Jabaal Abdul Simmons 🇵🇸
@drone_jock
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a time before death entered the world, before accident, before magic...and before magic despaired to become religion
Hardee’s Kuwait
Joined February 2021
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If there were a “Sports Twitter” Hall of Fame, honoring the best sports-related tweets of all time, what would be your nominee?
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what was “the incident” at your mages guild?
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he kinda looks like Italian Mao in this picture
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I know a million people are going to post this clip, but Shady McCoy and Tre’davious White retelling the story of Vontae Davis retiring mid game is one of the funniest football videos ever. RIP to a legend
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Stephen A Smith: at what point does Draymond Green become a liability?
Jalen Rose (staring at phone): I think Steph and Klay need to talk to him
[cut to TNT halftime show]
Chuck: Shaq, who got the uglier kids me or you?
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The Walton-Penner Family Ownership Group is pleased to welcome former Secretary of State
@CondoleezzaRice
to its ownership group.
Statement »
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STEPHEN A: Skip I want to ADDRESS this issue.
[BAYLESS nods]
You KNOW I would never fuck Peter Griffin
BAYLESS: Absolutely
STEPHEN A: HOWEVER!
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This man created a whole fantasy universe with multiple continents, in immaculate detail, so he could escape the pain of being a Jets fan
The NFL is back, and I don't know whether I should cheer or weep...
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[Lee Corso meekly removing an American flag from the studio desk before shocking his viewers by tossing it over his shoulder and reaching back under the desk to reveal a turban]
Corso: Gimme me that turban! I’m going with the Taliban!
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I think if you are in your 40s and have sex with teenagers you are a massive predator and also a pedophile
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this is the NFL combine for Turkish people
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even if he had the height, it’s hard to imagine Adolf Hitler having what it takes to succeed as a Division 1 quarterback, much less in the NFL
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Jerry Seinfraud was CARRIED by George GOATstanza
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It’s sad to see how hard he’s taking Stav leaving the show
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late to posting my James tweet today, please forgive me
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NEW poll on Israel | Oct. 9-10 | 2,517 U.S. adults
% who say the U.S. should increase / decrease the amount of military aid to Israel
U.S. adults: 40% / 12%
Democrats: 40% / 14%
Independents: 29% / 16%
Republicans: 56% / 6%
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Shaq: that’s the problem with guarding Joker, he’s very tricky
Chuck: just like you with those crypto investors
Shaq: you can’t even spell
crypto
Kenny: I actually worked on Wall Street, so I know about investi–
Chuck: they gotta build a whole new jail for Shaq’s big ass
Shaquille O’Neal is allegedly still avoiding attorneys representing FTX investors
“According to the Wall Street Journal, lawyers for the plaintiffs have tried and failed to serve O’Neal both at his home and the TNT studio repeatedly. At one point, they said they ‘tossed the
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Joe Buck: I am told that what is on the hard drive of Alan Williams is not to be seen
Troy Aikman: Yeah we’re not gonna show that
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I would cry too if I got a non contact injury in front of Shakira
Lionel Messi seen crying after being subbed out of Copa America final due to injury.
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[listening to new SSRI-core indie rock band]
vocalist: i miss all of our pillow fights, i miss watching Nick at Nite
[Spotify Radio plays a Guided by Voices song next]
Robert Pollard (vocals recorded too hot): I Am The King of Fractions, I Got A Postcard From Hitler
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last night may have been the single funniest game in NFL history. let’s recap:
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what “old person name” do you think needs to make a comeback?
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there’s gotta be like a cast member of the Wire or an Animal Collective guy out there that better qualifies for “Ravens celebrity fan”
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[traveling 10 hours to attend my best friend’s wedding and listening to Ringer podcasts for the entire drive]
me (giving best man speech): Mike and Katie’s relationship has always reminded me of…the 2008 Boston Celtics
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you could make at least a rack selling bootleg shirts of this image with SLINT in block font above it
China's Chairman Mao Tse-tung, front, swims in the Yangtze River. July 25, 1966
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One veteran daily fantasy player told ESPN on condition of anonymity that they believe ParlayPicker is "the biggest loser ever on FanDuel."
"He was legendarily bad," the person said.
Story via ESPN:
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disney adult gf: omg Donald Duck is sooo funny 😂 and also kinda cute 😏
me (seething): he’s literally just some guy. everyone is just some guy
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this teacher is goofy as shit for using the band Franz Ferdinand as a hint when posing a question to a bunch of 14yr olds in 2022
Today, when introducing WWI, a student raised her hand and brought up the death of a certain archduke. Nobody knew his name, so as a hint, I offered that he shares his name with a band.
Gentle reader, my students asked if there had perhaps been an Archduke Metallica.
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My ex-wife is 2-8 in relationships and 0-2 in marriages. She has no feel for the game, she has the IQ of a potato. Our children hate her, they want Dad!
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the JSON suspension is like the Queen dying for guys who are on their 4th account
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“Mr Hands” would be a great nickname for a star wide receiver in the NFL
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a dude completing 1 out of every 10 throws just beat the greatest QB to ever do it in Arrowhead. this is the biggest win the QBs Don’t Matter movement has had all season
Hey man you just gotta put yourself out there more you know. Shoot your shot.
My friend shooting his shot:
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POV: you are a female sportswriter who just made a joke referencing a hilarious sports moment
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everyone in Boys Chat reacting to the latest Mind of Json post
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The song “Money” by Pink Floyd is actually about Capitalism if you pay close attention to the lyrics
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Elon’s worst move was fake monetizing the site so that now every unfunny guy is even more desperate to go viral with this kind of shit
I’ve literally tried everything getting a girlfriend is impossible
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NFL Twitter has a long way to go before they have the dawg mindset of NBA Twitter
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using Grindr to find guys to play pickup hoops with
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Roman soldiers at Gethsemane: we are here to arrest the one known as “Jesus of Nazareth”
Jesus: I am he
Jarrett, the irony disciple: Pontius Pilate has the opportunity to do the funniest thing of all time
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Can’t believe this is what Zion Williamson looks like after 2 seasons in New Orleans
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I think if you are in your 40s and have sex with teenagers you are a massive predator and also a pedophile
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me (boys chat): I’m not convinced Brandon Miller can play the 2. He’s got good length/hip fluidity, but his lack of burst/lateral agility will hurt him against guards
me (loading hinge): hey the link to the boygenius song you sent wont work. btw did you listen to Dopethrone yet?
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Live feed of Taylor Swift just watching the game, who says no?
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this is what NPC dialogue is like when you live in Pittsburgh
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putting an ❌ above a Tinder dates door as I leave to let other guys know that she has a PS5
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chapo guys tweeting about anything sports related
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good kid, m. A. A. d. city by Kendrick Lamar is the greatest, most no-skip rap album of all time. It is a modern day Ulysses for the black teen in a dangerous yet still beloved urban environment. We need more albums of this statute and less mumble (c)rap!
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Notice what he’s eating. Chicken fingers with ketchup just like Taylor did at the Chiefs game…but no ranch? Is this shade at Swifties? Hold that thought, my wife is calling me from my best friends house, better see what that’s about
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it seems impossible that a 24yr old guy who has never married could look this divorced
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Look at my quarterback dawgggg we’re goin 7-5 😣🤣
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gf: hey, can I use your phone?
me: sure babe, just gimme a sec…
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Aaron Hernandez pleads not guilty to first-degree murder
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it's funny we pretend any band other than the Beatles is the best band. it's a cute way to individuate ourselves but at the end of the day the band with ~9 perfect albums that changed music in a hundred different ways is still the best
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Thick Female Wrestlers Showing Out
What They Got Going On In Mexico?! Thick Female Wrestlers Showing Out… Not Even About Wrestling No More!
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school guidance counselor: we are starting to worry about your son. he keeps saying strange things like “let’s redraft the 2019 boys junior varsity wrestling team” and “is Principal Skinner having her Giannis moment?”
Bill Simmons: i have no idea where he’s getting that from
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It’s actually supposed to vaguely look like you combined the shapes of South and North Carolina into a panther
There's a Panthers game tonight so I just want to remind everyone that their logo looks like you just told it a story from your childhood that you had no idea was actually traumatic and now you gotta go unpack some stuff.
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all professional sports are like early 20th century levels of rigged right now
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when a girl is banging you 😔
when a guy is banging you 😃
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the Safraud bros could never achieve the fraternal success of the Coen GOATs. Adam Sandler merchants with ZERO academy rings 🚮
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this guy spent $600 thinking he was getting College Football 1975
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