Felicity Ward
@felicityward
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Following
3,088
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Statuses
49,678
IM EXHAUSTING! @sohotheatre 2-6th July then rest of U.K. TOUR from October 2024 🇬🇧
London, England
Joined August 2009
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Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
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my friend died today. she was great. not much else to say. I’m just by myself in New Zealand and I wanted to tell somebody.
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Serena Williams: i’ll be the best in a catsuit.
Tennis: no
Serena: A tutu it is.
#🐐
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Okay the
@Louis_Tomlinson
stans are actually adorable and welcoming and please keep calling me bestie; my little heart is breaking from your sweetness.
#LouisTomlinson
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Haven’t had a drink for 12yrs today. If anyone’s thinking about having their last (because they wake up after feeling sad/scared, or can’t predict their behaviour when/how much they drink) it’s possible to get through Christmas without it. Sending you strength and surrender ✌🏼
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If you’re in the U.K. and you see someone begging tonight, if you have it to give, give it to them. It’s 3 degrees in London and it can keep them warm tonight…with booze or drugs or a bed. Don’t judge them. Life is hard and winter is long x
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I’ve lived in the U.K. for 7yrs & it still surprises me how much they hate poor people. Even people that were poor, but arent any more, can hate the poor here. It’s gobsmacking. The people doing themselves in knots to justify why kids shouldn’t get free meals. Little kids. fml
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An out of the blue earnest tweet:
Many of
@Louis_Tomlinson
's male singers throughout
@TheXFactor
have cried, and not once has he told them not to, to hold it in, or try to make it better. He's just hugged them & let them be. May we all be like Louis to the men in our lives.
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Claudia Winkleman is to
#thetraitors
as Michael Caine was to The Muppet Christmas Carol. No one expected either of them to do anything but phone it in, and they both played it like the Olivier judges are in.
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I don’t know why “snowflake” is an insult. They are individual, magical, and just one of them can bring down the entire UK train network.
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Guys I’m very big in the Louis Tomlinson Stan community
Today (27 Oct) in 2018 - X-Factor Contestant and Felicity Ward, a comedian said this about Louis !
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@Luke_McShane
@hamishsteele
It’s insane that people would more willingly write off LGBTQ people than the Catholic Church. The one that has a fund to pay off victims. The one that has systematically created environments which were a haven for “celibate” paedophiles.
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I became a British citizen today. However, one thing I will never get used to is no external mailboxes, so just enduring the daily horror movie experience of thinking someone is breaking into the house, not posting an Aldi catalogue through the door hole.
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My new answer when someone says to me after a gig “I don’t usually find female comedians funny.”
Me: What is your twitter handle? I want to send you something.
(PS this list is not definitive. Feel free to make your own list ready to give to someone)
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My husband just walked past the toilet (I’m sitting on) and said “remember you ate beetroot last night.” My true love.
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14yrs sober today. i say this every year, but if you're waiting for the right time to stop, there isn't one. there's always a celebration or a tribulation. Xmas is hard too. i've never ever regretted stopping. if you're trying today i'm with you. one hour at a time if needs be
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To those saying
#WeWillNotComply
enjoy your extended lockdown then. It’ll be well into 2021 if you won’t. This is what’s possible if you take action early and think about vulnerable people.
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Just a reminder that we’re easing lockdown measures in the UK when we had 134 deaths yesterday. Not new cases. Deaths. In a day. Australia are easing their measures and theyve had 102 deaths ALTOGETHER. I cannot begin to explain how poorly this has been handled.
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Oh man; the trope about male journalists interviewing women that simply cannot help putting their boner in the opening paragraph.
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O. M. G.
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I’ve just had a shower and brushed my teeth, and have a newborn, and honestly I feel like a CEO of a successful multinational corporation.
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Yeah, "One of my favourites" works absolutely fine for everyone.
Stop saying “my favorite female comedian-musician-artist-anything.” Stop making us a subcategory. Sick of it. Happy Holidays!
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Can’t believe Ant and Dec’s full names are Antler and Decanter.
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I’ve taught my baby to say “ahhhh” after a refreshing drink of water. He’s proved that he is funnier than me by doing it after I caught him eating his snot. So disgusting. So proud.
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A pregnant woman is being charged for manslaughter after being shot in the stomach and losing her baby. The shooter is not. 2019. This is misogyny by law. A woman lost her baby and was shot and is now the one on trial.
Alabama is prosecuting a pregnant woman for manslaughter for being shot in the stomach — but not her shooter
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You know who else does this every day? Homeless people.
Prince William spotted selling Big Issue in central London
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a pleasure not be murdered on this small abandoned station tonight 🚂
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if you’re living by yourself in lockdown and you have depression. you are a hero. im struggling so very badly with PND but am lucky enough to have my husband. getting through a whole day by yourself is heroic. im sending you all the love in the world.
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This is absolutely amazing cognitive dissonance.
Walmart has decided to stop running violent video game ads in their stores but will continue to sell guns.
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As always, in big cities going through a heatwave, my heart goes out to all the goths.
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You know you are an absolute turd of a government when even the most recognisable symbol of capitalism is more compassionate than you.
BREAKING: McDonald’s offers 1,000,000 free meals for families over half-term
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Just my little monthly reminder: whatever you think of protestors, the point of protest is to disrupt. If you're annoyed with them, they've made their point. If you protest without bothering anyone that's just twitter isn't it?
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@LTHSOURCE
@1morechonce
@Louis_Tomlinson
Probably gonna become a Louie just because everyone here is so nice
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Please enjoy 2 comedians who got off at Bristol Parkway station, realised at the last minute that they should be at Bristol Temple Meads. Jumped back on the train, only to realise that we should have changed at Cardiff & are now on our way to London...so we can go back to Bristol
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I maintain that Monsters Inc is a perfect film. Concept. Exposition. Character/development. Jokes per minute. Pathos. Reveals. Pace. Structure. Honestly, it’s all flawless.
What is the film you think is perfect - not your favourite - but technically, from a film perspective?
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Hi. My sons woken up between 4:45 and 5:45 for a week and I just…I just need some sympathy. That’s it.
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To celebrate Louis CK’s Grammy, here are some comics who’ve never sexually assaulted anyone. Follow, see, buy their stuff:
@JenKirkman
@TheLondonHughes
@AureliaStClair
@BridgetChristie
@BethStelling
@CeliaPacquola
@josierones
@BethStelling
@fatihaelghorri
@pleaseletmestay
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13 yrs without a drink 🥃 If anyone’s thinking about giving up, it’s the best decision I made back then, & as a result my life is infinitely better. Xmas is a hard time to quit but there’s always a “good reason” to drink if it’s a problem for you. Sending you strength&sobriety💪
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my six month old baby has slept through two nights in a row and i think this is what heroin feels like
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okay, this is not a joke, or bait, this is a real question about the royal family -
what do they do? people love them so much, and some of our tax money go to them, so what do they do to earn that money that couldn’t be done or isn’t being done by someone else I’m not paying?
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@girlpowertbh
we believe you. and all the dudes trying to find holes in your story are just looking like paedophiles rn
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can we all just grow up and admit that grilled tomatoes 🍅 on a big breakfast are terrible and stop serving them? thanks
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Congratulations to everyone in Victoria. Four months of lockdown. 0 new cases. 0 deaths. You all did it, and saved the rest of the country. Huge sacrifice, huge pain and mental anguish. I wish I could buy you all a beer (but I’m in UK where we had 19,000 new cases yesterday🤪)
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if you were considering becoming a lesbian, may i offer this image for encouragement
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My husband is 6 years younger and just OK Boomered me. So sad to be getting a divorce.
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Ooo, International Women’s Day approaches. You know what that means? Lots of offers of unpaid labour for female performers!
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my grandma has just "checked in" on Facebook...in the town she has lived in for 40 years and i am here for it.
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This little clip's up to 1.8million views on Facebook. Have a look if you fancy. And if you're in the UK, I'm currently on tour. Tix at If you're in Australia, I'm there in 2019. If you hate this...also cool.
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Wordle 213 X/6
🟩🟩🟩⬛⬛
🟩🟩🟩⬛⬛
🟩🟩🟩⬛⬛
🟩🟩🟩⬛⬛
🟩🟩🟩⬛⬛
🟩🟩🟩⬛⬛
Absolutely shameful. Who knew there were so many variant endings
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#NaomiOsaka
is an absolute legend. Imagine being the best in the world at something & avoiding a grand slam & putting your mental health first. The courage it takes to do that. I’m truly shocked that people are like “if she wanted to be an athlete she should have known.” What?
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It’s
#WorldMentalHealthDay
I have post natal depression. I’ve had to see 4 different therapists this year & im on anti depressants for the first time. They have saved my life, my marriage & my ability to be a mum. It’s hard. It gets better. It gets worse. I’m glad it’s easier.
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@up_grc1986
@emerald1910
Depression isn’t a poor attitude. It’s a chemical imbalance, and a disease. I’m sure your intentions are good, but as someone with plenty of mental health issues, it’s not helpful. As you can also see he just asked for a hello. X
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when my not yet two year old splashes himself in the face with bath water he yells “towel” like I’m his Wimbledon ball boy
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What a comic. Was performing at Actors Hour. Harvey Weinstein was INVITED to this event.
For comics that think it’s edgy to make racist or sexist quips...Making jokes about a rapist to their face, & discussing your own rape, at a corporate on stage - that’s edgy mate.
Keep getting new followers today is it because my tweets are so fire? lol fuck Weinstein and thanks
@ambercrollo
ILY
#mysecondtweet
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We don’t need lights or awareness. We need better national funding, resources, good policy, and about thirty years ago.
Last night we lit Downing Street in green to mark the start of
#MentalHealthAwarenessWeek
.
We must all work together to make sure that looking after our mental health is as natural and positive as looking after our physical health.
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Great. You killed Leonard Cohen. Thanks 2016. You're a real asshole.
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I was the only Aussie supporter at Wembley Boxpark. When we scored 2 people congratulated me. When England won, they hugged me & said “The Matildas have been tremendous. Well done. This is about much more than football.” Then we smiled & took a selfie. You’re embarrassing England
BREAKING: England’s fabulous
@Lionesses
crush Australia’s wilting Matildas 3-1 in their own back yard to reach the Women’s World Cup Final….
…. sweet revenge for the Jonny Bairstow Ashes runout debacle.
Congrats ladies- you’ve made your country proud! 👏👏👏
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every major breakthrough I’ve ever had in therapy happens nine seconds before the end of the session, just before they go on holidays for a month
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Looking forward to breastfeeding 🤱🏻 🙅🏻♀️
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It’s probably the raping that’s doing it, no?
[this is a real headline]
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congratulations, and I mean this sincerely, to every couple who hasn’t got a divorce this year
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also a big F you to our local council who put in a childrens park without a toilet, any drinking fountains, shade, and only two benches for a playground that has about 50 kids at a time. Where do kids do a shit? Or keep hydrated in 33 degrees. This country confounds me so often.
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i suppose i can stop sterilising my baby’s bottles since i found him licking the wheel of his pram today
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just a note for my future self:
when you open the oven there is a plume of hot air. every time. never changes. always hot. please stop making the same mistake.
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just kissed my husband intimately on the back of the neck, as I walked past him, while working from home. he started this job on Monday. i thought he was watching a video. he was on a meeting with the CEO 😎
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Just threw a bag of kale in the oven. On a tray. With some soy sauce. Ten minutes. Happy to report - still disgusting
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The easiest way to explain new parenthood is that my husband and I have been watching John Wick 3 since New Year’s Eve...and we have 48minutes to go.
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BOUGHT FIVE NEW BRAS IN A 90MINUTE FITTING TODAY AND I AM READY TO RUN THE COUNTRY
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An NHS mid wife from the maternity triage line FACETIMED with me at 2am because to show me a breastfeeding position because my newborn wouldn’t stop crying and wasn’t feeding. It worked. They are amazing.
If everyone who has ever been grateful for the NHS followed and retweeted we would reach a million by midnight
It takes just one click and your support would mean a lot
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Open your own fucking shelter then complain. This fucking preschool level debating “if I did that I’d be racist”. Who are you angry at? People helping DV Survivors?!! Grow. up. Go help someone instead of constantly bitching about what other people are doing to help themselves
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you ate beetroot last night you are not dying
you ate beetroot last night you are not dying
you ate beetroot last night you are not dying
you ate beetroot last night you are not dying
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Oh god. Tim Brooke-Taylor has died. I loved the Goodies so much I made a hand painted T-shirt when I was a kid. I’ll be drinking tea, crying in a high pitched voice and wearing Union Jack boxer shorts just for you tonight, Tim.
#RIPTimBrookeTaylor
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cats out of the bag. here we farken go, eh?
#TheOffice
Amazon Prime Wordlwide (excl. USA) 2024
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My favourite bit about being a stay at home mum is not having a baby yet.
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I am a lot heavier than I have ever been in my life (I had a baby 4 months ago) and my husband sang this afternoon, to the tune of The Circle of Life, “The Circular Wife” and I would be very angry if it wasn’t so very funny.
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we need to teach our sons that girls owe you nothing. we need to teach them about heartbreak. That it hurts and it’s normal and we all go through it and cry all those tears and that’s okay too. Geewhiz I got some work to do with my boy.
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can we just fast forward to the end of series 2020? none of the characters are likeable and i don't like the storylines
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How much coke you reckon’s being done or booze is being drunk in Parliament House on the tax payer’s dollar. Fuck, and I cannot stress this enough, off.
Raising Newstart would 'give drug dealers more money', social services minister says
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When you have a newborn how does one, as they say, “leave the house ever again”?
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having one of the worst professional days of my entire career, and i would really like to stop and thank my anti-depressants. what a miracle they, and my psychotherapy combined, are
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Kid: this is a normal childhood
20s: okay there was some stuff that wasn’t ideal but I’m fine
30s: I find things hard and I have no idea why
40s: oh, I need to deal with my childhood properly and that’s why life is hard, and oh man this news is coming very late in the day
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me trying not to blurt out over the past four months that im the new boss in
#TheOffice
Australia
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are you telling me, alcohol lowers your inhibitions and judgement??? HOW COME NO ONE TOLD US?
Coronavirus: Morning update as police warn drunks cannot distance
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I have Covid-19. Great stuff. Hashtag blessed. Hashtag all gods children. This is not a joke btw.
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Hey England, you know how you’ve seen some of the most incredible and wild games of the wonderful sport you invented? THEN WHY DONT YOU FUCKING PLAY IT ON TERRESTRIAL TV SO THE COUNTRY CAN ENJOY IT & NOT MAKE IT FOR PEOPLE WHO CAN AFFORD SKY?
#StillAngry
#Ashes
#Ashes19
#Cricket
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Just a real enjoyable thread everybody. Have a great day.
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You should be able to have your trauma outline saved on a USB so before you start with a new therapist you can just email them your CV of dysfunction ahead of time and save yourself two sessions.
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who tf do you think designed this ad? who created the font? who took the photograph? who is the model in this ad? who put the costume together?
PEOPLE IN THE ARTS YOU MAD C-NTS
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Here is a helpful tweet: Africa by Toto is the best alarm for your phone. Starts with soft percussion. Eases in with some keys. You never want to press snooze. And on top of that you can hear it every day and still be excited that you’re about to hear Africa by Toto
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