Late to the party Laura
@ericamorecambe
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I’m not sure that it’s me who’s late or you who is early. On IG with same name. Also
In partial shade
Joined February 2010
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Pinned Tweet
I have absolutely no problem getting to sleep when it’s time to get up.
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After age 30 do we keep all clothes in case they fit again forever? Asking for a friend.
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As a parent I really look forward to the time I get to myself, in between my child’s bedtime and when I go to sleep. All 7 minutes of it.
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Ahh, lovely bed. Closes eyes.
Brain: I have never felt SO alive.
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Let’s clean the house for our guests and pretend this is how we always live.
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When I don’t want to do something, I just break it down into little steps. All of which I don’t want to do either.
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My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he'd accidentally hung it up.
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I went up the stairs to get something. Got up there and realised I had no idea what it was I needed so started to come down again. The cat who normally follows me had waited at the bottom of the stairs. Knowingly.
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Me: Absolutely broke.
Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.
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There are 2 levels of clean in my house.
1. Not clean.
2. It’s better than it was.
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The trouble with children is that they’re so awake in the mornings.
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Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
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My husband isn’t the average husband who stands in the way of a kitchen drawer. He’s able to block a person’s path EVERY single time they change direction in a kitchen.
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I just looked up symptoms of someone who looks up symptoms all the time and I definitely have symptoms.
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Me: Would you get me 2 things?
Husband: Send me a list.
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Nothing more passive aggressive than a login that doesn’t let you see what you’ve put in as your password.
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In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
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I bought another pair of jeans purposely so I have two pairs to wear instead of just the ones I’m always in. I now only wear the second pair.
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The last “1 minute” of a wash cycle is why I have trust issues.
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It wouldn’t hurt logins to be more encouraging and say “Not quite. You’re close though..”
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The other day in Costas, my 10 yr old ruined her straw so I went to get her another. She then proceeded to do the same things that she did with the last one. Losing my patience I told her to stop doing that as that was the last straw.
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Never get in the way of a woman who is panic cleaning.
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The only trouble with getting up early is everything.
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I went to look at the time at the top of the page in a book.
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“Would you like your receipt?”
Yes please as I was in a daze when I used my card and have no idea how much I paid.
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If anyone needs a bit of extra help with their worrying, I am available. I have so much experience in worrying, I worry about worrying. So why not let me worry on your behalf? No worry is too big or too small.
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Don’t stress about getting the house clean if you’ve got people over today. Saying “imagine it clean though” saves a lot of time.
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Made the ridiculous mistake of letting my child’s egg touch the toast on her plate.
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At what age do husbands stop leaving their clothes where they drop them?
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Make an awkward situation worse by saying things only you think are funny.
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Desperate for sleep, I collapse into bed. Never readier.
My head finally on the pillow.
This is so.. so…… Oh, I’ve forgotten how to sleep.
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There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
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An introvert’s worst nightmare: Having dinner round a large table of people that you don’t know.
An introvert’s worst nightmare also: Having dinner round a large table of people that you do know.
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Imagine having a place for everything in your house.
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I can’t be sure but think I just saw a child turn a light off.
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Husbands and wives help each other round the house by doing things that the other thinks completely unnecessary.
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I just need an exercise that I can do in zero time which makes me tone up 100% and also lose weight.
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Finally went jogging. Got a security alert from my Fitbit due to suspicious activity.
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Do the parents “making special memories” on Facebook every week know that they could just go for a walk and chat with their kids instead?
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I’m so good at multitasking I can be exhausted and not sleep at the same time.
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The problem with getting up early is that it gives you much more time to be late.
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All those things you’re keeping “in case.” You’ll never use them.
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If you’ve not tested your smoke alarm in a while, allow me to come and cook in your kitchen.
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Does anyone actually know the cost of an arm and a leg?
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Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more.
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I’m never more late than when someone’s meeting me at my own house.
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If you enjoy arguing when you’re actually agreeing with each other, maybe marriage is for you.
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This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
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Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
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When a cat sees inside a kitchen cupboard it’s like a whole new room to them.
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Shoutout to all dogs wearing little coats this winter.
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Welcome to parenthood. You'll be winging it for the next 18 years.
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Buying clothes a size larger to grow into isn’t exclusive to children you know.
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Husband did bedtime last night. My child is still not in bed.
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The dramatic entrance of a cat:
Cat walks in.
Blinks at you.
Walks out.
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Your bed has NEVER been more comfortable than when your alarm goes off.
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Put something away in a safe place so when you need it YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHERE IT IS.
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The leading cause for getting absolutely nothing done is children.
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What kids don’t realise is that we don’t want to do things either.
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If you’re unsure of your imperfections, just talk to any child for 5 seconds and they’ll be more than happy to point them out.
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Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
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I like to eat chocolate from out of the fridge. What I mean by that is I eat half a chocolate bar and put the rest in the fridge for the next day. Then less than 1/2 a second later, I take it out again and eat the rest.
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Thankfully LinkedIn hasn't gone down otherwise there'd be bullet points everywhere on here.
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If I can carry 12 things up the stairs in one go I will.
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Me: Did you get the printer paper I need?
Husband: No, but I’ve got a kitten.
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If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
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If you’re not familiar with weekends, you have to relax as well as get everything done.
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My whole life flashed before me as I scrolled to the correct birth year.
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Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
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Deadly spider just identified as bit of black thread. We are all ok.
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Too much money on your hands? Have a child.
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Do the people who don’t wear a coat when it’s cold know that they could wear one and be much happier?
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A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
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I love my child but not in a I want to get up at 5.30am kind of way
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Make guests feel like they've got their lives together by not tidying the house before they come round.
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The more the merrier.
People?
No, cakes.
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Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
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I keep telling my husband to get his hearing checked but he doesn’t listen.
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Parenting time explained.
Child at home: 1hr = 5hrs
Child out at school: 1hr = 5 mins
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Best thing about cats is when they sit upright on a chair at the table like another little person.
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Nothing like a day out with your family to make you want a week in all by yourself.
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You know when you look at your phone to check the time and then have to look a second time as you didn’t really look.
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Critical thinking is what I excel at instead of sleeping at night.
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What hard drugs pairs well with three screaming 8yr olds round your house for a playdate?
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I never thought I’d be wondering what to do about my eyebrows so much as an adult.
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When you have a black cat, you will forever mistake other black objects for them.
Frying pan: cat
Umbrella: cat
Laptop bag: cat
Fan: cat
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My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
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Do the people that go out know that they can stay in?
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Welcome to parenthood where your weekends are both too short and too long.
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Sigh.. Now I’ve got to check the internet every 2 minutes instead of going to sleep.
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There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
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Marriage is all about sharing tasks but always making sure the other one knows your share is larger.
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Called my husband’s name up the stairs and the cat stuck her head out the bannister like she was saying “what?”
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How can you tell if an 8 year old is lying?
They’re 8.
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First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
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