East Village Guy
@eastvillageguy
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Jaded FinTech PM | White shoes, ABC pants, and a mint puff bar | 6 feet tall (pre-haircut) | Interests include birth control and gut health
NYC
Joined September 2023
Just interviewed a kid to be our analyst that hit his vape 8 times during the call and asked how much vacation we get . Buddy, you’re hired.
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Strep throat is a yapper’s equivalent to tearing an ACL.
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Germans in 1945 be like.
As Europe falls, you should be Buenos Aires maxxing . The only real alternative that provides an authentic European lifestyle
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Being a man is just alternating between locking in and letting go.
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“Mom, why is that man barking at his phone?”.
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Imagine what she did to him.
Florida man JOGGING as Hurricane Milton starts to make landfall. ‼️👀
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Packing for a 2 day trip like I’m gunna shit my pants 3 times and go swimming.
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Hot take - this level of isolation is unhealthy.
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Men only want one thing.
Normalise sitting outside the café all day and not really doing anything
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“Who wants to spend $80 at the bar and talk to 0 women?”
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Being impressed by a woman’s beauty is super gay.
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If I was a weather man I’d leak the weather early to pretty women.
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If I die, all my boys have permission to say “on my dead homie” before blatantly lying.
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Neighbors just came over to ask if my dog would stop barking. I don’t have a dog.
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5’8 dude just said “I’ll be there shortly” bro I know lol.
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“Sir, your old high school crush has a Linktree in her bio”
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Down bad in the trenches this week. Had to remind myself what I’m fighting for
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I just ran 80,000 simulations and you got no bitches in any of them.
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“Time to lock in” he said, preparing to send one email on a Friday afternoon.
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This may be the biggest white boy summer in recorded history.
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What dudes expect after updating their LinkedIn to say “Incoming Summer Analyst”
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Dune is just a movie about white boy summer in the Middle East.
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Just got a sick new job offer . Unfortunately they have a Human Resources department so I will be turning it down.
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“Can you send around the notes you took during the call?”
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Interests:.- gut health .- slow missionary (4 strokes per minute).- degenerate trading .- ending every sentence with “brother” . Dislikes: .- vegetables .- seed oils .- people that can’t take a joke .- the establishment.
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Farewell, clickorus.
TECHNOLOGY: Lenovo has removed its iconic TrackPoint nub from new ThinkPad laptops.
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If I were long $NVDA I wouldn’t tell anyone but there would be signs
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Dudes that work in finance without a crippling addiction to stimulants
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Sexual harassment training? Pretty sure I know how to do this already.
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One day he’ll go to an SEC school, join an old row house, and absolutely crush for 4 years straight.
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Women with big naturals should get to vote twice
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When the edible hits while you’re still going through TSA.
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I would’ve pretended to be a waiter just to get a quick sniff.
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Walked outta the bar, threw up, walked back in, ordered a tequila soda
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Lululemon’s quality has gone down so much it’s crazy . The stuff on the rack isn’t as nice as what I’m currently wearing that’s 3+ years old.
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Last night a girl told me that she broke up with her boyfriend of 2 years, who she lived with, over the phone . These are the guys that go on to squat 500 lbs or climb Mt. Everest.
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The only real test of intelligence is your ability to get what you want out of life.
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My boy took an Oil & Gas job in Oklahoma and asked me if I’d visit
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Did absolute numbers today: . - meetings joined: 11 .- words said: 20 .- people gaslit: 3 .- emails sent: 2 .- tasks completed: 0
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The longer I work in corporate America, the more I appreciate how hard Warren Buffet absolutely COOKED when he said this:. “I try to invest in businesses that are so wonderful that an idiot can run them. Because sooner or later, one will.”.
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The gym would be more fun if nobody wore headphones and it was more social
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This is what I imagine Helen of Troy looked like.
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Raise em @federalreserve.
2pm on a Tuesday in Austin. Work from home culture here is STRONG ☀️
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Why are you, a grown man, telling me which AP classes you took.
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New Yorker (/nōō yôrkēr/ • noun) . A person that exists for the sole purpose of transferring funds from their employer to their landlord.
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nobody will remember:.- your salary.- how “busy you were”.- how many hours you worked. people will remember:.- if you scared the hoes .- how badly you scared them .- how hard your boys worked to fix it.
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One of my boys is literally banned from hinge . Think about that. Imagine how many girls had to report him for that to happen.
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Used the bathroom at her place and the seat was already up
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When you like her but she lets you smash on the first date
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Just heard someone on my floor say “0.43%” instead of 43 bps
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*clears throat* . ¡Hola!.
Breaking News: Mayor Adams plan is to give Illegal's $10,000 each with No ID check required, No Fraud control and No Restrictions.
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Everyone in NYC, without fail, is always looking for at least one or more of the following: . 1. Job change .2. Relationship .3. New apartment.
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Data suggests a category 5 “We’re back” is brewing on the horizon . Single women that work in fashion and/or marketing have been advised to shelter in place.
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My associate just sent out a deck filled with 2024 dates
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A single man who tells you his motivation is anything besides getting laid or making money is lying.
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She broke things off 3 hours before my birthday dinner . Hit the gym instead. New bench PR
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Dating a short girl is all fun and games until your future son doesn’t make the basketball team.
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✅ sun is out.✅ boss is OOO .✅ “let’s circle up next week” just landed . Countdown to the long weekend is in full swing.
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Am I interested in this middle market associate role in Cleveland? . Idk, hot recruiter, are you interested in a drink on Thursday?.
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Blonde hair with dark eyebrows usually means condoms are optional.
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I’m suspicious of anyone with a CFA. You couldn’t think of anything better to do with your time?.
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The best thing about Shogun is that the drip is absolutely bananas . Imagine if your MD showed up like this and told an intern to commit seppuku
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Just noticed that another man Venmo’d her $50 on Sunday morning
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“I only drink oat milk” . She said, taking a long drag of her watermelon vape.
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Fixed it
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