emily
@ecogggswell
Followers
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Following
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Statuses
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owner of a broken brain (she/her)
albaNY
Joined September 2011
If my ex ever made a “to whoever gets her next” video about me while crying and shit I’d file a restraining order.
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Men be like I like u a lot but I’m going through a lot with daylight saving time and having to stop for gas on my way to work once a week I just don’t really have time to commit to u.
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Bitches that had granite counter tops and went to Disney every February and call their mom a bitch be tweeting “we weren’t rich but my parents made sure we had what we needed no matter how much they had to sacrifice and I’m so thankful for that”.
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This may be controversial but if I had $9k a week of disposable income I would simply hand my friends cash whenever they needed it.
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My bf knows the annoying things I’m gonna say before I can say them lmao last night he was changing his phone background n shows me his new one then immediately in a high voice goes “why isn’t it me” like yes thank u for saving my breath why isn’t it.
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Dating a man with a fully developed prefrontal cortex would kinda hit different.
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Dating wouldn’t be so awful if Snapchat was never invented. Just fucking text me you absolute freak, you’re 26 years old.
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My boyfriend:.Me: so ur telling me that if u walked into a room full of girls you’d talk to ME?! What if I didn’t have a nose???? And what if I was 6’4? And if I was wearing a shirt u thought was really ugly. ???.
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Ladies what do u say after perfectly coherent, complete, intelligent thoughts to soften yourself? I say “u know?” but I know “does that make sense” is quite popular.
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This is the newspaper that broke Watergate.
bless each of these thicc bears
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My bf is friends w his coworker who is cuter than me and I hung out w her today and she’s COOL and FUNNY and likes sports. ,,,, do I start a fight w him ab it be honest.
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I’m getting off Twitter bc girls keep tweeting ab how they’re watching football instead of The Bachelor and I can’t compete. They’re gonna steal all the men because they’re so cool and laid back! I’ll try again tomorrow tho.
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One time I asked my boyfriend at the time why he never called me pretty or anything and he said “I’m dating you I figured you’d assume I thought that” men really don’t be getting it huh.
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Drunk Elephant used one of my tweets on their insta and as a thank you sent me nine (9) full sized products I could k*ll myself I have peaked I don’t want ur money I want ur $5929 worth of skincare.
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My boyfriend hasn’t posted an Instagram of an extremely flattering pic of me with a 3 paragraph long caption about how inspiring I am for international woman’s day should I break up with him be honest.
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Break up with your boyfriend, he’s stifling your personal growth and is detrimental to your overall well being and I understand you love him but we all just want the best for you.
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If ur a good kisser and ur kissing a bad kisser do they think YOU are the bad kisser because you’re going against the way they’re kissing or do they think you’re good and also they’re good.
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Just found out my boyfriend can match Josh Turner’s voice when he says “baby lock the doors and turn the lights down low” so I’m getting him pregnant tonight.
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Remember when Asher Roth dropped I Love College and we, middle school students, absolutely lost our fucking minds.
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Can’t stop thinking about how my best friends (a girl) name in my phone was Michael Phelps and my ex saw me texting them, got mad at me for texting another man right in front of him, and stormed out of my apartment. Michael Phelps.
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I don’t watch the bachelorette but what I’m gathering is a man went on a show in 2019 where a woman is dating like 27 men at a time and was shocked and upset when he found out she has. had sex before ?? Is this correct?.
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My DMs w my bf are just me sending a million tweets and him never responding except with the occasional “lmfaoo”.
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@unoorthodox @AlmondTiddies Just in movies however there is usually a “I could go for something sweet” and then noises of agreeance.
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Things that you honestly didn’t expect to be that expensive now that you have to buy them for yourself:.- rugs.- comforters.- Parmesan cheese.
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If my daughter ever even thinks about asking me for a $600+ prom dress I’m disowning that stupid bitch.
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I have a date tonight should I get drunk before and ask him to pick me up because I’m banned from Uber and then cause an absolute scene and at least make it a good story for him or should I try because all I do is complain about being lonely.
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The only time men are right are when you tell a boyfriend about a new guy friend and he says he wants to fuck you and you say no he’s just being nice and then he ends up trying to fuck you.
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Almost forgot it was a Friday night but then I remembered. God I’d love to put on a crop top and spend $53 at a crowded bar tonight.
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If I were to get pregnant right now I’d have an abortion because being a mom is SO important to me that I will do everything I can to prevent having a child that I can’t provide for and support 100% and give the best life to lmao how do people argue with wanting that for a child.
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I think this girl hates me because I used to hook up with her now boyfriend but she should really be respecting me because I had to endure the same trash sex I’m sure she does and I didn’t even get the perk of him being nice to me.
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Something fun about being a woman is getting to pick which cute self defense keychain ur gonna buy so you can avoid getting assaulted.
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Even worse imagine being the girl that gets him next I mean you’d honestly be unsafe in your own home.
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To the people quoting this acting like I’m coming at u for having money. my parents made decent money and I know they worked hard to make it to where they did but they didn’t sacrifice to feed us they just. went to work. That’s the difference pls recognize ur privilege.
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Men get a whole month of making jokes about not nutting and straight women just have to sit here and smile through the fucking pain huh.
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If I see one more tweet about how you didn’t learn how to do your taxes in school I swear to god I’m throwing hands just fucking download turbo tax and leave us all alone.
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Grey’s Anatomy (Season 2, Episode 5).
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Hanging out w a boy tomorrow. What y’all think his problem is? Hates women? Commitment issues? Mommas boy? General weirdo? Let’s try to predict.
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Practicing how I’m gonna complain about money to my dad in a way that I’m not asking for it but maybe he offers me some.
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Getting my bf a photography class for his bday so he can take good bikini pics of me this summer I’m sick of him thinking I look good from every angle.
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One time an ex told me “I’m not an asshole I just don’t care” and that’s the day I said wow maybe they aren’t troubled and just don’t like me and I snapped out of it and stopped fucking w men who weren’t nice to me.
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Who is the elusive Ex that all men are still in love with I’ve never met a girl who has been The Ex and always only met girls who got fucked over by 19 different guys because of The Ex.
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Idk who (me) needs to hear this (I do) but it’s not your fault you got treated like shit and nothing you could’ve done would’ve made your ex be good to you because they just didn’t want to and they tricked you by being good in the beginning and how were you supposed to know.
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My depression, anxiety, and body image issues during their morning meeting deciding how they’re gonna bully me that day
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Men on tinder:. Matt, 26.Financial Analyst.SUNY College at Plattsburgh. Down to lie to your parents about how we met. Love going on adventures and eating tacos. Let’s watch the Office 🍑.
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SOOOOO my bf of two years ACCIDENTALLY sent me a screenshot of his camera roll and I saw this in there :)) it’s not me . FUCK this guy and everything I ever did for him
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What’s ur biggest irrational fear mine is an ectopic pregnancy.
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Stop asking gay couples who’s the man and who’s the woman and start asking who’s the one who leaves the bathroom floor soaking wet after their shower and who’s the one who gets mad about it.
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I think I’d rather find out that my boyfriend was talking to other girls than that my boyfriend was trying to talk to other girls but they weren’t even answering him.
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Can’t believe my boyfriend knows girls who are hotter than me. Absolutely devastating,, I’ll need time to process this.
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I had a fat crush on my bf from the day I met him like 2 years ago n now I get to kiss him a lot so don’t give up on ur dreams n sometimes chasing people works however it usually doesn’t n usually u should just leave them alone not everyone can be as irresistible as me after all.
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Guys I have to admit something to you. When I was dating one of my exes I would have to use his 3-in-1 shampoo sometimes and it made my hair feel good. It gave it volume and kept it clean longer than a day. I had to get that off my chest.
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Someone with lip fillers, microbladed eyebrows, eyelash extensions, and the money to get weekly facials: no makeup no filter let’s go back to natural we don’t need all this makeup ladies 💓.
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I’m convinced the only people who are happy with their boobs wear a size 34-36 C-D.
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Yesterday a guy approached me in my car while I was at a red light w my window down and I was expecting him to say something vulgar and uncomfy but he just goes “what’s this song called I really like it” I hope he’s having a good day today.
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Remember when the pinnacle of fashion was a patterned lightweight infinity scarf and leaf earrings with hollister skinny jeans and flip flops.
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Men will drink IPAs and then have the audacity to say pussy tastes bad.
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I wish I was the brand of white girl that had rich parents and perfect hand writing.
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Why’d my middle aged coworker just come up to me and say “you look tired baby did you stay up all night having drunk monkey sex last night” u know what Laura I wish I did.
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Thinking about the time my old roommate was dating a murderer, like a literal convicted felon, and he would come over and color in my coloring books w me.
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Selling nudes is a fun reminder that some men will literally pay money for the view that every guy you’ve ever dated has ignored because he was playing video games.
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Please don’t talk to me unless you’re gonna marry me my family is tired of me having boyfriends that never work out and I’m tired of being the 7th wheel to my parents and married siblings.
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My bf didn’t start getting ready when I did bc he didn’t believe I was gonna be as fast as I was and now I’m done and he’s not dressed. ,,, should I start a fight be honest.
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I didn’t use to be into astrology but then I dated a Leo and almost every time we had sex he watched himself in the mirror.
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I kept my one ex on the back burner for a long time even though he was always talking about how he wanted to marry me and support us both, now he’s moved on AND, come to find out, in med school where the fuck are my clown shoes.
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Ur sex life can easily be so bleak in upstate NY bc it’ll snow 4-8 inches when ur tryna get 4-8 inches and now u gotta stay home with a space heater.
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I listened to Truth Hurts by Lizzo and blacked out and by the time I came to I realized I had packed all my boyfriends stuff up and kicked him out while he was at work.
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The company I work for offers pet adoption fee reimbursement as well as what they call “paw-ternity leave” which is just 2 paid days off after you adopt said pet so what they’re telling me is I should adopt another cat IMMEDIATELY.
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My first order of business as a single woman will probably be going to a bar and letting a stranger buy me a drink and then crying to them about how I’m so excited to start a new chapter of my life where I’m selfish and independent and then going home to my vibrator.
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Can we stop making it a woman’s responsibility for a man to mature emotionally lmao I’m tired.
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Do u ever go on Instagram and see all the hot girls and think “wow I can’t believe literally every single man I’ve ever had sex with has lied about finding me attractive” ahaha hahaha.
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Is living alone so that u can be naked all the time worth paying hundreds of extra dollars a month? I feel like it would be and I need the validation.
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Do men who are dating women KNOW how pretty their girlfriend is? Like. Girls are soo pretty, do they comprehend how stunning she is literally at all times? Why don’t they say it more? They must not understand.
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My bf & I are starting to talk about what our next step is do u think we should move to Portland, Oregon & start an indie band bc he’s tall, has a beard, and wears fun patterned button downs & I have a singing voice that isn’t good but also isn’t awful so we seem perfect for that.
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Ok u know how spilling the beans and spilling the tea kind of mean the same thing what if we were like omg sis what’s the beans.
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Ovaries be like haha wwyd if I cramped so bad it made it hard to breathe lmao would u be mad at me.
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There are 3 types of men:.- ones who hand u a towel to wipe their cum off urself.- ones who wipe their cum off of u gently.- ones who don’t pull out.
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Wait imagine starting a relationship through DATING and not just eventually admitting to the person you’ve been sleeping with that you have feelings for them.
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My ex hid me so much he even made out VENMO PAYMENTS PRIVATE and hid it from his profile when I tagged him in pictures please don’t settle for anyone who isn’t unapologetically proud to show u off.
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My ex used to tell me everyday I’d look better without a nose piercing n today I got another one n my bf not only encouraged me to get it but went w me and threw money for my piercers tip n it’s just. nice to be w someone who’s good for me n I have similar taste to . :).
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Everyone who says “respect people who vote differently from you” has a republican boyfriend or is a republican boyfriend. Everyone.
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If u wanna take me on a date just Venmo me for the dinner I order and I’ll FaceTime u while I eat it. I’ll even be a modern woman and pay for my own wine.
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I remember in middle school not liking that my bf smoked pot sometimes and now a guy will text me like “I blacked out and did a gram of cocaine last night and today we’re doing acid” and I’m like omg fun! Send pics!.
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Pockets on dresses are a cute novelty but they hardly hold anything without weighing everything down or looking bulky I’ll be here when you’re ready to admit that.
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Listening to my bf passionately talk about how cops shouldn’t be above the law is it hot in here or.
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I send nudes before getting emotionally involved because what if he doesn’t respond well? I can’t date someone who sees my beautiful naked body and says nothing but “😍”.
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My bf just texted me ab saving a drunk girl from a bunch of guys trying to touch her can someone in Dewey Beach Delaware kiss him for me.
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Your crush is having sex with someone else while you’re watching their Instagram stories wondering if the song they posted was a subliminal message to you.
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@AdamOutspoken @_jordymack @body_glitter My 7th grade girlfriend hugged another guy right in front of me and it just really fucked me up I can’t let someone else in for a while.
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Do not start with the *boys u absolute morons these are grown men I’m talking about.
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I, for one, am not surprised that a grown human man who goes by “Scooter” is a piece of shit.
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