3K
cocaine’s an expensive hobby mrs chamberlain - we’ll be back for the rest.
42
909
3K
- maybe you should drink less and do a bit more exercise. - maybe you should care less and do a bit more f**king off…
36
432
3K
- i wish i didn’t have to go to school tomorrow. - well i wish i hadn’t done mushrooms this late on a sunday evening sweetie, but i guess we all have our demons to face…
35
465
3K
- our house is on fire! quick, grab a hose. - i’m afraid there have been some procurement issues and unforeseen problems within the hose distribution chain. however, here’s a small glass of cold piss you can use. now get in there and stay safe.
37
1K
3K
f**k sake, calm down simon. we’ve at least another 3 weeks of this.
28
953
3K
jesus christ, you’re such a prick piers.
32
512
3K
- mummy? in terms of both risk of transmission and protection for teachers and students, what has actually changed since before lockdown?.- see you later, have a good day.
28
777
3K
- well i can honestly say, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a murdered ghost. - no sir, we’ve just covered the body…
26
496
3K
- mummy? i have genuine concerns that despite government reassurances this return to school may be a grave error and to be honest i feel like a terrified laboratory rat in some awful experiment just waiting for-.- hurry up, you’re gonna be late.
36
896
3K
- when i grow up i want to become prime minister. - well, we hoped you’d do something more worthwhile and rewarding… like juggling dog shit outside primark…
27
604
3K
he had nine inch nails smashed into the palms of his hands then- STOP CRYING AT THE BACK. then he was stabbed in his guts.
42
699
3K
i’m a bit worried about mrs fitzgerald next door. she put 5 ping pong balls up but i’ve only seen her squeeze 4 back out.
56
416
3K
this actually happened today and i’m absolutely delighted that it did.
46
262
3K
- f**k sake terry!.- please don’t be mad. - i couldn’t give a shit about the cross dressing, but i’m furious that my lingerie looks better on you than on me.
46
463
3K
oh my word mrs davenport, your carrots have really grown well since your husband uncharacteristically and inexplicably left you.
42
709
3K
what a relief to finally sort out our life insurance. let’s celebrate with some toast.
45
801
3K
i would like to offer my heartfelt apology and promise that i will do everything in my power to remove any doubt from the minds of the british public, that i give two f**ks…
30
697
3K
- ok, who ordered the uselessfuckingprick-ogram…?
32
509
3K
- what do the scales say?.- well the little dial has spun all the way round to ‘none of your f**kin business brenda’.
35
629
3K
- daddy, does boris hate all the people?.- jesus christ, bloody lefties twisting the truth again. of course he doesn’t hate all the people— just the poor ones.
16
698
3K
hi neighbour- please don’t confuse the national sense of relief and optimism resulting from the loosening of lockdown rules, coupled with the fact that the sun is shining, as a green light to talk to me. i still think you’re a f**king idiot.
34
514
3K
apologies, it’s my first day on the job…
52
449
3K
- someone’s been sitting in MY chair. - someone’s been sleeping in MY bed. - someone’s done a shit in the sink.
49
853
3K
- i’ll pick you up after school. be safe. - what time does it open mummy?.- not sure. they’re saying maybe september.
26
743
3K
- he said if i don’t go straight to sleep then the ‘killer clown’ will get me. - there’s no such thing sweetie. i’m not sure where daddy is right now but when i see him i’ll tell him not to be so silly.
46
514
3K
shit myself outside sainsbury’s if you must know…
55
292
3K
-good morning mrs braithwaite, worrying times isn’t it?.- morning mrs selfishpieceofshit, certainly is.
30
1K
3K
good morning mrs selfishpieceofshit, .i had a feeling we’d meet again.
34
758
3K
well i think i’ve been very reasonable julie. she’s got till the end of the week to pay what she owes or she’ll be waking up with a pink unicorn head in her bed…
31
356
3K
- perfect, don’t you just love a lazy sunday, topped off with roast dinner. - lazy? where do you think this came from? delivef**kinroo? maybe the ‘roast fairy’ took a massive shit on the table?.- put the knife down sue…
37
427
3K
- i got you these to show you how i feel about you. - but i’m allergic to flowers. - i know.
24
577
3K
i don’t care who wrote it, this behaviour is totally acceptable…
32
523
3K
- daddy, i’ve written a 10 minute instrumental piece on the recorder exploring my feelings and experiences during lockdown. - and there it is— the shitty cherry on the shitty cake of a shitty year.
36
470
3K
i promise there’s NO bogeyman under your bed — he had the shit kicked out of him by the wardrobe monster.
28
478
3K
- ouch, i think i’ve got a splinter. - ARE YOU F**KING KIDDING ME DOWN THERE. ?
31
486
3K
i’m afraid there’s no cure for being a little dickhead.
35
775
3K
excellent, my book on how to reduce global warming has arrived.
30
595
3K
i’d give it five minutes if i were you. i’ve just exorcised the ghost of christmas past in there.
37
446
3K
i’ll be honest, this sexy ‘CSI role-play’ loses some of its romance if you turn the UV light on.
64
371
3K
- oh ambassador, with these Babybel and Liebfraumilch you are really spoiling us. - ok, just remember it’s NOT a f**king party…
23
458
3K
- i’m running a bit late, but how can i help?.- well doctor, i’ve got a sore throat. - for f**k sake…
34
389
3K
i don’t know how to say this without denting your confidence, but for the last 10 minutes you’ve been licking my caesarean scar.
75
485
3K
just forget it penelope, your heart’s clearly not in it. i’ve seen a more convincing grip on the claw machine down the arcade…
32
357
3K
- mummy, did you miss me when i went back to school last week?.- well if you mean ‘do i miss doing all that homeschooling’ then no. but if you mean ‘do i miss spending time with you’ then that’s also no.
33
368
3K
- hello mrs bainbridge, happy new year. - happy―? are you on f**king glue. ?
29
568
3K
right, what time is love island on…?
14
341
3K
- mr wonka, my kid is lactose intolerant. what special delights do you have in store for him?.- not a f**kin thing pal.
39
565
3K
- there’s a silent ‘p’ in pterodactyl. - is there a silent ‘p’ in prick?.- f**k you alan. - no, f**k you rick. - calm down lads, we’ve all had an eggnog.
27
562
3K
- i’ve used the last 2 months to get into yoga and learn japanese. how are you guys doing?.- there was a day last week that i didn’t cry.
33
621
3K
- crikey, are you ok jessica?.- what do you think? you just watched me tit-slap the f**king pavement…
30
326
3K
- take it easy with the toilet paper. when it’s all gone we’ll have to start using the hamster.
47
872
3K
- mummy, today in sex education we learned all about orgasms. - wow, did they teach you the phrase ‘if you want a job doing properly, then do it yourself’ too?.- oh f**k off lorraine.
37
392
3K
- i made a card for my daddy on this special day. - great, i’ll make sure that clive from kwik fit gets it. - f**k sake darren…
22
333
3K
- someone’s been eating MY porridge. - someone’s been sleeping in MY bed. - someone’s done a shit in the sink…
54
384
3K
the neighbours are really going for it tonight. the only other person i’ve seen insert an arm that far is james herriot.
41
391
2K
ambulance please- yes fairly standard situation. first day of sunshine, drunk too much, got the bin stuck on his head pretending to be a dalek and then fell, jamming his dick in a deckchair…
52
449
3K
can someone please remove this orange sack of shit from the office.
19
423
2K
- sad news sweetie, i’m afraid gerry the gerbil had a fight with next door’s cat and has decided run away. - well he won’t get far, his back legs are in the bin. - BRIAN…!
35
379
2K
i was kinda hoping your first word would be ‘mummy’.
30
633
2K
- i’m feeling horny. - ooo, what are you thinking?.- let’s do something that would be described as ‘misadventure’ by the coroner if we get it wrong…
41
382
2K