carolines
@feral_eyes
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a real down to mars girl
Denver, CO
Joined January 2024
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wrote about something that still feels somewhat confusing and vulnerable to me: my evolving relationship to god after being raised by a southern baptist pastor in Birmingham, Alabama, and what it's taught me about how to un-condition love:
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A therapist once encouraged me to make a trauma timeline bc I kept getting stuck in horrific loops trying to make sense of nonsensical & recursive developmental abuse. As I was working through it, a lot of rage came up, and I eventually had the idea to make a Trauma Piñata
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@gptbrooke
I am okay! My phone broke on the mountain but I made it back and am safe. Thank you everyone for looking out for me 🤍
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imo the most misleading things about the spiritual path are the words *spiritual* and *path*
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lived to poast this double rainbow from the hike for all you beautiful, caring people
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practicing meditation feels like co-regulation with the divine inner (nervous system), which ultimately expands and attunes awareness of the divine outer. this helps us wake up.
practicing contemplative prayer feels like co-regulation with divine outer (god/universe), which
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the more I find ways to embody rumination, the more my identification with it relaxes, and nearly dissolves. like literally make a vibey loopy playlist and literally run in a loop until the body is just like ya know what, this is a wild way to live. the sun is hot on our back,
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being on good terms with an ex is such a green flag because intimacy has an integrity only the people in it understand, and integrity is ultimately a self-regulation game
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lol found this & honestly a lot of who I am as a person can be summed up with as a kid I used to pray *for* God
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As someone with a tendency to intellectualize her feelings, I’ve found modalities with somatic bends to be most transformative (IFS, somatic meditation, gardening+cooking w plant medicines) but let me tell ya nothing felt better than beating the shit out of my narrative
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My inner child felt teary justice finally finding a way to hit back, without hurting anyone. And something about accessing my rage in such a childlike way helped adult me get it out & let it go. Swung a little too hard out the gate tho
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*god did two weeks off really do me this dirty in the gym? ok ok maybe, all good, just drop the weight down a little. u got this girl. fooook this is still hard. ok ok, you’ve hit these lifts a million times. u got this*
*she’s in Africa & weights are in kilos not lbs. she
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you really can change everything (internal and external) about your life in a year. last summer was overwhelmingly dark and scary, and this summer stunned with joy, spontaneity, and preciousness — including the darkness. Many of you are glimmers of light that helped me see it,
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I made a timeline crafting a clear narrative on the outside, and filled the inside with private journal entries, pictures, poetry, songs, and my favorite candies — mementos of the way it all made me feel, mementos of how I contained it all for so long
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I would like to follow more accounts on the edge of comprehensibility / consciousness any recs???
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grace is a lot sweeter than perfection, even if it is bloodier
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so I’m throwing this dinner party for denver friends and so far the rsvps are a mix of my alabama sorority sisters, twitter friends, broncos players, ml coworkers, my 80 year old neighbor I make art with, folks from my queer book club, and my dog this is going to be either
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I think deep contentment is being able to accept you may or may not get what you most want, and enjoying the process of cultivating it anyways
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for a long time I thought better external awareness would help my dissociative tendencies, and it did some, but it was integration with my own concepts of integrity that actually helped the most.
it started with integrity via some self-coercion (do the right thing, even though
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I would like to follow & connect w more women on here - plz tag your favorite tpot queen & tell me why you adore & respect her 💕
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what’s the opposite of the ick?? like you previously were not about it then you notice a few small things && now you’re crushin ❤️🔥 this is happening to me with nyc
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Finding it fun that as I relax my own *identification* with involuntary mental reactions, the neurotic compulsions don’t dissolve entirely. They simply relax into more functional expressions.
Fear (I perceive a threat in you or I worry you may not like me) relaxes into wise
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@gptbrooke
truly so touched and appreciate really appreciate you
@gptbrooke
and everyone for care and help 🥹
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if you resonate, this is part one:
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it’s a sweet feeling when a relationship transitions from high stakes to low stakes.
high stakes feels like a pressure cooker. you’re fighting against time and if you make a wrong move, now you have to deal with an exploded chicken.
low stakes feels like a time-simmered
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What’s the modality to fix girl who packs 20 minutes before leaving for Europe for a month?
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one of the softest internal changes I’ve made is no longer immediately feeling guilty or jumping into what **I might have done wrong** when I perceive discomfort in someone I’m relating to, but rather staying with them in their feelings & letting them lead on what they care to
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“It’s a good thing when I’m happy” is much happier than “I deserve to be happy” or “This would make me happy.” The undercurrent of gratitude outlasts little waves of happiness, as does the undercurrent of doubt, craving and mourning.
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the first act is to forgive reality for being what it is. the second is to make music. maddening music, where the body (queer, healing, troubled, wounded, possible and gorgeous) sings itself into its future. the funny thing about gratitude is how final it is.
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all you really need is for someone to hold both conditional and unconditional love for you simultaneously once, then it abounds
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altered state of consciousness (stood up way too fast, unlocked by turning 30)
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@TylerAlterman
tbh I just try to enjoy it as long as it lasts. after the ecstasy, the laundry. after the laundry, the ecstasy. over time, they began feeling somewhat synonymic
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@Theholisticpsyc
straight up i’ve had pap smears less invasive than this thread. you said it too well.
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when a dude* you know makes the I got married gram you gotta follow the wife for the rest of the plot bc that’s the last gram he’s ever gonna make
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I’ve experienced derealization since I was like 13 and it used to feel really terrifying - disembodied, hovering, panicky, out of control. The more I’ve worked with it, the less frequent it’s become, but also there’s been a shift I like when it does happen to feeling both out of
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if you’re trying to love something (better)
it means you already do.
(and it means you will).
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some personal notes on how the practices of gardening, cooking & friendship changed how I see life
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I just sent my little brother my twitter and he responded with “good news, no one has posted you on r/Im14AndThisIsDeep yet” god savage af 💀
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It’s sad to me that when a lot of Christians think they’re talking about grace what they’re actually talking about is penal substitutionary atonement
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the unexpected part of staying with a big feeling is finding unpleasant emotions have many threads, and some of them are longer than others. so much is happening in an emotion like anxiety that can be overwhelming. but as the worry, inadequacy, and vulnerability threads meet
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my most favorite feeling of all is when my friends become friends
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Reframing “I need to develop more patience” to “I want to make friends with time” really helped me.
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Someone I met recently told me “You’re infectious. But I see how profoundly alone you are in the world.” It seemed like it made her sad for me, and I didn’t know how to convey that not having is receiving.
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if vibes are off my backup plan is to start a food fight & tbh open to other suggestions
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people talk a lot about insight without integration, but tbh I have so much integration without insight (don’t remember why, can’t remember what, profoundly impacted my soul, etched deep into my bones).
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*this does not apply to artists or wife guys. this applies to dudes
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anxiety arises when we find that something has taken place and we no longer know what the Other wants from us (Jacques Lucan).
anxiety dissolves when you know what you want from yourself.
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it was a huge government oversight that I ever had a driver’s license at all but my purse just got stolen in Lisbon & I’d have to actually retake the drivers test to replace it so taking this as my sign it’s time to hang up the keys for the benefit of all beings
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I think a good litmus test for is the patriarchy dead is if most men start wearing sunscreen everyday or if most women stop
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Hanging w my 15 month old niece this weekend and can’t help but notice how differently she relates to *how* adults engage in her play. When her organic attention is interrupted with praise or critique, she furrows her brow in confusion & can’t quite process or integrate what’s
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I think the experience of suffering has a lot more to do with loss of agency than presence of pain
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@VividVoid_
hahaha for real. my 9/11 entry was something along the lines of “today is sad. 4,000,000,000 people died. Why would you do that?”
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like kinda another way to access this that’s not just a mental move
Finding it fun that as I relax my own *identification* with involuntary mental reactions, the neurotic compulsions don’t dissolve entirely. They simply relax into more functional expressions.
Fear (I perceive a threat in you or I worry you may not like me) relaxes into wise
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replacing what I need from you with newfound capacity to self serve/soothe is my favorite path (mostly bc it’s an unlock for magnetic & authentic relating)
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threads keep breaking on me & it annoys me so reposting as a long tweet. sorry fam baby twitter user probz over here I’ll figure it out eventually 🫣
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lessons from years of prayer journals
There are 3 relationships in my life I’ve kept a prayer journal of sorts for 8+ yrs. Initially, I saw it as simply praying for those I love. In time I saw it as a record of learning how to pray for those I love. Now I believe it’s a record of learning how to love those I pray for
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man w mustache 😘 (one forehead kiss)
man w milk mustache 😘😘 (two forehead kisses)
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got a lil lost & accidentally did a moonlit mountain bike ride and it was magical
like with the visibility so low ya had to really feel the trail
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there’s something vibrant about stillness (cessation of events) once you eclipse boredom (denial of wants)
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what isn’t skill issue is usually will issue & what isn’t will issue is usually sparkle issue
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There are 3 relationships in my life I’ve kept a prayer journal of sorts for 8+ yrs. Initially, I saw it as simply praying for those I love. In time I saw it as a record of learning how to pray for those I love. Now I believe it’s a record of learning how to love those I pray for
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you can pretty much immediately tell if someone has ever touched a dead body or not
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hitting something new where mindsets & sense making feels less like meaning & more like minimizations in the face of the open & exuberantly provocative *now*
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nerds r gender discoursing (it’s me, I’m nerds)
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Do y’all feel like you actually “detach from outcomes?” If so, what’s that like? I feel like what I actually do is think of as many outcomes as possible, find a way to make peace with each of them, then send it & and hope for the best
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psychedelics are this in fun mode but with a more shallow effect ime
anhedonia is such a weird experience because it takes everything you’ve ever loved away from you but then when you get it all back you cherish it all so much more
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said another way, it’s sweet to just be; it’s sweet to just be with
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The more I reflect on this the more I think the magnetic draw is in the freeing experience this creates for the other person: “I am doing better than expected at reducing error.”
I think affectivity in relating ultimately informs our errors: what threatens the bridge between
replacing what I need from you with newfound capacity to self serve/soothe is my favorite path (mostly bc it’s an unlock for magnetic & authentic relating)
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in fifteen years I’ll be zipping up the wetsuits of my little polyglot party of five to catch the Sunday morning waves off Costa da Caparica & I dipped my sandy toes in the Atlantic when I hit send tweet so god is on my side
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I am humbly begging anyone other than Khole Kardashian to make a 35” inseam jean my ankle tat is cute but I’m so tired of flooding
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but also
@streets_tweets
you’re wild for letting me have my phone while tripsitting. moco is fun tho
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ok dinner party research question - aggregate global restaurant ordering data suggests more than any other attribute (flavor, texture, ect) people tend to select for crunch. But crunch is a v vast category, so what’s your favorite type of crunch?
dry crunch (chip)
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wet crunch (pickle)
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ooze crunch (mozz stick)
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other crunch? (replies)
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make friends w thousands of sour cherries in their backyard. Sunday cherry pie incoming
@bigrolypolyfan
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I think more than anything, I tend to select for world builders (various mediums)
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I will only share a bed with people who understand the difference between waking up & getting up
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like once I unclenched my pearls and my asshole everything was really fine actually
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was having a conversation with a friend on what makes something beautiful, and he said “beauty is symmetry, and symmetry is change without change” and I’ve been thinking about it ever sense
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@br___ian
eh it’s kinda a mix of everything in your poll for me, but consistent practices I’ve found
stop: making the external internal unless it’s something I actually want to internalize
start: pairing self compassion practice with something I actually enjoy and believe to be loving
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and death, lol
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nyc is great for the directionally inept bc if you just walk straight long enough you eventually find some iteration of what you’re seeking
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tom soup & focaccia lunch is chef’s kiss but like a lil sloppy & french 🥵
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the best way to tell if I’m currently on a trip is if I’m booking my next trip
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@animalologist
been my celeb crush since gap in his front teeth weekend update days, & honestly always thought the same but actually when I met him @ a party irl he was so so so nervous. his hands were shaking almost the whole time, and he relied on bits you could tell he was comfortable w in
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