Erica Buist
@ericabuist
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Writer, mostly @guardian . Plays/films @wearestockroom , memoir THIS PARTY’S DEAD. Teacher @citylit and @guardianclasses . Writing a novel but I’m ok.
London, England
Joined October 2009
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“Poignant and often hilarious” - Publisher’s Weekly
“A fantastic, death-positive memoir” - Foreword Reviews
“A rollicking, globe-trotting death adventure” - Brooklyn Rail
“A f*cking masterpiece”
Paperback out February 17th:
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Wow, did they even TRY thoughts and prayers?
Minister David Parker confirmed that Semi Automatic weapons will be banned in New Zealand.
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Why not just ban guns and when people are upset about it, just send them thoughts and prayers?
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This must be Boris Johnson's actual personal hell, going around the country listening to ordinary people make excellent points at him in regional accents.
I think I’ve wet myself😭😂🤣
Guy “You should be in Brussels negotiating”
Boris “We are negotiating”
Guy “You are not you’re in Morley in Leeds!!!”
LauraK narrating “he attracts trouble”
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I don’t think I could keep a smile off my face if I watched this 80,000 times.
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Did a wolf write this
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Big Ben has stopped and there are blood covered horses running through the streets of London. Maybe someone should check on the ravens in the Tower because this feels a LOT like a season finale.
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Shut up or Britain will vote for it
If all the spiders in the world worked together, they could eat all humans in just one year.
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No to the “statues of slave traders educate us about why slavery was bad” take. No they don’t. We have statues of people we venerate and celebrate. That’s why there are no statues of Hitler, that’s why there won’t be any of statues of Boris Johnson or the cat-bin lady or covid-19
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If "thoughts and prayers" are good enough for people who've lost their families then it's good enough for people who've lost their guns.
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@nytimes
All very funny but this is serious: I said “after you” to a woman entering a cafe and instead of saying “no no please, my good lady I insist, after YOU” she went in, ordered exactly what I was going to order for lunch, and got the last one. I almost tutted but I am not an animal.
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I work for a homelessness charity: Britain now has families in full time work living in tents, stop telling everyone you can’t do maths
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Morning. They’ve done the story again.
“Molly Beard managed to buy a home by herself long before she turned 30 - without being gifted a chunk of cash either.
...when she finished her degree, she moved back in with her parents.”
See you all again in three months.
Woman explains how she saved £30,000 in four years to buy her first home by 27
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I know it’s Allison Pearson, but serious question: is it that she STILL doesn’t understand that the lockdown is about keeping OTHER, MORE VULNERABLE PEOPLE safe, not just yourself? Or do you think if someone offered her £1m to explain it, she could?
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I am house hunting and some of the pics are extraordinary. This, for example, seems ill-advised.
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Public health equivalent of pretending the spoon is an aeroplane
After resisting wearing a mask in public, President Trump now says he thinks it makes him look like the Lone Ranger - and he likes it.
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My mum’s favourite joke when I was a kid was to answer us saying we were hungry with “What?! I fed you yesterday!” But apparently that’s now...the actual Tory line?
Is this Conservative MP for Birmingham Northfield saying it's ok for kids to go hungry during half term because they've "been benefiting from free school meals during term time"?
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Big “who shit our pants?” energy from the DM this morning.
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I know the whole “well this blew up” follow-up tweet never works, so I urge you to ignore the fact that I’m writing a book in which I travel to seven death festivals () and instead focus on what’s really important: my dog Ludo
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@AntsInOK
@ArmsControlWonk
I’m positive you understand really, but for the record: when ordinary people send thoughts and prayers, that’s beautiful. When politicians offer them instead of taking action, that’s parroting empathy and religion in place of actually trying to prevent this kind of attack.
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@JimMFelton
The timing on that final “twat“ was glorious. That moment will always be the best thing to come from Brexit.
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The thing they bang on about most when you start out in journalism is that you write *for the reader*. Personally I’ve always suspected we also affect how people think, but either way: this was written because it reflects who and what we are on this nasty little island.
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Is anyone else worried that they’re going to vaccinate all the over 50s then open everything up and start guilting the rest of us into going back to the office, going to pubs etc, telling us not to worry because we probably won’t die?
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White male privilege is murdering your entire family and still having news outlets point out that apart from all the murdering you were a lovely chap
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Hi, EU. I’m sure you know, but we are utterly embarrassed by this. To the marrow. We’ve been hijacked, and we’re sorry, and also dying inside.
Mairead McGuinness cuts Nigel Farage's mic - "Sit down, put your flags away - you're leaving - & take them with you - goodbye" 👍
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Unless you’re literally calling an ambulance, stop what you’re doing and watch this
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Misogyny and language:
The active verb in this headline is the headbutting; but the sexual assault she was defending herself against is described in the passive. Almost as if the grabbing just happened, like a natural disaster. No need to focus on the perpetrator, move along now
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Ew. EW. Casting him as some hero and the experts as the baddies. This country is SO EMBARRASSING. If I ran the world, my first authoritarian move would be to ban every “sick of experts” person from seeing dentists, doctors, lawyers... only keen amateurs for them.
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@Luiseach
I still think about the time
@jessicafostekew
told me she was introduced as “Jessica Frostitute”. Amazing.
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Hey American followers - since we have your president visiting us, this seems like a good time to remind you that “cunt” has a different meaning over here. It’s not misogynist or gendered in any way when we use it. It just means deplorable asshole. We are insulting only him.
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@SINON_REBORN
@BeeBabs
“So little girl, you fell off your bike? Let’s see if you’re also a KILLER IN THE MAKING”.
“Doctor, please, my knee cap is exposed”
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Trump: “I DEMAND A RECOUNT WHERE I LOST AND I DEMAND YOU STOP COUNTING VOTES AGAINST ME THERE AND I DEMAND MURDOCH CHANGE THE NEWS TO REFLECT MY IMAGINED REALITY AND ALSO I WILL SUE EVERYONE IN WISCONSIN”
Telegraph: Trump has the moral victory
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“They’re not pro-life, they’re anti-woman. Simple as it gets.”
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It must be nice to have lived a life in which you are blind to the huge, yawning gulf between “legally we have to let you in but ugh” and “you are welcome here”.
I no longer understand what this means. Surely. legally, they are not allowed to exclude anyone. So why have it?
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@Derek27054383
Oh Derek. Don’t we just wish it were? It is an actual man getting paid actual British pounds to comment on the news. This is the guy who last year claimed you can grow concrete. Then doubled down.
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@KatyMontgomerie
This is horrific and I’m so so sorry. It breaks my heart that you even wondered what’s wrong with you. You are excellent. Every drop of wrongness in this story belongs to him. I’m so sorry and I hope you’re ok.
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How do we reckon Farage feels about a new, younger, more moisturised but equally boring grifter emerging on the scene?
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White male privilege is walking into a synagogue, shooting people dead, and the press blames the door.
A gunman who expressed hatred of Jews exploited doors that were unlocked for worship to target a Pittsburgh synagogue, killing 11 people and wounding six.
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I’ve decided a scientist turned up to work one day with a llama, that the receptionist just said “Morning Dave” and left him to it and I do not want anyone to ruin that image with facts.
Don’t make fun of your weirdos, society.
Antibodies from llamas found to stop coronavirus entering human cells
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Those ‘well this blew up’ follow-up tweets never actually work, do they? No, behave. So please ignore the book I’m writing about the world’s death festivals and instead look at my dog Ludo. Look at his perfect little porg face.
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Got a message from a friend who said they wore a mask for 10 mins yesterday and nearly passed out because it was cake
Got a message from a friend who said they wore a mask for 10 mins yesterday & nearly passed out. I fear that mandatory mask wearing will kill people. Many with breathing probs who should not be wearing masks will feel compelled to wear due to
#masksnitch
pressure. It’s all wrong.
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@FelicityMorse
“We’d probably be together now” - dude, she seems awesome and you’re a judgmental tool who thinks hair should be accompanied by shame and apologies, she surely would have dumped you by now.
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I’m on an IKEA day bed, and the two thirds of it I’ve been apportioned are quite comfy indeed!
#duvetknowitschristmas
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@_roryturnbull
Hi, I’m a businessman in a movie. I hired a secretary and gave her exactly one job: to yell “You can’t go in there!” at men who ignore her and charge into my office anyway and it’s always fine really.
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I don’t even care if this is real. This has ruined me.
“a reasonable amount of beans”
“I think it is completely ridiculous to bury the beans in the woods”
“How can I convince her to tell me where the beans are?”
“I WILL NEVER JEOPARDISE THE BEANS”
My (30 M) girlfriend (30 F) buried all of my beans in the woods and won't tell me where, causing a fight between us.
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Conspiracy theories are a life hack for idiots who want to feel smarter than other people without the bellyache of actually learning anything.
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I *think* there may be a strip of glass there?! Anyway as a clumsy person who enjoys sliding across hardwood floors on my socks, this gives me the shivers, I would slide through there like a cartoon character
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This killed me, and is the perfect antidote to the creepiness that was Tom Hiddleston making you breakfast advert
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Medical Twitter: discharging a 74-year-old obese man with covid and putting him on an aircraft when he’s quite clearly struggling to breathe - would you say that’s malpractice? Because the optics aren’t great. Surely, SURELY they at least would have made him sign an AMA?!
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What a stunningly weird lie to tell.
I’m really enjoying the “Thighland” controversy I seem to have kicked off. Outside of America, every English speaking country, starting with the one that invented the language, pronounces it the way Trump did. “Tai-land” is for frontier people who like to simplify pronunciations
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@CuriouslyEmily
Did you want to lean over and whisper “while we’re telling you painful truths, you’re an armrest hog”
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Hubs’s uncle is a musician and he’s doing daily tunes to cheer people up. Sharing here as he does them, with his permission. Here is yesterday’s.
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On an entirely unrelated note, here's a headline from 1930s Germany, "Traitors to the people".
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“You can only meet in places you have to spend money” might be the Toriest moment of the pandemic so far. It makes me think of a colleague who told me she was lactose intolerant “apart from ice cream”
UPDATE: Households will be allowed to meet in the pub/restaurants but not at home
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I was followed on Insta by someone using my friend’s name and photo. A scammer whose time I’m having enormous fun wasting (this is entirely inspired by
@deathtospinach
and if you don’t already follow her, you’re welcome for the intro)
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We now live in a world where it’s someone’s job to write human sentiments about a mass murder and send them from the Twitter account of the very person who radicalised the murderer.
...This evil Anti-Semitic attack is an assault on humanity. It will take all of us working together to extract the poison of Anti-Semitism from our world. We must unite to conquer hate.
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@agirlcalledlina
Heckington. I like to imagine it was originally called Hellington and then they changed it because NAUGHTY WORD
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Donald, you said there were no-go areas in London, but honestly your schools are more dangerous than our ghettos.
Keep your false prayers and flaccid condolences and do something.
My prayers and condolences to the families of the victims of the terrible Florida shooting. No child, teacher or anyone else should ever feel unsafe in an American school.
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@MarkFieldUK
This didn’t get as many RTs as the video of you making sure a woman DIDN’T feel safe and protected in the work she does so she could speak freely and be part of the change we all want. It’s a shame, I preferred this guy.
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I feel attacked by this fact
Caffeinated bees are more energetic but not more productive.
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I’ve called the police and they said they’ve been inundated with calls about this
Milk coke is a real thing. Brummies love it. We can all move on from this discussion now, I will be taking no further questions.
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Watching Titanic with my dad. Old Rose dropped the massive diamond in the ocean.
Sniffling moviegoers: *gasp* “Aww!”
My dad: “Oh, STUPID woman!”
Tell me your favorite moment you ever experienced in a movie theater. GO.
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@LauraPAuthor
‘Repollo’ = Spanish for cabbage.
‘Pollo’ = Spanish for chicken.
In Mexico, ‘re’ is slang for ‘very’.
I joked that “very chicken” is a weird way to describe a leafy vegetable.
My Mexican bf laughed, then explained it’s funny because ‘re’ means very.
As if I hadn’t made the joke.
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Hello! Do you wear your mask with your nose hanging out? Please reply with your reasons. Help me understand.
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Sorry to be the death anxiety nerd again but: if you feel weird about it, it’s normal. She’s not just someone else’s Nan, she’s a cultural symbol and is therefore supposed to be somewhat immortal. It may trigger your own grief as well. It’s all normal.
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Right. Look. I love my friend, and she’s very sick with probable covid, and of course she’s worried about her dad... but how am I supposed to not laugh when she messages me “my dad is out there exposing himself”?
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This is very, very much Not A Good Look. For the cop the dog rightly identified as an aggressor, I mean. The dog is perfect and righteous and deserves a medal.
A medal made of steak.
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@MarkVirag
@_roryturnbull
*rolls eyes, puts down tumbler of whiskey, indicates to come in anyway, says “I’ll call you back” and hangs up the phone, says “it’s alright, Helen” to secretary who insists she tried to stop you, picks up whiskey*
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Wake up sheeple! Covid is a conspiracy perpetrated by the ones who are REALLY in charge: the people who paint circles on shop floors! That makes sense and definitely isn’t the very, very stupidest thing that’s been said since this nightmare began.
The vested interests in keeping corona going are now massive. Politicians, big pharma, manufacturers of plastic crap; painters of stupid circles on shop floors etc etc etc. Bear that in mind next time you hear about some scary sounding new variant
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What (interrogative pronoun, sorry) is he (subject pronoun, apologies) running his (possessive pronoun, my bad) mouth off about now? Someone (indefinite pronoun, gah!) should really tell him (object pronoun, ffs) to stop this (demonstrative pronoun, ARGH) relentless nonsense.
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@SofieHagen
Whenever I’ve lost weight (not on purpose) people talked about how much better I looked as if Previous Me wasn’t in the room. She was. It was me. Right here. Same person. Rude.
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This really does have the cadence, rhythm and editing of a comedy sketch. It’s just astonishing.
“There are those that say you can test too much, you do know that?”
“Who says that?”
“Read the manuals”
“Manuals? What manuals?”
“Read the books”
“What books?”
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My mum is a nurse, and when I was young I asked her why there’s no abortion debate in the UK. She told me the hideous fact: either women can get them, or they do it themselves with knitting needles. The real debate is: do we care?
We’ve just got our answer from Alabama.
Alabama lawmakers just passed a bill banning virtually all abortions in the state, even for victims of rape and incest.
"We're telling a pregnant 12-year-old that she doesn't have a choice," Democrat Rodger Smitherman said.
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So weird that backing a narcissist didn’t end up benefiting Milo. Who could have predicted that he wouldn’t be thanked and taken care of? It’s just so WEIRD when grifters grift their fellow grifters. SO IRREGULAR.
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Weird how no one who "tells it like it is" has anything nice to say. It's almost as if they're just demanding a medal for the personality trait of rudeness.
"Look no one else will tell you this but I call it as I see it: that is a banging shade of lipstick you're rocking"
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Ok, I engaged with a gun troll. I told him the reason *I too* don’t think a blanket ban on guns can work ON ITS OWN. I suspect he won’t like the reason. Wish me luck.
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@mrjohnofarrell
Wow. I’m starting to think benefit of the doubt might be the single biggest privilege there is.
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No, ignorance is great. We should definitely keep the existence of about 8% of everyone a secret from children. How else will they learn how to behave towards them when they get old enough to treat people like shit?
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Slaves did, actually.
God, you’re boring for a man named after the cologne worn by a middle manager at an accountancy firm
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@SpillerOfTea
It’s like living in the kind of recurring nightmare you eventually go to therapy for.
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Look I’m just saying, if a man’s wife had left him in 1966 and he was still claiming she was coming home, you’d back away slowly.
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Fake news. This is clearly a shoal of ravioli.
CATCH OF THE DAY: Stunning drone footage follows school of Cownose Rays swimming in crystal clear waters off the Australian coast.
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@Scientits
But… but I want the view interrupted or all I see is myself accidentally becoming part of it
I do not understand estate agents
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@amodernwhovian
It's my Twitter dream to reply "thoughts and prayers" to some hopping mad ex-gun owner with a flag avatar
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Literally taking breaks from packing for a move to rewatch this
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