e.b.
@ebcotenord
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Elizabeth, by the Grace of God, of the Peach and Louboutins, of her other realms and territories Queen, Head of Sodom, Defender of Faith🍑👸🏻
Chicago, IL
Joined September 2016
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I wish the government would do as much to stop mass shootings as they do to stop adults from selling handjobs on Craigslist.
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"No little girl dreams of becoming a sex worker"
well no one was hiring at the Princess Department of Ballerina Astronauts so I had to make a choice and everything else involved spreadsheets and conference calls
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Please don’t come into a session with me and apologize for your weight or age or whatever state or shape your body is in
You don’t owe me an apology. I won’t accept it. You have nothing to be sorry for
You do not have a wrong body. It is perfect and I’m going to do things to it
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Sexually desperate women throwing themselves at men are not whores
Whores wait for men to come to us. We turn down men who don’t meet our demands. We make them work for sex and pay for sex.
Whoring is patience. Whoring is lying in wait. Whoring is stoic and whoring is dignified
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I hate that men who pay for sex are painted as losers who are bad at sex.
The truth is, men who pay for sex tend to be better at sex than most men.
Men who invest money and time in professional lovers almost always learn and improve.
I’ve watched men blossom. And it’s 😍
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Dear wives,
I don’t want to destroy your marriage.
My job is to take over one task and immediately send him back to you unscathed
I have no interest in stealing your man. You married him. You gotta keep him
I’m only assisting with anal. The rest of the work is yours.
xo,
eb
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What if there wasn’t vanilla sex and kinky sex and regular sex and weird stuff sex and there was just “this feels good” sex and “I’d like to try that sex” and “why on earth would anyone judge you for sex they’re not having with you, that’s insane” sex?
Hot, right? I’m into that.
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Say what you will about me disappointing my dad. I'm definitely not disappointing yours. 🥰
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Gents:
For Christmas get your wife a nice long spa day. She deserves it. A full day. 8hrs of services. Hair, makeup, massage, nails, facial…
While she’s there, book yourself 3-4hrs with your favorite provider.
Treat her. Treat yourself. Treat your provider. Be a Holiday Hero!
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eb personal life FAQ:
“You’re MARRIED?”
Yes
“Where does he think you are right now?”
Here
“He knows you do…THIS?”
Yes
“And he… just… LETS you?”
He doesn’t LET me do shit. I don’t ask his permission to do my job
“If my wife ever…”
Ever what? Made money the way you spend hers?
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People who want to shut down the sex trade citing rampant drug abuse never seem to want to shut down the stock market.
But also? My pussy never crashed and left an entire generation financially devistated.
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Little known escort secret: you do not have to inform a provider that you are horny in your intro email/text
We actually already know that because we’re psychic witches telepathically tapping into your dick’s energy when we sense we are being summoned.
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#QuestionsForAProstitute
Y’all know a lot of sex workers are very happy to answer your (good-faith) questions about our lives and our work.
We’re an incredibly smart and diverse group who would love it if the world understood us as people instead of as punchlines.
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I’ve been married 15 years today.
I guess you can be both a whore and a housewife. It works out pretty well.
I pay the bills. I put my partner through grad school. And I spend as much time with my family as I want and need to.
I love.
I’m pretty grateful. 💖
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I don’t worry about competition. There is no competition.
I’m not a competitor. I’m not here to compete.
I want us all to win. There is no finish line. There’s no first place.
There’s surviving and thriving. That’s I want that for all sex workers.
I want us all to succeed.
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Now offering babysitting for wayward husbands. $500/hr. He’ll be in excellent hands.
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One of the greatest gifts sex work has given me is the realization that there is something likeable and lovable about every single person. All people. When I started, I challenged myself to find that and lean into that part of them.
Now it’s not a challenge. It’s second nature.
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I didn’t steal your man.
I peed on him and that made him mine fair and square. To get him back, you just gotta pee above my spot.
That’s just how love works.
I don’t make the rules.
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I feel sad when someone tells me they would never pay for sex
What they’re really saying is that they’ve never had sex good enough to understand that sex is an experience worth buying
They can’t see it as good or important enough to have real tangible value. It lacks worth.
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I wonder if civ women think sex work is terrible and degrading because they assume our sessions are all just like every disrespectful and rude one night stand they’ve had. I see why someone would think that. And that would be an awful career. But it’s not really like that at all.
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I’m tired of having to defend sex work as hard work. For some it is. For some it isn’t. But work doesn’t have to be hard to be dignified. You don’t have to be miserable. Pain is not the measure of your work’s worth. For aguments sake, let’s say it IS easy. So what?
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I 👏agree👏but👏you👏are👏a👏politican👏who👏made👏a👏career👏out👏of👏prosecuting👏and👏legislating👏against👏women👏like👏me👏having👏the👏choice👏to👏do👏what👏we👏want👏with👏our👏bodies👏so👏what👏the👏fuck👏kamala👏
Politicians 👏 should 👏 not 👏 tell 👏 women 👏 what 👏 to 👏 do 👏 with 👏 their 👏 bodies.
#SOTU
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True fact about calling an escort to your hotel:
If she is spotted coming or going from your room, people will ask themselves “are they fucking? Is that a hooker?”
Unless she is wearing jeans. Then they’ll say “thought they were fuckin but she was wearing jeans. Obviously not.”
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I don't sell myself. My self never leaves me and becomes yours. I sell you your self... a self you can't be without me.
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Parents, listen to me.
Growing up, I had friends who would eat hot dogs with ketchup around me.
The in my 20s, I dabbled in pineapple pizza. I had a boyfriend who told me it was good. His dad even bought me some. I ate it with both of them.
Now I’m a hooker.
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Paid companionship is not about sex without feelings.
It can be.
But it can also be about sex and love and beauty and connection and friendship within an environment that is emotionally safe because it's not bound by obligation or commitment or the complications of real life💓
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It’s weird people think whores will to ANYTHING for money.
I’ll do anal for money, sure, but it’s not like I’m about to do some degrading shit like sit through conference calls with Craig from the Cincinnati office.
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Dads, if you run into me at a school event, please do one of two things:
•get your shit together, wipe the panic off your face and act normal… you can say you know me from your kid’s school. That’s a good cover.
•PayPal me real quick and fuck me in the principal’s office.
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Woke up at 6am five days a week to spend 50 hours a week in an ugly building with people I wasn’t allowed to, nor would ever want to, have sex with.
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I feel sad for all the people who think sex work must be soul crushing. Because I can’t imagine what it must be like to think sex is a miserable experience… worse than sitting through a half day of meetings to discuss the progress of Monday’s regional product rollout.
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Your 2018 assignment:
Find a provider whose tweets and personality you like but maybe isn’t your “type” physically
Book her. Have a blast
One thing I’ve learned from having sex with hundreds of people, it’s that physical attraction isn’t needed for mind blowing sexual chemistry
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I’m not JUST a luxury private companion who offers scintillating conversation over artisan charcuterie boards and an elite emotional holistic experience while discussing Chaucer at Michelin Star restaurants. I also take it up the ass like a goddamn anal supernova.
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I’m so confused by people who go into Staples and pay for empty envelopes.
You know there’s free envelopes that come with money already stuffed inside of them and there’s people who will eat your butthole for the chance to give you one.
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I am not a fan of premarital sex.
There’s way more money in extramarital sex.
I’m not waiting until we’re married. I’m waiting until you are.
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Human touch is a basic human need—required to thrive, required to survive. We are social animals. We require love, affection &human connection. Even in its most primal and basic forms. We NEED sexual affection. Giving people that is the lord’s work
Sex workers are literal angels
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I’m a sex worker. My job is to provide sex. Sometimes I provide companionship, emotional intimacy, friendship, romance, love. Always in a sexual context. I won’t legitimize the idea that SW isn’t real work by minimizing the reality that SW IS ABOUT SEX and is worthy of respect.
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Can we add “money does not actually cause STIs” to every sex Ed curriculum so people with 7 hook up apps on their phone will stop asking sex workers “but don’t you worry about diseases?”
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Your boss pays me more on his extended lunch hour than he pays you in 2 days, so yes, I’d LOVE to hear your thoughts on exploitation
(ps I get to kick him out and never see him again if I don’t like how he treats me…and then he’ll be in the office more…to respect your work)
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I cannot steal your man.
People cannot be stolen.
People make choices.
My ass just happens to be an excellent choice.
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Friends ask what I would ever do if a client fell in love with me. It's so weird to me that people don't assume it happens all the time.
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I think the thing I love most about the poly community is how they mercilessly shit on strippers and escorts and then fuck each other at a secret cuddle party after the burlesque/drag show and the next day the husband slides into your DMs asking how to get his wife into the biz
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So Alex Jones was JUST NOW banned from PayPal so that he can’t use their services to profit from threatening the families of murdered first graders.
But ****years ago**** they banned us from using them to collect profits for putting dildos up our butts.
Ok.
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Biting on my clit and repeatedly yelling “squirt on my face, Elizabeth! SQUIRT ON MY FACE NOW” is not actually an effective way to get me to squirt.
Maybe I’m weird like that but it just doesn’t work for me.
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One of my more fave clients passed away. I don’t know when or how.
Last time I saw him he bought me a beautiful lingerie set but never saw me again to see it on me. I thought that was strange. I felt bad. I thought I did something wrong.
But it turns out, he’s just gone. 💔🥀
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Y’all realize that once we walk out of the SW world, there are no high end classy escorts and cheap hoes. We’re all just whores. And our only allies are each other. No one is standing up for us or with us.
If you think you’re above anyone, reach down and pull them up with you.
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Reminder: not being able to get an erection is not the same as not being able to perform sexually.
If you doubt this, I invite you watch me perform some sex with another woman.
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If the worst thing you ever do in this world is fall in love with an escort/client, it’s more than ok.
Finding a place inside of you to hold empathy, passion and care for the people we’ve been taught that it’s wrong to love is maybe the greatest thing any one of us will ever do.
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Yes. Two hour minimum. If you have a boner emergency that is so dire you need me to speed down to your hotel in -20° so you can thaw it up my asshole, I’m going to kindly ask that you pay me for two hours.
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Sometimes there's poo during anal 🤷🏻♀️. Not sure what you think is in there. It's a butthole. It's not like that's where I store my dignity
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Hustlers opens tomorrow night so buy all your clear heels today before civvie girls start buying them up.
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It’s pretty fucked up that kids can go to school and brag about their dads being at war and killing people and they’ll celebrated and thanked for what their dads do… but they’ll be taken away from their homes if they say their mothers give love and affection for money.
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Elizabeth Warren running for POTUS. We could go from a President who worked with teams of people to purchase the silence of sex workers to one who wants to protect us by making it illegal for us to have checking accounts.
The ring of freedom sounds like the hunger games cannons
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I have 0 upcoming bookings.
Is it against provider rules for me to say that?
Because really… I have no bookings at all from today through the rest of my life.
Sometimes that happens.
If it happens to you, too, it’s not you. It’s part of the biz.
Or maybe it’s just me.
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Whenever someone tells me I’m really smart for a sex worker I’m always unbelievably flattered, humbled and honored because sex workers are the most creative and brilliant people that have ever existed.
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Q: I only have a quarter of your minimum rate. What does that get me?
A: I will come to your door, take the money, leave immediately and give you the entire evening to fuck yourself.
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2019 is the year of the not-putting-fingers-toys-or-dicks-that-have-been-inside-buttholes-into-vaginas-without-washing-them-or-changing-the-condom-first challenge
Complete this task 12months in a row and win the honor of of not being the guy giving out UTIs 2019!
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How to gives yourself a raise as an escort:
1. Raise your rates.
2. Tell clients your rates have changed
3. Tell clients if your new rate is too high, you understand and offer a referral and reference
4. Don't take less than your new rates
5. Enjoy your raise. You earned it.
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Make it not feel transactional: never discuss money. Look up her rates. Hand it to her in an envelope as you would a gift. Enjoy her!
Make it feel very transactional: complain that her rate makes it feel so transactional. haggle like you’re buying pussy at a used car dealership.
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Talking to your kids about porn:
1️⃣ “That’s not what sex is really like. Let’s talk about that…”
2️⃣ “You didn’t pay for this. It’s wrong to look at porn you didn’t pay for”
3️⃣ “🔞 means you do not have consent. Consent is required for all sex. Even watching.”
4️⃣ “I love you AMA”
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I wonder what exactly clients think my magical healing elves do inside my vagina over night that makes being the first dick of the day so special.
Because, honestly, my super charged special combo moves can only be used after 10 dicks in one day
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Me: they talk about Tom Brady like it’s a miracle he can get out of bed in the morning and feed himself at 43. You know, I AM 43.
Cousin: well,he did spend his entire career having his body rammed by 300lb men
Me: 🤔🤨😏
Cousin: 😳😂
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My cleaning lady is a saint who does not balk at the fact that my nightstand is stuffed with several sizes of condoms, that my bathroom closet is stocked with enemas and my dishwasher is full of dildos
May you all have someone in your life who accepts you as much as my maid does
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Don’t justify you rates by talking about how much goes into marketing, admin, nails, hair, date prep…
My rates are what they are bc that’s the market and I’m really fucking good at what I do. If he’s balls deep in your face, thinking about your unbilled admin hours…oh, girl.😢
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I may or may not be the kind of girl you can bring home to mom.
But, I’m gonna be straight with you here, if you bring me home to meet your dad… we’ve met before.
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For the first time ever in my career, someone who has seen me multiple times told me that my rates are too high.
I should probably raise my rates so guys like him don’t feel tempted to waste their money booking me repeatedly.
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“Would you care if it weren’t for the money?”
Money can’t make me care. If it could, I could do any job at all. Pay me and I’d care about investment banking.
I make good money because I care. Not the other way around. It’s the only way I can be. I can only do work I love.
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Sometimes I think my job is so fun it should be illegal. Then I remember OH YEAH IT ALREADY IS.
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Guys. Listen. Yes. I have availability. But no, I’m not available in 30min or less. I know its unfair that I’m not sprinting to your dick when you beckon, but as an anal queen, my life would be a true disaster if I butt chugged an enema every time “u avail” popped up on my screen
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Saleswoman @ lingerie boutique: who gave you the gift certificate?
Me: oh a client
S: what do you do?
Me: … oh… um… I’m a writer.
S: oh my goodness! $400! He must REALLY like you!
Me: he does😊
S: You must be a very good… writer.
Me: I really am.
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It’s upsetting how many sex-positive, sex-savvy adults don’t know about
•PrEP
•PEP
•FC2
•HPV vaccine available now for everyone ages 11-45.
These are big deal items, team. Let’s keep ourselves and each other safe. ❤️❤️❤️
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Despite the Super Bowl being a supposed sex trafficking super event, I have never worked on SB Sunday nor on game nights during Playoff/final/World Series in my city.
It’s crickets
There is basically no sex business during huge sporting events
But I’m a hooker. What do I know?
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Can I get some ladies to reply to this with pics of their butts? I’m trying to see something.
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As of today, I am 4 years sober.
Since I can’t go out and celebrate with all my loved ones, I want to hear about the good things and big wins going on with all of you right now.
I’m really proud of myself and I want to be proud of you, too!
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Replace “sex” with “childcare” and continue telling me how the duties that women are expected to perform out of love should never be outsourced or compensated or considered “work” because that’s anti feminist and regressive and depressing.
👌
The idea that sex is “work” is the most sex negative, regressive, depressing anti feminist idea I’ve ever heard. Shouldn’t it be desired? Fun? With someone you like? When you’re into it? Sex being “work” is the opposite of sexual liberation. What a damn shame that is.
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Advice:
That girl that no one likes? The whore everyone hates? The one everyone has an opinion about—but no one knows her opinions of anyone? The subject of salacious rumors, but never the originator.
Sit at her table.
She’s the captain of the team you want to be on.
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My rates are my rates because, more than anything, you’re paying me to not steal your dog.
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When I die, please publicly publish my browser history so everyone can appreciate all the beautiful naked women I admired when I was alive. Sharing that will be my final contribution to the world.
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Reverse cowgirl has its place. Like if you’re a guy whose turn on is a woman who is uncomfortable and unable to balance while staring at your toenails the whole time. Or if, as a lady, you want a sex move that also makes you think “so that’s probably what corpse feet look like”
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A civ friend of mine was shocked to learn she should always use lube during anal. She said she’s never even thought of using it and always felt like needing lube was something to be ashamed of.
I wanted to cry over every part of that convo.
America needs to teach sex better
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