Dee
@figgled
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Following
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643
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12,881
john stamos won't return my emails
www.instagram.com/fidge
Joined March 2009
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Pinned Tweet
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
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overheard a teenage boy buying a Valentine's card that said 'we are the same kind of weird'. shop assistant said 'is this for your girlfriend?' and he said 'no, it's for my grandma'
:')
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Before u leave the house, think of the acronym 'WOWEE'
Wallet
phOne
Wkeys
Egg
Egg (backup)
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Cars should have a second, friendlier horn to say thank you, or if you want to let people know you drove past a cool animal
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Can we stop calling sexual assault a ‘sex scandal’? Like if a person stabs someone it’s not a ‘knife debacle’
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Watching a movie and loudly saying ‘couldn’t do that now. because of covid’ every ten seconds
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Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
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hot girl summer is over, make way for crab boy winter. scuttle about sideways. wave that one terrible big claw around. disgusting
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Whole generation of little freaks who’d take a digital camera to parties, get shitfaced and then calmly upload 100 photos to Facebook with individual captions like ‘g00d TimeZ’
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In a changing room someone sneezed so I instinctively said ‘bless you’ and she said ‘…who is that??’ and I said ‘me’
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whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i'm like yeah. me know
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Really grinds my gears when people say Jeff Buckley wrote Hallelujah because anyone intelligent knows it was penned by Shrek himself
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[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
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The dawn of December 1st arrives.
The door of Michael Buble's cage is unlocked.
He flinches from the light.
It is time.
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spiders: too many legs. suspicious.
worms: not enough legs. lazy
birds: don't need legs. arrogant
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adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
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the video is called Magpie Hangs Upside Down and that's exactly what it is and yet I was somehow happily surprised
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If you must give me constructive criticism please start with six compliments, then another compliment, then some positive feedback, then the BAD thing and then another compliment.
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Last night I couldn’t sleep & looked outside and a possum on the fence was screaming his wee guts out. Just shrieking into the sky. Then he wandered off. Much to think about
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nearly crashing my car as i lurch my whole body out the window screaming 'BIG MOOD' at a dead possum
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If you take both Matrix pills at once it takes you to a suburban McDonalds where Morpheus is stuck in the children’s slide
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Maintaining eye contact with the Aldi man while he scans my groceries with insane speed but I am bagging them just as fast. He begins to sweat. I throw a yogurt in my bag like a grenade. A single tear rolls down his cheek. I’ve won
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Lockdown isn’t a competition. Single people are lonely, families are exhausted, I have a poltergeist that flicks marbles at me when I’m on the toilet. We’re all suffering
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2001 Cosmo magazine: stuff a CHILLI in his DICKHOLE for a BANGIN blowjob!!!! Do a handstand and let him SPANK your PUSSY with a LAMP
12 year old me: yeah of course
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Cool things about being an adult
- eat chips whenever u want
- no bedtime
- tired all the time
- sad all the time
- wait a sec
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Me: how old is ur child
Person: [literally any number]
Me: oh that’s a fun age
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facebook: hello have a great friday everyone :)
twitter: i want 2 fuck jeff goldblum and then kill myself
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Would love to bond with other women about literally anything other than sexual assault but here we are
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Beauty & the Beast review
1. I'd fuck Gaston
2. I'd fuck the Beast
3. I have not had sex in a very long time
4. I will fuck the kettle
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My son Rhombus who attends Montessori school is now slicing ham at a senior level, using only his hands
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getting older is saying to yourself 'let's see if these bad boys live up to the hype!!!' about paper towels
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Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
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does the person who made this know they’ve ruined my ability to think about literally anything else
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Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
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Hi there. in 2015 you liked a tweet by a person who in 2009 recommended people try a cafe that is known to employ a man who once said he hated Hilary Clinton. So my question to you, is, why do you hate women
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The canine urge to run down the street carrying linked sausages while being chased by a butcher
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Me [pretending to like Rick & Morty due to extreme fear of their erratic and deeply unwell fanbase]: what a good show
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"LIVE. LAUGH. LOVE." commands the small cushion. You whisper "I'm trying" but that only makes it angrier
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Lots of misinformation about the queer community out there so : the G in LGBTQA stands for Gillian Anderson wearing a nice blazer. Thanks
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me (after spending two hours watching old Vine compilations): how do people have time to listen to podcasts
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When lockdown’s over I’m going to enter every competition where you guess the number of jellybeans in a jar. No more self doubt. Time to live
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if you're trying something new and not immediately good at it, please remember that it's because you have a weak little brain, like a tiny piece of old ham
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If you were “gifted” as a child, you now:
- are sad
- sleep standing up
- only eat egg
- have a slimy tail
- professional wood-chopper
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Yesterday I learned of a married couple, one a nurse and the other works for the AFL. Guess which one has daily RAT tests provided by their employer while the other has to source themselves? 🙃
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Hello I am a comedian. Would anyone like to hear a humorous impression of my girlfriend being a whiny bitch. Also I am the first person to notice that cafes sell avocado toast. I will now repeat all the jokes again, but louder
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The bit in Promising Young Woman where a guy says ‘being accused of that is every guy’s worst nightmare’ and Cassie replies ‘Wanna know what every woman’s is?’
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Start of cleaning: I am a calm minimalist earth goddess
10 minutes later: Marie Kondo can suck my left titty I love my numerous towers of dusty junk that have given me depression
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in 2020 my only goal is to run down a street with a large link of sausages in my mouth that i have stolen from a butcher.
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she had curves in all the wrong places. left elbow, both eyes. disgusting
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the other night at 11pm my bf said 'ah.... time for a nightcap' and returned with a giant bowl of pasta
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The average lifespan of a musical conductor is really short. most of them trip and fall into the orchestra pit and get wedged in the tuba. Pretty sad
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Commented “horny” on a photo of a friends pasta on Facebook and then I realised I haven’t seen them in six years so I hastily deleted the comment and now I’m sweaty
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We need to normalise playing a board game with your friend and getting sucked into the jungle and living there for 26 years
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to the lads messaging me saying this didn't happen or the kid was being sarcastic: he was in the shop with his Dad, who had told him 'oh granny will love that'. it's okay to believe in nice things because they do happen :)
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It's kinda fucked that musicians eat sandwiches by placing them inside trombones and honking them into each other's mouths
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You know a song is good if it
- slaps
- bangs
- wallops
- hurls u off a cliff
- buries ur body in a pit
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do I need to go back on antidepressants or do I just need to see two bus drivers wave at each other
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why did people run along the train platform in old movies. just say bye earlier you don't even have to take them to the station
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[pressing my face up against a phone screen filled with beautiful rich people for a third consecutive hour] why am i sad
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A horse walks into a bar. It is a bar for horsies. Everyone is having a nice time :)
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Achievable goals for 2019
- unfollow ppl who make you feel bad
- cook one new recipe each week
- make bed every day
- be my friend
- what was that last one
- be my friend (forever)
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I’ve been staring at this photo every day for five days and I no longer have depression.
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i went to an open mic & an old man did stand-up just saying "there are so many apps these days!!! an app for everything!!! my 14 year old neighbour has to help me use my phone!!!" the whole set. so good. no jokes whatsoever
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loudly referring to every situation as 'some real Suez Canal shit' regardless of context
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It's good that the art of conversation has been replaced with tagging a friend in a weird-lookin animal photo and saying 'u'
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If I had $40 million I would definitely spend it by mailing out little cards asking the public if they think gay people are human beings
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since turning 30 i spend a lot of time wistfully looking out windows like an old fisherman haunted by memories of the sea
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Anyone who thinks unemployment payments are adequate should be forced to live off them
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Taking inspiration from birds and every few minutes just letting out a big scream
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microdosing emotional breakdowns by lightly shrieking every 40 minutes
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Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
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[shaking a Zoomer by their collar] Do you even know what ‘eat my shorts’ means
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Checked my period tracker app to see if the menses was responsible for me almost buying a second-hand trombone but turns out I’m just a dipshit
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my friend did work experience at the aquarium and she was so excited to swim in the tank but a manta ray humped her leg and the staff said ‘oh he has depression’
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If someone leaving the bus says “thanks” I one-up them with “thank you so much driver!!!! Have a great day!!!!” and give the driver a large satchel full of antique swords.
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“The best form of welfare is a job” is the biggest load of shite. It’s a nonsensical word salad, like saying about healthcare “the best form of fixing a broken leg is not having a broken leg”
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Would love to bond with women about literally anything other than sexual assault, but here we are again
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Hmmm I hear the hot new trend for 2018 is...... Being my friend!!!!!!!!
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thanks to my secret admirer for the flowers even though you left them outside my neighbour's flat addressed to Barbara I love them
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If a movie can’t grab my attention while I use my phone & tablet, talk to a friend and intermittently leave the room then it’s just bad filmmaking, sorry!
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Beating my chess opponent by eating all of their pieces. They are a sore loser and my tummy hurts but that is the price of success
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I hope this email finds you. saves you. wraps you up in a blanket. keeps you safe
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