ANDY MERCER
@ffmercer
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I HAVE TO SHOW HER …
Everybody's heard of the Air Force's ultra-highsecurity,super-secret base in Nevada, known simply
as "Area 51?"
Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at
Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing
at their "secret" base. They immediately
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Heavy weight rivals?
Some little boys were arguing about football.
-Whydotheycalltheplayersonteam"A"the "Heavyweight
Rivals?"
-Why do you ask such a stupid question? They are the
players who are fed well so they will have a big body.
And, if they have a big body then it's for
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WANT A DAY OFF WORK?
So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you
are asking for. There are 365 days per year available
for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you
already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days
available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each
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Magician
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the
Caribbean. The audience would be different each
week, so the magician allowed himself to do the
same tricks over and over again. There was only one
problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each
week and began to
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The whole school thought I was going to star on Drake and Josh: In second grade, I told everyone that I was leaving school before next semester to move to Hollywood to play Megan’s cousin from Vermont on Drake and Josh. At first I just told my best friend, but then the whole
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YOU'VE ALREADY BEATEN ME 1 TO 0
The old man was giving an inspirational talk to his
future son- in- law, who was a football player.
-If you score a goal in this match, I'll make
immediate arrangements for you and my daughter to
get married.
-Uh...Uh,I"mafraidyou'llhavetomakethose
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One day a man walks into a dentist's office and asks
how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.
"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.
"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says.
"Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an
anaesthetic, I can
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SALESMAN PITCH
Little old lady answered a knock on the door one
day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young
man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I
could take a couple minutes of your time, I would
like to demonstrate the very latest in
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That time in freshman year: So I was always the person who’d try to leave class really fast so I wouldn’t always being paying attention to some very crucial surroundings. So I’m sitting in math class where our teacher makes us put our book bags against the wall to the side of the
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The carjacking
An elderly woman did her shopping and, upon returning
to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with
her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags, drew her
handgun, and proceeded to scream at them at the top of
her voice,
“I have a gun and I know how to use
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A bum approaches a well dressed gentleman on the
street. "Hey, Buddy, can you spare two dollars?"
The well-dressed gentleman responds, "You are not
going to spend in on liquor are you?"
"No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum.
"You are not going to throw it away in some
crap
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HE HAS NO PLANS
A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her
parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to
find out about the young man. The father invites the
fiancee for a drink.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the
young man.
"I am a Torah scholar," he
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EVILS OF TELEVISION
Pastor Brown was preaching an impassioned
sermon on the evils of television.
"It steals away precious time that could be
better spent on other things," he said.
He advised the congregation to do what he and
his family had done.
"We put our TV away in the
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HOW DID THE FLORIST DIFFUSE THE
BUSINESSMAN’S ANGER?
A new business was opening and one of the owner's
friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the new business site and the owner
read the card. It said, "Rest in Peace." The owner
was angry and called the
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if you cannot lift the load off another’s back, do not walk away. Try to lighten it.
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But better to get hurt by the truth than comforted with a lie. ― Khaled Hosseini
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Skin Graft
A married couple were in a terrible accident in
which the woman's face was severely burned. The
doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any
skin from her body because she was too thin. So the
husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only
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The Forgetful Apple (Part 2):Why did the apple forget its lunch? It fell too far from the tree of memory!
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The Forgetful Orange:Why did the orange forget its birthday? It was too busy squeezing the day!
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