skrrt vonnegut
@dumbstarbux
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25 🇸🇾🇳🇱 neurotransmitter killer
Bensonhurst, Brooklyn
Joined March 2015
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Pinned Tweet
Obsessed w the energy of this pokemon card i made on the computer when i was 7
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Bonus one I just found; been a certified hater since 1998
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My mom found my vape 🥶😖😢 gonna be off social media for a while probly gonna get grounded now
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this is the first time in my life that i've ever felt good enough about my body to wear a crop top 😄
#progress
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I feel like Pam except there’s no Jim in my life just a variety of Roys and the occasional Todd Packer
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throwback to the time in 6th grade when i got broken up with through a valentine's day card 😂😭
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i died and was replaced by a lookalike: a conspiracy thread
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This is deadass the border of sussex county / new york state
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welp not to be petty but my ex got engaged at 18 to a girl he's been dating for 4 months, and I'm passing my classes and stress-free 🙌
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no offense but if you relentlessly flirt with someone who's in a relationship, you're disrespectful and need to back tf off
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Dear creepy men in their 20’s and 30’s: there is ZERO justification for “dating” a girl who is still in high school. You are a pedophile and there is zero nuance to that. Stop fucking with the mental health and wellbeing of literal children.
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Thinkin about the time my ex sent me a paragraph telling me he hopes I die & that i’m a “cancer” & all i can think about is how i should’ve just replied “no I’m a scorpio”
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i accidentally just corrected ms strahl's grammar and i saw my life flash before my eyes
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So i got a job at sears as a commissioned home appliances salesperson and all i can think about is how I’m basically the refrigerator version of dwight schrute
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7th grade: omg i cant wait to get my schedule!! red team!!!
11th grade: maybe they'll forget to make my schedule & ill never have to go back
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i just got hit by a door and mr. andrew kaspereen appeared out of literal freaking thin air and said "yes that's a door watch out for those"
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Still can’t believe i just filmed a scene w an actress i used to watch on cable tv w my dad growing up. All i can rly say rn is catch me on hbo max later this year hehe
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hi i just wanna immortalize this transformation on twitter lol i’m prouddd of myself!
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being hired immediately as a manager at taco bell feels like when robert california interviewed at dunder mifflin and got hired as the CEO
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4 of the same selfie from slightly different angles bc i’m afraid of commitment
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the movie Cyberbully is so unrealistic .. if anyone tweeted @ me "you're nasty Lardo!" i'd just reply like "lol tru"
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ik i post so many throwbacks but guys i was such a middle school Edgelord™ i used the number pi as a watermark
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Use this tweet as an excuse to post an old pic where you looked hot
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well everyone, it happened again .. i just saw Mr. Reczka in FYE looking at the anime section & this time we awkwardly said "hi how are you"
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a guy just texted me back after 2 full days .. time to be super petty & reply on Sunday
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crush: "Hey"
me: [okok i'm playing hard to get, i'll reply in 10 minutes]
me, giving up after 45 seconds: "Heyyy ❤️️❤️️❤️️❤️️💍"
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started my job at victorias secret today and was disappointed to learn that the big secret is that everything is still expensive af even with an employee discount
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excuse me i shaved my legs like 45 seconds ago why has it already regrown a national park all over my calves
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why does this guy become more and more relatable every year smh
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remember Neil Patrick Harris? this is him now. feel old yet?
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as of today, i've officially lost 10 lbs. since October 💪 halfway to my goal!! day = made
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Size 14-16 to size 4-6 but still can’t eliminate the thunder thighs ☀️
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first (official) acceptance!!!! 🌈🌴
@uhmanoa
#MakeManoaYours
(i was too excited to take an un-blurry pic lol)
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wait but like why are they just now banning snowposals after 8+ years of having them?
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The local vape shop commissioned me for a sign and it’s literally
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customer interaction of the day:
old man at tractor supply: "i have a question"
me: "yea?"
him: "what does 'woke' mean?"
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I JUST SAW MR REZKA AT HOT TOPIC LOOKING AT ANIME TEE SHIRTS AKJDFKJGE HELP
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so proud of my weight loss!! ❤️ it's been a long 20-minute journey but i've finally reached my goal!
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i just french-beefed with some Canadian tourists in paris. i'd like to thank all my years of French education for this. also i lost
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In 2019 we’re done giving 100% effort into people who consistently give us 0%
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people who don't think The Office is funny are the same people who still laugh at Pewdiepie videos from 2011
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I call this one “i skipped arm day every day for 2 years but strength trained everything else and lost 75 lbs so i’m content”
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hey so as of today i've officially lost 20 lbs!! 148 -> 128
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idk exactly why but Mr. Stansberry greeting everyone ignoring him in the hallways in the morning has always reminded me of a sad clown
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The Office definitely fucked me up because in relationships i’ll never feel like a Pam, i’m always paranoid I’m a Karen, and every boy I meet is either a Roy or a Dwight Schrute
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first full day of being 18 and I left my entire backpack at home. i am an adult
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*dmv job interview*
interviewer: "would you have a helpful, kind attitude for our guests everyday?"
-"fuck you"
interviewer: "you're hired"
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Unfollow me right now if your voicemail message was ever “Hello?... what’s up?... not much... haha gotcha! Please leave a messa
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lmao why are 15 yr olds always tryna look so "edgy" & get drunk on snapchat😂 go watch Dora or something
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There is NO WAY this is real. “Mental stability and being, like, really smart.” Why does he talk like a 15 yr old girl??
....Actually, throughout my life, my two greatest assets have been mental stability and being, like, really smart. Crooked Hillary Clinton also played these cards very hard and, as everyone knows, went down in flames. I went from VERY successful businessman, to top T.V. Star.....
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my mom: you look radiant today! like your skin is glowing! did you get a boyfriend?
me: i used a new highlighter
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hey whoever decided to park in my spot today, gtfo unless you're tryna pay me back the $125 i paid for it 🙄
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My daily schedule is basically
8AM-8PM: responsible, follows diet 100%, counts macros
8PM-12AM: devours American cheese from the block, six (6) mini cupcakes, and an entire loaf of white bread
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i told mr holton he has beautiful eyes and asked if hes been working out and he said "you need a boyfriend"
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This is what I look like when I’m pissed off, who want me
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i had a dream that i got my schedule and i had 7 gym classes and 1 woodshop
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me when a guy texts back fast and cares about me: *ghosts him for 6 days*
me when a guy ignores me for 3 weeks and texts me “sup”: *texts back immediately “omg hey whatsup i Love You™ ❤️”*
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so exactly what is it about me that makes guys look at me and think "ah yes.... time to waste her time & break her heart"
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just in case you think sexism isnt real. i just overheard a boy saying "she's crazy bc she's a woman" & his dad went "that's my boy"...gross
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me: this guy hurt me I’m gonna ghost him for 2 months
The Guy™️: yo
me: ❤️💜💞💝💓💗💖💘💕 hi
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Mr. Holton: "your eyes look sparkly today, what did you do differently?"
me: "i cried"
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Giving my lyft driver a $10 tip bc she said she hopes that the guy who led me on gets a venereal disease
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my mom just took a selfie with a famous person in hollywood & pretended not to know me when i said "hi mom"
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“You’re gonna regret taking 19 credits”; I regret nothing!
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Got 105 on my first college quiz, AND Marines Poolee (recruit) Of The Month at my station 👌
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