Elizabeth
@elizabeth_bert
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15,052
Following
239
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367
Statuses
2,439
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SEVENTEEN
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ミンギュ
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ITZY WORLD IS STILL DIFFERENT
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I spend 5 min a day writing positive things on random people’s posts that seem to be having a hard time. Even if they don’t who I am I just want them to feel good and know they aren’t alone.
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I crocheted this blanket. Yes, it is hideous. Not sure where I went wrong but I was enthusiastic while doing it.
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Pineapple belongs on pizza. There I said it. Fight me, you savages.
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So are we all here because Facebook and Instagram are down again?
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My now ex: After your surgery, I got the worst of you
Me: *Walking out door* Honey, you were lucky to even have had me in the first place
16 months ago, I had my entire colon removed. It changed my entire life. It taught me not to settle for less. Or anyone less.
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Just starting my day off with some low-effort sh’tposting and memes.
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Sharing this here because it was banned on Instagram due to overly zealous censorship. Bless 🙏🏼
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@bertkreischer
Can you please take your wife on tour with you and have her in some acts? I’m living for her comebacks and witty responses to your shenanigans in your Netflix special. She’s also a total hottie.
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New favorite pic. I’m bottom left. Horse kept shoving his face in my bum. Didn’t even take me to dinner first.
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I need to clarify something, please.
In a recent magazine interview, it says “Liz Bert feels the sexiest when naked”. I actually said, “I feel the sexiest without skin”. It was a dark Silence of the Lambs joke. They edited it.
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Baby Liz! This was my second cover ever! Not gonna lie, kinda looking like Jesus in that robe
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Just realized I’ve only experienced 3 years of being healthy and pain-free in my entire life. Those 3 years were epic! I’m going to get back there.
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I hear there are also Italians in Italy 🇮🇹
I need some guidance from the Lord above because I don’t know how to process this
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Hi my name is Liz, and I’m a pizza and Disney addict. If you like both these things, let’s be friends
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Thank you so much for all the birthday wishes! Sharing some new work here too.
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Proof I’m actually a robot. You were all correct. 404 ERROR
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I always ask for a rectal exam when I go to the doctors. Colon cancer is more prevalent than ever in young people. Not sure why my dentist blocked me, though.
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This is why I moved to Florida: in a bikini in January. As much as I love the large snakes and bad drivers, the weather is what cinched it.
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Thank you so much for this edit. I didn’t notice the cat until I went to post this. Hahahaha.
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If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from online impulse buying and eating pizza bagel bites, not another person
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The only thing bigger than my boobs are my eyebrows. I mean, my heart
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Ok, hear me out. So, having a baby is bringing a soul, an entity made of star stuff— biochemical carbon based star stuff that thinks about itself— into the world through a fleshy vesicle. So, does that mean.... that my vagina is a portal to the cosmos?
Am I a space ship?
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Why are people inviting me to large parties for the 4th? Are you guys insane? There’s still an epidemic. Two of my neighbors in NYC just died. Wth. Be responsible.
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People say my house is haunted. I’ve been here 100 years and haven’t seen a ghost yet!
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Tomorrow is my birthday. And I’m still alive, it seems. So that’s pretty cool.
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From being told as a teen I wasn’t going to live very long, to homelessness, to a model, to an Ivy League student, to starting a business, to losing my colon, to raising thousands for veterans, to being nominated as a top model by Maxim— all before turning 30.
It’s been a ride.
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Just got a DM from a guy in South Wales. He asked about my Crohns, then said “you’re too beautiful to be sick!” AND NOW IM HEALED, ITS AMAZING HOW HAVE I NOT DONE THIS UNTIL NOW?!
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The coronavirus vaccine will be $1000 per person. Fortunately, I live in the US and have health insurance, so I will pay $1000.
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Thank you so much for making little things like this for me. I do notice them and they bring me joy.
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5 years ago, my friend dated a girl who asked me where I was from:
“Maryland”, I said.
She responded, “Oh, is that near Florida?”
Assuming she might not be American, I said no and asked where she was from.
She said, “Oh, Florida.”
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but everything will be alright. It may seem like everything is going wrong this year, and I’m sorry you have to be so strong right now. But, you will be okay. You are NOT alone.
I am with you.
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It still doesn’t sit right with me that I got a 30 day Facebook ban for saying “why would I shave my Pomeranian?”
5 days left til jailbreak.
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Someone just called me an idiot because I don’t carry a gun. I live in NYC! Concealed carry is basically impossible to obtain. I can’t even carry a samurai sword, which is vastly more disappointing.
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Tomorrow is National Sex Day, and I just wanted to take a moment to appreciate the sexy men in my life. So shout out to Ben & Jerry.
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Men in my comments: Nice, bro. I’d totally smash. Ur not my type normally, but you’re funny. Haha.
Women: OMG you are a beautiful angel of light and I would die for you
My grandma: ELIZABETH DID YOU SAY A PRAYER TODAY TO SAINT FRANCIS?? YOUR COUSIN HAS GALLSTONES
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My personality and dark sense of humor are 99.9% effective at preventing pregnancy
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One of my followers accidentally forwarded me my own tweet writing “Follow this chick, mate. She’s hot but totally crazy. Lol.”
I don’t know how to feel about this.
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All I want in life is to eat pizza naked next to a man I love in total silence, while watching Netflix. But like every day.
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American food chains are a lie. Panda Express isn’t even made with real panda.
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It makes me sad when people say 2020 has been a waste because they are living like I have lived since I was 8 due to an invisible illness. My life hasn’t been a waste. 😞
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This morning, I saw my neighbor talking to her cat. Woman thought her cat understood her. So I went back into my house and told my dog, we laughed about it.
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Hello. I just want everyone to know that I really like banana bread. Retweet if you, too, enjoy banana bread like me.
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Ever been to a Turkish spa? Holy shit.
Went to Turkish spa last week. Large Turkish woman comes in, throat punches me, and smacks me around a bit with some branches. Charges me $45.
10/10 would go back.
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